Why

[LC]

I am struggling with this question for the last several weeks. Why do I want to become a woman? I have yet to hear an answer. I can’t describe it. It seems to be a feeling of need that I have from somewhere deep down. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I wear women’s panties and bras when I can and I just have a need for more. Am I nuts? I want so much more.

[Keera]

Hi LC If you could magically transform into the cis woman of your dreams you would have exactly what you crave now but would you be happy?I'm not so sure because you wouldn't be able to bring along your current mindset to enjoy it in that way.You would just be another cis woman among all the others in the world with no particular delight in being one.Maybe total transition would bring a measure of relief, In fact I'm sure it would.The joy for us seems to be only in the persuit

Best wishes Keera

[Timi]

1 hour ago, LC said:

I am struggling with this question for the last several weeks. Why do I want to become a woman? I have yet to hear an answer. I can’t describe it. It seems to be a feeling of need that I have from somewhere deep down. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I wear women’s panties and bras when I can and I just have a need for more. Am I nuts? I want so much more.

Dear LC - thank you for asking. I feel and think that there are others here with more experience and wisdom in this than I, so I will defer a response to them except for answering one question.

 

You are *not* nuts.

 

I don't know about the rest of the, um, senior-aged members here, but after 60 years of trying everything I can to not be "nuts" in this way, and still being this way, and with the knowledge that there are a *lot* of people asking the same questions and having the same yearnings, I have decided that although the world would have me believe that I am nuts, I am not.

 

These longings are OK and they are natural.

 

It's everyone else that is nuts! (LOL, OK, that does sounds a little nuts but I stick by it!)

 

-Timi 

[AllieJ]

1 hour ago, LC said:

I am struggling with this question for the last several weeks. Why do I want to become a woman? I have yet to hear an answer. I can’t describe it. It seems to be a feeling of need that I have from somewhere deep down. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I wear women’s panties and bras when I can and I just have a need for more. Am I nuts? I want so much more.

You are not nuts, and you don't 'want' to be a woman! You are simply reacting to a stimulus in your brain which has been there from before birth. You were born with part of your brain, (likely the Bed Nucleus) structured to give you a Gender Identity different to your anatomical sex. This conflict causes uncomfortable signas (dysphoria) to be sent to your conscious brain, and it looks for ways to ease that discomfort. The most effective way to reduce this discomfort is to do affirming things. This can be small things like imagining you are a woman, to dressing, and to actually transitioning your sex to female. 

 

So, you are reacting to stimulus, just like you would if you pulled your hand away from a flame. It's not something you want, but a reaction to reduce dysphoria. This is a normal self defence reaction, so you are definitely not nuts! 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Sally Stone]

LC, it's okay to give in to those feelings even if you don't know why you have them.  Just because you feel feminine, or want to be more womanly, doesn't mean you are weird or unusual.  What you are feeling/desiring is way more common than you might think. 

 

For the longest time I thought that to be happy, I needed to know the root cause of my desire to be feminine.  I'm still not sure I know the root cause, and I probably never will, but giving in to my inner woman has brought me happiness and peace.  I figured it was better to be happy while searching for those difficult answers.      

[emeraldmountain2]

2 hours ago, Timi said:

It's everyone else that is nuts! (LOL, OK, that does sounds a little nuts but I stick by it!)

100%.

[LC]

On 12/24/2023 at 5:47 PM, Timi said:

Dear LC - thank you for asking. I feel and think that there are others here with more experience and wisdom in this than I, so I will defer a response to them except for answering one question.

 

You are *not* nuts.

 

I don't know about the rest of the, um, senior-aged members here, but after 60 years of trying everything I can to not be "nuts" in this way, and still being this way, and with the knowledge that there are a *lot* of people asking the same questions and having the same yearnings, I have decided that although the world would have me believe that I am nuts, I am not.

 

These longings are OK and they are natural.

 

It's everyone else that is nuts! (LOL, OK, that does sounds a little nuts but I stick by it!)

 

-Timi 

Timi, thank you for the affirmation, it really means a lot to me. I feel the need to relate a few things that happened over the holiday week end.

 

First we drove to my sister’s house to spend Christmas with her and her husband and family. We watched “The lion king” and “Lady and the tramp”. I found myself crying my eyes out at the of each movie. That is new to me and I wasn’t sure what was happening.

