Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hello from Oregon, USA!


Taylor Drew

Recommended Posts

Hi all!

 

I'm recently turned 41 and recently realized transfemme. I'm considering MtF transition and am working with a therapist.

 

What happened recently:

I made a confession to my wife that I have a cross-dressing fetish, which she fully supported me exploring. When I started dressing feminine, I quickly realized that while I had previously sexualized the activity, it wasn't exclusively sexual for me. I've been very confused and had rapid onset gender dysphoria. I would like to think I'm well-established (married, home-owner, good career) and have nothing to prove to anyone. But these feeling are getting more and more intense.

 

I've become sick of acting according to my masculine training and have started presenting female at home. My wife is super supportive and I feel very lucky in that regard. I'm working with a gender therapist and that has been going really well. I feel so certain that I want to start transitioning but, at the same time, don't want to do something that I later regret.

 

I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot of trans people's stories. I know for a lot of people this *is not* a choice but something that they have to do. I don't necessarily feel that way. But I do feel that if I don't pursue this, I won't be living my own truth.

 

Anyways, I'm here from Jackie Rabbit's YouTube videos. I want to meet other people like me and get support through this emotional roller-coaster.

 

--Taylor Drew

Link to comment
  • Admin
3 minutes ago, Taylor Drew said:

had rapid onset gender dysphoria.

 

 

Welcome to the forums. 

 

I think you mean that you quickly realized that what had been in your mind was GD, because what you describe is a word looking for its definition and you gave it a definition when you realized it was not just a sexual thing.  Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is a debunked phenomena from a group of parents whose kids were afraid to tell them  how they felt or refused to accept them as Trans.  Yours sounds like the garden variety run of and earlier set of feelings that we all have experienced no matter when we first defined them.  Again, WELCOME!

Link to comment
4 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I think you mean that you quickly realized that what had been in your mind was GD, because what you describe is a word looking for its definition and you gave it a definition when you realized it was not just a sexual thing.  Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is a debunked phenomena from a group of parents whose kids were afraid to tell them  how they felt or refused to accept them as Trans.

 

Yes, that makes much more sense. I didn't realize I was using a loaded term, it was just something that came to mind when typing. :)

Link to comment

Welcome!!! You'll find lots of amazing information and wonderful people here. Many of us are late comers to the party having denied our gender identity for decades until something finally pushed us to accept who we are.

 

I'm a bit older but similar to you in family, career and social situations so full transition is not a viable option. Like you, I also have a fully supportive wife - that is a blessing most don't enjoy. 

 

Transition is not a fixed point but, rather, a sliding scale. We each have to find where we feel comfortable and for many full transition isn't the answer or possible.

 

Dysphoria is a beast that is hard to tame, not curable without transition but potentially manageable. Your therapist will help you figure out what works best for you.

 

Welsome and jump in where you feel comfortable!!!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Taylor, As April has said some of us are a bit older when our egg cracked. And we finally realized that those little clues we had when we were younger was our subconscious telling us something. 

 

I myself just thought I was a crossdresser, but something never jived. Who other than a trans female would rationalize taking over the counter hormones to grow breasts to look better when he crossdressed. This girl right here. bad move on my part. those OTC pills put me in the ICU with blood clots in each lung. NEVER, NEVER,NEVER ever do what I did, always seek medical advice with hormones.

 

That said, any questions you have, ask away. One of us probably gone through it at one point.

 

Kymmie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Taylor,

 

I'm glad you have a supportive spouse and you're working with a gender therapist. Like you I came here after exhausting all of Jackie Rabbit's videos. As the others have mentioned, my egg cracked late in life.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Taylor,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/9/2023 at 4:16 PM, Taylor Drew said:

I made a confession to my wife that I have a cross-dressing fetish, which she fully supported me exploring. When I started dressing feminine, I quickly realized that while I had previously sexualized the activity, it wasn't exclusively sexual for me. I've been very confused and had rapid onset gender dysphoria. I would like to think I'm well-established (married, home-owner, good career) and have nothing to prove to anyone. But these feeling are getting more and more intense.

