Comfortably bi-gender for years, until ...

[Ila]

Hi! I'm a let's-say-older-than-forty Vermont woman who loves making music, writing, dancing, and exploring the universe by whatever means come to hand.

 

About seven and a half years ago, I came across the term "bi-gender" and had my mind blown: it turns out I was not a male with some kind of weird defect, but rather a bi-gender person, since early childhood. I began identifying as bi-gender and before long started presenting in whichever gender felt most appropriate. I made a lot of queer friends, learned a lot about gender, and started a gender identity interview podcast, which has run for two seasons so far (whether or when there's a season 3 will depend on being able to carve out the time for it!).

 

Throughout these years, knowing that a lot of (but not all!) bi-gender people eventually find themselves more in the binary trans category, I checked in with myself regularly to, you know, see how it was all still fitting. Recently, I realized that for some time, I've been going into male mode mainly for convenience or safety--not because I was actually feeling a pull to maleness. Since then, it seems like I am finding that my male side has had its day and is more or less over. I'm now on more of a transwoman path, though I'm still doing a lot of checking myself, therapy, discussing the subject with friends, etc. to make sure it's the right path for me. I have already gotten together with my provider and had my HRT upped from my pretty-minimal nonbinary levels to more standard transwoman levels, so the clock is sort of ticking: I want to be certain where I'm going before the physical changes start in. With that said, I'm already pretty sure, which is why I'm already going down that road.

 

I'm glad to be here! I'd love to meet other people here who might share some interests with me and/or who are in or around Vermont.

[Mmindy]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums,

 

Thank you for sharing this introduction. I hope you find this platform as useful as I do.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, @Ila. 

 

You are definitely not alone.  It is quite common for someone's awareness of their gender identity to undergo some evolution over time.  A local friend of mine started off calling herself a male crossdresser.  Then she realized that bi-gender was a more appropriate label.  Then, like you, she realized that she was going into male mode mostly for convenience and family harmony, and that she was really trans-feminine.  She started on transition HRT last month.

 

I am happy for you that you are comfortable with your self-awareness.

[Ivy]

Welcome Ila

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum, Ila!! You'll find lots of information, resources, support and friendship here. Jump in where you feel comfortable. I love your picture! You're beautiful!!

[Ila]

Thanks so much to everyone for the lovely welcome. ❤️

[EasyE]

Welcome Ila! I am starting wonder if I am on a similar path to what you are describing... I have come a long ways from feeling like I was a guy with a "defect" that craved wearing women's underwear to being someone who can't wait to live in feminine mode as much as possible (and wears guy clothes mostly because of the folks around me, not because I want to)...

 

I have been standing on the doorstep of starting HRT for a few months (waiting for some other medical issues to clear). I think more and more that I would prefer to have the female anatomy instead of the male anatomy that I have. It both scares me and excites me and confounds me all...

 

Anyways, I know we are not supposed to talk about HRT doses on here so I am not asking for that. But I am curious about what you described as "pretty-minimal nonbinary levels" of HRT. What kind of effect does that have on you physically/emotionally/any other way? Have you had any negative side effects? Monotherapy or E + T blocker? Sorry so many questions, just curious and trying to learn (and make thoughtful decisions for myself) ... thanks!! And welcome again! This is a great place with very supportive people

 

Easy

[Ila]

It's a pleasure to meet you, @EasyE. Feel free to message me if you'd like to have a side conversation, considering we may be working through some of the same issues!

 

Quote

But I am curious about what you described as "pretty-minimal nonbinary levels" of HRT. What kind of effect does that have on you physically/emotionally/any other way? Have you had any negative side effects?

 

It was pretty limited. I was taking a smaller-than-usual dose of estradiol with the hope of it opening up my emotions a bit (which I feel it probably did, though it's hard to know for sure!) and possibly contributing to more hair on my head and less in most other places (which it might have, but there are too many confounding variables to know). When I upped my dose a little and started having breast development, I backed off to the lower dose, because at the time, I didn't want my body to change due to feeling like it would compromise my male mode (whereas now I'm all for body changes).

 

I tried a smallish dose of spironolactone at the time as well, but I found it interfered with sexual function and may have caused problems with mood. Strangely, now that I'm back on spironolactone and at a more typical, higher dose, I so far haven't experienced either of those problems. Of course, it may just be a matter of time.

[EasyE]

thanks for the reply - much appreciated! ... I guess I fear the body change aspect (well, I fear everyone else's reaction to the body change aspect since I'm not all the way out to most around me) ... I am warming up to the body change aspect more and more, though, which at some point (soon?!?) I will have to make decisions about.

[Keera]

Welcome IIa,I hope you find what you're searching for.We are all searching here and there is great experience to draw on.I have greatly benefitted from that experience.

You sound all in EasyE and I can't help but smile with joy for you.I have the very same feelings and just a few days ago secured my doctors' referral to a clinic for HRT.I think it's important to stay 'loose'.IThis whole process seems to have a mind of it's own and I am slow to interfere to much preferring to just follow the leads I'm given.It is super exciting though and equally daunting.The thought of femininity coursing through our being is just delicious.Best of luck

Love Keera

[EasyE]

19 minutes ago, Keera said:

The thought of femininity coursing through our being is just delicious.

That was a delicious sentence to read 😉

[andrea verse]

Hi lla...  

 

very new here myself, pardon the lack of a photo, had something i put together using AI that reflected what i felt, but it was a bit too real and did not want to mislead.     I have always been confused by the terms but your experience and description of bi-gender struck a chord with me.    I saw several responses that had similar descriptions to what i have felt all my life... a male with a bunch of defects.    i have been toggling back and forth between the two "me"s ever since i can remember, always very much in private and am envious of those who can and have been able to open up.    first time on any of these sites, and feels pretty good just to be able to talk about it a bit... 

[Ivy]

Welcome Andrea 

43 minutes ago, andrea verse said:

first time on any of these sites, and feels pretty good just to be able to talk about it a bit... 

It does feel good to be able to talk about these things in a safe place like this.

[MaeBe]

@Ila, hello! I missed your original post and am just seeing this thread now. Welcome!

 

You look lovely in that photo and so happy! I am glad you're here and hope to read more from you!

[Ila]

@andrea verse, welcome from another newbie on the forum, and I'm so glad you're finding this a good place to connect and talk about your experience! How have you been feeling about your gender lately? What's on your mind about it?

 

It's so nice to hear from folks on this thread. Thanks to everyone who's shown up to respond or say hi!