 

Second, I have not said anything to any of my family yet. I was on the staircase coming down and stopped to look out the window and what did I see out there, but an LGBTQ inclusion flag flying in their yard. I still haven’t said anything, but it is nice to know that there would be support there. Could this be a sign?

 

Lastly, on the way home we stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast and while standing there I was watching the girls there and I found myself wishing I had her hair, or her figure, or her looks. I felt this “wave” flow though me. It was a warm feeling from head to toes. I not sure what that was.

 

I hope you had a great holiday. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[Timi]

Oh @LC! Thank you for sharing. It sounds like such a hopeful Christmas. And I find that there's something so cleansing to my soul in getting wrapped up in a movie and letting my emotions and tears flow!

 

I can look out the window of my niece's house where I'm staying for a while and see across the street an LGBTQ inclusion flag decorating the front door of a neighbor's house. It's comforting for me during my visit where because of circumstances, I have to keep my secret a secret. 

 

And yes yes yes, feeling the wave flow through me as I am inspired by women. I know that visceral feeling well.

 

It sounds like you are attentive to what the universe is offering you, and using both your mind and heart to navigate these difficult paths that we have to travel.  

 

I wish the happiest of New Years to you!

 

-Timi

[Keera]

LC that 'wave' is an 'awakening'........a precious and beautiful awakening.......your destiny.

Love keera.

[LC]

Oh thank you ladies, I thought I was going off the deep end. I can’t tell you how many times I have read your replies since you posted them. They have helped me in so many ways.

[Susan R]

On 12/24/2023 at 2:36 PM, LC said:

I wear women’s panties and bras when I can and I just have a need for more. Am I nuts? I want so much more.

Sometimes we do things that are symptomatic of a needed change. Sometimes it’s not. We have several individuals who crossdress and are fine with doing just that and taking it no further. That being said, the feelings, emotions, and questions it brings up for you are similar to the ones I had pre-transition. You are certainly not alone. The timing of those “waves” you’ve experienced could be a sign (I believe in such things) or perhaps one of those euphoric moments when one sees the possibilities.😃

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Betty K]

Hi @LC, I can relate. But, speaking for myself, I don't think the "why" is important. I don't see people asking why they are cisgender, or heterosexual, or anything generally thought to be "normal". The reality is there is variation in nature. And also, rarity in nature is something humans generally covet and regard as beautiful. Why should gender variance be any different?

 

For me, a few years ago my life as "a man" became unsustainable; I realised I would rather be dead than continue in that vein. About 18 months later, I found the courage to socially transition. I am now so much happier and more fulfilled that the question of "why" has become irrelevant.

 

I hope you too find a truth that is undeniable. My guess is the bras and panties are really just signifiers for something deeper. For me anyhow, by following the urge to dress a certain way I eventually found an inner comfort in being a certain way, regardless of how I'm dressed. It's a work in progress, but I feel myself becoming more naturally myself every day.

[KayC]

On 12/25/2023 at 7:36 AM, LC said:

Why do I want to become a woman?

Hi Dear LC. 

Your Question resonates with me as it was the same thing I asked myself over and over ... until I finally realized the "Why" just no longer really mattered.  What mattered most was Self-Affirmation.

Then the BIG Questions was ... "OK, what am I going to do now ..."  That question is one only You can answer.

The progress part of that Question for me started when I found this Forum and Community, and then entered into Gender Therapy.  If you are not already connected with a therapist I hope you can find that opportunity soon (actually that was Step 1 for me).

But I am confident you are started down the path that many of us here on on, or have traveled.  So, I hope you stay with us ... and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Timi]

11 hours ago, Betty K said:

... I eventually found an inner comfort in being a certain way, regardless of how I'm dressed. It's a work in progress, but I feel myself becoming more naturally myself every day.

Yes! I think that's a great description of the internal aspect of transition that I'm focusing on. And for me, so much of the work is letting go ... dropping the filters ... doing, feeling, moving, speaking what comes naturally without my habitual editing and censoring. 

 

-Timi

[Betty K]

28 minutes ago, Timi said:

Yes! I think that's a great description of the internal aspect of transition that I'm focusing on. And for me, so much of the work is letting go ... dropping the filters ... doing, feeling, moving, speaking what comes naturally without my habitual editing and censoring. 

 

-Timi

Hi Timi, I agree. About three years ago I realised just how much I had trained myself to move, speak and behave in ways that would camouflage my femininity. Gradually, I have felt that conditioning falling away, and it’s just so liberating. 

