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[blackpanther]

It's been at least 8 yrs since I have last been on a forum such as this. This absence was caused by the last therapist I had firing me and outing me because I disagreed with her pro Trump maggot politics and her evangelical beliefs. Swore to never open myself up again. But here I am. Hope this is not a mistake. I was born with dysphoria. Born 6 wks early in the late '40s, lived in an incubator for 6 wks. As far back in my pre school toddlerhood I did not understand why I could not dress like the other girls. Up to the 3rd grade I was routinely harassed verbally and physically for my behavior which was clearly feminine. I associated only with girls and when possible wore dresses. Things changed in third grade. A boy across the street whose sister I played with constantly tried to drive me away from his sister mostly with physical threats. He was 2 yrs older than I, 20lbs heavier and 6 inches taller. The culmination of this was him cornering me against their chain link fence and beating me with a baseball bat. Had an adult not intervened I surely would have been killed. After this I decided to hid my femininity at all costs and be the male persona everyone including my father wanted me to be. I had no idea that this split in myself would ultimately lead to my attempted suicide at age 45.

 

Several years prior my wife of 23 yrs and I started going to counseling due to her discovering me dressing one day. My doctor fairly quickly Identified my gender dysphoria and that he considered me a pre-op transsexual woman. As I learned more about myself I was quite hopeful of finally being able to live as the woman I am. For the next several years while continuing my therapy it appeared my wife had accepted the situation but in April of my son's final year in high school she said she wanted a divorce. Instantly my life blew up. She was the love of my life. She was angry and said I was a pervert and an evil person. Since I could never be be "cured" I felt the only solution was for me to be gone. That I failed was miracle. The divorced was terribly caustic. She blackmailed me into agreeing to give her 33% of my income for life. If I didn't she would out me publicly with my profession and everyone else she could reach. My lawyer told me to agree as if I didn't we would have to go to trial and all would come out anyway. 

 

I had been in AA ever since my suicide attempt as a condition to stay out of the being confined in a recovery center. There I met a woman who had come in 3 months earlier. She and AA have turned out to be the best things that have ever happened to me. After knowing each other for a year in the program we decided to live together. Before this move I told her everything about me. I had lied to my former wife for years and was not about to start this relationship that way. A year later we married against the advice of our sponsors. Knowing someone's secrets is different from living with them 24-7. Living a with woman was hard because she had fallen in love with a very good copy of a mam's man. Then 3 months after our marriage she was diagnosed with MS. Initially her first episode took her sight. Slowly it recovered to about 90%. Then her ability to walk. Unable to care for her as well as work she left to live with her mother who was a retired nurse. Our split was problematic as she didn't know if she could continue to live intimately with another woman. 

 

For 8 months we had no contact. At month 9 we reconnected and she had realized she did not want to live without me regardless of my gender. During the time apart I began my physical transition. I started with hormones and for 6 months all went well. Then I had a series of cardiac issues traced to the hormones. My doctor stopped my hormones as he felt I had a high chance of dying if I continued. I was devastated. I again slipped into clinical depression with thoughts of suicide. Thanks to my sponsor I recovered. The only positive was that the hormones had made erections a thing of the past much to my happiness. 

 

Now at 75  and 26 yrs of marriage my life just gets better. When I found that I could not transition physically a large part of of the devastation was the knowledge I would never be able to experience sexual intimacy/fulfillment as a woman. Something I had ached for since since I was a girl in my teens. Fortunately with love and tenderness my wife has shown me that women have more than one way to be complete sexually. I have done what I can to feminize my body such as laser hair removal. I live fulltime as a woman privately. In these times being out publicly is a very dangerous path. Especially if you do not have the good fortune to pass without doubt as a woman.

 

Three years ago we moved to the most beautiful place in the world. We live on a large plot of land and have a high level of privacy. The state we left is the most dangerous place for trans people in the US. Our new home being rural is 85% Republican and of that 85% 98% are Trump maggot evangelicals.. But that's ok I didn't move here for the people. It's the land and all the life that depends on it that I love and which connects me to my higher power. Even if I had transitioned passing would have been problematic thanks to the damage done to my body during puberty. Up to puberty with long hair I would have easily passed as a very pretty girl. Fortunately the craft/art that has been my life long profession and passion is something I can do until they turn me to ash without depending on the locals. 

 

Hope I haven't gone on too long.

