Is this dysphoria/euphoria?

[LateToEden]

So I'm very very new to questioning my gender. I present fairly masculine I suppose, and one of my most defining features is a beard. I have had the beard for over a decade. I have tons of friends and acquaintances who have never seen me without it, and up until a few weeks ago I have been know to tell people that it is permanent. I've made such a big deal about hating the way I look without a beard that it poses a problem. I want to shave but I'm really really scared too. First, what if I hate my face as much as I remember hating it before I grew the beard? And second, what do I say to the inevitable questions of "why did you do that?"

 

I look... fine with the beard. I guess. And I could have dealt with it much longer, but I think I -toasted- up. Because earlier this week, high and bored, I decided if I couldn't shave my face I'd try something less noticeable. I shaved my chest.

 

I don't know that I've ever had dysphoria. It's one of the reasons I feel so much imposter syndrome. But when I shaved my chest I felt a feeling I can only assume was gender euphoria. I am a larger person, and have always been very self conscious about my "man boobs". But seeing my hairless chest made me feel so good about my body. I feel... attractive? No, I feel hot. Sorry if that's too much info, but I love feeling soft and smooth. And now I can't help but look at my face and think "I could look pretty under there". I don't know what to do. Help?

[Astrid]

28 minutes ago, LateToEden said:

I look... fine with the beard. I guess.

 

Most all of  us initially went through a questioning stage, full of questions not unlike yours.  Re the beard, you can

use apps to virtually test how you look without it. A quick search finds this site for doing it: https://www.perfectcorp.com/consumer/blog/selfie-editing/no-beard-filter-apps  

 

Milestones we thouht to be fraught with problems (shaving a beard; shopping for women's clothes and dealing with salespeople/cashiers; wearing those same clothes in public; and so on) often turn out in retrospect not to have been the Big Deal we feared.  You wouldn't be the first person to shave your beard unexpectedly (that we me, too, over ten years ago).

 

An important part of all of this is finding what makes you happy. And as you explore, talk with others, and read up on gender, you may well find that your own understanding and wishes change over time.

 

Warm wishes and welcome!

 

Astrid

 

[AllieJ]

Gender Dysphoria does not announce itself, so we have to interpret the signals to work out what is going on. Like most others, it took me some time to figure this out, leaving me lost for some years. I found it helps to have an understanding of what might be happening to us. 

 

We are born with our Gender ID hardwired into us, and when we affirm that identity, it sends pleasing signals to our brains. This is Gender Euphoria. If our identity is incongruent with our sex, behaviour congruent with our sex will be incongruent with our identity, and we will get uncomfortable signals sent you our brains to figure out. This is Dysphoria.

 

If we accept this, we can test ourselves. If we behave consistent with our sex, and it feels uncomfortable, it is a strong sign we are feeling Gender Dysphoria. My experience with Gender Dysphoria (over 65 years!) led me to find that it is cumulative, building up over time from barely noticeable to overwhelming if we ignore it long enough. By doing things affirming our Gender Identity, we can get and will feel relief. But it doesn't last, and while we continue to ignore it, it keeps building. Long term, this leads to stress, then depression, then  failing health. I found this out the hard way...

 

I found that anything affirming can help to reduce Dysphoria, even thinking affirming thoughts, affirming actions, or maybe even taking an affirming name in a game or story. Of course, some people can get sexual pleasure from cross sex thoughts and actions, but this is not Gender Euphoria. So if you feel some relief from doing Gender affirming things like shaving your chest, I'm confident you have had Dysphoria! Shave that beard off if you want, if you don't like it, you can grow it back!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Mirrabooka]

6 hours ago, LateToEden said:

First, what if I hate my face as much as I remember hating it before I grew the beard? And second, what do I say to the inevitable questions of "why did you do that?"

Hi there, welcome aboard!

 

Don't dismiss how good you could look without your beard. Remember, the most beautiful people on the planet are women, and they don't have them. There are other things that you can do to make your face look pretty. Grow your hair and style it in a feminine manner, maybe to the point where you can frame your face with it. If you wear glasses, whether for reading or driving or even just sunglasses, get a feminine style that matches the shape of your face. Down the track you might consider a light amount of makeup or some lip gloss (I'm not even there yet). 

 

The best way to answer the inevitable questions is to be honest. I prefer it that way, it feels natural to me, it makes me feel good, I love it and I should have done it years ago, etc. before quickly replying back "So, who says you make the rules for me?" or similar.

[Mirrabooka]

7 hours ago, LateToEden said:

I shaved my chest.