[emeraldmountain2]

27 minutes ago, Timi said:

dropping the filters ... doing, feeling, moving, speaking what comes naturally without my habitual editing and censoring. 

I've worked on the same with dropping the robotic mask and just trying to let my natural self flow. What's interesting is that my natural self is emerging in my behavior without my consciously trying to let go of the mask, which is such a relief.

[emeraldmountain2]

5 minutes ago, Betty K said:

Hi Timi, I agree. About three years ago I realised just how much I had trained myself to move, speak and behave in ways that would camouflage my femininity. Gradually, I have felt that conditioning falling away, and it’s just so liberating. 

It sure is amazing to see so many of us share the same experiences. I'm happy to hear that you also feel so liberated.

[EasyE]

16 hours ago, Betty K said:

The reality is there is variation in nature. And also, rarity in nature is something humans generally covet and regard as beautiful. Why should gender variance be any different?

This is a beautiful statement.

 

Alas, sometimes the beautiful variation threatens because people don't have a "box" to put it in. Therefore, there is disdain rather than appreciation for variation... I hope in my life I choose to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of how each of us are made because we human beings are really fascinating! ... I hope people can appreciate and see that in me as well (I hope I can appreciate it and see it in myself - maybe that is the first step)... 

[EasyE]

On 12/24/2023 at 5:36 PM, LC said:

I am struggling with this question for the last several weeks. Why do I want to become a woman? I have yet to hear an answer. I can’t describe it. It seems to be a feeling of need that I have from somewhere deep down. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I wear women’s panties and bras when I can and I just have a need for more. Am I nuts? I want so much more.

Can certainly relate to this in a huge way and ask myself similar questions all the time... no clear answer yet...

 

For the longest time I thought it was just panties and bras. But it is much more than that. I can't even really explain the depth of where all this comes from. And it is hard when folks around us won't even try to plumb these depths with us, they just cast us off as a perverts and deviants... 

[April Marie]

I cant tell you how many times I've tried to answer this question, in many forms. Why would I want to be a woman? Why do I feel so "right" when I wear women's clothes? Why do I look at women and wish I could be them? Have their figures? Their looks? Their hair? Why do I look at my body and feel that it's wrong? 

 

And, the ever present "Why me?"

 

For me, it took working with a gender therapist to gain an understanding of who I really was, from a gender perspective, and to beginning to chart a path to happiness and self-love. It;s a journey I've only really been on for less than a year but I have found some things that ring true to me.

 

Like others have said, I've decided that "Why" isn't important - that I could spend the rest of my life trying to find that answer and never find it. Of course, the fact that I'm almost 70 means it would be a shorter search than for many.

 

Dwelling on the Whys will just distract from the Why Nots. It keeps one focused on the causes, if they are even discoverable, instead of on the possibilities.

 

I'm of the generation impacted by John and Bobby Kennedy and one of the quotes attributed to Bobby - seen in varied forms - is truly applicable for us. With a bit of license:

 

"Some people look at things as they are and ask "WHY"? I see things as they could be and ask "Why not"?

 

Gender Dysphoria causes us to see ourselves through a lens that tries to trick us into self-hate and loathing. It tricks us into believing we are sick, mentally deranged, odd, wrong, and perhaps even deviants. The question of WHY is part of that focal lens.

 

Why Not frees us to explore. To learn about ourselves. To understand that happiness is possible. To use someone else's term in another thread here - we are Transgifted. 

 

In the end, I found that asking Why only pushed me farther into depression. My sanity demanded that I drop that line of questioning in favor of the Why Not?

 

While I still have a long journey ahead, in just less than a year I've found much happiness and self-love.

 

Just my own $.02.

 

 

[Timi]

1 hour ago, April Marie said:

I cant tell you how many times I've tried to answer this question, in many forms. Why would I want to be a woman? Why do I feel so "right" when I wear women's clothes? Why do I look at women and wish I could be them? Have their figures? Their looks? Their hair? Why do I look at my body and feel that it's wrong? 

 

And, the ever present "Why me?"

 

For me, it took working with a gender therapist to gain an understanding of who I really was, from a gender perspective, and to beginning to chart a path to happiness and self-love. It;s a journey I've only really been on for less than a year but I have found some things that ring true to me.

 

Like others have said, I've decided that "Why" isn't important - that I could spend the rest of my life trying to find that answer and never find it. Of course, the fact that I'm almost 70 means it would be a shorter search than for many.

