Life and Times

[RaineOnYourParade]

My story is not nearly as incredible or far along as a lot of other people who have posted, but I had some extra time on my hands and some assignments to avoid, so why not? Some of this isn't trans related but was important in my development? Idk if it was right for me to include that or not but whatever lmao- Anyways, some of this is gonna be kinda uncomfortable to read, so trigger warning ig? And it's long, sorry-

 

Let's start at the beginning. I was born in Seattle to a twenty year old mother and a drug addict. It didn't last long, they were divorced after around a year of marriage due to my biological father's drug problem and we moved back to my grandparents' house by the time I was three years old. My mom was juggling helping out my grandparents, working, going to college, dating, and motherhood all at the same time. (She's incredible, obviously, I would've crumbled under that pressure for sure.) Because of that, she had to be out of the house a lot, so staying home with my grandparents wasn't an uncommon occurrence. My grandfather (Papa) was, and is, kinda crazy, I won't lie. My grandma (Nana) was completely normal (for a lack of a better word), though. I got a lot of entertainment from screens and such, and I found connections in TV and movies, made friends over computer games, and kind of built the way I acted around devices a bit because of it. A lot of my behavior was based off what I saw on TV or in games, and later, around what I saw from other people, mostly girls my age. I had a strong desire to be "normal", and I was even afraid as a kid of being too different. I knew certain things about me were off from the start, so I tried my best to hide them and fit into the mold -- including anything relating to a possible want to be a boy, that'd be immediately shut down. I was called with she/her pronouns, which are used for girls; I was given skirts and dresses, which are girls' clothes; I was called a girl constantly. All the evidence pointed to me being a girl, so I figured there was no other option.

 

I wasn't the "girliest girl" -- I was a bit of a tomboy -- but I wasn't extremely tomboyish, either. I was sort of in the middle ground as a kid, especially before going to school. My mom didn't really mind either way. Tomboy, girly girl, didn't matter as long as I was happy and healthy. I was allowed to wear pants and shirts along with dresses whenever, so putting on a shirt and jeans wasn't some holy revelation to me that I was a guy like it is for some trans women to wear a dress for the first time. I was comfortable with wearing both feminine clothes and masculine clothes. I was never one for princess movies, but I gravitated to movies like Mulan and Brave with strong female leads. I took them more for inspiration than a damsel in distress, and I figured that was just me being a different type of girl. For some girls, it would be. I especially liked Mulan -- seeing Mulan hide herself as a man in the army was something that made me feel great for a reason I couldn't explain.

 

When I started school, I mimicked how the girls around me acted, but I'd still find myself gravitating towards the boys every now and again and I ended up with a lot of male friends regardless. Men have just always been easier to talk to than women for me -- unless I'm attracted to them, of course, than it's an entire mess regardless of gender (pansexual problems lol). I have a hard time communicating in general for a whole variety of reasons, but talking to guys instead of girls was always that tiniest bit easier. Still, I was told I was a girl, so I had to act as a girl, and have girl friends. I don't regret getting any of my female friendships -- I love them (platonically) -- but I still took the chances I could to talk to guys more, even if that meant pretending to have a crush on them or making them interact with my female friend group more.

 

I met my mom's new boyfriend at six during all of this. He's a pretty good dude. We've had problems before, like any two people do, but it's a mostly good relationship from the get-go even with his lack of experience with kids. I fell out of contact with my biological father a few years after. The things above sort of just continued, and I continued hiding it best I could. The exceptions were certain costumes. I was Harry Potter (love the series, hate the author) for a birthday party instead of Hermionie or Ginny or any of the other female characters. I was Spider-Man for Halloween one year, a Ghostbuster for another. However, when I was told I couldn't be those types of characters due to me being a girl, I pushed myself into a more feminine direction, with the exception of dressing up as Toothless one year (but that's sort of gender neutral despite the fact he's a male dragon). 

 

Moving forward a lot, my mother got married to her boyfriend when I was ten. She was pregnant with who would be my first little sister. For the purpose of this, I'll use her nickname/middle name, Rey. She was born prematurely via C-section soon after, which caused some stress on my family. I tried to not think about the worrying parts too much and just be happy to be a big sibling. It was around now I had started having my first romantic feelings to people, both girls and boys. I crushed down my feelings towards females as I hadn't ever been introduced to the idea of a same-sex couple. I figured I was wrong for it since I had never seen it before and focused too hard on male crushes instead. Overall, it was a pretty stressful time.

