Trying something new!

[Stephanie Possibly]

Ok, I browse this forum often and have posted a few times.  Everyone is so nice, and really helpful.  I have wanted to be a woman since I was 4, but never pursued transition.  I posted about my disphoria in the past, and my disphoria is really severe.  So I managed to push down the feelings for a month or so again, but now I’m back.  This constantly happens.  I decided this time that I was gonna make a small change.  I’m not gonna feel bad about wanting to be a woman, I have so much guilt when I think about it, but Isomething has to give.  So this week I am going to be as feminine as possible, and not get outed.  I decided I would live as a woman as much as I can this week.  I decided to dress in women’s underwear under my clothes to work, and dress as a woman at home and to sleep.  I can’t go all out because of my living situation, but my plan is to be as much a female as I can and see if anything gets better.  It’s amazing how much better I feel when I sleep in women’s clothing.  I woke up this morning and felt more myself than I have in forever.  I even shaved women’s areas, and it felt so good.  If this week goes as good as I think, I need to see a therapist and get on hrt.  It’s always amazing how acting and dressing like a woman makes me nervous excited for an hour, and then takes away all anxiety after that hour.  I bought a new bra last night, and it feels so right to wear it.  Another this is how good it feels to smell like a woman.  Hopefully I don’t lose this good feeling this week.  I’m hoping to finish the week like this and see what happens.  I feel better than I have in decades right now.  Now I just have to figure out what will have to happen once I see a therapist.  I don’t really think that they will find I’m not transgender, and that really scares me.  I think the scariest thing is that deep down, I have no doubts that I’m transgender, so I know what the therapist will say.  Sorry for the long rant, and again, thank you to all the wonderful people on this forum.

[MaeBe]

Your plan is one grounded in self-exploration and you appear to be approaching it in an openminded way. I hope your week is fabulous and you are able to find relief and answers!

[AllieJ]

You have been gender questioning for long enough to satisfy current criteria, so I wouldn't worry about the therapist assessment. Our brains are hard wired with gender identity from birth, and the longer we act opposite to that identity, the stronger dysphoria seems to get. Doing affirming things will help to reduce the severity of dysphoria, so your plan should work.

 

It is likely that despite doing some affirming things, your dysphoria will again increase over time. I resisted transition until my dysphoria began affecting my health seriously, and I wouldn't encourage others to do this. I should have transitioned 10 years earlier, and I possibly could have avoided some near death experiences. I wanted to maintain my male life, I needed to transition to female!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Mirrabooka]

10 hours ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

It’s amazing how much better I feel when I sleep in women’s clothing.  I woke up this morning and felt more myself than I have in forever.  I even shaved women’s areas, and it felt so good.  

I'm much the same. I've been wearing nighties for a couple of years now and it always makes me feel lovely. I also started shaving my underarms and coating my nails in clear gel this year. Plus, I let my hair grow out too. All these affirming things as Allie put it, make me feel better, more normal maybe, but luckily I don't have the level of dysphoria that others do without that stuff and I'm not even seeking to transition socially. I just know that I prefer those affirming things. That said, if I was forced into getting a buzz cut now like I had for 25 years, I can't help thinking that it would put me in a very bad place mentally.

[Stephanie Possibly]

The thing about all this is that I would transition in a heartbeat if I didn’t feel so guilty.  I always feel like it is too selfish, and I have always tried to do right by everyone else but myself in my life.  That’s why I know without a doubt that I am trans.  When I let myself be feminine and wear women’s clothing, my anxiety goes away.  But, I also feel guilt due to my Christianity.  I keep thinking this is something that is a temptation that I could get past if I try hard enough.  But the more I think about it, it is what I am, I just have to decide if I can live denying a base part of myself for the rest of my life.  As you can probably tell, the guilt got to me again, that’s why I’m posting.

[AllieJ]

21 minutes ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

The thing about all this is that I would transition in a heartbeat if I didn’t feel so guilty.  I always feel like it is too selfish, and I have always tried to do right by everyone else but myself in my life.  That’s why I know without a doubt that I am trans.  When I let myself be feminine and wear women’s clothing, my anxiety goes away.  But, I also feel guilt due to my Christianity.  I keep thinking this is something that is a temptation that I could get past if I try hard enough.  But the more I think about it, it is what I am, I just have to decide if I can live denying a base part of myself for the rest of my life.  As you can probably tell, the guilt got to me again, that’s why I’m posting.

