So I am me, not completely sure what that is yet!

[Mallory Mayson]

So as the title says, I am really trying to deal with a lot of things later in life. I don’t really know where to start, so from the beginning I guess. My gender identity issues go back as far as I have memories. As a young child I wanted to wear the clothes the girls wore to school. Being from a very small, conservative, southern town, my mom was very quick to tell me that was wrong and boy wore boy clothes. This was the beginning of me internalizing a huge part of myself, my emotions, and who I feel like I am. After graduating, I was saving up to be able to move as far away as I could. I wanted to start over, really get to know me and who I am. I had a few thousand dollars saved, and was planning to move to out west. I researched cities out west, and had settled on a local. I had even called realtors to inquire about small apartments/rooms and how much it would cost. I felt like I needed to save a little more to ensure I had a place to stay for serval months, just in case I didn’t find a job quickly. I was working attending a community college and working two jobs. One very part time, and one close to full time. It was at the part time job that I met what I can only describe as my souls mate. She and I clicked in almost every way possible. I had a major decision, and choose to stay to be with her. I did start trying to explain things to her a little at a time.  She was open and supportive, but I think she viewed it as more a fetish at that point. Life happened and in my late 20’s I decided to all this behind me. I got rid of all my girl cloths, and tried to be the most manly guy possible. Things went bad pretty quickly, but I still fought to suppress it. After almost 10 years, I started going out alone as a female. I spent almost every second of my alone time that way. There were also some issues with depression for her and I at the time. Honestly, me trying to suppress deep rooted issues probably made it worse. Fast forward a few years, and we had a very important conversation. We discussed a lot, and everything was out in the open again. Things have been better between us, and individually for serval years now.  Pretty much only guy mode at work and around family/social functions. We had the opportunity to adopt our child 5 years ago. I do not fully dress around them now, but still to some degree. Things are so much better these days, but for about a year I can not stop the what if thoughts. The more I try to blend the two sides of me, I see that their is only really one side. I am and have always been feminine. I still go out in public regularly, but she has still never been out of our house with me. I love the fact that I can be me and I am able to freely be out and about as me. The problem is that so much of my life is her and without her there with me, it feels lonely. Sometimes I wonder why I even told her. I would give anything to experience my life with her. She has said a few time over the years that she is not ready to go out with me, and may never be. This hurts so bad. We have spent weeks together at home with me presenting female. We cuddle, watch tv, have dinner ect, like it is completely ok. For her I think it would solidify what we both already know, but purposely do not discuss. Even though we have had many hard, emotional, and uncomfortable conversations, the whole “transition ” thing has never been brought up by either of us. I love my wife, I love my family, and honestly that is the only reason I did not and have not. However, I don’t feel like I can stuff anymore down inside of me. I am not asking for full transition, but just is the be able to share experiences and life together completely outside of home. Maybe it is just me being in my 40’s and having a midlife crisis. Maybe it is that I know my time here is half over, and I not not been completely me ever. 
 

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I just started typing and it all came out. Any suggestions, similar experiences ect would be greatly appreciated! If you made it though this long, totally rambling introduction, maybe say hi!

[Mmindy]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums 

 

Mallory, You never need to apologize for long posts here. Believe it or not many of us want to read the details. You’re among like minded people here. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated 

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Mallory Mayson]

Thank you so much! I am new to forums of this type, and actually extremely nervous. I can tend to ramble at times, when I am nervous. However, I feel like this is probably my best outlet for these thoughts and feelings at the moment.

15 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

Welcome

 

[Ashley0616]

Hi Mallory,

 

That wasn't long at all so no need to apologize. Plus you wanted to go into detail which is awesome that you are opening up to us. I'm going to 40 in June 16. I knew I was trans before I even heard the word. I created a fake life at the time as a kid. Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bulls were the best in the 90's so I said that I like them. Basketball was a stress reliever for me. I pretended I was in the Ole Miss college basketball female team even though when asked I would say I was imagining playing with the Chicago Bulls. I knew I had to fake it because I knew that my parents wouldn't support me. I joined the military and couldn't come out because of don't ask don't tell policy and if I did I would've gotten a dishonorable discharge. I finally got to live off base and would dress up in my apartment not out and about. I felt disgusted and quit for a while even though knowing full and well it was bringing me happiness. I got married a few times and it still didn't suppress the feelings. During the third marriage I couldn't handle it anymore and decided to come out. She went back and forth on the support and then one day just abandoned me out of the blue. I heard the car start and couldn't get outside fast enough. I texted and said to leave her alone. I really tried to be with her and she just couldn't handle it. Unfortunately still married to her but on June 17 I'll be able to file for divorce under abandonment. I have tried to get into multiple other relationships after and was viewed as a fetish and that was about it. I did get engaged once but it came and went because they stopped wanting to learn about me which is a turn off to me. I hate being alone even though I have two boys but they can't help me in the area I need help in. I came out on April 17 last year and have been hormones for 10 months now. Hormones have helped but I still go through a roller coaster of feelings. I'll be tested for borderline personality disorder on the 29th. Which would explain my mood changes so quickly and sometimes without notice. I am able to keep it to myself for the most part so my boys don't know and I'm hoping to keep it that way. Hormones have brought on some physical changes and looking forward to growing hips and a butt. I'm fully transitioning myself but I respect others that don't want to. I don't own any male clothes. Looking forward to hearing more about you!