[Vidanjali]

Nice to meet you @blackpanther. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing your story. I am so sorry about the episode with the therapist and I can understand how it would cause you to close yourself off. I am glad you've taken the chance to open up here. I once had a therapist during a very vulnerable time in my life when my mental health was very precarious who told me that because I didn't read the Bible everyday that I obviously didn't want to get better. That was followed by her telling me "I refuse to go to that dark place with you" when I was telling her about what it was like when I was in the grip of depression with psychotic features. That was extremely triggering and I felt the same way - that I didn't want to risk being hurt like that again. But, like all things in this world, even that passed. Thank God. To that end, I am also happy to hear of your faithful relationship with your Higher Power. I too found my own spiritual path. Higher Power is naturally infinitely creative - there are countless paths to Truth. 

 

I am certainly touched by the rest of your story and proud of you for your perseverance and endurance. Your life is a true testimony to the truism that one must never give up. That may seem unwarranted given the suicide attempt, but I include it because you were clearly spared for a reason. Moreover, I can also relate to that episode.

 

I hope you will find this community as uplifting, supportive and loving as I have. Much love to you.

[blackpanther]

Thanks much for the support. How people like our therapists ever got allowed in the profession baffles me.

[Delcina B]

Welcome! Glad you're here! I hope you find the wonderful support advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[RaineOnYourParade]

Welcome! I hope you find what you need here and people to support you through this ❤️ 

[Birdie]

Welcome! And I'm sure you will find new friends and plenty of support here. 💞

 

I also was referred to a psychiatrist by my right-wing doctor that was hellbent on 'treating' me for my gender dysphoria. 

 

It's quite irritating when your therapy session wants to tell you that you are ill and in need of repair. 😐

 

There are plenty of therapists out there, and ditching the bad ones is always an option. 

 

Again, WELCOME!

[Susan R]

I am so glad you’re giving our forum a chance, @blackpanther. It's a pleasure to have you with us. I enjoyed reading your introduction as it was heartfelt and brought up so many feelings and emotions I had experienced during my life. Like you and so many others on this forum, dealing with so many of these societal obstacles and false doctrines forces us to suppress our personality and true identities. Despite the suppression of our true selves, it never truly leaves us as it’s a deep part of our being that can never be changed by politics, religion or legislation. That’s one of the many things that our society doesn’t yet understand about being a transgender individual.

 

I am so glad that God spared you at your lowest and you’re able to be here today to share a part of yourself here. Each voice makes us stronger as a community and we are all better for it. I hope you find helpful support here and a few good friendships along the way. Thanks again for taking a chance with us today.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum @blackpanther!!! Thank you for sharing so much about your life with us. You will find amazing people here who are both supportive and nonjudgmental. Jump in where you are comfortable. 🙂

 

I see much of my story in yours. I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

You did make the right decision by joining us here at TGP.

[KayC]

Hi @blackpanther!  Nice to meet you, and Welcome!
 

15 hours ago, blackpanther said:

outing me because I disagreed with her pro Trump maggot politics and her evangelical beliefs. Swore to never open myself up again. But here I am. Hope this is not a mistake.

Oh my!  that's horrible.  But, I believe you will find being here is not a mistake.  I'm so happy you found us, and I hope you soon feel the same.

Thank you for sharing your story and your journey.  You've paid a terrible price for the freedom to be yourself, but your story is inspiring and I think you have a lot to both contribute and gain from this Community.  Welcome again, and look forward to hearing more from you.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi blackpanther,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi blackpanther, it is lovely to meet you! Thank you for sharing your story, with all of its ups and downs. I'm glad that you have reached out again and shown such determination. Everyone here is lovely and been so welcoming, it feels like a wonderful community. I wish you all the best.

Emily x

[blackpanther]

Hadn't looked at my bio in a while. Pleasantly surprised to see so many positive posts. Thank you all for the warm welcomes.

I don't need to explain but I want to anyway. You see neither my true name or photo are identified. The reason is where I live.

I live in the rural southeast US. The county is very small population wise. Just 15-20k people. 85% are Republican. of that 85%, 98% are Trumpers and white Christian nationalists. Non whites make up only 3% of the population, mostly Hispanic.

Almost zero blacks.  Obviously securing my identity is essential in this environment. Fortunately most keep to themselves as do my wife and I. 

[Charlize]

i can unfortunately understand.  Many trans friends in the south have similar issues.  Whenever i travel to red states i become a bit anxious.  I'm sorry, but measured you are welcome here to express yourself in a safe environment.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize