My origin story

[Guest]

 

Finally finishing what I started.

[Note: This is about _my_ medical transition over the decades, and is not meant to diminish anyone else's experience, esp non-med, non-binary experience, in any manner]

 

I'm just kinda blown away how much our world has changed (some for the better, some not so much)

When I started my (MTF) transition, absolutely everything about my entire life was controlled by a bunch of old white guys. HBIGDA. Following TheRules, I got myself a therapist. Or so I thought. She literally wrote the BOOK on transition. More on this in a moment.  She sent me to a doctor after six months. The biggest trans-specialty clinic in the South Bay, CA. More on that too. Also note that insurance covered NOTHING, even though gender identity disorder (or transsexualsism) was a mental illness in the DSM at that time.

For those not familiar with what it was like back then: I did my six months of therapy, before I was permitted to start on HRT. I was 22 years old. I did my recommended year of slowly ramping up HRT, then quit my job, came out to everyone, got dumped by all of my family and friends, and started "RLT" ("real life test"), aka "Full Time" entirely alone in the world.

The required two years in, I put money down on my SRS (bottom surgery) and FFS (facial harminization surgery). That down payment was my entire life savings at the time, and then some. I was a year out from surgery at that point. I got my DL changed with a new gender marker.  Best day of my life! (couldn't change birth cert back then until after surgery)

I met a guy, he understood that he just needed to wait for a bit, and we started fooling around, eventually got pretty serious. I went on vacation with him for a few weeks.
When I came back, I called my doctor... Or tried to. No answering service, answering machine, no nothing. Just a dead ring. I went to the clinic, and it was dark, empty, shut down. What became of my medical records? No one will ever know. It wasn't until just recently I found the doctor. She's apparently just a research assistant in another state now? Did her license get whacked? [shrug]

Ok, I need to see my therapist. ... Ahh. Millie Brown. The one who wrote the book on transition, right?
She wasn't licensed to practice. Apparently didn't even have the effing degrees she claimed. AND she was having an inappropriate relationship with a patient, habitating with them. They freaked out, came home one night, pulled a gun, and shot up the bed they shared. You can't make this crap up. So, yeah, my therapist? Gone too. And, as far as HBIGDA is concerned - never existed. And my world disintigrated. I have no medical records of transition and RLT. I have no therapist sign off. 

The surgeons? Canceled my surgeries and kept my life savings. No refunds!

At this point, I've been living as a woman for several years. My new friend group, job, ... everyone knows me by the new name, gender, etc. Everything is marked "F".  So, young and impulsive, I said "-expletive- it, no back, only forward", and just crawled into my closet. HRT? Black market. Surgeries? I guess they'll never happen. [Sigh] Dysphoria? Suck it up, Buttercup!

So flash forward almost 30 years. All my doctors have only known me as female. ... I just don't take my pants off, right?

The new insurance company assigns me a gynocologist. I'm over 50. I have my first mammogram and everything is totally normal, reinforcing the assumption that I'm female. 
So then "women's services outreach" starts in on nagging about the cervical exam. No one can fathom that I'm 50+ years old without ever having had a pelvic on record?! I ignore it. And then they get freaking RELENTLESS. Every damned week. Sometimes twice a week. "Got to come in for your cervical. " My dysphoria is ratcheting up and Up and UP every god damned time. No joke. I'm getting so dysphoric with the constant reminder that I'm in a really dark place. Add on to that that I'm on black market HRT still, and it's far from the regularity and consistency that I really need.

So I had enough. I mean, flat out ENOUGH. I made an appointment with the gyno for my cervical. I went in, smiled sweetly, put on the gown, sat down in the chair. Doctor and PA come in and I went for full on shock. Put my feet up and said "Look, I'm sure you're a great doctor, but no matter how good you are, if you find a cervix today, one or the other of us is gonna be really -censored- surprised.

So she sat down, I tearfully told her my story. At this point, I still had no idea that HBIGDA was dead (rot in hell bastards!) and WPATH was the new hotness, and I could have simply ASKED ANYONE for HRT any time. She enlightened me. No, she's not going anywhere, she's still my gyno. She supports women's health, all women. (more tears). Just THREE HOURS(!) later, I had my baseline bloodwork drawn and three vials of estrogen in my purse. I had an appointment date with a head and neck surgeon, all paid by insurance, for a few months hence. Two days later, the bottom surgeon's office called to schedule my first appointment.

No kidding. Within a couple DAYS... [deep breath] Ok. I'm not going to regret all those decades. I'm not going to hate on my impulsive youthful self. She got me here at infinite personal expense to herself. She's the heroine of this story. But ~~censored word~~ it girl! ...

I'm scheduled for facial harminization surgery at the end of March. A couple months from now. I'm finishing up the little leftover bits of electro on both my face and genitals (also insurance funded!)  I expect probably next appointment to get the all-clear and then hear back on my bottom surgery date.

So what's the point to this missive? Hell if I know. I've been so deep in my closet, I didn't even know all these communities existed. Last time, the Internet was brand new, and I was the cosysop/first moderator for Susan's Place. (I ran into Susan on Mastodon the other day. Weird how the world works.) 

