Doubt About Transition, But Finding Confirmation

[emeraldmountain2]

This is just food for thought that I'm putting out there and wondering what other people might think.

 

I have struggled with uncertainty and doubt for many years about whether transitioning is for me. Even though I'm medically and socially transitioning now, I still struggle with uncertainty and doubt, but nowhere near to the extent I experienced pre-transition.

 

However, I love the physical, mental, and social changes I've been experiencing during my transition, which started this year. I am still fearful of navigating the world as a visibly trans person, which can cause further doubt and uncertainty. I love the changes my body is going through on feminizing HRT. I am fairly certain that most cisgender men, perhaps all cisgender men, would not be okay at all with the totality of physical changes I hold so dear and enjoy. This is pretty solid confirmation that I'm taking the right steps.

[Louise B]

It all comes down to what feels right for YOU.  It sounds like you are happy with your direction.  Perhaps stay the course, and see if your perspective affirms or changes along the way.

 

You are, of course, on an irreversible course as to some of these changes.  But as a transwoman, you might not mind the changes even if you should later abandon the transition.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you @Louise B for your thoughts. You are correct; this is all about what feels right for us and I agree that it is important to keep an open mind to different possibilities along this journey.

 

As for the irreversible changes from HRT, I am okay with them if I decide to take a different path (except infertility, but I already banked), I just fear peoples' response to a fit male-appearing person with breasts (I should only hope to be fit one day LOL).

[LC]

I agree with @LouisB. This is something only you can decide. I am very new to both this forum and to transition, but after reading posts I have learned each one of us has asked the questions you are asking. Looking inside of yourself and questioning is a good thing. Being new I don’t have the background to draw on, but for me, this feels like a good way. I am questioning myself all the time. Politically this is a very hard time to be Transgender, but you know next week they will find something else to chase after. 
 

I hope that makes sense, and whatever your decision is, I hope you find the joy and happiness you so richly deserve.

[KatieSC]

On 12/21/2023 at 3:25 PM, emeraldmountain2 said:

However, I love the physical, mental, and social changes I've been experiencing during my transition, which started this year. I am still fearful of navigating the world as a visibly trans person, which can cause further doubt and uncertainty. I love the changes my body is going through on feminizing HRT. I am fairly certain that most cisgender men, perhaps all cisgender men, would not be okay at all with the totality of physical changes I hold so dear and enjoy. This is pretty solid confirmation that I'm taking the right steps.

Well Emerald,

 

There were a few times where I asked myself if my MTF journey was the answer. My counselor wanted me to reflect on how I saw transition changing my life. As part of the questioning, I spent a few weeks developing a journal to review my feelings dating back to when I was a little child playing with the little girl next door. I wanted to be the mommy and take care of the baby. I dreamed of being in dresses. I yearned to be like my mom. I also had to survive as a male as I had no understanding. As time went on, I chronicled every instance where I expressed myself, and how many times my mom caught me. I never admitted the truth to my folks, but my mom later told me she knew a short while before she passed.

 

I agree that most cisgender males would not be caught dead enjoying the sensations of the changes we go through. I love my silky smooth skin, my soft calves, thighs, and feet. I had my vaginoplasty earlier this year, and after the packing was removed, and the catheter came out, I felt normal. My brain felt as though it was prewired. 

 

It is healthy to question yourself as you go along. There is no doubt that we go through a metamorphosis. People will react differently. I have lost a few friends, and I have gained some friends. I have had some family members shun me, while others have embraced me. All I can say is that if you are enjoying the changes, the revel in them. Enjoy evolving as the girl you know you are. My only regret from all of this is that I did not do it when I was a teenager or in my 20s.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you @LC and @KatieSC. It is such a relief to actually chat with and hear from others on this forum who have had similar life experiences. I definitely also feel like my brain was prewired to expect estrogen given how much better I feel with suppressed testosterone and heightened estrogen. I'm pretty sure, but have no evidence, in guessing that cis men would feel absolutely miserable (socially, psychologically, mentally, and physically) with the kind of hormonal profile I now have.

[KatieSC]

Emerald,

 

You are fine. Do not doubt yourself. Exploring to make sure is a natural and healthy thing. If you are enjoying the ride, keep going on the journey!