 

Dwelling on the Whys will just distract from the Why Nots. It keeps one focused on the causes, if they are even discoverable, instead of on the possibilities.

 

I'm of the generation impacted by John and Bobby Kennedy and one of the quotes attributed to Bobby - seen in varied forms - is truly applicable for us. With a bit of license:

 

"Some people look at things as they are and ask "WHY"? I see things as they could be and ask "Why not"?

 

Gender Dysphoria causes us to see ourselves through a lens that tries to trick us into self-hate and loathing. It tricks us into believing we are sick, mentally deranged, odd, wrong, and perhaps even deviants. The question of WHY is part of that focal lens.

 

Why Not frees us to explore. To learn about ourselves. To understand that happiness is possible. To use someone else's term in another thread here - we are Transgifted. 

 

In the end, I found that asking Why only pushed me farther into depression. My sanity demanded that I drop that line of questioning in favor of the Why Not?

 

While I still have a long journey ahead, in just less than a year I've found much happiness and self-love.

 

Just my own $.02.

 

 

So beautifully expressed. Thank you, April!

 

-Timi

[AllieJ]

I am one of those people who need to know why, and for Gender Identity, I did spend 60 years trying to figure it out with the little information available. I am confident now that I understand the biological causes, and the answer to the riddle 'Why Me'.

 

Each of us is different for a reason, some are biologically more successful, and this is evolution. Success depends on being in tune with our changing environment, so a variation which was not successful in the past, may well be successful in the future, so every organism varies. If we were born completely male, we would be overly aggressive, or completely female, overly passive (very wide generalisations!!) so we need to be somewhere inside the spectrum. The variation responsible for gender incongruence may be part of this mechanism to keep us inside the spectrum, rather than at the extremes. It may also be for another reason we cannot imagine right now, but I know there is a reason!

 

'Why Me' I believe is just luck. Good or bad is for you to decide, but it is just another part of why I was born human, in this country, to my parents, with my particular susceptibilities, and all my other traits. Personally I see being trans as a negative in my life, but I am fortunate to have so many other positives that overall I feel lucky to have this life!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

[LC]

Allie thank you for that very insightful post. And April Marie, I am also from the era from Bobby Kennedy and JFK. I have started to change the question from why, to why not. I am learning to lean on the feelings that are laying just below the surface. I am seeing things in a whole new light and I want so much more. I am new to this, but am coming to view being Trans as a positive as each and everyone of us has something to share. I just want to thank you all for the support and encouragement to help me find the right path.

[KatieSC]

On 12/24/2023 at 3:36 PM, LC said:

I am struggling with this question for the last several weeks. Why do I want to become a woman? 

LC,

You are not nuts. Sometimes it is just enough that we know we have a female spirit. I went through many decades of denial. I went through my bargaining phase where I thought if I did something hypermasculine, or met the right woman, I just knew my thoughts would be eradicated, yet, no matter what I did, that longing and desperation to be my real self just kept shining through.

 

It is good that you are asking yourself this very question. My counselor asked me how transition would affect my life. In practicality, it did not change my life. I still had the same problems as before. I am fortunate that my job was relatively unaffected by my transition, and I had some very supportive folks. At the end of the day, I still had to do my job. I did find that some of the guys tuned me out, or spoke over me in meetings. Some disregard what I have to say. No different than what a fair number of women experience everyday. I love what the estrogen and spironolactone did to me, and I am very happy. I still have crappy hair, and I just capitulated and bought a few decent wigs. I struggle to maintain my weight. I cannot say vaginal dilation is all that much fun, but one day, I hope to experience a relationship with a nice guy. I absolutely hate electrolysis. I have had electrolysis with and without anesthetics. Even with anesthetic injections, it is not all that much fun.

 

Life will change. At the end of the day, it is still up to you as to what type of life you will have. You will not have a magically better life, but you may find that being happier is a wonderful thing. You may find more fulfillment in your relationships. You may find that a good cry is good for the soul. 

 

You are no pressure to figure out why you want to be a woman. Maybe it is as simple as you just do. Many of us take a rather long loop through life until we find out that we have denied ourselves a wonderful life. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[KatieSC]

LC,

 

The other thing is that you may find that you are just relaxed more being closer to your objective. Is it enough to mollify your desire to be feminine or somewhat feminine? Talking to a qualified counselor can help you explore this as well. We all have a different point of what maintained us throughout life. There are no cookie cutter formulas for how we came to where we are. Just be you!