Painful Realisation of being Transgender

[Evan.ehd]

Hello my name is Evan.

Im 14 years old and this is a quick recap of my story, I first started realizing I was trans when I was around the age of 10, I then cut my hair off had depression got into therapy developed anxiety and then detransitioned, I found myself at 14 again, I cut my hair off again and fully came out to all of my friends, school and most of my family. Because of the depression I had and no help, at that time, I already had suicidal thoughts at a young age and they never really go away, they always come back. Wich is really frustrating, lately, ever since I came out (again), I have been dealing a lot with them (again). I try to shift my focus on other positive things, but I always get back to those negative thoughts, I always have the same thoughts and feelings I had ever since I was 10. Sometimes the realization just gets me, I’m always going to be trans, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that I am not a cis man and I will never be a cis man, I won’t just wake up with a male body. And ever time I realize it, it hurts. I came close to suicide once, but then I saw a video about how painful the death can be to be hit by a train and how I will traumatize the people on the train, so I never really pulled through, I just want these bad thoughts to end. I haven’t really talked to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, even though I should, but I don’t wanna hear the typical “it’s going to be okay one day” “think about the pain you’re going to give your parents”. It’s just sad, I get so jealous of my male friends, when they talk about their typical “boy experiences”. Just the thought that I will never really get to be myself until I’m an adult, is just draining. I’m a -vagina-, I want to kill myself so bad, but I just don’t want to be in pain. I wish someone would just pump me full with morphine or something so I can just die without having any pain.

[VickySGV]

22 minutes ago, Evan.ehd said:

I just want these bad thoughts to end. I haven’t really talked to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, even though I should, but I don’t wanna hear the typical “it’s going to be okay one day” “think about the pain you’re going to give your parents”.

 

Yes you should be talking to your therapist about your suicidal feelings.  If the therapist you talk to says what I have turned into bold type up there, then it is time for a new therapist and even at your age you can ask for a new person you can trust to actually deal with your Gender Dysphoria. With the help of a competent therapist, your life will turn into one where you actually are happy with yourself.  It is going to take work on your part to get there but you need to decide to do that work, and some of that work may not be easy but if you take it one day at a time you will make it.  I am in my 70's and it was not until I was 50+ that I was able to get to the real work, but it has happened and overall I am happy that I stuck it out to where I am able to live my life as the person I have really know about for years.  There are things you can do even at your age, it is a matter of getting a trusted counselor to help you work on those things.  Look around here and you will find some of what you can do that has been done by others and let it give you hope and ideas. 

[AllieJ]

1 hour ago, Evan.ehd said:

Hello my name is Evan.

Im 14 years old and this is a quick recap of my story, I first started realizing I was trans when I was around the age of 10, I then cut my hair off had depression got into therapy developed anxiety and then detransitioned, I found myself at 14 again, I cut my hair off again and fully came out to all of my friends, school and most of my family. Because of the depression I had and no help, at that time, I already had suicidal thoughts at a young age and they never really go away, they always come back. Wich is really frustrating, lately, ever since I came out (again), I have been dealing a lot with them (again). I try to shift my focus on other positive things, but I always get back to those negative thoughts, I always have the same thoughts and feelings I had ever since I was 10. Sometimes the realization just gets me, I’m always going to be trans, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that I am not a cis man and I will never be a cis man, I won’t just wake up with a male body. And ever time I realize it, it hurts. I came close to suicide once, but then I saw a video about how painful the death can be to be hit by a train and how I will traumatize the people on the train, so I never really pulled through, I just want these bad thoughts to end. I haven’t really talked to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, even though I should, but I don’t wanna hear the typical “it’s going to be okay one day” “think about the pain you’re going to give your parents”. It’s just sad, I get so jealous of my male friends, when they talk about their typical “boy experiences”. Just the thought that I will never really get to be myself until I’m an adult, is just draining. I’m a -vagina-, I want to kill myself so bad, but I just don’t want to be in pain. I wish someone would just pump me full with morphine or something so I can just die without having any pain.

Evan, I've been there, maybe a bit younger than you. When I was 7 I told my mother I was trans, and she told me if anyone found out I would be taken away and treated with shock therapy, or I could be killed on the streets (both of which were happening to trans kids at that time and place). I had a period of paranoid dreams and bed wetting, and lived in fear of discovery. Puberty was horrible, as nothing I could do would stop my body from changing. I realised at 14 that there was nothing I could do, so I became determined not to let being trans beat me. I threw myself into all sorts of activities so I had little time to think. The dysphoria was still there, but I was able to bury it a bit. 

 

I went through another bad phase as I entered my 20's as I badly wanted a baby. I knew it could never happen. I had learned that I could reduce my dysphoria by doing affirming things, even if it was only daydreaming. My need for babies caused me to take the only path I could find, I married and we had 2 children. I absolutely devoted myself to my children until they were adults, then I was able to start to realise my true self. No, it was not ideal, but I found a way to live with severe dysphoria. Yes, I endured horrible times where there seemed like not point in continuing, but I thought of dysphoria as my enemy, and I would not let it win. Through the times of tears, there were smiles. I am a grandma to 4 amazing grandsons, and I celebrate every day I am here to enjoy them. I could never be the cis woman I need to be, but I was able to find a way to make my life work, and find happiness.

 

I'm sure you can too.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Vidanjali]

@Evan.ehd I'm with you in spirit. I understand. I began to feel suicidal around age 6, I never thought I'd survive. A good therapist can help you use your thoughts to your advantage and how to safely metabolize the intense and deep feelings. I also want to point out that you have a major strength which you may not realize - you have deep insight into knowing yourself. That is, you have awareness of a significant aspect of yourself that many others do not. You may not be able to see it this way, but that is a gift. With good help, you can learn how to be okay being you and even thrive. In my experience you may have to kiss a lot of frogs, as it were, before finding the right therapist. But definitely try to find one who is experienced with helping gender dysphoria. Keep in touch with us. Writing helps and you have a bunch of folks here that get it. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Evan,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

You are not alone here. We know how it feels to be in the wrong body. It does hurt. When I first accepted being trans, every day I thought about how much easier it would be if I just got to the top of the highest building in the city and took that proverbial flying leap. Then I found these forums. Finding people who understood how I felt, people who had gone through the same experience of being trans, and could really support me was like a bright ray of hope for me. I'm glad I never took that flying leap,  and I no longer have those thoughts so much. It's because I took the necessary steps to find the help I needed. I got involved. Please do talk to your therapist. You never know how much it may help until you try.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