 

It was middle school when I accepted the fact I wasn't straight, though I was still figuring out what the hell I was, with help from other LGBT friends who were figuring out their identities. After all, I couldn't be so wrong if other people were having the same experience. It was a big weight off my shoulders. However, I was still ignorant when it came to gender and therefore continued suppressing that side of myself. I became pretty depressed during my middle school years. I didn't have the balls (no joke intended) to cut, but I'd bite and scratch at myself frequently, or pick the skin by my fingernails until I'd bleed. Part of it was out of nervous habit, and part of it was out of self-loathing. It was far from my brightest moment, and I thought about dying more than once.

 

My second sister (nickname, Emmy) was born three years after the first, while I was in 7th grade. We lived in a townhouse with three small bedrooms. It was more than big enough when it was just me, and just fine when it was just me and Rey, but the addition of Emmy made things cramped. Then, the pandemic hit, and that crampedness just became that much more obvious. I'd already moved a few times already -- a bunch around Seattle as a little kid, then from Seattle to Virginia to live at my grandparents', then to another place in Virginia where me and my mom could live in an apartment on our own, and then that town house. During the pandemic, we made a fourth move: From Virginia to Maryland. I was thrust into a new school virtually, so I had no idea what to do with myself, really. So, I began going online a lot again, just like I did as a kid, and I stumbled upon the term genderqueer for the first time. I realized I related immediately, and did some research. At first, I thought I was gender-fluid. I thought I was a girl still, sometimes. I started letting myself acknowledge how uncomfortable I was being called she/her or daughter or any related term, though I didn't act on the feeling. 

 

Then, I started to realize maybe that wasn't it, so I flicked myself into the default "cis girl" category, figuring it'd just been a mistake. Then, I went back for more as undefined enby, then as gender-flux, a variation of gender-fluidity. Meanwhile, I was making more trans friends at school, in addition to male friends. I have hardly any cis female friends at my current high school, when I really think about it. Eventually, though, I realized how uncomfortable I was being called she/her all the time, not just occasionally.  Sometimes I felt better with he/him and sometimes with they/them. Another research trip on the Internet (I do a lot of those) later, I found the term "boyflux" -- gender-fluidity between being a boy and other genders, though not hitting on being a girl. It fit what I was feeling really well, but I usually just go with transmasculine as a label for simplicity's sake.

 

It wasn't that simple, though. There was one major incident that sent me back into the questioning spiral, and this might be extra uncomfortable to read, so fair warning. It was a day we wanted to go to the pool, but I got my period. My mom bought me some tampons and told me to use one so I could still go swimming. I tried. Even just starting to try to put it in made me so immensely uncomfortable, and it wasn't just the weird physical feeling. The idea of what was down there wasn't something exactly comfortable, but it was far enough from my usual thoughts that I could ignore it. While trying to put in the tampon, however, I spiraled. The idea of putting this thing into this part made me break down in tears. I ended up not going to the pool after that, obviously. I started struggling back into my pattern of self-hate over this tiny cotton thing to soak up blood. The usual insults along with "What kind of girl can't even put a tampon in?" and such. And I remembered then something a transmasculine friend of mine had mentioned: binding. I don't know why it crossed my mind, but I tossed the tampon out, put on some underwear and pants, grabbed a scarf, and tied it around my chest. Seeing my chest flattened out immediately made me feel 10x better. I actually started laughing. It was kind of uncomfortable, since I was using a scarf, and it certainly wasn't the most effective method. You could see the knot through my shirt, too. However, even that little bit made me feel good. I started tying that scarf around my chest when I was alone a lot, and that's what threw me back into questioning my gender.

 

I recently came out to my parents. I actually came out twice -- once as gender-flux and once as transmasculine. The first time went over better than the second. I just got hugs and such the first coming out, and they started using my preferred name, Raine. (I chose it because it's, A, gender-neutral and, B, the same name as a favorite character in a show, Raine Whispers from The Owl House. They're an enby legend :>) The second, my mom sat me down on my bed and began talking to me. She said she felt it was wrong in her heart, that I was "in no way masculine", that she "didn't want to say she didn't believe me" but made it pretty clear she didn't. I froze up, not knowing what to do. I came out both time in notes since I'm bad with communication verbally, even with my family, but she then came up to me with this and I just couldn't. I couldn't talk -- trying made my throat hurt, and I could only make a few noises. I couldn't move, I was shaking, and I couldn't look at her. I couldn't answer any of her questions or refute any of her claims due to how anxious I became. The entire experience was pretty grueling for a guy like me.

