Do you ever really "know?"

[August H.]

Hello. I'm rather new here, and on the younger side (<30s) of things - but if anyone is willing to share, when were you "sure" that you were transgender? Were you ever really "sure"? Or, I suppose the better question might be: When did you know it was time to start HRT?

 

I have this issue of not really knowing myself. I'm in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and I'm mentally more well than I have been over the past few years - but there's always been this lingering itch in the back of my mind, about being a transgender man. In online spaces, I often go by male names, or use male avatars, or play male characters in video games - the list goes on. In real life, I dress fairly masculine. I wore a sweatshirt for nearly a decade straight, because I felt uncomfortable with eyes on me (mind you, I'm a fairly confident individual). I've been trying to cut my hair short. I read up on medical treatments and queer stories and not too long ago, I was struck by the very soft thought that "I want to love men the way men do." A bit overly romantic and ridiculous, sure, but the point's there.

 

For years, I've been feeling this vague repulsion towards femininity. I despise being called "young lady" or "ma'am," and I have some kind of discomfort with my body... but even with therapy and whatnot, I can't quite nail down what it is. Do I want to be a man, or do I simply hate the way society treats women? I've been having these kinds of thoughts for years now, but unfortunately I'm still (very) reliant on my family. The only "next step" I can see, to lock things into place for myself, would be to start hormones ... but I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'm wrong. I'm afraid of change. 

 

I'd like a masculine body, genuinely, and I think I already know the answers to my question - but still, I always qualify my statements with "I think" or "I guess" or "maybe." I tried speaking with my family, but I was too nervous and reticent, and no one's taken me seriously. I will admit, I struggle to feel happy most days. I'm not a very exuberant person, so I don't know if I've ever experienced gender euphoria, but I know for a fact the thought of being in a prom dress, or in makeup, or "woman's jewelry" as a Christmas gift ... that makes my skin crawl.

 

So, in your journeys -- were you ever sure, before trying things out? Is there even really a definition of "being sure," or am I falling victim to that old fallacy of believing that anyone needs to be certain at all?

 

Thank you,

 

A.

[Charleigh Dakota]

1 hour ago, August H. said:

Hello. I'm rather new here, and on the younger side (<30s) of things - but if anyone is willing to share, when were you "sure" that you were transgender? Were you ever really "sure"? Or, I suppose the better question might be: When did you know it was time to start HRT?

 

I have this issue of not really knowing myself. I'm in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and I'm mentally more well than I have been over the past few years - but there's always been this lingering itch in the back of my mind, about being a transgender man. In online spaces, I often go by male names, or use male avatars, or play male characters in video games - the list goes on. In real life, I dress fairly masculine. I wore a sweatshirt for nearly a decade straight, because I felt uncomfortable with eyes on me (mind you, I'm a fairly confident individual). I've been trying to cut my hair short. I read up on medical treatments and queer stories and not too long ago, I was struck by the very soft thought that "I want to love men the way men do." A bit overly romantic and ridiculous, sure, but the point's there.

 

For years, I've been feeling this vague repulsion towards femininity. I despise being called "young lady" or "ma'am," and I have some kind of discomfort with my body... but even with therapy and whatnot, I can't quite nail down what it is. Do I want to be a man, or do I simply hate the way society treats women? I've been having these kinds of thoughts for years now, but unfortunately I'm still (very) reliant on my family. The only "next step" I can see, to lock things into place for myself, would be to start hormones ... but I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'm wrong. I'm afraid of change. 

 

I'd like a masculine body, genuinely, and I think I already know the answers to my question - but still, I always qualify my statements with "I think" or "I guess" or "maybe." I tried speaking with my family, but I was too nervous and reticent, and no one's taken me seriously. I will admit, I struggle to feel happy most days. I'm not a very exuberant person, so I don't know if I've ever experienced gender euphoria, but I know for a fact the thought of being in a prom dress, or in makeup, or "woman's jewelry" as a Christmas gift ... that makes my skin crawl.

 

So, in your journeys -- were you ever sure, before trying things out? Is there even really a definition of "being sure," or am I falling victim to that old fallacy of believing that anyone needs to be certain at all?

 

Thank you,

 

A.

Hi August, welcome to the forums. I understand your uncertainty, as for nearly 48 years I was unsure why I felt the things I felt and liked the things I like...but after much deep soul searching and seeing my reflection in the mirror when I presented at home, each time it became more and more obvious to me. The kicker for me was when I began living full time as a female, I was so happy...I danced in my socks and sang (poor dogs) and I felt so much happier...but then...when it was time to go to work, I had to "change" back in to a man...and I was miserable. All I could think about all day was hurrying home so I could get out of those "man" clothes and be the pretty girl I was so happy as at home. Then, just within about 2 weeks of that game...I finally said "screw it" , contacted my Human Resources department and told them I am Transgender and inquired on the process to present at work also. Within a few weeks, I began living AND working as a female...Yes, there is a lot of stress and anxiety for me because of the nature of my profession being a "real man's job" and that it is sickeningly overflowing with testosterone from my pipe wrench toting coworkers, but I didnt care...I was happy and its not my fault that a girl working a "guys" job threatens their "Manhood", masculinity or even breaks the "man code".... but I found help with some anti-anxiety meds (For now)..until the "new" me because the "normal" me at work. Best advice I can give is explore your feelings, dress up according to your desired gender, "practice" living as whichever gender makes you feel the happiest and feels most "right" or "natural" to you and then just follow your arrow wherever it may go.

[AllieJ]

Welcome August, and what a question to start with! Unfortunately, there isn't a concise answer. There isn't really even a real description of who we are! Transgender is used as an umbrella term, but it simply doesn't fit the people it covers. It infers we are transiting genders, but science tells us that our gender is hard wired into us from birth, so we can't really change it! The official bodies have side stepped the term Transgender by adopting terms like Gender Incongruent, and in recent years are acknowledging  that it is a medical condition, not a psychiatric condition. But the Psych community is holding on to control by maintaining that Gender Dysphoria is a mental disorder, though the science is also indicating it is a medical condition.

 

So with all this lack of certainty among the 'experts' is it any wonder we are left guessing, and unfortunately, so is the general public. This is the basis of all the discrimination and oppression of 'Trans' people (I think a better term id Gender Diverse people!). So, how does this help you?

 

I have been aware of my Gender Diversity all my life, and for more than 65 years, I have been trying to work things out, so here is my take on all of this! We are born with our gender identity hard wired into us, but many do not realise this until later in life. We just believe what we are told, but as we live life affirming our birth sex (which is different to gender), we get uncomfortable signals. Many of us don't recognise these and just put it down to life's frustrations, but they keep happening, and a level of frustration builds in us. At some time we will recognise this frustration, but not know what it means until we have a thought or action which affirms our gender identity, and somewhat relieves our frustrations. From here we start to realise that living as our birth sex causes us a building frustration, and this is dysphoria.

 

It may not significantly affect our lives, but in some people at some time in their lives, it can become overwhelming. I know from personal experience that this can destroy your health. So for some people, it will just be a background annoyance, for others, something they can manage by reducing the pressure from time to time with affirming actions like dressing. But for some, it significantly affects their lives, and these people must do something about it or face health problems. Psychiatry cannot fix this, and the only recognised 'cure' is transition, but the costs in terms of social, professional, and economic effects are significant so it isn't something to attempt without careful consideration.

 

So my advice is to determine that there is gender incongruence by doing something incongruent to your birth sex, and if it brings some relief, or a sense of peace, it indicates incongruence or the presence of dysphoria. If dysphoria is significantly affecting your life in any way, it is time to do something about it, and this may take the form of actively doing affirming things, to undergoing transition medically and or socially. The exact path depends on your situation, but health and survival are your goals.   A lot of this is interpretive, so try be as objective as you can. Science has developed a potential medical diagnosis by looking at a sexually dimorphic part of our brains, but there is not yet agreement on theism so it will not be available in the foreseeable future, but maybe one day it will be simple.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Audrey]

Dear August, welcome! You are in safe and supportive company here while you explore these critical questions about yourself and your identity. The question about when did I know is an interesting one, and pretty common when I was coming out a few years ago. Looking back I can say that this was a sign [of being transgender], or that was a sign, and I should have "known." In hindsight, I am not sure I would have had the language or the insight in my younger years to be sure. That said, I can reflect back on the day in early 1998 I discovered that "transgender" was a real thing by finding a website talking about it. I started to see things in and about myself that confirmed it intuitively - but I did not act on this intuition until 2020 when the pandemic lockdowns made it strangely safer to start expressing myself authentically. Even then, I was not sure because I had doubts about being accepted, respected, and so on. As I kept moving forward, the doubts faded away. Now, l would say I have no regrets!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Pip]

2 hours ago, August H. said:

So, in your journeys -- were you ever sure, before trying things out?