This sounds very familiar to my story, except for the fully supportive wife part  haha- (my wife is pretty freaked out actually) ... But I know what you mean when you say that things came on quickly and seemingly out of nowhere...

 

I have always had an enchantment with wearing women's underwear, since elementary school. I thought I was just weird that way. Then I've realized over the past 18 months or so (i'm in my 50s) that it is much more than that. I am kind of freaked out, kind of scared but kind of excited too at what may await around the bend. 

 

Appreciate the support that you have. But don't be surprised when you take concrete steps toward transition if some people step away from you. I've read that a lot on here (and have lived it myself though I haven't taken gigantic public steps yet)...

 

Best wishes and welcome! Looking forward to hearing more of your story as it unfolds

 

EasyE

Link to comment

Welcome Taylor Drew!  I'm in Portland as well and 52yo.  It's been an incredible journey for me the last few years.  Until recently, I felt that those of us who have partners had a rough go of it.  I've been single for 4 years and started major steps into transition when my last partner died.  I'm in the position now of having been on HRT for 15 months and am looking for a partner.  It's confusing.  Who is going to want to date this old[ish] shy transwoman?  I'm starting to feel backlash in the community as well.  It's becoming hard to hang on to my identity.

 

HRT has been wonderful though.  Not having erections is so relaxing and totally changed the way I think about...  Well, about everything!  It is a mental shift!  I stopped taking them a couple weeks ago.  I want to be back on them, but I'm not sure there is anything more to gain from that experience.  I'm a little paranoid about it now.  I don't see ever dressing in a masculine way anymore unless I absolutely have to for work.

 

Perhaps we can go get a bite to eat sometime?

 

-Lydia

Link to comment
On 11/10/2023 at 8:16 AM, Taylor Drew said:

I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot of trans people's stories. I know for a lot of people this *is not* a choice but something that they have to do. I don't necessarily feel that way.

Hi there @Taylor Drew, welcome aboard! I know exactly what you mean. It's like being in a state of flux, not knowing if you're 'trans enough' to commit to transitioning, but knowing that inside, you are further along the rainbow than what you were when you were 'just' a crossdresser. Good on you for seeing a therapist too, I hope it helps!

 

Wearing girly underwear and other clothes also has no sexual appeal for me anymore. It just feels right! My wife is also accepting but not necessarily supportive, and definitely not enthusiastic, but I'm happy with the level that I'm at now. 

 

May I ask, are you doing other affirming things like growing your hair, painting your nails etc.? 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 194 Guests (See full list)

    • missyjo
    • Ivy
    • MAN8791
    • Petra Jane
    • Cortomaltese
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Birdie
    • Thea
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      769.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,077
    • Most Online
      8,356

    gender_equality_nccu
    Newest Member
    gender_equality_nccu
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alexa Amorosa
      Alexa Amorosa
      (48 years old)
    2. Bluestem
      Bluestem
      (39 years old)
    3. CharlotteSW
      CharlotteSW
      (26 years old)
    4. Daisy91
      Daisy91
    5. jriddle1990
      jriddle1990
      (30 years old)
  • Posts

