Why

[LC]

Thank you KatieSC. “Just be you” is so simple and beautiful. I have said that to other people over the years, but it is something that I needed to hear. Thank you.

[Heather Shay]

LC - the right attitude to ward of the inner mind demon telling you not to be you.

[Rishaya]

As to why we trans, I’m a neuroscientist so I have a unique perspective.   As I learned at First Event last year, our brain’s circuitry that recognizes our bodies is formed in the first trimester,  the circuitry that forms our gender identity is formed in the second one.   If the gender circuitry tells us we’re female is different that the recognition of our bodies, we are trans.

 

We simply have female brains, if we are m2f.

[Rishaya]

Ooops!  “why we are trans””

[KatieSC]

9 hours ago, Rishaya said:

As to why we trans, I’m a neuroscientist so I have a unique perspective.   As I learned at First Event last year, our brain’s circuitry that recognizes our bodies is formed in the first trimester,  the circuitry that forms our gender identity is formed in the second one.   If the gender circuitry tells us we’re female is different that the recognition of our bodies, we are trans.

 

We simply have female brains, if we are m2f.

The embryonic development certainly would explain a great deal. It would certainly explain the feeling that I felt like everything was in the right place after my vaginoplasty. It is like being prewired, and finally things just clicked. Thank you Rishaya!

[Ashley0616]

My advice is to seek a therapist preferably a gender therapist and start from there. Everyone handles things differently and somethings are the same. It could be that you are a femboy who is a male that can be happy with just wearing female's clothes but like I said I can only say what I think. I'm not licensed, nor did I have any education in the field of study. It's not something that is going to answer itself in my opinion and it's not going to be solved by just a single visit to the therapist again in my opinion. 

[LC]

Those "demons" have been working overtime with me. This past couple of days I have been asking why not and all that has coming to mind are all the reasons not to pursue this path. I have found so may fears about transitioning. What will my family say? What will my friends say? What will society say? That is really strange coming from me as I have never been one to care what other people think of me. As I sit here today, I know I should get that appointment with a counselor/therapist, but even that has me filled with doubt now. What if this is the wrong direction for me? I still find that in the shower I look down and don't like what I see. I still have this need that seems to be growing now to change into something/ someone different. To be more feminine, to become a woman.

 

I have the book was suggested and have started work through it. I am up to chapter 2, fear. I hope that will help. My question this time (I know, all these questions) how did all of you deal with these demons? How did you get past the doubt, the questions?

[April Marie]

I would not have been able to get as far as I have without the help of my therapist as well as some people here. The path for us isn't easy and we all have fears. And, I'm not far ahead of you in the journey - still face the questions of what will happen when I come out to others beyond those who know now. Those fears and questions are natural.

 

What is the worst that can happen if you work with a therapist? You find out you're not trans? You find out you're not (fill in the blank)? On the other hand, the therapist can help you discover who you are, trans or otherwise and then help you craft a plan to move forward. Trying to face all the questions on your own seems, to me at least, to be a recipe for failure. It was for me.

 

Therapy helped me to recognize the dysphoria at work, how it plays on my perceptions and to develop strategies to push it off. It's the dysphoria that creates the demons, the doubts, the fears. It still hits me at times but I've become much better at turning it around into the Why Not? than I was 6 or even 3 months ago. 

 

This is a process of discovery. It takes time and guidance.

[AllieJ]

On 1/4/2024 at 1:27 PM, Rishaya said:

As to why we trans, I’m a neuroscientist so I have a unique perspective.   As I learned at First Event last year, our brain’s circuitry that recognizes our bodies is formed in the first trimester,  the circuitry that forms our gender identity is formed in the second one.   If the gender circuitry tells us we’re female is different that the recognition of our bodies, we are trans.

 

We simply have female brains, if we are m2f.