NOPE, I was not sure. I had to actually try living as my true self to see how comfortable I was. This was some 25 years ago...... I had been suicidal at the time, and figured that transitioning was a giant experiment to see if it was even possible for me to live as me. As soon as I began the journey of social transition, and HRT, I found that I felt great. The people around me were certainly behaving pretty strange, but that was their issue. Some of the people in my life have stayed, a lot of people that I had thought were friends proved that they were not friends with me, they had been friends with the person I had been trying to be.

So many years later, I am very happy with the person I have developed into. I have never had any regrets about how I dealt with the dysphoria I used to live with. Transition has been a life saving change for me.

 

[Charleigh Dakota]

I also suggest writing out a Like/Dislike list of each Gender you identify or possibly identify as...and see which is more favorable and heartwarming to you. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'm in my early 30's, and just started figuring things out last year.  Do I REALLY KNOW???  Well, not so much.  I know what I feel, but that changes at times.  And I know what a good doctor told me in summer 2022 about my surprisingly intersex body. 

 

I'm not doing HRT.  Not doing surgeries either.  For multiple reasons (medical, religious, and practical), those choices aren't right for me.  I'm using a testosterone cream for a localized anatomical effect, and I've changed how I dress and I've continued to shorten my hairstyle a bit.  Due to my weird hormones and anatomy, I never grew feminine curves or breasts... so there's less female stuff to undo in order to start looking male. 

 

I'll never really be "masculine" in the way my husband is.  My tiny physical size alone would preclude that, and that would be unchangeable even with HRT or surgeries.  But I'm comfortably androgynous.  The big relief has been removing the social obligations of femininity.  I haven't worn shirts in hot weather for years, and I never liked skirts or dresses.  I finally gave the remaining bits of feminine apparel to my female partners - and had a major argument with my GF about undergarments.  I don't get "ma'am" or "miss" very much now except when I'm with friends/family who are all female.   I'm frequently identified when I'm with partners as a "son" or "little brother" or even "boyfriend" and that works for me.  Will I feel differently later on?  IDK.  I do life just a bit at a time. 

[Birdie]

I was definitely born intersex AMAB, the extent of which was not known until an ultrasound about 2 years ago.

 

Mum abandoned me when I was 7, so grandma took over my upbringings. She raised me as a little girl complete with long hair, sewing, knitting, cooking/baking, and making wedding dresses. I was pretty much female 100% of the time. 

Puberty brought wide hips and breasts, a welcomed surprise. I remember feeling the breast buds while looking in the mirror wondering how big they would get. 

 

About 17 my father decided to take over my upbringings. The piano was sold, ballet was cancelled, and I was signed up for just about every sport available. A quick visit to a sports doctor found I really didn't have much in the way of testosterone, so HRT was started. That lowered my voice some and gave me whiskers (I hated it). I did two years of testosterone until I moved out. 

 

Boy-mode was literally beat into me by my stepmother. That boy-mode lasted about 45 years. I hid my curves under baggy shirts, bib overalls, layers, vests, etc... while trying to pretend to be male. I failed miserably in boy-mode, and really fooled no one. 

 

When did I realise who I was? Well I knew in my early teens, and I rediscovered myself in another forum about gynecomastia (male breast growth). The acceptance side of the forum opened me up to realise that I'm not 'deformed' or a freak of nature. That what and who I am is not dependent on my birth certificate or ID. 

 

I don't feel I'm transgender right now. I think I was transgender in boy-mode. Now I'm just being true to myself and my body. 

I'm not a very feminine woman, although I have some dresses and sexy clothes. 

I dress fairly androgynous most of the time but with my growing hair curled and styled. 

Light makeup is almost daily, but I'm still a bit of a tomboy (goes with being intersex). 

 

I won't do surgery, HRT, or any other medical intervention. I'll just accept who I am just as I am. 💞

[Mirrabooka]

I'm another one who doesn't really know, and I suspect that I never will. I've always looked for a trigger to push me over the edge but deep down I know that if I actually found one, I'd still look for some excuse to keep kicking the can down the road, so to speak. I'm both lucky and unlucky not to suffer from dysphoria, whether it is actually there or not.

 

 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

deep down I know that if I actually found one, I'd still look for some excuse to keep kicking the can down the road

 

This is a good insight. 

