Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Comfortably bi-gender for years, until ...


Recommended Posts

Hi! I'm a let's-say-older-than-forty Vermont woman who loves making music, writing, dancing, and exploring the universe by whatever means come to hand.

 

About seven and a half years ago, I came across the term "bi-gender" and had my mind blown: it turns out I was not a male with some kind of weird defect, but rather a bi-gender person, since early childhood. I began identifying as bi-gender and before long started presenting in whichever gender felt most appropriate. I made a lot of queer friends, learned a lot about gender, and started a gender identity interview podcast, which has run for two seasons so far (whether or when there's a season 3 will depend on being able to carve out the time for it!).

 

Throughout these years, knowing that a lot of (but not all!) bi-gender people eventually find themselves more in the binary trans category, I checked in with myself regularly to, you know, see how it was all still fitting. Recently, I realized that for some time, I've been going into male mode mainly for convenience or safety--not because I was actually feeling a pull to maleness. Since then, it seems like I am finding that my male side has had its day and is more or less over. I'm now on more of a transwoman path, though I'm still doing a lot of checking myself, therapy, discussing the subject with friends, etc. to make sure it's the right path for me. I have already gotten together with my provider and had my HRT upped from my pretty-minimal nonbinary levels to more standard transwoman levels, so the clock is sort of ticking: I want to be certain where I'm going before the physical changes start in. With that said, I'm already pretty sure, which is why I'm already going down that road.

 

I'm glad to be here! I'd love to meet other people here who might share some interests with me and/or who are in or around Vermont.

40s_swing-me.png

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums,

 

Thank you for sharing this introduction. I hope you find this platform as useful as I do.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome, @Ila

 

You are definitely not alone.  It is quite common for someone's awareness of their gender identity to undergo some evolution over time.  A local friend of mine started off calling herself a male crossdresser.  Then she realized that bi-gender was a more appropriate label.  Then, like you, she realized that she was going into male mode mostly for convenience and family harmony, and that she was really trans-feminine.  She started on transition HRT last month.

 

I am happy for you that you are comfortable with your self-awareness.

Link to comment

Welcome to the forum, Ila!! You'll find lots of information, resources, support and friendship here. Jump in where you feel comfortable. I love your picture! You're beautiful!!

Link to comment

Thanks so much to everyone for the lovely welcome. ❤️

Link to comment

Welcome Ila! I am starting wonder if I am on a similar path to what you are describing... I have come a long ways from feeling like I was a guy with a "defect" that craved wearing women's underwear to being someone who can't wait to live in feminine mode as much as possible (and wears guy clothes mostly because of the folks around me, not because I want to)...

 

I have been standing on the doorstep of starting HRT for a few months (waiting for some other medical issues to clear). I think more and more that I would prefer to have the female anatomy instead of the male anatomy that I have. It both scares me and excites me and confounds me all...

 

Anyways, I know we are not supposed to talk about HRT doses on here so I am not asking for that. But I am curious about what you described as "pretty-minimal nonbinary levels" of HRT. What kind of effect does that have on you physically/emotionally/any other way? Have you had any negative side effects? Monotherapy or E + T blocker? Sorry so many questions, just curious and trying to learn (and make thoughtful decisions for myself) ... thanks!! And welcome again! This is a great place with very supportive people

 

Easy

Link to comment

It's a pleasure to meet you, @EasyE. Feel free to message me if you'd like to have a side conversation, considering we may be working through some of the same issues!

 

Quote

But I am curious about what you described as "pretty-minimal nonbinary levels" of HRT. What kind of effect does that have on you physically/emotionally/any other way? Have you had any negative side effects?

 

It was pretty limited. I was taking a smaller-than-usual dose of estradiol with the hope of it opening up my emotions a bit (which I feel it probably did, though it's hard to know for sure!) and possibly contributing to more hair on my head and less in most other places (which it might have, but there are too many confounding variables to know). When I upped my dose a little and started having breast development, I backed off to the lower dose, because at the time, I didn't want my body to change due to feeling like it would compromise my male mode (whereas now I'm all for body changes).

 

I tried a smallish dose of spironolactone at the time as well, but I found it interfered with sexual function and may have caused problems with mood. Strangely, now that I'm back on spironolactone and at a more typical, higher dose, I so far haven't experienced either of those problems. Of course, it may just be a matter of time.