 

In my estimation, the biggest misconception cisgender folks have about us is that we are just coming up with the idea to try being male or female on a whim. They do not understand that being transgender is something in the fabric of our soul. We are not transitioning as much as we are being emancipated. Nobody is kidnapping children and forcing them to be the opposite gender. Nobody is being brainwashed.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you @KatieSC. I wish all cis people could understand that it's not a whim and that transition is not some trivial matter for us.

[MaeBe]

On 12/28/2023 at 6:24 AM, emeraldmountain2 said:

I just fear peoples' response to a fit male-appearing person with breasts

As a person that lived 44 years of their life as a male and since high school has had breasts (gynecomastia), it's not so bad. It was definitely anxiety-inducing as a young man (yay binary societal pressures!), but most don't notice and at some point most men get them (most are just adipose: fat). Just walk around a beach for a few minutes! The worst was from time in school and the trauma from the nipple twisting and kids laughing at you (all boy's high school, shirts and skins!). That lasted until I started accepting myself, which came about at the same point I started accepting the feminine in me. Funny how that works!

 

As for the anxiety of living a trans life, I am right there with you. Every feminine step forward, every euphoria, has been wonderful but there's so much more to be concerned with. Each fear has quietly been shooed away so far, but there's always another around the corner (mostly in our heads!) that we will come to reconcile using our strength of will and acceptance through the salve of time.

 

I think we're both in similar points in our journey, so feel free to message me if you just want to chat.

 

💜Mae

[emeraldmountain2]

Hi @MaeBe. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties during your school years. True that there are a lot of cis men out there with breasts. I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety, as well. I was extremely anxious before starting my transition. So anxious that I couldn't even wear 1 tiny article of women's clothing or the tiniest accessory, and felt the need to avert my gaze from women's clothing and makeup in the store, lest I give myself away or get accosted. However, as I have progressed through transition, I find my anxieties to have been so over the top and I really enjoy presenting in public now.

 

 

[Mmindy]

On 12/21/2023 at 5:25 PM, emeraldmountain2 said:

I love the physical, mental, and social changes I've been experiencing during my transition, which started this year.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I love the many responses you've received.

 

Best wishes and Happy New Year 2024

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[emeraldmountain2]

@MmindyThank you for your kind words. Best wishes to you and a Happy New Year, as well!

[KayC]

 

On 12/22/2023 at 7:25 AM, emeraldmountain2 said:

I still struggle with uncertainty and doubt

 

Thank you for sharing this.  I too continue to reflect and have similar fears and doubts.  But then, I just ask myself one Question ... would I go back to the way I was?   The answer is always the same.  Nope!

 

I think self-doubt is not a gender specific condition.  It's part of our human condition.  Cis-people carry it around all the time, it's just not directed at their gender.  For me, when I reached the point of Self-Acceptance, then the self-doubt and fear became mostly noise.  And I do my best to just ignore it.

[emeraldmountain2]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you for sharing this.  I too continue to reflect and have similar fears and doubts.  But then, I just ask myself one Question ... would I go back to the way I was?   The answer is always the same.  Nope!

Exactly. It is reassuring to hear so many other gender diverse people express their own uncertainty and doubt, which flies in the face of how the establishment treated trans people for decades (and some still do!): you either are or you are not trans, and if you express any self-doubt then you aren't trans either. Thank goodness so many of us are speaking up and telling the "authorities" that "you are wrong and we are trans."

 

Kind of silly, but I was remembering today what it was like to have hairy arms and hands and literally felt disgust in my stomach. So, yeah, I guess as I move along transition and feel more comfortable it can be easy to forget how uncomfortable I was in a decidedly male body and to now wonder if I'm not trans, but that's a thinking error on my part.

[LC]

Being relatively new I have another question. How do you know when you are done transitioning? Is it when you are happy with yourself, with the way you present? One thing I have picked up is everyone’s journey is different and personal. How do you know when you have crossed the finish line? Or is this a life long process? I am curious about your thoughts on this.

[Astrid]

2 minutes ago, LC said:

One thing I have picked up is everyone’s journey is different and personal.

