I enjoy transition but I feel trapped

[Paul Palmer]

I started HRT about 6 months ago and I really feel it's the right thing for me, even though I had lots of doubts about my identity. But the fact that I am dependent on hard-to-obtain medicine just keeps my head busy all the time. Possibility to get testosterone is the only thing that keeps me from going back to agony of not being able to control my body. I also had a hysterectomy so it is a health threat to be without hormones.

I have additional worries bc I am an immigrant from Russia. I had to have a 1-year history of psychiatric observation diagnosed with 'transsexuality' before getting gender recognition certificate, but commission allow us to skip it because Russia banned transition in 2023 and meny people like me didn't have a year. Now they're working on forced detransition of those who skipped the protocol and possible documents reversal may occur. So I had to escape as soon as possible. Now I am stuck with 4 months supply of my medicine in a country that has a significant supply problem (seems like I bought the last vial). I am planning to take a trip to some other country to find it, but I also think about what I am going to do if my passport will be claimed non-valid. I will probably be able to ask for an asylum but will not be available to move anywhere for the meds. 

This whole situation is devastating, I wasted 15 years of my life bc of dysphoria and now I keep waisting it due to having one of the most discriminated passports in the world due to Ukraine invasion started by my country. Even aside of that, is transition always a "Don't starve" game where you constantly seek for a thing that will make you last another couple of months? I surely choose that over dysphoria, but I hate it. I thought that I will feel safer in a place where LGBTQ+ people are not an 'extermist organization', like it is in my country now, and will have more resources for doing things I want to do in this life as the dysphoria ceases. In fact those resourses are all spent on finding the ways to survive, I can't even concentrate on work properly.

I even envy trans women here, even though they're getting the worst treatment from society, there's one point with more easy accessible HRT make me just hate the fact that I am trans man.

[Ivy]

I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

Sometimes we grumble here, but so many others have it even worse.

[Paul Palmer]

5 minutes ago, Ivy said:

so many others have it even worse.

I know, and I am glad that I had the possibilities to solve a bunch of problems in time. I experience both "things are good" and "things are bad" at the same time, can't wrap my head over survival mode yet as I expected it to be over.

[Vidanjali]

@Paul Palmer are you comfortable and safe telling us where you emigrated to? I am not on hrt, but from what I understand it's not necessarily the norm to remain in survival mode indefinitely as far as that is concerned. Apparently it depends very much on where you're living too and what access to healthcare and supplies you have. Are you settled where you are or do you consider yourself still on the move? If the latter, do you have a goal like a destination where there's better access to trans healthcare for men? I wish you well and will keep u in my prayers. 

[Ashley0616]

@Paul Palmer maybe if y'all could claim political asylum and come to the US or at least another country that would be a little easier to get HRT?

[Paul Palmer]

8 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

are you comfortable and safe telling us where you emigrated to?

It's Serbia

8 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Are you settled where you are or do you consider yourself still on the move? If the latter, do you have a goal like a destination where there's better access to trans healthcare for men?

I am not sure yet. My primary goal is to get passport of another country just because mine, even while valid, is not something you would want to posess, and Serbia is one of the fastest ways to do so

8 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

maybe if y'all could claim political asylum and come to the US or at least another country that would be a little easier to get HRT?

I am trying to avoid being a refugee bc it's the worst position and may end up with a truly survival mode speaking not only on hrt but also basic needs. A lot of people choose less friendly countries just to worry less and not waiting for years. Also travellers to South America with russian passports are massively banned now as the new immigration wave is expected very soon

[Ivy]

Good luck with it all.   And be safe.