 

Nowadays, I'm still getting she/her most of the time. It's something I'm working slowly on. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with my feminine side, despite being a guy, and I'm trying my best to accept it all. I can't do much, but I can do little things to make myself feel more like a man and valid. There's always moments of doubt, but I try.

[EasyE]

Thank you Raine for sharing your heart and your story ... You have certainly been through a lot ... I hope it felt as good for you to write/type your story as it did for me the first time I posted mine on here (it felt so good to just "get it all out" -- very cathartic... Blessings to you on your journey... 

 

E

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Raine, it sounds like you've been through a lot so far.  I get the sense that you're in your late teens or very early 20s (correct me if I'm wrong).  If so, you're farther along in the process than I was at that age.  In late high school and into my 20s I was still doing the closeted lesbian thing.  I'll say that life at high school graduation looks way different than life just ten years later.  From what you write, seems like you've got a good start.... just relax and life has a weird way of working things out.  😏

[RaineOnYourParade]

1 hour ago, EasyE said:

Thank you Raine for sharing your heart and your story ... You have certainly been through a lot ... I hope it felt as good for you to write/type your story as it did for me the first time I posted mine on here (it felt so good to just "get it all out" -- very cathartic... Blessings to you on your journey... 

 

E

Yeah it felt pretty good  

 

Thanks for the blessings, hopefully things only get better

 

1 minute ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Raine, it sounds like you've been through a lot so far.  I get the sense that you're in your late teens or very early 20s (correct me if I'm wrong).  If so, you're farther along in the process than I was at that age.  In late high school and into my 20s I was still doing the closeted lesbian thing.  I'll say that life at high school graduation looks way different than life just ten years later.  From what you write, seems like you've got a good start.... just relax and life has a weird way of working things out.  😏

 

Yeah, I'm seventeen as of recently  

 

I think it definitely helps that I have my good ol' pal the Internet to research and friends that were the same way to show me it was alright. Otherwise, it'd taken me a lot longer to accept it.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

21 minutes ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

 think it definitely helps that I have my good ol' pal the Internet to research and friends that were the same way to show me it was alright. Otherwise, it'd taken me a lot longer to accept it.

 

Yeah, we're definitely from different generations, even though the years between us don't seem like all that much.  See, when I was a teenager, the internet was just beginning to be a factor in everybody's life.  Dial-up was still common, and Facebook was only a couple of years old.  Forums like this one were also a recent invention.  Technology can be both a blessing and a curse.  Good in that there's better connection with friends, new ways to meet people, and more information.  Bad in that bullies can follow you home electronically...and trans folks really seem to suffer from that. 

[RaineOnYourParade]

7 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

Yeah, we're definitely from different generations, even though the years between us don't seem like all that much.  See, when I was a teenager, the internet was just beginning to be a factor in everybody's life.  Dial-up was still common, and Facebook was only a couple of years old.  Forums like this one were also a recent invention.  Technology can be both a blessing and a curse.  Good in that there's better connection with friends, new ways to meet people, and more information.  Bad in that bullies can follow you home electronically...and trans folks really seem to suffer from that. 

 

It's all fun and games until people find out you exist ig

 

As for the generational difference, I was around a lot of millennial adults (my mom's friends) as a kid, so I feel like occasionally I just drop something from them and everyone else around me is just like "What the [squid] are you talking about man?"

[April Marie]

Thank you for sharing your story, Raine. You've been through a lot already given your age. I am so much older than you - probably closer to great-grandparent than even grandparent - and only a year into my own journey of self-acceptance so I don't feel I'm in any position to offer advice. So, let me offer my thoughts on your approach to life.

 

I am so very impressed at how you've navigated your journey so far. You've given yourself time, and permission, to research, to learn, to evaluate, to reflect on who you are as a person. You've learned as you tried out the various approaches but, most importantly, you've adapted and adjusted based on what your heart and mind are telling you. 

 

You seem to have gotten past the concept of "fitting in" with your peers and focused on "fitting yourself." And, you recognize that you, we all, are on a journey of discovery about who we are and that journey can take time to fully experience and understand. Each part is a section of blocks that ultimately forms who we are...and sometimes there can be changes and surprises along the way.

 

I also love the underlying positivity of your posts - this and others. Certainly, there are negative feelings and reactions along the way. Learning and accepting your gender identify is a roller coaster of emotions that can be both painful and exhilarating. But, as I think back to reading your posts here I love that you focus on how to better present the person you are, the person you will be and that you take the time to explore and to evaluate as you gain understanding.

