Hello from San Diego, California and Cleveland, Ohio!

[Timi]

Hi! My name is Timi - a name that was affectionately given to me by a boss some 25 years ago, and one that I’ve now decided on my preferred spelling and claimed as my own. Way back then, 25 years ago, the word transgender was not in my vocabulary. But I knew I had a secret that I wouldn’t share with anyone. I would barely admit it to myself. But I remember grasping for words that would describe me, and laughing at the only descriptor I could think of - that I was a male lesbian. But it turns out that femininity can’t be completely hidden. I was perceived by others as being a gentle man. Thus the affectionate nickname “Timmy” among many other things.

 

Fast forward to this year - I turned 64 this year, and next year I celebrate 30 years of marriage, and we don’t have children.

 

A major tipping point came last August. I was in a sentimental mood and for the first time in more than 40 years, I reached out to my high school girlfriend on Facebook. We connected, and I saw that she posted this poem:

 

https://wordsfortheyear.com/2016/10/07/it-is-not-your-job-by-caitlyn-siehl-repost/

 

That’s when I cracked. She was always authentic back in high school, clothed in flannel shirts, boxy boyish jeans, and sneakers. I told her that I, who did not know it back then, have slowly come to realize that my soul and spirit is probably best described in a single word as “feminine” and that I was so grateful for her inspiration and example, and that she gave me courage to be true to my nature.

 

Over the course of the next couple of months, I came to understand that that message was the beginning of my transition and coming out.

 

Right now I’m in Cleveland, visiting in-laws until after the new year. We drove out from San Diego, and on the trip circumstances were such that I fully came out to my wife (she noticed that I had shaved my legs and arms - something done rather impulsively and in desperation after just really feeling grossed out looking at that fur one week). I had previously talked with her about what the word Transgender meant, and that it described me pretty well. She’s not fond of the word, and she did not appreciate the depth of my lifelong yearning to be a woman, so I gave her my full resume, going back to 4 years old, and including things that I wouldn’t share with anyone else, except a therapist.

 

We’re doing good, trying our best to nourish our love for each other and our relationship.

 

However, in Cleveland, I am not out. Nobody knows Timi here. So finding Transgender Pulse is a Godsend. I am so grateful for the loving and supportive environment that you all so carefully have created.

 

Thank you,

 

-Timi

[Timi]

I should clarify that the poem was not written by my friend, she just shared it on Facebook.

[Ivy]

Welcome Timi

58 minutes ago, Timi Shiels said:

But I knew I had a secret that I wouldn’t share with anyone. I would barely admit it to myself.

I could have written this myself.  I think a lot of us could.  It doesn't really go away.

[Timi]

1 hour ago, Ivy said:

I could have written this myself.  I think a lot of us could.  It doesn't really go away.

Thank you for the welcome, Ivy! I just recently appreciated how that secret affected my life. About 20 years ago, upon the encouragement of a lot of people, I entered the discernment process for ordination as a deacon in the Episcopal Church. I rather quickly exited the process. When I learned that there would be psychological examinations as part of the process, I pretty much had an anxiety attack. Back then, I had no idea why. I just knew that if given the choice, I would choose an unsedated colonoscopy over a psychological evaluation. Now I know why I felt that way. After all, I only had one Big Secret. And I sure didn't want to be potentially subjected to judgement over it. 

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Timi!! You'll find many of us here who began the journey to becoming our true selves late in life. I'm a few years older than you and about a year into defining what transition will look like for me. Like you, I've been married for many years and am blessed to have her love throughout.

 

I couldn't tell from your post if you were working with a gender therapist. For me, finding the right therapist has been a Godsend.

 

Jump in where you feel comfortable!! I look forward to getting to know you here.

 

[Ashley0616]

Hi Timi,

 

The poem was definitely well written, and I definitely agree with Ivy that it could be written by the majority of us. It's neat that our journeys are both the same and different at the same time. I'm glad you have someone. I'm following advice that I was given. I need to find myself first before diving into another relationship. They have all failed because I was expecting them to bring me happiness. I have and am still learning a lot about terminology and more about myself.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Timi Shiels said:

I only had one Big Secret

Hi Timi, and Welcome to the Forum.  I loved the poem..  Thank you for including that 🙏

I connected with many parts of your story (and we are in a similar age group) ... 3+ years ago I found this Forum and finally found the words to describe myself, and the supportive community I had been looking for.  This year I started HRT.

I think you are in the right place (literally and figuratively).  Deep breaths ... one step at a time.

[Timi]

15 hours ago, April Marie said:

I couldn't tell from your post if you were working with a gender therapist. For me, finding the right therapist has been a Godsend.

 

Thank you @April Mariefor the warm welcome - and thank you @Ashley0616 and @KayC as well!

 

Shortly before we left San Diego to Cleveland for our long visit, I found myself sitting at my desk typing the words "San Diego transgender therapist" into Google and looking through the listings that came up from Psychology Today. When I came across the listing for one therapist who specializes in transgender, relationship issues, and coping skills, and who is also transgender, I started sobbing and crying. In a good way. Just the realization that this is real, and really happening, was overwhelming. My plan is to make contact and start therapy in January when we get back to San Diego. 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Timi Shiels said:

My plan is to make contact and start therapy in January when we get back to San Diego. 

Sounds like a plan

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Timi,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

[Heather Shay]

@Timi Shiels I see you've met just some of the incredible people here. I'm glad you are here and I hope your hope is raised because of us.

Hugs,

Heather

[MaeBe]

Welcome, Timi!