I've had NO support network in decades. None of my friends even knew until a few days ago when I had to call my best friend to ask her to come stay with me during facial surgery recovery... So, yeah. Here you go. 

This is my origin story.
 

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, girl. Bravo!

[April Marie]

Oh my gosh!!! What a story!!! Thank you for sharing it with us and welcome to the forums!!! You are such an inspiration to those of us just beginning our journeys. What strength of will you have. I look forward to getting to know you more as your journey continues in the coming months.

 

Just know that we are here to support you, as well.

[Heather Shay]

What a story. I'm so glad you are here and Jacki sent you.

Hugs

[Betty K]

4 hours ago, umbrielle said:

[deep breath] Ok. I'm not going to regret all those decades.

Hi Umbrielle, and welcome. My story is totally different to yours, but I could have written this part of it. Trying not to regret all those decades is quite a challenge. 
 

Congratulations, for what it’s worth, on finally getting where you needed to go.

[LC]

Welcome. I am new here too and have found this to be a very supportive community. I am glad you found us.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Welcome aboard, girl. Bravo!

Thank you!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

What a story. I'm so glad you are here and Jacki sent you.

Hugs

Thank you for the welcome! 

 

I think like absolutely everyone else ever... I've watched every facial harminization blog in the last ten years over the course of a few days, now that I'm almost sort of believing this could actually be happening.  Jackie's was one of those,  and had the referral to here. 😃

 

I don't know if it would be better in 1994 with no info going in, or 2024 with too much data ratcheting up the stress!

[Guest]

3 hours ago, April Marie said:

Oh my gosh!!! What a story!!! Thank you for sharing it with us and welcome to the forums!!! You are such an inspiration to those of us just beginning our journeys. What strength of will you have. I look forward to getting to know you more as your journey continues in the coming months.

 

Just know that we are here to support you, as well.

Inspiration may be a reach,... I kinda hope not! If there's one piece of advice I have to offer from it,  it's don't mistreat Time. She's a harsh mistress who owns us all.

 

If I'd just played their game,  it would have set me back a few years,  not almost 30!

 

And thank you. I'm likely to need it at some point. I'm already pinging off the walls 60 days out.

 

Right now, it's face in sixty days, SRS around Sept/Oct  pending clearance on hair removal,  then a face lift and trache shave in March 2025.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

Hi Umbrielle, and welcome. My story is totally different to yours, but I could have written this part of it. Trying not to regret all those decades is quite a challenge. 
 

Congratulations, for what it’s worth, on finally getting where you needed to go.

 

The worst of it is that (speaking of past-me in third person for distance from who I am now) she did the best she could. I have perfect knowledge of hindsight, she was dodging slings and arrows to keep us alive.

"Hate the game,  not the player" right? She got us here in a condition even buildings full of medical professionals didn't "clock" us for years, an early second career in medicine, then as an executive on into the csuite, all while battling crushing dysphoria . She did her best with a determination that was probably just a little too dogged.

 

(Ok, enough me in third person! )

 

 

46 minutes ago, LC said:

Welcome. I am new here too and have found this to be a very supportive community. I am glad you found us.

 

Thank you LC!

[Ashley0616]

Hi umbrielle! I'm shocked of all the stuff you have been put through! I wanted to come out in my twenties but I was in the military and they were kicking people out just for talking about it. I'm glad I waited though because I have two boys. The bad thing is I don't have anyone to watch them while I would be trying to get those surgeries. I'm to the point though where I'm going to do a consultation for hair removal therapy at the VA. I'm glad you found us. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Hi umbrielle! I'm shocked of all the stuff you have been put through! I wanted to come out in my twenties but I was in the military and they were kicking people out just for talking about it. I'm glad I waited though because I have two boys. The bad thing is I don't have anyone to watch them while I would be trying to get those surgeries. I'm to the point though where I'm going to do a consultation for hair removal therapy at the VA. I'm glad you found us. 

 

The military would add a whole 'nuther layer to it,  I couldn't even imagine.  My father was a Marine lifer, and my coming out terminated our relationship for the remainder of his life (even if he'd frequently accuse me of homosexuality in my youth, he didn't suspect the whole of the story) 

 

And then the daycare access.  Any time there are other beings involved... I'm trying to get as much done in the winter as possible just because of my dogs! Kids would be tougher again.

 

In my opinion,  keeping up with hair removal is THE biggest thing for one's self. And laser advanced insanely! 15mins every month for six or eight months, then a couple hours of electro every month knock down regrowth  

 

My regrowth from my original electro was all hormonal.  I lost my thyroid about ten years ago, ended up with thinning scalp hair and giant stiff white hairs on my face. So we're currently knocking those down

 

For me, nothing triggers dysphoria quite like facial hair! 

[MaeBe]

51 minutes ago, umbrielle said:

For me, nothing triggers dysphoria quite like facial hair! 

Agreed! I haven't started laser yet, but I really want to.