Traveling as transgender

[Lorelei]

I am a caver, so I have to travel a long way to the good caves. A lot of the good ones are in red states. When I was cis male, I had no reservations to going there. With my big pickup truck I could easily blend in with the locals. Other than the New York plates. Now that I started transitioning to become a women I have been very reluctant about going to places that I used to love. I recently decided not to go the annual convention which is in rural Tennessee (great caves there) because I am scared to go there. The cavers are generally accepting, but I would inevitably encounter local people. Actually caver friends were the first ones I tried to transition in 2012 before going back in the closet. I am anxious about going to a local club trip to a friends house in rural Virginia. But I am going to that one. 
 

The politics of the areas that I like to travel are actually the toughest part of my transition. I hope it will get easier after I legally change my name and gender. And get the surgeries that I want. But even when I 100% pass, I would still know in my heart that those states want to persecute me. 

[Ashley0616]

I completely understand your situation. I'm in Mississippi where there are not state laws for civil rights for transgender but there is Federal laws that do cover civil rights. It's important to take things as they come along. It doesn't have to be rushed. It happens on your timeline and terms. I have been living fully as a trans woman since April of last year. I don't regret it other than I wished I did it a little sooner. I'm happy and blessed to be in an area where it's not too bad. I have been called out, but I simply ignored him and carried on about my business. 

[Mmindy]

8 minutes ago, Lorelei said:

The cavers are generally accepting, but I would inevitably encounter local people. Actually caver friends were the first ones I tried to transition in 2012 before going back in the closet. I am anxious about going to a local club trip to a friends house in rural Virginia. But I am going to that one. 
 

The politics of the areas that I like to travel are actually the toughest part of my transition. I hope it will get easier after I legally change my name and gender. And get the surgeries that I want. But even when I 100% pass, I would still know in my heart that those states want to persecute me. 

Lorelei,

 

One of the biggest things we as transgender MtF have to worry about is thinking we can go about our lives just as we did when we were presenting full on male. As transwomen we do need to be extra vigilant and aware of our surroundings.  Always travel with friends, don't give others a chance to single us out. I believe people in the conservation arena are more accepting to humans as humans, and understand that we can and do change. The clothing worn while caving aka spelunking, is usually non-gender specific. It's the accessories that express our feelings or presentation. I agree working your way back into those circles should be on your terms and at your pace. If you feel comfortable adventuring out with the spelunking group, but not comfortable clubbing in a strange location, stay in or go to less rambunctious venues.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Carolyn Marie]

I've traveled all over the U.S. since I transitioned, sometimes in a group (tour coach) and sometimes by car.  I've never had a problem in any state (so far).  Regardless of how conservative the people of a state may be, or how many churches they have, or how ugly the beliefs of their politicians may be, I've found that most people are just kindhearted and don't worry about appearances. 

 

Sure, I've had stares (mostly here in Blue California), but nothing worse.  It is a truism that anything can happen anywhere.  But the answer is not staying home and hiding out.  That just leads to missing out on life.  I have many friends in Red states, and for the most part, they are treated kindly by their neighbors and strangers alike.

 

I agree that it will be less stressful once your personal ID is changed.  If you feel that you want to wait for your surgeries, that's up to you.  I wish you luck and peace.

 

Carolyn marie

[Lorelei]

When I go caving, I always meet up with a big group, but I almost always drive there on my own. I usually go exactly the speed limit in states with a 70mph limit so my exposure to law enforcement is very limited. That also saves fuel, so I can go 750 miles on a tank allowing me to be picky on where I fill up. Fortunately I also have a huge bladder (usually I can get like 350-400 miles non stop while still staying hydrated) so I can usually can wait until I find a safe single occupancy restroom or wait until I get back into a safe state. BP’s are usually good with clean bathroom's. Also McDonald’s. I have a very shy bladder so I always have been very picky where I go. I like driving overnight, so I rarely encounter anyone when I stop. I have been maintaining my muscle strength and carry mace so I think I am pretty safe on the road. Actually saying this is making me reconsider going to the convention. Still probably not still. Next year the convention is in New York so I will be definitely going to that one, and by the 2026 convention (probably Alabama) I will likely be fully transitioned and post op so I will feel safer then. I have requested that the name change and gender marker changed on birth certificate be judicially sealed, so there is no way that they would know. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I worry more about traveling in heavily populated areas... more people usually means more stress and more risk, regardless of politics.  By coincidence, that means more contact with rural conservatives.  I wouldn't worry too much.  I have spent plenty of time in OK, TX, MS, etc... and most folks are just busy going about their day.

