Hello from Phoenix

[Adamtoeve]

Hi everyone.  Natural born male in the questioning phase of this journey, I suppose.  My therapist recommended I join a forum and support group to connect with others who may have been struggling with the same things I have.  To be honest I have been suppressing the feelings of wanting to be a woman my entire life.  As a child I would remember praying every night that I would wake up as the person I felt I was.  I eventually fell into the practice of living my life for others expectations and just pushed the feelings deep down to where they were numb.  I rationalized with myself that I can only play the hand I was dealt at birth so I may as well play it as best I can.  I don't think that way of thinking is really working for me now.  I'm afraid I've just been existing and not really living by numbing this part of me for 37 years.  The hurdles I have now though are that I am married with a young child.  I love my wife and if I were to go down this path I'm sure the relationship would end.  I come from a divorced household that has, and still is, impacting me in negative ways and I don't want that for my son.  I also feel like I'd be robbing my son of a "male figure" in his life if I were to embrace these feelings.  On top of all that a part of me (probably the rationalizing part of my brain) feels it's too late for me.  My hormones are set, I have male pattern baldness, wide shoulders, big feet, hands and a blocky body frame.  When I look in the mirror I don't see any trace of the person I feel like on the inside.  Anyway, sorry for the rambling.  It's nice to just share these feelings if anything.

[Ivy]

Welcome Adamtoeve.

Whatever you decide is your own business.  But just so you know, 37 is not too old.  Many of us did not start transition till much older than that.  Sure you missed out on the "sweet young thing" experience, but there is more to life than that.

I hope you can find your own kind of balance.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Adam.  I understand where you're coming from.  Decisions are very difficult on this path, but they don't always result in sadness and loss.  I was 20 years into my marriage, and had a son.  I, too, thought I might lose them, but I didn't and we're still a family.  But many people are not as fortunate.

 

Please look around the forums and ask questions and participate as much or as little as you like.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mmindy]

3 hours ago, Adamtoeve said:

My therapist recommended I join a forum and support group to connect with others who may have been struggling with the same things I have.  To be honest I have been suppressing the feelings of wanting to be a woman my entire life. 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums Eve,

 

Like you I knew from my preteens that I was meant to be a girl, now a woman. I didn't come out to my wife until three years ago. I'm now 67, still married 47 years, and able to talk to my wife about my transgender feeling as we move forward with our lives. Waiting as late as I did change the options I have. The most important this is, I'm not hiding anymore. Your need to be a woman won't go away, you're just postponing your freedom from the closet.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋 

[Ashley0616]

Hi Adamtoeve it isn't easy. I have two boys and they have understood and didn't have any issues. One is only three years old and the other is seven. I have been through three marriages and currently separated from my third and going through a divorce. Divorce isn't easy for anyone. Even with the third one a lot of hope was there only to find out she didn't accept me for me. I know time will heal. I also understand how you feel about out and in of your body but do know that not all females are size 3 or whatever. There are some bigger women. I'm six foot tall and I still see some that are taller than me. 

[emeraldmountain]

@Adamtoeve

 

Welcome @Adamtoeve!

 

I'm really sorry to hear about the hardship you've been facing. However, as much of a cliche it is now, I would like to you to remember that it gets better.

 

You do not know what the future holds, so please try to remain optimistic, which I know is really hard to do when a person finds themselves in a situation like yours. As someone who lived deep in the hole of depression partly related to my gender issues for many years, I never, ever, ever thought I would get to live my life. Yet, one day I decided to seek out help on my own and start figuring myself out. I can tell you right now that the journey I've been on since then has lifted a tremendous amount of weight from my shoulders. I hope that you can also find a lifting of this weight, wherever that may bring you.

 

Lastly, I can not tell you whether or not you are transgender. That is something each and every one of us who have experienced gender issues has had to answer for ourselves. However, I would like to tell you that you are far, far, far from alone amongst people who have had similar gender concerns as you and who have felt too old to do anything about their gender, including transitioning. There are countless, countless posts online from people feeling like it's too late, even quite young people. I also felt this pain in my early twenties, although now I see how wrong I was. Please do not let this fear keep you from finding out who you are. You are still in the first half of your life, after all.

 

[emeraldmountain]

7 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

You are still in the first half of your life, after all.

And perhaps you are in an earlier stage of life than the first half, given how much longer people are living these days and hopefully into the future. The point is that you have many years ahead of you to live a fulfilling, fun, and amazing life true to yourself!

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums!!! I know you'll find lots of information and friendship here. WOrking with your therapist will help you determine your gender identity and help you determine how you want to proceed.

 

As someone who is only a little less than a year into the journey, having started at age 68 and still charting my path, you are never too late to take the first step. The difficult part is figuring out what the right step is. And, only you can decide.

 

No matter how you proceed, we're here to provide support.

[Adamtoeve]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and warm welcome.  I definitely have a lot to think about and soul search about.  

[emeraldmountain]

You're welcome @Adamtoeve. Please don't hesitate to post your thoughts and questions. We are here to support one another.

 

[EasyE]

Welcome to the forums. I am relatively new but have found some very warm and helpful people on here. This is a safe place to ask questions and ponder and learn...

 

My story is similar in the married-with-children aspect. I have two amazing daughters, both teens now. My wife freaked out when I told her earlier this year about my "feminine dimension" which has mostly expressed itself through crossdressing in secret most of my life. I am not sure where all this is headed. My wife and I have been separated for awhile for other reasons but this has really derailed out attempts at reconciliation...

 

I know my feminine dimension is real and I am not really sure what to do with everything. This part of my life seems so incongruent with everyone else around me. But this is a part of who I am. I can't deny that ... Best wishes on your journey. And yes you are still very young! I am 52 and mourn that I couldn't have, as Ivy described it above, the "Sweet young thing" experience... blessings!

 

E