 

I managed to keep the knowledge of who I was buried, even from myself, for decades.  My excuses for kicking the can down the road were that I couldn't possibly be one of "them" (could I?), that it would be weird, that doing anything about it would be too disruptive, that people would hate me.  In other words, fear.  I told myself, "Nope, nope, no, no, couldn't be!"

 

I started to become aware that I was kicking that can after I heard a trans scientist deliver a public talk on her research and realized that it wasn't weird at all.  And when I thought about what I was doing, I realized that I didn't want to be in a nursing home as an old man, never knowing who I really was.  I wanted the last 1/3 or 1/4 of my life, whatever I had left, to be better.

[Sally Stone]

August, first of all welcome!  Being here, communicating with all these great people will be a source of strength for you as you discover who you are.

 

I believe that gender is truly a spectrum and the one thing that seems apparent to me is that each one of us finds our comfort zone at a different place on the spectrum.  This is important because it reminds us that our personal gender "happy place" is truly our own and we shouldn't try to gauge our gender identity by comparing ourselves to others.  No doubt when you find your own happy place, it will be different from the rest of us.  Diversity is a defining characteristic for the transgender community the same way diversity is for the human race.  Take the time to discover where on the trans spectrum you are the happiest and most content; I think then you'll have a much better idea, who you are. 

[MaeBe]

I guess I just crossed this precipice. It doesn't mean I can't go back on my decision, but I just had an appointment with my doctor and I have requested and received a prescription for hormone therapy. I have been changing, physically and mentally, for the past 18 months for unknown reasons. This opened the door on doing things I never would have just a few years ago, leg/chest/arm shaving, wearing a bra for my gynecomastia (something I always had, but I increased nearly a cup size without weight gain), buying womens clothing, wearing mascara, painting my nails, etc. I didn't do all of them at once, it was one step in front of the other and each was a reward that felt right. I bought leggings "for home" and now I do my shopping in them. I worried about straps showing and now I'm wearing tight tops out. Each of these things felt comfortable, so I added another, and another, and another.

 

In the middle I had to countenance with this and sought counseling. There were so many questions and so few answers, so I put in the work. I think one of the most interesting signs for me was when my counselor said, "go girl" or something like that and this beautiful tingly sensation lit up in the middle of my brain. That was a while back and there have been progressive steps since then. It just seemed right to schedule the appointment. I had nearly a month to continue to think things through before even talking to my doctor, so when the time came I had gone through the back and forth internal struggle of "is this right for me", "am I really x/y/z", etc. In the end I saw all of the ways that being more feminine made me light up, how much I wanted my body and mind to continue to be more feminine, and how ambivalent I was about existing as a man that I decided to go for it.

 

So, with all that rambling out of the way... Welcome August! I hope you find it pleasant here.

[August H.]

9 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

I'd still look for some excuse to keep kicking the can down the road, so to speak. I'm both lucky and unlucky not to suffer from dysphoria, whether it is actually there or not.

 

Ha, it's kind of a terrible position to be in, isn't it? It's hard to be really firm in your identity, when identity itself can be... fluid and transitory, even at the best of times. Personally, the uncertainty is terrifying. I like having a solid understanding of myself, but, well, that's out the window now.

 

I'm glad that so many people have chipped in about their experiences - but here's to us, too, the ones wondering or hoping or just getting by. One way or another, in time, we'll get through it! This is pretty cheesy, actually, but all this to say - yea, I see you. We're out here. We're trying.

[Ivy]

Welcome August

[Astrid]

On 12/21/2023 at 5:17 PM, August H. said:

Were you ever really "sure"? Or, I suppose the better question might be: When did you know it was time to start HRT?

 

I was sure about starting HRT when I realized that it was the best, and proven way to address my dysphoria (which was increasing over time; I was frightened more that I was increasingly acting angry to those closest to me -- and they not aware of what was eating at me -- than I was frightened that if I came out, they could reject me), and indeed HRT was the right choice for me -- dysphoria quickly disappeared once I began and has stayed away.

 

Regarding being "sure":  I can honestly say that with each passing year (it's been 4 years of HRT now), my surety increases.  I am comfortable with being gender non-conforming, I am comfortable with the person I am and the journey that lies ahead.  I'd never, ever want to go back.  20/20 hindsight at work 🙂

 

Kind regards,

 

Astrid

 

[Mirrabooka]

19 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I believe that gender is truly a spectrum and the one thing that seems apparent to me is that each one of us finds our comfort zone at a different place on the spectrum.  This is important because it reminds us that our personal gender "happy place" is truly our own and we shouldn't try to gauge our gender identity by comparing ourselves to others.  No doubt when you find your own happy place, it will be different from the rest of us.  Diversity is a defining characteristic for the transgender community the same way diversity is for the human race.  Take the time to discover where on the trans spectrum you are the happiest and most content; I think then you'll have a much better idea, who you are. 