 

If you really want to blend in while traveling the South, you can temporarily put a rebel flag license plate on the front, or a sticker somewhere on the vehicle 😉  

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'll add that if you want a safe place to stop, truck stops are really good. The Loves chain is usually pretty clean.  Truck drivers come from all walks of life and there are LGBTQ folks too.  My husband is a fleet manager but sometimes he takes a trip, and I have usually felt comfortable in the truck stop environment.  Literally its like nobody gives me a 2nd look.

[Sally Stone]

Lorelei,

 

You've gotten great advice from everyone that's already posted a response, but if I could add one recommendation it would be this:

 

Don't wait to live your trans life until after you've fully transitioned.  Learned behavior is hard to overcome, so if today, you are hiding in the shadows, you may find yourself doing the same thing after transition.  Now is the time to put yourself out there and learn to express yourself as the woman you are.  The old standards of care recommendations for transition stated you had to live in the real world as your desired gender for one-year before you could transition.  I'm not sure that is still required, but it was sage advice. 

 

Sadly, I don't think there is a switch that gets thrown after full transition that suddenly makes being a trans woman easy.  Consequently, I believe the sooner you start expressing yourself to the world as a woman, the sooner you you begin enjoying your new life.  Hugs to you and I wish you all the best for the future.   

[Lorelei]

40 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

If you really want to blend in while traveling the South, you can temporarily put a rebel flag license plate on the front, or a sticker somewhere on the vehicle 😉  

I have actually have done that. A rebel flag front license plate. I only did it once, and was worried that my truck would be vandalized in NY. Plus nobody cared that I was from upstate New York. That was as a cis male. 

[Carolyn Marie]

1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 Truck drivers come from all walks of life and there are LGBTQ folks too. 

 

This is true.  I know at least three trans women long haul truckers.  None have ever reported a problem, other than the usual "being a woman in a male-dominated field."

 

Carolyn Marie

[Pip]

4 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Learned behavior is hard to overcome

This comment I agree with 100%, which is one reason why I say that I am still on my transition journey, which I openly started in 1998. I learn things every day, I also reinforce the un-learning of older habits that no longer sit comfortably with who I am.

 

4 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Don't wait to live your trans life until after you've fully transitioned.

Again I agree with this. Early in my journey, I had a fair bit of fear and anxiety. It is important that we do not let these feelings stop our involvement in every day life. Get out there and go to the shops to do the grocery shopping, do ordinary everyday things. I believe that involvement in life is the best way for any of us to learn how to be comfortable being ourselves.

Because I am still changing small things about my behavior, I consider that Transition is a journey, not a destination. As each one of us develops the skills, knowledge, and behavior patterns (habits) that fit in better with who we are, we tend to become more and more "invisible" as we move through our daily activities.

Cheers,

Pip

[Lydia_R]

2 hours ago, Pip said:

Because I am still changing small things about my behavior, I consider that Transition is a journey, not a destination.

 

I'm totally into this too @Pipand it's something that I fortunately picked up on quickly when starting to transition and spending time on this site.  I like keeping a fresh view everyday and considering what I can do to have fun with on my transition journey today.  I have my visions of where it will be at in 10 years, but you know, that day may never come.  Working towards that day is fine and necessary.

 

Wow, sounds like you have a lot of interaction in your community @Hannah Renee!  That's nice that is working out for you.  Hugs!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

10 hours ago, Lorelei said:

 I only did it once, and was worried that my truck would be vandalized in NY.

 

Yeah, I doubt it would be well received in NY.  The whole idea is to blend in where you are, after all.  So I'd put on the license plate only once you cross the Mason-Dixon line.  It might not go so well in urban areas, either, as not everybody sees the flag the same way.  Out in rural areas like mine, its almost expected to have one. 

 

10 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

This is true.  I know at least three trans women long haul truckers.  None have ever reported a problem, other than the usual "being a woman in a male-dominated field."

 

I'd say less than 10% of truckers are female.  The ones you meet are usually team driving with a husband.  Solo female truckers tend to be pretty tough, and I don't see them getting disrespected at all.  I've even seen some folks with "interesting" styles at truck stops.  A while back we saw a guy with a tall pink Mohawk, leather pants, and a pink feathery scarf....nobody even looked like they were staring.  Everybody is accepted as long as they follow the unwritten rules of courteous truck stop behavior.  Its common for strangers to help each other, and that courtesy is often extended even to non-truckers who enter the area. 

[Lorelei]

Things like the posts above make me wonder how so many good people vote in such awful people into office. That applies to both parties. Politicians who don’t properly represent their constituents should be voted out, not voted in because of a letter after their names. People aren’t born hateful. It is forced into them and the young generations that have not learned hatred yet should be voted into office.