It's just that -- it's a journey where there are always new milestones to reach for.  I don't consider that there is a "finish line" until I die. In the meantime, there are always adjustments and new interests that keep me engaged. So, yes, it's a lifelong process -- because my gender identity is an important part of my life.  I do (and I think most people) have other interests not directly related to gender and identify, and I am always adjusting things (an image that comes to mind is that of a border collie who never tires of herding sheep). I'll keep on adjusting until the end 🙂

 

Astrid

[emeraldmountain2]

3 hours ago, LC said:

How do you know when you are done transitioning?

Everyone will have their own answer to this question. I am only less than a year into transition, so I would also be interested to hear thoughts from those who have been at this longer.

[Audrey]

@emeraldmountain2 Yes this is a subjective feeling, but I suppose if I were trying to look at it objectively, it might be when the combination of transition steps quiets down the dysphoria to a degree that you can feel good about. I am just over three years from my first steps in transition. There are no social moves or legal actions left for me to take anymore. I am scheduled for vaginoplasty in November 2024. I guess at that point I will be "done" but the self-care I will need to take after will go long into the future, if not my whole life. I am also in a battle against stubborn facial hair that just will not respond to laser or will need many sessions of electrolysis to be free from. What I would note, though, is that several medical options I was sure I would want or need, I no longer want or need. For example, facial feminization, voice surgery, and breast augmentation. The other thing is that the psychological and emotional process of transition is also lifelong and ongoing.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you for your insight @Audrey.

[Rishaya]

The most magical thing I did for myself was an orchiectomy.   That procedure saved me from self harm.  I abused them daily, often roughly.  It also lifted a good deal of my dysphoria.  I would now like the way I look into a swimsuit.

 

i still feel a lot of dysphoria.  I want to fully transition so much but my wife tells me she’d leave.  I haven’t yet reconciled that but I’m close.  Better do it soon ‘cause I’m 72,

 

 

[LC]

I was wondering when you accepted who you really are and how long after that did you start transitioning?

[KayC]

On 12/31/2023 at 5:35 AM, LC said:

How do you know when you are done transitioning?

@LC, I see transitioning as a process/Journey, and not a destination.  So I feel like I will always be 'transitioning' and by that I mean hopefully ... growing.

Just now, LC said:

I was wondering when you accepted who you really are and how long after that did you start transitioning?

Almost exactly 4 years ago. After finding this Forum and that there were so many others like me, then after my 3d therapy session.  I found Self-Acceptance.
I started HRT about a year ago.  I don't know if that's was you mean by 'start' but that's what I consider it.

[emeraldmountain2]

On 2/5/2024 at 8:13 AM, LC said:

I was wondering when you accepted who you really are and how long after that did you start transitioning?

I wasn't sure if I was trans after I started transitioning. I think a lot of people feel that way. Just guessing. I still have my doubts, but at this point, especially after being on HRT for a good while, I don't know how I can deny that I'm trans.

[Ashley0616]

Well there will always be that self-doubt unfortunately and you got to listen to your heart and brain. Sometimes they disagree with each other because they both want to be accepted and appreciated in society. Unfortunately, not everyone will see us in that light. There is always hatred. Heck women won equality rights and still there are sub standards. A lot of people view women as the inferior gender. The old mindset needs to go but it goes back to how they are raised. Hatred is not hereditary. It is taught. 

[Marieh]

On 12/29/2023 at 2:16 PM, KatieSC said:

Emerald,

 

You are fine. Do not doubt yourself. Exploring to make sure is a natural and healthy thing. If you are enjoying the ride, keep going on the journey!

 

In my estimation, the biggest misconception cisgender folks have about us is that we are just coming up with the idea to try being male or female on a whim. They do not understand that being transgender is something in the fabric of our soul. We are not transitioning as much as we are being emancipated. Nobody is kidnapping children and forcing them to be the opposite gender. Nobody is being brainwashed.

That is profound. I would like to think I  could express myself like that Katie, essentially you have stated the reality of what it is to be who we are. It is the  fabric of  our soul. It is emancipation not transition. 

 

You are wise Katie.