This.

 

@Sally Stone, your words are perfect. They should be pinned and made compulsory for newbies to read!

 

I have found my comfort zone, and it is different to everyone else here. I will always question how far along the gender spectrum (or rainbow as I put it) I am, but I have no doubt that I am on it. I found my comfort zone through self-acceptance, and I have felt a sense of personal serenity ever since.

[AllieJ]

22 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

This.

 

@Sally Stone, your words are perfect. They should be pinned and made compulsory for newbies to read!

 

I have found my comfort zone, and it is different to everyone else here. I will always question how far along the gender spectrum (or rainbow as I put it) I am, but I have no doubt that I am on it. I found my comfort zone through self-acceptance, and I have felt a sense of personal serenity ever since.

 

Maybe this doesn't suit all of us... Certainly I have not found a 'Happy' place related to gender, and I maybe have a more clinical understanding of Gender Identity. I believe there is more to discover, and this will shift our perceptions of Gender.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Davie]

On 12/21/2023 at 6:50 PM, AllieJ said:

This is the basis of all the discrimination and oppression of 'Trans' people (I think a better term id Gender Diverse people!).

This is such a great welcoming page for a newcomer (or oldtimer) to read. Some great stories here. I also really like the term "Gender Diverse."

We are anybody and any gender—and we roar!
—Davie

[LC]

I am just beginning my journey n this spectrum and have found very profound advice and encouragement in reading particularly these posts. You have helped me in so many ways this morning. Thank you all.

[Charlize]

When i went to therapy and saw how my issues with gender had always returned even after purging and manning up to the best of my ability.  I had often gone out in public as a kind of experiment.  Fears and shame often followed these attempts.  As i explained this journey to my GT i began to realize that it wouldn't go away i saw i had a decision to make.  I chose living full time as a female.  Doubts came and went for years.  I have discovered that i'm happy living as a woman and while i do many "manly things" i can also accept the female the world sees.   If i get a bit dressed up for a special occasion i enjoy the process and my appearance.

Coming to acceptance happened more over time than at a single event.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[MirandaB]

Spent almost my whole life mentally listing all the reasons I wasn't trans, yet everyday was always regretting the gender assigned me too. 

 

Pretty lucky I suppose that when it all finally came crashing down I didn't really have any doubts about what I wanted, I can only remember one momentary thought early on that was basically "WHAT AM I DOING?" which I think was more about doubting my ability to transition, not my need to do it. 

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you so much to everyone here who has shared their experiences, especially those who have confirmed that they also have felt uncertainty.

 

I have struggled with uncertainty regarding my gender issues for many years.

 

As a vulnerable teen, I was told by one psych that I wasn't trans and it was just a fantasy because trans people just know that they are trans from an early age or that when a person realizes they are trans it's like a giant relief and everything mentally clicks into place, whereas I wasn't like that.

 

Another psych told me that because I wasn't champing at the bit to get trans surgeries, then I wasn't trans, as well as other invalidating comments and gestures.

 

As you can imagine, these so-called "experts" really, really messed me up and sowed doubt that lasted many years until I decided to try again. Well, I am a lot happier transitioning and on HRT, but I still have doubts about myself. From what I gather here and from other sources, this is very normal.

[KatieSC]

August,

 

Do not be too hard on yourself. Coming to the realization of being trans is a journey, and self-confrontation is very hard.

 

In my case, I knew at a very young age. When I was a little kid, I had nobody to talk to about this. As I got a little older, I felt so odd. I wondered what could make me "normal" one way or the other. I yearned so badly to be female. As I approached my double digit years, I started wearing a number of my mom's things, and she usually caught me at some point. She never yelled or threatened me. She would ask me why and I would clam up after turning beet red. I struggled between just being a normal boy and very badly wanting to be female. I made few real friends growing up because of not being able to just be myself. When I was smaller and I played with other kids, I wanted to be the female superhero and not the male superhero. By the time I was in high school, I knew I was trans. Back then they called it transsexual. 

