Hello from a mum

[Katek]

Hi my name is Kate I have a son who is somewhere under the trans umbrella, I certainly don't know exactly where he sits. 

From a young age he had a preference for girls clothes but has never mentioned wanting to be a girl.

He is nineteen now and a while ago we were chatting and it came out that he has been struggling with his feelings of late and has asked me if it was still ok for him to dress at home.

He says he can't explain the desire but sometimes it's very strong.

I am hoping to read about other people's experiences and get advice from those who have been through similar. 

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Kate.  Welcome, and thank you for wanting to be supportive.

 

We learn at a very early age that not only are there some things that we are not allowed to talk about, there are also some thoughts that we are not allowed to think.  So it is not uncommon for kids not to be able to express their desire to be the other gender.

 

In my own case, I was well into middle age before I could even have the thought that I might be transgender, and even then I was firmly into denial about it for many more years.  I was 62 before I could express the words that I might be transgender.  Yet now, there is no doubt.  There were signs of it all the way back to when I was 7. 

 

I tell you this in order to explain that it is not unusual for your son/daughter never to have mentioned wanting to be a girl.

 

I am glad that they are willing to start talking to you about these desires.  The urge to be seen as one's true self is overwhelming.  I would recommend finding a good gender therapist who can help your child find out what they want and how to go about getting there.

 

I realize that, in the U.K., getting in to see a gender therapist can take a long time.  The sooner they start the process, the sooner they will be able to access what help is available.

[MaeBe]

Hello Kate,

 

I have a child going through gender discovery themselves. I have very little advice as we're both early in our journeys through self-discovery, but I can say that fostering a positive and open dialogue with your child is an absolute must. Be interested, ask questions, and try not to pass judgement. Even I have trouble with my child's struggle. We all want their lives to be as painless as possible and for them to have the best life. Sometimes we see through our parental lens and we see the social issues, the inequities, the difficulty, and that shapes the discourse--usually not in a way that's really conducive. It is heartening to hear that you've given them space to explore at home, keep being a positive person as they discover themselves and be open to it not being like your upbringing and history. If the communication lines are open, really open, then even if you make mistakes along the way you'll recover from them. If they're not really ready to discuss with you, just let them know you are ready when they are and really be present when they come around.

 

Hoping for the best for you and your child!

[April Marie]

Hi, Kate!! Welcome to our forums. I think you'll find lots of information and references to help. And, please, feel free to ask questions. You'll find people here from across the transgender spectrum from younger to older.

 

It is just so wonderful that you've allowed your son to explore his identity. Each of us, trans or cis, is unique and finding our place, ourself, is a process of trial, trying and discovery.

 

Your support will help eliminate any potential guilt, or fear or embarrassment. That is, sometimes, life-saving.

 

You may want to consider having your son work with a gender therapist who will be able to be a guide along the path of discovery.

 

Your love for him is so clear in what you write..and in your being here. Make sure to let him know that nothing will change that love. that love is a lifeline in times of self-doubt.

 

Best wishes to you both!!! And, thank you for being such a wonderful mother.

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, Katek said:

He is nineteen now and a while ago we were chatting and it came out that he has been struggling with his feelings of late and has asked me if it was still ok for him to dress at home.

Hi @Katek, It so nice to have a loving and concerned parent like yourself join our forum. Your child is going through one of the most difficult issues present day. There’s so much misinformation and political agendas out there making understanding what they need almost impossible. IMHO, You’re doing what they need the most right now….listening without judgement and trying to understand what they’re experiencing. They may not be able to describe their needs or concerns clearly but open and honest communication is so important. As a few here have mentioned, a gender identity focused therapist would help them work through some of these feelings and better understand what there experiencing.

 

Since you are the one person they can trust, you’re key to their working through this successfully. One thing that haunts me to this day is the reaction my mother had when she caught me with women’s clothing at 17. I can still see her reaction—a look of total disgust and outrage in her words, mannerisms, and facial expressions. Your support or lack there of will be imprinted on them for a very long time if not for the rest of their life. You may not understand or agree with everything your child tells you but keep in mind that they’re looking desperately for acceptance in some form or another from you. It says a lot that they even discussed this topic with you. Thank you so much for being that person for them. This means so much more to your child than you’ll ever know.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

 

[Katek]

Thank you all for your lovely welcomes, this feels like a safe space.