 

Stephanie, it is important to know that we are born with our brains wired with cross gender identity, so it's not something you are attracted to, it's your body trying to do what is right for it. This isn't something we want, but something we need to achieve congruence, so please, never feel guilty. Research is pointing to part of the brain called the Bed Nucleus as the centre of this incongruence, and that it forms differently due to our mothers varying hormone levels during our pregnancy. So you neither choose this, or can get rid of it other than through medical treatments.   You are not guilty of anything. 

 

graphic below courtesy of Harvard University

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[DeeDee]

29 minutes ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

But, I also feel guilt due to my Christianity.

I won't get into it, but as a Transgender minister guilt is just a learned behaviour because you've been told anything outside the Elizabethan biblical understanding was wrong. Being trans is accepting who you are and how you were made and there's nothing wrong with that, it can just take some time to work through.

I'm glad you are finding ways to be yourself!

[Stephanie Possibly]

2 hours ago, DeeDee said:

I won't get into it, but as a Transgender minister guilt is just a learned behaviour because you've been told anything outside the Elizabethan biblical understanding was wrong. Being trans is accepting who you are and how you were made and there's nothing wrong with that, it can just take some time to work through.

I'm glad you are finding ways to be yourself!

Im working on it.  I am trying to accept myself more, but it’s hard to change your deep imbedded thoughts of what you are feeling is bad.  I have really tried to think back to even when I was a kid.  I didn’t know what transgender was, but I still wanted to wake up as a female.  I remember thinking at the time that it was weird, but not wrong.  I only was indoctrinated with it’s wrong when I was much older.  I have also realized that I am attracted to men.  I never admitted that till earlier this year, but most times I have sexual thoughts , outside of a woman I am with at the time, they involve me as a woman, with a man.  Sometimes in the past few years it has been me as a man with a man, but I only think those came along after I admitted to myself that I am trans, but could never transition.  I also am coming to see that if it is wrong, I could stop the thoughts, and feel differently, but how can I pretend to be something I’m not (a man), forever.

 

I would even think that maybe I learned the behavior, but I never knew it was a thing when I started feeling it.  The first time I heard about transgender, I had 2 thoughts, that is exactly what I have felt since before I can remember and there is no way I am that, cause it I shouldn’t be.  Makes you wonder how many people try to resist everything their mind and body tells them at all times.  It is very tiresome.

[Timi]

1 hour ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

The first time I heard about transgender, I had 2 thoughts, that is exactly what I have felt since before I can remember and there is no way I am that, cause it I shouldn’t be.  

Stephanie Possibly - What you said. Yes. I get it. So much truth for me in those words. 

 

Thank you for sharing. 

 

-Timi

[Timi]

11 hours ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

... I never admitted that till earlier this year, but most times I have sexual thoughts , outside of a woman I am with at the time, they involve me as a woman, with a man.  ...

Stephanie Possibly, Thank you for sharing and for being so vulnerable in expressing your deepest thoughts in this space. My sexual thoughts also center around me being a woman. You are not alone in this. And thank you thank you thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this either. 

 

Hugs!

 

-Timi

[EasyE]

On 12/4/2023 at 4:46 PM, Stephanie Possibly said:

The thing about all this is that I would transition in a heartbeat if I didn’t feel so guilty.  I always feel like it is too selfish, and I have always tried to do right by everyone else but myself in my life.  That’s why I know without a doubt that I am trans.  When I let myself be feminine and wear women’s clothing, my anxiety goes away.  But, I also feel guilt due to my Christianity.  I keep thinking this is something that is a temptation that I could get past if I try hard enough.  But the more I think about it, it is what I am, I just have to decide if I can live denying a base part of myself for the rest of my life.  As you can probably tell, the guilt got to me again, that’s why I’m posting.

Stephanie I am in tears as I read this because this is so me!!!!! I feel as though I am reading my own words (though I think my inner female is named Ellie, lol) ... 

 

I too, have struggled so much with the guilt, with fears of disappointing others and with Christianity. I love God. I love Jesus. I love the Catholic church. I love the Bible. I love my wife. I love my family. I want to do good deeds with my life and help others, but sometimes I feel so bad and so worried that I am doing something wrong and am offending God with all of this (and have certainly heard as such from Christians around me, including my wife).

 

I, too, wonder sometimes if this is just a temptation to overcome. Is this something getting in the way of what I am really supposed to be doing with my life or is this the thing I am supposed to be doing that will open up all the other doors to finding my purpose and mission in life? I don't know. I don't know! But I am certainly swimming hard upstream and you are right it is exhausting...

 

Anyways, sorry to ramble. Please know you have a kindred spirit here in NC. And as others have shared, thanks for being vulnerable.