That's actually something that I haven't done. I respect the wishes of my wife, who despite being very accepting of the affirming things that I do, needs me to retain my chest hair to remind her that I am indeed her husband or at least a semblance of the one she once knew. Also, I'm not dysphoric enough IYKWIM to need to shave it off, even though I know me and my moobs (they are proper A cup/small B cup and I used to have a hard time accepting them but now I love them) would look better. So, I don't. 

 

What I have done this year though is shave my underarms regularly and keep my eyebrows short. Also, I let my fingernails grow longer and I file them in a rounded shape.

 

These things and my shoulder length hair and still growing, and the clothing that I choose to wear, make me feel euphoric enough to not want to progress down the path to transition much further. 

 

I totally understand the feeling of euphoria and I am lucky not to suffer from dysphoria. The way I compartmentalize it is to understand that both of these conditions rely on a neutral reference point. For example, dysphoria goes from 0% to 50%, whereas euphoria goes from 50% to 100%. A dysphoric person transitions just to get to 50%, and if they feel anything more than that, it's a bonus. Someone like me who feels like their everyday life is at 50% complying with expected gender norms feels euphoric by comparison when doing any of the 'affirming' things. 

[Heather Shay]

The other fine people here have given such good feedback and I agree with their comments.

[Birdie]

On another forum I shared a thread called 'why I shaved my beard'. 

I was just rediscovering myself about that time, and I felt the need to come out of a bearded face and bib overalls. 

 

My excuse was of course that being large breasted meant 'beards and breasts' don't look good together. It's an attention grabber seeing a bearded man with boobs. 

 

But there was so much more to it that I didn't write down. It's not WHO I am! 

Acceptance means acceptance of yourself for who you are, and then taking steps to make that person come out. 

[KathyLauren]

10 hours ago, LateToEden said:

And second, what do I say to the inevitable questions of "why did you do that?"

 

I wore a beard for thirty years.  I recall back when I first grew it thinking, "I shouldn't have to shave."  I should have delved deeper into that thought and the why behind it.  Because now I know the why.

 

No one that I knew, not even my wife, had ever seen me without it.  But getting rid of it was one of the first things I did after coming out to my wife.  I came out to her in the morning, had a talk with my neighbour, an LGBTQ+ counselor, in the afternoon, and then shaved the beard off the next morning.  I knew that I needed to see myself as Kathy, and I couldn't do that with a beard.

 

My timing worked well.  It was early summer.  So, for anyone who asked (and remarkably few people did), I just told them that the beard was too hot for the summertime.  It was another six months before I came out to the world, by which time everyone had forgotten about the beard.

[emeraldmountain2]

If you shave your beard, it will grow back.

 

People shave off their beards all the time.

 

Regarding your friends, people are allowed to change their style. Perhaps your friends will even respect you for changing a look you said you felt so strongly about.

 

Also, you don't need to go all out with experimention. You can take small steps and see how you feel as you go along.

[emeraldmountain2]

Just to clarify, when I wrote that your beard will grow back, I meant that if you decide to go back to a beard, then you have that option. It's not like you'll have permanent hair removal, so you will have space to figure out what you like without needing to worry about permanent changes.

[emeraldmountain2]

11 hours ago, LateToEden said:

And second, what do I say to the inevitable questions of "why did you do that?"

You don't owe anyone an explanation, but if you feel the need, you could just say, for example:

 

1) You wanted to try something new (which is true).

2) You were curious to find out what you'd look like under all that hair (which is true).

3) Your opinion about how you look with a beard has changed.

 

Lastly, when I shaved off my glorious beard, it felt weird to look at my face, but that's just because I wasn't used to seeing my face that way. I felt ugly at first, but over time I got used to it and came to appreciate my face without a beard.

 

In fact, not to toot my own horn, but I liked how handsome I was with and without the beard. In truth, I felt ugly for most of my life before coming to appreciate how attractive I was as a male. Ahhh dysphoria and low self esteem, how ye blur our perceptions.

 

However, it is only recently after taking HRT for some time, getting laser hair removal of my beard, wearing makeup, styling my brows, etc, that I've realized how much joy I feel when looking at myself in the mirror now, which was absent as a male. Yes, there are still things about my face and hair loss that make me dysphoric, but I never, ever, ever, ever felt joy when looking at my face until recently.

 

I hope you're able to find your joy! Take it from someone who was a miserable person for years, you can find your joy, whoever you decide who you are and however you'd like to live in this world.

 

[Ashley0616]

Maybe don't shave it all off. Maybe go down to a goatee? You'll still have facial hair but you will be able to see yourself mostly without facial hair. For me it was nice not having hair on my head so I could feel the cool breeze but now I regret that I didn't grow it out sooner because I could've had longer hair by now and it takes forever for it to grow.