Do you ever really "know?"

[Susan R]

9 hours ago, KatieSC said:

Interestingly, I never had the conversation with my mom until she was close to death about 10 years ago. One night I visited her and I was going to tell her. With tears in my eyes, I told her about feeling a heavy internal struggle, and how I wish I was different. I still could not just come right out and say it. She looked at me, took my hand, and said, "I know more than you think I do."

Like the others here, your story (and especially this paragraph above) brought me to tears. It hit me so hard and brought up so many emotions for me. I’m so glad you shared this heartfelt memory with us. God bless your mom! She loved you unconditionally. That is so rare in this life.

 

On 12/21/2023 at 2:17 PM, August H. said:

So, in your journeys -- were you ever sure, before trying things out? Is there even really a definition of "being sure," or am I falling victim to that old fallacy of believing that anyone needs to be certain at all?

I was sure something was different as early aa age four. Mom had caught me several times wearing my sister’s clothing. I was restricted until age 11 when I started crossdressing at home secretly. From that age forward, things started to become very clear about my femininity despite all the contradictory messages from everyone around me. With no support to flourish, it wasn’t until I moved far enough away from family at age 23 that was THE moment I knew what direction I needed to go. I lived as a woman in role and presentation as often as possible with the exception at work and local errands. I was who I am today. I surrounded myself with others I had met in my TS/TV support group. My social life had done a 180° within a few months and I knew then I needed to go full time.

 

Unfortunately, in mid 1980’s, it was too costly for me to afford psychiatric therapy, hormones, and surgery at that point in my life. So after ten years of living as Susan, the idea of medically transitioning languished. I remember thinking, “If I couldn’t transition, what’s the point?” So I went another direction.

 

I met my wife online and for the next 20 married years I never disclosed anything to my wife. The issue was officially buried under anger and depression during those years.

 

A series of triggers caused me to completely rethink my life in 2017. The big one was that I saw my own mortality at age 55 when my younger brother passed and suddenly my whole life’s perspective changed. The clock was ticking faster and I knew change was needed and coming.

 

Like yourself August, I started looking into the possibilities after all those years and learned how others my age had transitioned successfully. I joined this forum and became friends with others who shared their experiences and ideas. I felt for the first time in my life, transition is possible. I gained hope and reassurance after starting therapy and attending local trans support groups. Eventually, it became reality. That was five years ago and I wouldn’t change a thing. There was some awkwardness in the beginning of my transition but that is expected with any change of this magnitude. In time, that too fades as you blossom into who you've always been on the inside.

 

@August H. Wishing you a wonderful journey no matter what path you take.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[KatieSC]

Susan,

 

I can empathize so much. When I tried to bury my feelings in the early 1980s, I tried to have normal relationships with women thinking that if just met the right woman...

 

You deserve many hugs for getting through all that you have been through as well. It was so hard in the 1980s unless you were incredibly wealthy. Insurance treated the idea of transsexualism as cosmetic back then. Not that some of the current insurance companies still play games. I often wonder how much we lost out on in life because so much of our mental bandwidth went to these struggles. I often wonder what I could have accomplished just living life without one doubt about who and what I was.

 

Yes, my Mom was so supportive. All I would have done is opened myself up, but I kept it all buried thinking she would never find out. It was funny in a way. There were a few times she would give me a gift for my birthday, and I thought I was just getting a soft sweater. One day I put on of these on, and one of the girls I was in school with asked me why I was wearing a female top. Yeah, my mom at work. I loved that sweater, but never put two and two together as well as she did. Gosh, how I miss her.

[AllieJ]

I "knew" from my first awareness of sexes, and though I couldn't put names to anything, I knew it was part of me that I could not escape. I first told my mother at 4 years old I should be a girl. then again at 7 years old after she knew I was playing with her things. She knew the danger for me in my neighbourhood during the '60's, and swore me to secrecy, so we never spoke of it again. During my teens she taught me to cook, clean, and sew under the guise that she needed help, and when she passed a couple of days before the turn of the century, she left me her jewelry and cook books, with little notes to me inside.

 

I had come out to my best friend a couple of weeks before, and she agreed to help me be me at times, and I was planning to tell my Mother this, but she passed before I could. I know she loved her four sons, but would have loved a daughter. I stayed closeted for another 20 years before I came out to my family and lamented I never got the chance to talk about it with my Mum, and my brother told me her had talked about me being trans many times with my mother. It seems like a cruel joke that I held back talking to my mother all my adult life while she was discussing it with my brother. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[emeraldmountain2]

10 hours ago, KatieSC said:

I often wonder how much we lost out on in life because so much of our mental bandwidth went to these struggles. I often wonder what I could have accomplished just living life without one doubt about who and what I was.

I have had the exact same questions for myself.

 

I wish I were one of those high functioning trans people who found a successful career. To be honest, I am sometimes jealous of them. I know they've had their own struggles, but at least they found some corners of success. 

 

In my case, gender dysphoria and other problems dragged me down into a life of underachievement and underemployment. I try to be grateful for what I have, including a job and a home (I know a lot of our trans siblings have neither), but it is hard for me to grapple with what could have been, especially since I was a high achiever in my youth before everything came crashing down.

[MirandaB]

Also same, @KatieSC.  I love stories of people seeing what we struggled with before we allowed ourselves to open up about it. 

[Charleigh Dakota]

2 hours ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

I wish I were one of those high functioning trans people who found a successful career. To be honest, I am sometimes jealous of them. I know they've had their own struggles, but at least they found some corners of success. 

"True success is measured by who you become, not what you become" 

[emeraldmountain2]

@Charlie DakotaThank you for reminding me of this important mindset.

[August H.]

@KatieSC I want to say, thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

It's difficult for me to think of my future, when I'm relatively young and so bogged down in my own unsurety --  but it's a wonderful thing, too, to hear stories from people who have "made it," for lack of a better term. I hope your life can be as beautiful as you want it to be!

[KatieSC]

Well August, I try. The only thing I can tell you is that time is valuable. If I had it to do all over again, I would have made every effort to have just opened up to my Mom and Dad, and transitioned when I was much younger. I let a lot of my anxieties get in the way, and I wasted a large portion of my life denying myself from being my truest self. You never get time back on the clock, and no matter what you do, the clock is ticking. It is funny. When we are little kids, it seems like everything takes forever. We have no concept that if we were 10 years old and we knew we were only going to live until 80 years old, we had already exhausted 1/8th of our existence. For some, it could even be 1/6th of their life. There are no guarantees in life other than the end comes for all of us.

 

Spend your time wisely. Think things through! Good luck with everything!

[Davie]

8 hours ago, KatieSC said:

Well August, I try. The only thing I can tell you is that time is valuable. If I had it to do all over again, I would have made every effort to have just opened up to my Mom and Dad, and transitioned when I was much younger. I let a lot of my anxieties get in the way, and I wasted a large portion of my life denying myself from being my truest self. You never get time back on the clock, and no matter what you do, the clock is ticking. It is funny. When we are little kids, it seems like everything takes forever. We have no concept that if we were 10 years old and we knew we were only going to live until 80 years old, we had already exhausted 1/8th of our existence. For some, it could even be 1/6th of their life. There are no guarantees in life other than the end comes for all of us.

 

Spend your time wisely. Think things through! Good luck with everything!

Thanks to everyone on this thread for the perspectives on time and honesty. Those are priceless and comforting. Even now when coming to the end, it's never too late to change, to accept it, and to take pride and joy in who I am now. Love, Davie