Am I Trans or not?

[Ajay]

I've been officially outed since 2021 and on HRT since last year around August I started with Estrogen. Close to the end of the year after I went through a lot of mental trouble my therapy finally started to show considerable progress (I've been in therapy for mental health issues unrelated to me being trans since beginn of 2023). I started to move more and more away from being trans. First I thought I was gender fluid but the more I started dressing and presenting as my sex assigned at birth I was being very comfortable with it to the point I quickly stopped HRT and detransitioned. Now ca. 4 months later after cutting my hair short and presenting fully male after 3 years of presenting female. I've started having doubts about it thoughts of how I looked before detransition haunt me and gender dysphoria is back. At the same time I had dysphoria about presenting female shortly before detransitioning. Now I am very confused and don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to tell my therapist or family not even friends about my doubts. I don't even know if I can trust myself because the thoughts are all over the place. Sometimes I think it's just because I don't like how I look and it's not about gender. These thoughts change all the time but all are hurtful. Another reason I don't know if I can trust myself is because the first moment I doubted myself and the day I detransitioned are not even a month apart. Now I'm thinking maybe I haven't thought it through properly as friends and family were supporting the decision it might've still been too quick. Besides I have mental health issues such as Autism spectrum disorder and Borderline personality disorder which make trusting myself even harder. What should I do now? I have no clue what I should do at this point?

[LittleSam]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. It's possible you are gender fluid, non binary, agender etc.. but neither of these titles make you any less trans. You don't even need to label yourself, just present how you feel would make you most comfortable. Only you can say if you feel you want to go in HRT again. If you do, there's nothing stopping you dressing in more masc clothes one day and then more fem the next. If you do still have facial hair, you can express this by dressing really fem and keeping the hair, or shaving it off it you want to. I do understand where you're coming from. I'm a non binary person and I do worry about transitioning, but the way I am now, I can't carry on for much longer looking the way I do. I comfort myself by thinking that when I hopefully do go on T and possibly grow facial hair, I can choose to still express my gender expression and dress how I want, shave or not shave how I want. I am known to be impulsive too, so I get it. I really hope you find a way to feel more comfortable. You're not alone.

[Ajay]

18 minutes ago, LittleSam said:

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. It's possible you are gender fluid, non binary, agender etc.. but neither of these titles make you any less trans. You don't even need to label yourself, just present how you feel would make you most comfortable. Only you can say if you feel you want to go in HRT again. If you do, there's nothing stopping you dressing in more masc clothes one day and then more fem the next. If you do still have facial hair, you can express this by dressing really fem and keeping the hair, or shaving it off it you want to. I do understand where you're coming from. I'm a non binary person and I do worry about transitioning, but the way I am now, I can't carry on for much longer looking the way I do. I comfort myself by thinking that when I hopefully do go on T and possibly grow facial hair, I can choose to still express my gender expression and dress how I want, shave or not shave how I want. I am known to be impulsive too, so I get it. I really hope you find a way to feel more comfortable. You're not alone.

Thanks for the comment. My biggest problem with this at the moment is the extreme difference. When I have thoughts of wanting to be female I get extreme dysphoria and want HRT and surgery but since I've started presenting male it keep switching between wanting what I used to have and continue it or stay cis. This is making it hard for me I don't know which to pick. Also before detransitioning I did present male and female and switched it up but that also didn't really help. It's not that I need a label it's I need some peace of mind or someway to know what is the right thing. But again your comment was indeed helpful and I will try it again to see if now it might help.

[Heather Shay]

I'm so glad you are here and you'll find you have a lot of new allies and friends.

Hugs

[Willow]

My advice is to go back to your therapist and talk about this.  A good therapist can help you figure it all out.  

[KatieSC]

Ajay,

 

Even if you are truly transgender, you can still struggle with the decision to transition. I have known I was a trans female since I was 4 years old, but I fought with myself. I knew, but was afraid to tell a soul. When I was a kid, I thought they would think I was crazy. Even as a teen I struggled with wondering what would make the thoughts go away and I would be normal. Well, that was a waste of time, but I kept trying to bargain. I went through my "if I do this" phase. Then I tried the "I will show them and be a big bad butt" phase...Didn't work. Then I faced the depressive part where I thought I would look like Fred Flintstone in a dress. I worried about whether I would look like a clown. I then figured out that it did not matter what woman I was with, in my soul, I knew I was a woman too, and nothing would change that. Being afraid to do anything resulted in years of self-abuse, binge eating, depression, avoidance of others, being sullen, and withdrawn. Finally, after doing little besides working, existing, and hibernating, I could not take it anymore. I revisited the idea of transition. I sought counseling. I cannot recommend this enough. You do not need counseling to transition, but you need an assessment for any procedures. The insurance companies require it, as well as most of the surgeons. 

 

If you can open up to a counselor, you may find it can be a great experience. The trick is finding a good counselor. I hope it gets easier for you. There is no shame in the struggle. All of us have struggles, and different paths to very similar places. Hang in there.

[Ashley0616]

I would take time and consider what makes you happier. Being trans isn't for everyone and I'm not saying you are or aren't. There is a lot going on and a lot to think about. None of us can diagnose you as transgender because none of us have a degree in therapy and psychology. A decision doesn't have to be made today or the next week. I sense that you want to get to the bottom of it all and have answers. Might I suggest on getting on YouTube and watching both transitioners and detransitioners and get their perspective. They might have experienced something that you are going through or about to go through. It is always best to hear both sides of the story and figure out what works best for yourself. Try not to make any rash decisions that you might regret later on. I think that your family and friends want you to be happy and they want the best for you. Everyone makes mistakes. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar, chronic migraines, severe depression, military sexual trauma and PTSD and that is only for the mental issuers I have. I have plenty of other issuers.