Link to comment

thanks for the reply - much appreciated! ... I guess I fear the body change aspect (well, I fear everyone else's reaction to the body change aspect since I'm not all the way out to most around me) ... I am warming up to the body change aspect more and more, though, which at some point (soon?!?) I will have to make decisions about.

Link to comment

Welcome IIa,I hope you find what you're searching for.We are all searching here and there is great experience to draw on.I have greatly benefitted from that experience.

You sound all in EasyE and I can't help but smile with joy for you.I have the very same feelings and just a few days ago secured my doctors' referral to a clinic for HRT.I think it's important to stay 'loose'.IThis whole process seems to have a mind of it's own and I am slow to interfere to much preferring to just follow the leads I'm given.It is super exciting though and equally daunting.The thought of femininity coursing through our being is just delicious.Best of luck

Love Keera

Link to comment
19 minutes ago, Keera said:

The thought of femininity coursing through our being is just delicious.

That was a delicious sentence to read 😉

Link to comment

Hi lla...  

 

very new here myself, pardon the lack of a photo, had something i put together using AI that reflected what i felt, but it was a bit too real and did not want to mislead.     I have always been confused by the terms but your experience and description of bi-gender struck a chord with me.    I saw several responses that had similar descriptions to what i have felt all my life... a male with a bunch of defects.    i have been toggling back and forth between the two "me"s ever since i can remember, always very much in private and am envious of those who can and have been able to open up.    first time on any of these sites, and feels pretty good just to be able to talk about it a bit... 

Link to comment

Welcome Andrea 

43 minutes ago, andrea verse said:

first time on any of these sites, and feels pretty good just to be able to talk about it a bit... 

It does feel good to be able to talk about these things in a safe place like this.

Link to comment

@Ila, hello! I missed your original post and am just seeing this thread now. Welcome!

 

You look lovely in that photo and so happy! I am glad you're here and hope to read more from you!

Link to comment

@andrea verse, welcome from another newbie on the forum, and I'm so glad you're finding this a good place to connect and talk about your experience! How have you been feeling about your gender lately? What's on your mind about it?

 

It's so nice to hear from folks on this thread. Thanks to everyone who's shown up to respond or say hi!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 100 Guests (See full list)

    • Vidanjali
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Petra Jane
    • Thea
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      769.6k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,077
    • Most Online
      8,356

    AmandaJoy
    Newest Member
    AmandaJoy
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Angel Jamie
      Angel Jamie
      (24 years old)
    2. CallMeKeira
      CallMeKeira
      (31 years old)
    3. CamtheMan
      CamtheMan
    4. Jona
      Jona
      (22 years old)
    5. jpek
      jpek
  • Posts