 

Though it is still largely unpopular among the trans community, this tiny brain structure variation is simply the best diagnostic available. Until it is accepted as one of the diagnostics, all we can do is hope that psychologists can do their jobs thoroughly and rule out all other possible causes. My psychiatrist had me fill out 13 questionnaires before he would write the letter for my surgery. My psychologist 'diagnosed' me as trans 40 minutes into our first session! Some social media sites will give you the right answers to tell your therapist to get the result you want! So I realised that therapists role is to support us through our journey, and this is a path which is far less rocky with a little help!

 

Here is the Harvard diagram again!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

[Betty K]

On 12/25/2023 at 10:27 AM, AllieJ said:

You are not nuts, and you don't 'want' to be a woman! You are simply reacting to a stimulus in your brain which has been there from before birth. You were born with part of your brain, (likely the Bed Nucleus) structured to give you a Gender Identity different to your anatomical sex.

 

How is saying this to LC any different to your psychologist diagnosing you as trans after only session?

 

 

[KatieSC]

LC,

It is not unusual to have some fear and doubt about coming out. It really boils down to how you see yourself transitioning versus staying put in your foxhole. Only you can decide what you can live with or live without. I would love to tell you it is easy. Part of it is very easy, yet, there are things you will find out that you did not count on. Do you feel you can have a happy and productive life without transition? Do you think transition will enhance your life, and if so, in what way? Transition will not fix all the other ills in our lives. You may find that your true friends will stick by you, but somewhere along the way, you may still lose a friend or so. You may see your family dynamics change a little. There are some job considerations. 

 

I would hope that you will find a really good counselor who can help you explore your inner most demons and help you find your truest self. You have nothing to lose by speaking to a counselor, although you may find it takes a few sessions to feel comfortable to explore issues. Do not fear the process.

 

There are many ways to approach coming out. I used letters and email to key friends, business associates, and relatives. I knew that once I sent the email, I could not pull it back. I also went to meet with my aunts and uncle. I shed more than a few tears, but in the end, it worked out. As for the rest of the world, as much as we think we have something important to get off of our chest, we find out fast that a fair number of folks will just shrug their shoulders. A lot of folks are just to busy with everyday life.

 

Hang in there and do not be too hard on yourself.

 

[AllieJ]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

 

How is saying this to LC any different to your psychologist diagnosing you as trans after only session?

 

 

 

A psychologist is simply taking a guess based on whatever you tell them, but brain structure is a far more solid finding. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Betty K]

51 minutes ago, AllieJ said:

 

A psychologist is simply taking a guess based on whatever you tell them, but brain structure is a far more solid finding. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

But you know nothing about LC's brain structure. Unless you know LC outside of TransPulse, aren't you also taking a guess, based on a single post on a forum?

[AllieJ]

12 minutes ago, Betty K said:

 

But you know nothing about LC's brain structure. Unless you know LC outside of TransPulse, aren't you also taking a guess, based on a single post on a forum?

 

True, but I am giving LC another perspective to the fear that she is Nuts! Just trying to balance the reliance on therapists to determine who we are. I doubt LC is taking anything posted on this thread as a complete diagnosis, and what you are saying can apply to almost every response on this thread! 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Betty K]

Well, I don't see many (if any?) other people presuming to be so certain of LC's identity here. Mostly I see encouragement and empathy and suggestions that the topic requires further exploration.

 

You might be right that few people would take any of our opinions as seriously as they'd take the opinion of a psychologist, but does that mean we shouldn't be careful with our opinions? At very least, I think we should preface things by saying that these are only opinions.

 

[Betty K]

@AllieJ, I forgot to tag you in the above post.

 

What I'm saying is, sure, you may have less influence than a psychologist, but you do have influence.

[LC]

I am looking for empathy, encouragement, and suggestions. Living in southern Missouri, there aren’t a lot of people that understand what is going on with me much less support it. So there’s not a lot of folks even close friends that I can ask advice about these feet or even admit that I am having them. I guess I’m just looking for friends I can talk to and I do count all of you as those friends.