    • missyjo
      started Spiro very recently..told to expect it like Lasix  you'll pee, a lot. have some other complications so we're taking this cautiously . heard something about slightly higher risk for OA too. hugs to all. 
    • MAN8791
      Mine was Hatshepsut, an Egyptian pharaoh who had to carry herself as a male in order to rule. I was completely facinated by her as a student.
    • Willow
      Well it was a good day at work I got everything done I needed to do. My audits came out right and everything.  I had to fix the printer on one pump. It wouldn’t cut the paper and needed two parts replaced.  The District Manager left us Thank you bags,  Murphy Bucks and candy.  We can use Murphy bucks to buy things in the store, or pay for gas.  I guess next week the Area Manager will be around to check on things.  He would be the next layer higher.  Well my eyelids are starting to get heavy, time for a nap.thats the only thing about opening the store it definitely causes me to need a nap.    
    • Vidanjali
      Interesting point. I was raised Catholic and was intensely intrigued by the lives of saints. Similar to your obsession with Mulan, I was particularly drawn to Joan of Arc, a 15th century saint who took on the guise of a man to lead the French army to victory over the English in the Hundred Years' War. Later, she was sold out by the Burgundians to the English who brought multiple charges against her as a heretic, including claiming she could communicate directly with God (which undermined the church's authority), and wearing men's clothes. At one point, while imprisoned, she was made to dress in women's clothes, which she did, but was later found again in men's attire which she said she preferred. She was eventually burnt at the stake at age 19. Rather gruesome tale, but not atypical of the stories of Catholic martyrs. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I just read something a FB friend posted about guilt.  I am changing it somewhat for here.   There are things you should not feel guilty about because they are not wrong.  Being transgender is one. People like to send us on guilt-trips about it, intentionally or unintentionally.   There are things you have actual guilt about whether you feel guilty or not.  If you murder someone, you may not feel any guilt.   The FEELING of guilt can be widely separated from objective guilt. All of us need to train ourselves to not feel guilty about things we are not guilty of,, and to feel guilty about the things we are guilty of.  It is not easy.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Jeans, t-shirt, flip-flops.
    • Vidanjali
      Good news. That just means you're normal!   Understand that thoughts leading to thoughtlessness is a VERY high ideal. Those who aspire to that may spend their entire life working on it and only ever glimpse momentary stillness. In fact, I'm reminded of a story which was relayed to me recently about a yogic master who was interviewed and asked - In deep meditation, how long can you sustain a still mind before another thought creeps in? You may expect the master to reply hours or perhaps even days. His answer - 7 seconds. The thing is, as long as you're operating with a human brain, thoughts will go on. In Bhagavad Gita chapter 6, verse 34, Arjuna (who represents every individual) complains to Lord Krishna (who represents the Higher Self), "The mind is very restless, turbulent, strong and obstinate, O Krishna. It appears to me that it is more difficult to control than the wind." Such is the nature of mind. The difference, though, is in learning gradually to not identify with thought, but rather to become the dispassionate witness of thoughts, like clouds passing in the sky, or often more poignant a simile, like high speed trains rushing by. 
    • Jamey-Heather
      It's very warm here in the Willamette Valley after a couple of weeks of rain. So I thought I'd get springy 🥰🥰🥰
    • Cynthia Slowan
      Hi Ivy!  Thanks so much! 💗Cynthia                      
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As a guy with a mom constantly throwing around "she/her", I feel you.   I think trans people in general hold ourselves to an impossible standard to be more girly or manly. There are some people who look or act a lot like the opposite gender, even if they're completely comfortable in their AGAB. That thought helps comfort me sometimes. If being a man was a set of boxes to check off (beyond the obvious chromosome things), I'm sure there'd be plenty of cis guys that would suddenly find themselves no longer being guys. It can be hard when it feels like evidence is stacked against you, but you don't have to be a certain way to turn into a guy. Some people will make it sound that way, but you're already a guy, regardless of how you look or act. After all, men don't look or act one way.   Moving on from that, your mom'll probably (unfortunately) be an issue until you're able to put some distance between yourself and her. Finding a good group of people that support you and your identity can help some -- even if you can't stop her from misgendering you, the more people that you find that respect you can sometimes make it easier to drown out that voice.   I wish you the best of luck <3