    • Timber Wolf
      Hi Amanda, Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.   Lots of love and a big welcome hug,, Timber Wolf 🐾
    • Thea
      Do we have any programmers in the house?! I'm a computer hobbyist. I mainly write code in C and javascript. 
    • Timi
      Hi Amanda! Thank you for sharing.    -Timi
    • KathyLauren
      Around here, a culturally-appropriate gender-neutral form of address is either "dear" or "hun".  It tends to be mostly women who use those, though I did have a man address me as "dear" in a store today.    It could be startling for a come-ffrom-away to hear themselves being addressed that way, but, locally, it is considered a friendly, not particularly creepy, gender-neutral way to address someone.
    • Lydia_R
    • April Marie
      Welcome, Amanda!! You'll find many of us here who found ourselves late in life - it was at 68 for me. Each of us is unique but we also have similarities and can help each other   I understand the urge to move quickly, but remember that your wife also has to adjust as you transition. That doesn't mean you have to move slowly, just give both of you time to process the changes and the impacts.   Many of us have also benefitted greatly from working with a gender therapist. For me, it was literally life-saving. Just a thought you might want to consider. Mine is done completely on-line.   Again, welcome. Jump in where you feel comfortable.
    • MAN8791
      Change. I am so -censored- tired of change, and what I've just started in the last month with identifying and working through all of my . . . stuff . . . around gender dysphoria represents a level of change I dread and am terrified of.   2005 to 2019 feel like a pretty stable time period for me. Not a whole lot of change happened within me. I met someone, got married, had three kids with them. Struggled like hell with anxiety and depression but it was . . . ok. And then my spouse died (unexpectedly, brief bout with flu and then gone) and the five years since have been an unrelenting stream of change. I cannot think of a single way in which I, the person writing this from a library table in 2024, am in any way the same person who sat in an ICU room with my dying spouse 5 years ago. I move different, speak different, dress different, think different, have different goals, joys, and ambitions. And they are all **good.** but I am tired of the relentless pace of change and as much as I want and need to figure out my dysphoria and what will relieve the symptoms (am I "just" gender fluid, am I trans masc? no -censored- clue at the moment) I dread it at the same time. I just want to take a five year nap and be done with it.
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the Forums Amanda, there are a number of us here who took that long or longer to come to grips with our personal reality.  Join right in and enjoy the company you have.
    • AmandaJoy
      I'm Amanda, and after 57 years of pretending to be a male crossdresser, I've recently admitted to myself that I'm a woman. It's pretty wild. I don't think that I've ever had a thought that was as clearly true and right, as when I first allowed myself to wonder, "wait, am I actually trans?"   The hilarious part is that I owe that insight to my urologist, and a minor problem with a pesky body part that genetic women don't come equipped with (no, not that one). I'll spare you the details, but the end result was him talking about a potential medication that has some side effects, notably a 1% chance of causing men to grow breasts. The first thought that bubbled up from the recesses of my mind was, "wow, that would be awesome!"   <<blink>><<blink>> Sorry, what was that again?   That led down a rabbit hole, and a long, honest conversation with myself, followed by a long, honest conversation with my wife. We both needed a couple of weeks, and a bit of crying and yelling, to settle in to this new reality. Her biggest issue? Several years ago, she asked me if I was trans, and I said, "no". That was a lie. And honestly, looking back over my life, a pretty stupid one.   I'm really early in the transition process - I have my first consultation with my doctor next week - but I'm already out to friends and family. I'm struggling with the "do everything now, now now!" demon, because I know that this is not a thing that just happens. It will be happening from now on, and trying to rush won't accomplish anything useful. Still, the struggle is real . I'm being happy with minor victories - my Alexa devices now say, "Good morning, Amanda", and I smile each and every time. My family and friends are being very supportive, after the initial shock wore off.   I'm going to need a lot of help though, which is another new thing for me. Being able to ask for help, that is. I'm looking forward to chatting with some of you who have been at this longer, and also those of you who are as new at this as I am. It's wild, and intoxicating, and terrifying... and I'm looking forward to every second of it.   Amanda Joy
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Yep, that's the one :P    Smoothies are criminally underrated imo
    • Ivy
      Rain here. I went to Asheville yesterday, and stayed later to visit some before going down the mountain.  Down here there were a lot of trees down in the northern part of the county.  The power had gone off at the house, but was back by the time I got home (21:00).  There was a thunderstorm during the night.
    • Birdie
      I used to get ma'am'ed during my 45 years of boy-mode and it drove me nuts.    Now that I have accepted girl-mode I find it quite pleasant.    Either way, being miss gendered is quite disturbing. I upon a rare occasion might get sir'ed by strangers and it's quite annoying. 
    • Mmindy
      Good morning Ash,    Welcome to TransPulseForums, I have a young neighbor who plays several brass instruments who lives behind my house. He is always practicing and I could listen to them for hours, well I guess I have listened to them for hours, and my favorite is when they play the low tones on the French Horn.    Best wishes,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,    I had my first cup of coffee this morning with my wife, my second was a 20oz travel mug on the way to the airport. Once clearing TSA, I bought another 20oz to pass the time at the boarding gate. I’m flying Indy to Baltimore, then driving to Wilmington, DE for my last teaching engagement at the DE State Fire School.    Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋    
    • Vidanjali
      In my opinion, the gender neutral version of sir or ma'am is the omission of such honorifics.   "Excuse me, sir" becomes simply, "Excuse me", or better yet, "Excuse me, please."   "Yes, ma'am" becomes "Yes", or depending on the context, "Yes, it would be my pleasure" or "Yes, that is correct."   Else, to replace it with a commonly known neutral term such as friend, or credentialed or action-role-oriented term depending on the situation such as teacher, doctor, driver, or server.   And learn names when you can. It's a little known fact that MOST people are bad with names. So if you've ever told someone, "I'm bad with names", you're simply affirming you're typical in that way. A name, just like any other factoid, requires effort to commit to memory. And there are strategies which help. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...