[LC]

Those feet should be feelings. I didn’t see that till after I hit post.

[Betty K]

4 minutes ago, LC said:

Living in southern Missouri, there aren’t a lot of people that understand what is going on with me much less support it.

 

That sounds so difficult, LC. Trans Pulse is a friendly place and I'm confident you will continue to find the support you are looking for here. It helped me a lot when I was isolated and I hope it will do the same for you.

[LC]

Thank you Betty K. I look forward to hearing from you and everyone else here. Allie, thank you that is the first time I have been referred to with a feminine pronouns (she), and it felt, it felt wonderful. I couldn’t stop reading it.

[Betty K]

Ha, those feminine pronouns! They never get old.

[April Marie]

39 minutes ago, LC said:

 I guess I’m just looking for friends I can talk to and I do count all of you as those friends.

Not only can you share your thoughts and concerns here, there are so many people who can relate to your feelings, your fears and questions because they've been through it. We are here for each other. You are never alone.

 

[April Marie]

25 minutes ago, Betty K said:

Ha, those feminine pronouns! They never get old.

Amen to that!!!

[KatieSC]

1 hour ago, LC said:

Those feet should be feelings. I didn’t see that till after I hit post.

Well LC, on a lighter note, do not discount the idea of going for a great pedicure! I remember the six months prior to coming out. I explored what I needed. I reviewed as much literature as I could. I read a book by a trans woman named Jenny Boylan, She's not There: A life in two genders. Boylan was a professor at Colby College in Maine. A close friend of mine recommended the book as she had went to Colby and knew Boylan. Boylan was very similar to all of us. She had a lifelong desire to be female. In reading how she navigated coming out, I wrote some letters similar to what she did, in order to let key friends and relatives know. The text was very helpful. There is another book titled Everything you Ever Wanted to Know About Trans* by Brynn Tannehill. 

 

The one thing you should realize LC is that you are not nuts. Being transgender is for real. This is no phase. Only you can decide what your path will be, and how you want to approach it. I spent decades isolated and pissed off at everything in the world. I finally popped the cork on the bottle and made a plan. I decided to lose weight, get in shape, and approach this project with a plan. I also started developing a wardrobe slowly over six months. Thank goodness for Old Navy and Kohls. I found what I needed. It was kind of funny. Folks at work had no idea what was happening. I just told them that I was dieting and by the end of the next year, they would not recognize me. They had no idea. I did share my news with my boss, and my medical director. They were so cool about all of this. I was fortunate. Some folks have had a tortuous existence when they told their employer. I was lucky as I had support. 

 

As for the pedicure thing, yeah, if I had known that a mani/pedi could feel so good, I would have transitioned for that alone! Just kidding. I found a wonderful place that was very supportive. I still go there two years later. 

 

I hope you are finding the support and understanding in these forums. You have nothing to fear. You may not always agree with some of what you hear, but we have a very diverse group of folks from many walks of life. Sometimes the talk turns to political stuff, and that can be difficult, but regardless, this forum is like a big diner with a lot of folks from all over the world. 

 

Regarding counseling, it is helpful to talk with someone who has the appropriate education. Sometimes we experience things, or believe things and cannot fathom the meaning. I have found counseling to be very good. I hope that whatever you do, it goes well. Isolation and fear, can turn to depression or anger. Neither is a great place to be. Good luck on your journey!

 

 

[Birdie]

32 minutes ago, KatieSC said:

Regarding counseling, it is helpful to talk with someone who has the appropriate education.

Yes! I'm in NorthWest Texas, and the insurance plan doctor, psychiatrist, and social worker all believe gender dysphoria is a condition that must be treated and cured. 😐

 

I'm pretty much on my own unless I either move or change insurance. 

 

I told the psychiatrist that I have a uterus just like she does (I'm intersex), her response, "the doctors have determined you to be male."