 

I was in purgatory all during high school. I was awkward at sports, with the exception of basketball, and my only goal was to graduate into oblivion. My desires only intensified. During several of my summers, I practically dressed as femininely as I could without being obvious. I swiped close to 15 pair of my mom's panties, would wear her panties, bras, shorts, and some of the tops. Things came crashing down at the end of the summer. She found my stash of stuff. I still would not tell her what was going on. She asked me if I wanted her to buy me my own things. She never shared all of this with my dad. I then stopped for a little while.

 

One night after we all went to bed, my mom caught me with a fresh coat of makeup on my face. I would frequently sneak into the bathroom and dabble with her makeup, and then remove it, then go back to bed. One night she stayed up late and caught me. Again, she asked me if I wanted my own. I was too scared to tell her the truth. One time I sat down and practiced writing out my female name, then threw the paper in the trash. My mom found it. 

 

By my senior year, I was a wreck. I had taken as many courses as I could to graduate as fast as I could. I wanted out of high school. At the same time, I started my I will ditch all of these thoughts and be a tough guy. I had to prove I could be a man. I got belligerent, sullen, and kept searching for anything that would make me a normal guy. Well, after languishing for a while, a stint in the Army, and then finding a career, dating women, getting married, the thoughts and desires to be female would never abate. I also struggled with the fact that I never thought that even if I could transition, that I could be presentable as a woman. I was damned determined not to be Fred Flintstone in a dress.

 

Then I just buried myself into work, turned inward, became isolated, angry, and just existed. I was good at my job, but when I went home, I would plow through a six-pack, and veg out hoping to just have a few decent dreams. On occasion I would wear panties, or nightwear, but I still felt hopeless. I figured I would never attain my dream of being female unless reincarnation actually worked. I will admit that there were many times over the past 30 years where I thought about pulling the trigger, but I just could not do it. 

 

I buried all of my feelings until about 3 years ago when I made the decision that I could not keep being isolated, desperate, angry, and dejected. My feelings of so desperately wanting to be female were intensifying. I sat down one night and started to revisit what the latest was in terms of transgender care. I discovered the abundance of hormone regimens, success with facial feminization, voice feminization, and body contouring. I started planning, dieting, and improving my health. I set foot on a 2 1/2 year plan.

 

As part of my plan, I looked for a counselor. That process took me close to six months. Not all counselors are qualified, and in some states the resources are few. I found a great one. We talked a lot. I started going back through my entire life, writing a journal of every instance I could ever recall. My counselor would ask me how I envisioned my life changing if I transitioned. She wanted to ensure that I did not have unrealistic expectations. 

 

I did not come out to the world until I was absolutely sure. I had some long talks with my closest friends, my supervisor at work (she was very supportive), and a few key others. I started gender affirming hormone therapy, and then set about a timeline for facial surgery, voice surgery, dieting, contouring, electrolysis, and vaginoplasty. I started wearing female attire all of the time. At first, nobody noticed much. I started to soften from the hormones. My weight plummeted. Once I had my facial surgery, I then made the decision to go 24/7. I also legally changed my name to Katharine (Katie). 

 

All of us have different journeys. While no two journeys are the same, there are too many similarities to discount who and what we are as deviants that are just making a conscious choice. There is something greater that is occurring. As for me, the struggle to be female, or just be a normal guy, was intense. I never thought I could transition. The other factor is that 30-40 years ago the techniques of transition were not as well known. Insurance did not cover transgender care. Nonetheless, I wish I had transitioned many years ago. As an aside, once I had completed journaling all of the instances that I could recall in my life where I was engaging in active attempts to express myself as female, and I looked at all of the interactions with my mom and dad, it was clear. There was absolutely no doubt. 

 

Interestingly, I never had the conversation with my mom until she was close to death about 10 years ago. One night I visited her and I was going to tell her. With tears in my eyes, I told her about feeling a heavy internal struggle, and how I wish I was different. I still could not just come right out and say it. She looked at me, took my hand, and said, "I know more than you think I do."

 

I was amazed at the time. I just sat there blubbering. She told me things would be okay. She had known since I was little. She just did not know how to get me to open up. Then things just made sense. 

 

In time, more and more things may just make for you as well August. The mere fact that you can come into a forum like this and communicate with others that have struggled with many of the same issues, should help to allay your fears. Make no mistake, coming out and transitioning, is not easy. Hang in there, and do not forget to love yourself for who you are.

 

-

Katie

 

 

[Timi]

@KatieSC, thank you so much for sharing. I'm weeping from reading your story. 

 

-Timi

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Timi said:

I'm weeping from reading your story. 

Same