How many times did you know before you came out to yourself?

[Sophie111]

Hello, I'm Sophie from hungary (sorry for my english)

 

I only started to leave the questioning phase a month ago, I'm coming to terms with the idea that I'm a trans girl. I know that it's a long road, and I still carry some guilt and shame because of who I am, but I'm working on it with my therapist. The things I've been thinking about lately are my memories, or let's say my "canon events" that were obviously lead me to my path. This events sometimes gave me a hard time, sometimes gave me a strange sense of euphoria and at other times, just confused me. These were some moments when I felt that something was not okay (or let's say ordinary) with my gender.

 

- When I was 5, I saw a really stupid movie called Mr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. It was about a professor who invented a drink that accidentally turned him into a woman. The two half of the doctor's personalities started to fight against each other, and I remember how excited I was about it. I was rooting for the woman self so much, that even today I can recall my feelings about it. This was the first time when I realized, maybe a man could turn into a woman.

- I was also 5 years old when I saw a Scooby Doo movie, where Shaggy drank some liquid that made his body characteristics female. It had the same effect on me like the previous movie, but it wasn't as deep or emotional, the scene only lasts a couple of seconds.

- I was even smaller, maybe 4 when I was playing with a dollhouse and my mother took it away from me. She told me those are girl toys, then I started to cry because of the shame I felt.

- In kindergarten I was afraid of the boys and I hated anything masculine. I hated sports, dangerous or rough activities, I was really sensitive, I cried a lot and I felt that nobody understands me.

- My friend circle was always made up by males and females almost equally. My male friends are really sensitive too, I never in my life spent a day with someone who was stereotypically masculine.

- When I was 11, I thought I was gay. I liked men, but I felt that I can't be with another man as a man. That time I didn't know anything about genders.

- I was 11 too when I started to steal my mother's clothes, I almost always wore them when my parents were out. I was shaking from the excitement and I was as happy as could be when I wore those dresses. I identified as a girl at that time, but I still didn't know anything about trans people.

- In my teens I felt terrible shame about my desires, I quit crossdressing and tried to live a normal heterosexual boy's life. It was acceptable, it wasn't the most horrible thing I can imagine, but I wasn't happy and I deeply oppressed my real (or let's say huge part of my real) personality, of course, It always came up in one way or another.

- In my teens I thought that the whole thing is just a fetish for me, just because some of my thoughts became erotic about the way I wanted to live my life as a woman. This gave me a really hard time, sometimes I still thinking about: Is it just a kink? And of course, deep down I know, It's not.

- In my early twenties I started to feel so much anxiety which at times seemed unbearable. I couldn't start my adult life, because I felt that I don't want to start my adult life as a boy but I'm still afraid of being a girl. Huge anxiety, panic attacks, symptoms of depression, heavy drinking, repression, guilt, shame, I felt hopeless.

 

Don't worry, a couple of months ago I started to feel myself better and I understand a lot more about my feelings. I somewhat accepted myself as the woman I always meant to be, but my coming out for others is still waiting.

What were your "canon events"? I really would like to read your stories, little memories too. Good and bad ones equally.

 

Thank you, If you read this, have a wonderful day.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Well, I knew I was trans very early in life; maybe 6-7 years old.  Of course, I didn't have a word for it until my teens, when I started reading about the early "transsexual" celebrities in the news.  I cross dressed off and on for many years, but the idea I could accomplish becoming a woman seemed too extreme, too far fetched to actual try doing something about my feelings.  But they became stronger over the years.

 

When I fell in love and married at the age of 37 I thought that it would "cure" me.  I gave away all my female clothing before my wife moved into my house.  I guess it worked for many years, but when I got to my 50's, the idea of dying without fulfilling my dream just got to be too much.  I came out to my wife and son at age 55, started my transition, and the rest is history.

 

It's been a long road, but worth all the anxiety, pain and fear.  I am a pretty happy person these days, and my dream has become my reality.  😋

 

Carolyn Marie

[Sophie111]

2 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Well, I knew I was trans very early in life; maybe 6-7 years old.  Of course, I didn't have a word for it until my teens, when I started reading about the early "transsexual" celebrities in the news.  I cross dressed off and on for many years, but the idea I could accomplish becoming a woman seemed too extreme, too far fetched to actual try doing something about my feelings.  But they became stronger over the years.

 

When I fell in love and married at the age of 37 I thought that it would "cure" me.  I gave away all my female clothing before my wife moved into my house.  I guess it worked for many years, but when I got to my 50's, the idea of dying without fulfilling my dream just got to be too much.  I came out to my wife and son at age 55, started my transition, and the rest is history.

 

It's been a long road, but worth all the anxiety, pain and fear.  I am a pretty happy person these days, and my dream has become my reality.  😋

 

Carolyn Marie

I'm happy that you found your place as a woman I feel the same about fulfilling my dream before I die. I just want to live my life. I thought that my love affairs and relationships will cure me, but of course those were temporary for me too. I wish you and your family the best! ❤️