 

[Karen Carey]

Hi Kate.

 

Welcome to TGP.  Your son is fortunate in having such a caring parent.  

 

You have had a lot of good advice from others and there is little that I would add except for stressing the value of a good therapist.  As you will know already, the NHS route is long, but that should not discourage your son from starting it.  However, this will not prevent his seeking earlier help of course, particularly to help clarify his feelings. So I would recommend looking for a therapist that specialises in gender diversity.  I would start looking on Psychology Today, where you can enter your location to see therapists local to you.  I do not know where you are in the UK, but in East Anglia I found a gem, and she does online consultations as well.

 

I hope that, with your love and support, he will find the path that he needs to take.

 

Best wishes,

 

Karen

 

[emeraldmountain]

Hi @Katek

 

Welcome and thank you for reaching out!

 

As others have said, one of the most important things you can do for your kid is to give them your unconditional love and acceptance, especially in this beginning of their journey towards self knowledge. Many a person who have had similar experiences did not receive this love from their parents and it negatively affected their lives for a long time, sometimes decades.

 

Be a rock of love and support for your child.

 

Although your child is an adult at the age of 19, they are at a highly formative age. How loved ones react to people of this age group has a significant effect. Furthermore, 19 is still an age of exploration and identity formation, so your child may or may not turn out to be trans, but the important thing is for you to give them all of your love.

 

Be a rock of love and hope.

 

Additionally, should your child seek therapy, for their own health, it is of utmost importance that the therapist have knowledge of (preferably formal training) in gender therapy and are open, kind, accepting, and nonjudgmental. I had the grave misfortune of seeing so-called "mental health" experts as a teen and my gender issues were dismissed as a fantasy or not being "trans enough." I did not truly address my gender issues until decades later, at a great price to my mental health and physical outcome from hormone replacement therapy (HRT). That is not to say your child is necessarily trans (maybe, maybe not), but they absolutely must steer clear of any ignorant and/or cruel therapist. If your child is unable to find a gender therapist now, it might still be beneficial for them see a therapist in general just to get help, with maybe an eye on finding a gender therapist if so desired in the future.

 

If your child does decide to go on HRT (which is absolutely not a requirement to be trans and many trans people do not do), they are still at an age where they will might have a great outcome with the feminization effects of HRT (and possibly an improvement in mental health). Again, they may or may not be trans, but if they decide HRT is for them, at this age or in their early twenties is a very good age to start. Many of us older trans people started HRT in our later years with good outcomes, but for me I can say I grieve the life and body I could have had if I had received the proper help and engaged in self-acceptance earlier on. There are some physical aspects of my body that are fully masculinized at my age (wide chest, angular face, narrow hips, underdeveloped breasts, etc), which causes me great distress at times. Granted, there are surgeries to help alleviate some, but not all, of these unwanted physical characteristics. Your child is possibly, but not necessarily, still in an age window where HRT can do wonders and if they start HRT around this age, they might not need to get some of these surgeries (not all trans people want these surgeries and that is valid, too).

 

I wish you and your child the very best!

 

May you both find the answers and help which you seek!

 

P.S.: your child might be greatly helped by this reply, so if you feel they are ready and capable of receiving this information, please feel free to do so.

 

 

[bobbbbbi]

Hi Kate,

 

Welcome to the forum. It's really admirable to see how receptive and kind you are in responding to your child's feelings and concerns.

 

When I was a teenager, I didn't know how to describe the feelings I had with regards to my gender. I didn't feel like a girl and identified more comfortably as a boy, but somehow that didn't really fit either. It was when I found and spoke to other people  that I was able to understand this better. Talking to other folks with similar feelings and experiences also helped me to feel less lonely and happier about myself.

 

Perhaps encouraging your child to attend a social or community group for young LGBT+ people may help them. Is there a group in your area? Both Mermaids (link) and Gendered Intelligence (link) have meetings for young people and families across the UK and there is some very helpful info on their websites, as well.

 

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Kate