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Dang, this post started a loooooong time ago :o   I'm not the most masculine guy, and I would be way too terrified to talk about any desire to be a boy tbh. Everyone said I was girl, I was told I had girl parts, all that, so I figured there was no other option, even if I wanted to be a boy. So, I basically masked the few remaining "signs" I would have after taking away some stereotypical guy things. I was a bit of a tomboy, but I didn't mind wearing fem clothing, and I was seen as just that -- a bit of a boyish girl.   Though, one internalized sign I did have and never talked about was my obsession with Mulan. A girl who got to go and be a guy. She got to hang out with the guys, eat and sleep with the guys, act like a guy, learn the same things the guys in the movie did. I thought every girl would be jealous of that... apparently not, lol 
    • RaineOnYourParade
      It depends what you consider "rich". "Rich" as in there's plenty going on in there? Yeah, sure. Doesn't mean it's high quality junk. There's a lot of complicated stuff I'm still working on sorting out, so even if I've got a lot in my inner life, it's such a mess that it looks more like a hoarder's den than the nice, temple-like space a "rich inner life" makes me think of.     Then I'm definitely doing something wrong with thinking haha 😅 My brain is physically incapable of not thinking about something. I can focus on one thing if I try really hard or if it's a specific interest of mine, but I have to keep thinking on it, otherwise my brain just starts jumping around. If I leave my brain alone, it sometimes jumps to some stuff that kinda scares me, so I don't think my thoughts will ever go to silence     Great minds think alike, I suppose! :D
    • Ivy
      I will add, Sometimes it's just a look of recognition from a woman, say like in a coffeeshop, store, etc. that helps me feel like I do belong.  I don't get that recognition from men anymore - and don't miss it.
    • Ivy
      I wanted to say this too. One thing that is hard for trans women is not having had the girl's socialization growing up.  A lot of the time we just don't know how to act, and that shows. For myself, sometimes I hold back maybe more than I should out of fear of seeming "creepy." Acceptance varies.  Some women are quite accepting, others less so.  I usually wait to be invited to participate.  I don't want to push myself on anybody.   These days I don't have much interaction with men anyway.  Perhaps my seeing men as "other" gets picked up on by women.  I don't know.  I seem to fall back on "it's complicated."   I think when you understand what women go through in this patriarchal society it helps to understand better.  As trans women, we do get some of this as well, but most of us didn't have to grow up with it. Over time, and even pre-transition, I've developed a very feminist view of our society.  (Also raising 6 daughters helped a bit.)  But that is a whole other subject.
    • Vidanjali
      I spend time reflecting on this too. I do so in terms of transcending mind. I study Vedanta, mystical yoga philosophy, under guru's guidance. The mind-body complex is spoken of where "mind" is further parsed as ego, mind, intellect, unconscious all interacting with each other. It is said that one's real Self is soul and from a transcendent point of view, soul is not individualized, but One. It is through the illusion of ignorance we experience a world of multiplicity. Soul reflected through conditioned mind projects our seemingly subjective experience. When our unconscious is steeped in negative impressions, the ego is inflated. That inflated ego influences intellect which is the faculty of discernment, reasoning, and will, to direct the mind to project the negativity it believes is true. Negative experience of the world creates further negative impressions in the unconscious and thus a vicious cycle occurs. But likewise we are able to exert self-effort to control the mind, break that cycle and plant seeds of positivity in the unconscious by doing good practices in many ways.    It is said that mind is the cause of bondage and release. My guru once said if your thinking lead to more and more thinking, then there is something wrong with your thinking. But if your thoughts lead to thoughtlessness, then you are on the right track. That is, one can do many things with the mind - make the mind one-pointed, make the mind distracted, or make the mind so still that it negates itself. That is a taste of bliss.   So, do I have a rich inner life? I would say I do. But that was not a given; I aspire for it. It requires persistent effort and patience. And the term "rich" is not literal. Lord Jesus said, blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. By this, "poor" is also not meant literally. Poor in spirit is the state of cessation of ego and attachment - there is no "me" or "mine". In that state the kingdom which is Absolute Bliss is attained.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...