 

All of these things can only help you along your journey, Raine. You're awesome!

[Mirrabooka]

What @April Mariesaid!

 

@RaineOnYourParade, thank you so much for being so open. There is no doubt that you felt a level of catharsis from writing your post, and as you know, this forum is a perfect place to do so. I've felt it too. We're all in this together, whatever our slant.

 

As others have said, you've been through a lot. May the rest of your journey be easier! 💗

 

 

[Birdie]

I can fully relate to being a teenager with parents that didn't understand and were resistive (I used to be there).

Our circumstances are quite different, but the hardships with family is quite real. 

You seem to have found yourself, and where you fit. That is something I never did as a teenager, so Bravo!

 

You are 17, so you have your whole life ahead of you to reach ALL your dreams! 

Family pressure can be quite the setback, but at your age it's only temporary unless you allow it to be more. 

 

Just get up every morning and 'be yourself'!

Every other pressure in life as just background noise. 

[KatieSC]

Raine,

 

Make no mistake, your journey is similar to many. Feeling ill at ease with who we appear to be to the rest of world, can be difficult. When I came to the realization that things were just wrong (about the age of 4-5), I too, was very confused. The struggle between being our true selves and being what was considered "normal" was a struggle. As a kid, at least back when I was trying to figure it all out, there were no resources to talk to. I remember going to bed every night praying that I would wake up and be a normal little girl, yet when I woke up, I was still a boy. Then came the I need to try x, y, and z in order to be a "normal" boy. It was a constant struggle.

 

You have endured a lot to go through the journey you have made. You are you. Do not let anybody pull you apart for being who you are comfortable being. It is a healthy thing to be able to reflect where you have been, and how you went from point A to point B.

[RaineOnYourParade]

Thank you everyone ^-^

[Vidanjali]

10 hours ago, April Marie said:

I also love the underlying positivity of your posts - this and others.

 

Raine. You're awesome!

 

I second the above  Thanks for sharing, as usual, Raine.

 

It's interesting, the pandemic was ironically a boon to so many trans folks, giving us time and space away from societal expectations to reflect, discover, and blossom. I can certainly relate to that.

 

AND likewise TW

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I also found tampons triggering. Yeah. Yuck.

 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

It's interesting, the pandemic was ironically a boon to so many trans folks, giving us time and space away from societal expectations to reflect, discover, and blossom. I can certainly relate to that.

This

[KayC]

Hi Rain!  I want to echo everybody else's comments about the value of sharing your story.  It' SO important to be able to do that and I'm happy you are here with us in a supportive environment.  Many of us have gained that benefit through gender therapy, and I hope you have that opportunity also, or maybe to find a local support group.  Community is essential.

I do want to pass along that in my journey I have found that I don't really like 'labels' or having to identify somewhere specifically on the spectrum.  My profile says Transfeminine, and I can honestly say that is the closest I could find to fit my emotional identity.  But I also know (as I think you discovered) that it can be much more complex and randomly fluid at times based on the circumstances and our surrounding environment.  I'm pretty good to identify as Queer too (I do like that label because it's Open).

The other thing I can say is I believe those on the transgender spectrum generally have much more self-awareness that your average cis-person who is still shackled by the expectations of society.  So Congratulations!  I think you are on your way to finding true value and identity in your life.  As my signature block says ... It's a long road...

You have time ... you got this

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Susan R]

That was a wonderfully written biography, @RaineOnYourParade. Your journey of discovery, though difficult, has been a valuable part of learning who you are. I think it evolves a lot during the teen years. We tend to learn what we’re told we are is not necessarily OUR truth. We find we can step out of our preconceived notion of self and begin to live more freely.

 

I can relate to this time in my life where I was trying to figure out who I was. Diversity of any kind during my childhood was ver much frowned upon….defining one’s gender as anything but male/ female was unheard of and sexuality was just as confusing. Labels can sometimes approximate our gender and sexuality but we are much more diverse than a single word or phrase can define. They do help us find others who are like we are though and I believe thats important. Especially when you might not be getting full support from family or at least the level of acceptance you expected. You’re still relatively young (compared to me) and you have time on your side. Mom may eventually come around as she starts to see you for who you really are.

 

I want to add…There are excellent responses in this thread and some great food for thought. I wish you the best on your journey and hope you eventually receive the acceptance you deserve.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