[Mallory Mayson]

Thank you!! I am really just kind of lost right now. I feel torn, and just don’t know how to make it better. I am so afraid of losing everything I have known and loved for over half my life, but also afraid of loosing myself at the same time. It has consumed my thoughts for almost a year now. She holds me, touches me, and treats me like a girl a good bit, we even make love that way most of the time. We do each others nails, wax together, shoo together. She buys me makeup, cloths, cute stuff in general. I think part of her is truly ok with it. However, I can tell when it gets “to real”. When that happens she will use my male name over and over or refer to me as “her man”. I fell like for her she doesn’t know how that makes me feel. 

[Mmindy]

2 minutes ago, Mallory Mayson said:

I am really just kind of lost right now. I feel torn, and just don’t know how to make it better. I am so afraid of losing everything I have known and loved for over half my life, but also afraid of loosing myself at the same time. It has consumed my thoughts for almost a year now.

Mallory,

 

Many of us experience the same thing. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I would recommend a gender therapist if you can find one.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Mallory Mayson]

Over the past week, I  have actually researched therapist in our are that deal with gender issues. I am trying to work up the nerve to have that conversation with my wife. I am just so afraid that she will see it as I have made my mind up, with or without her. Does that make any sense at all?

[Ashley0616]

Conversation with her will definitely be the key! She probably does know how you feel about dead naming but may not understand how bad it hurts. It would be nice if that was a public announcement that we hate being deadnamed. I know how you feel. Last weekend I only got deadnamed Even the sister that calls me by Ashley did it too! It hurt really bad. I should really let them know how it makes me feel. 

[Mmindy]

2 minutes ago, Mallory Mayson said:

I am just so afraid that she will see it as I have made my mind up, with or without her. Does that make any sense at all?

Yes, it makes perfect sense to me. My wife is a reluctant supporter of my transition, and while she attended the first few therapy sessions with me. She stopped because she felt like the therapist was ganging up on her. That's okay, because the therapy sessions are to help me find peace with myself.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Mallory Mayson]

13 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

Conversation with her will definitely be the key! She probably does know how you feel about dead naming but may not understand how bad it hurts. It would be nice if that was a public announcement that we hate being deadnamed. I know how you feel. Last weekend I only got deadnamed Even the sister that calls me by Ashley did it too! It hurt really bad. I should really let them know how it makes me feel. 

And in her defense I very much use it in my daily life. I mean 1/2 of my closet belongs to him, the other half to her. However, they are increasingly becoming the same person and have always been if I was honest. 
BTW I just looked at your profile and we are only about 4 hours apart! That is wild, and a tiny bit scary!!! I didn’t think I would bump into someone that close here.

[Ashley0616]

1 minute ago, Mallory Mayson said:

And in her defense I very much use it in my daily life. I mean 1/2 of my closet belongs to him, the other half to her. However, they are increasingly becoming the same person and have always been if I was honest. 
BTW I just looked at your profile and we are only about 4 hours apart! That is wild, and a tiny bit scary!!! I didn’t think I would bump into someone that close here.

Maybe she really doesn't know. That's awesome! Finally someone who isn't too far. Maybe one day we could meet for drinks and who knows maybe she'll come along too! I do want to let you know there is a trans group for ones in Mississippi. www.transprogram.org. There are a good few locals! 

[Ivy]

Welcome Mallory.

[Mallory Mayson]

@Ashley0616I really don’t know for sure. We have had lengthy discussions about me just being who I am. Although, I know the thought of it terrifies her. Living where we live, it would be a pretty big ordeal! At this point I don’t know if I want it to be completely all the time. Also I don’t know how much of that is because of the effect it would have on us and our relationships, or of maybe I am just very feminine leaning fluid. 
 

I would love to have a friend that understands. I have never had that.  We live very close to MSU btw.

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, Mallory Mayson said:

@Ashley0616I really don’t know for sure. We have had lengthy discussions about me just being who I am. Although, I know the thought of it terrifies her. Living where we live, it would be a pretty big ordeal! At this point I don’t know if I want it to be completely all the time. Also I don’t know how much of that is because of the effect it would have on us and our relationships, or of maybe I am just very feminine leaning fluid. 
 

I would love to have a friend that understands. I have never had that.  We live very close to MSU btw.

Oh gross the Bulldogs!! LOL

[April Marie]

Welcome, Mallory. You'll find many of us here torn between the world we lived for decades and the world we dream of and get to spend just part of our lives in. I buried my reality for decades finally succumbing to the dysphoria and depression to the point where my wife actually confronted me. I gushed it all out - probably not the safest approach - and we began to find our way to a new reality for us both.

 

My wife is more important to me than my life and so I know I will never fully transition. But, over the past year+ I've made tremendous headway in understanding who I am, embracing that person and finding peace. We've actually grown stronger although it was certainly challenging at times. But, we've made it.

 

So, I spend part of my week "pretending" to be that guy although much more androgynously than before. I've let me hair grow out and had my ears pierced, always wear panties and a bra under my clothes. The rest of the week is spent as the real me with the full support and encouragement of my wife.

 

Today we went clothes shopping at our local Talbot's Outlet where we each got new outfits and then hit several other stores where I bought androgynous clothing for those "other" times.

 

And, my wife bought me my first purse.

 

It can work out. Transition can mean whatever makes you feel comfortable and happy. It just takes time, communications and understanding.

 

And, I highly recommend, a good gender therapist. I work entirely on line with mine - have for over a year and it has literally saved my life.

 

Best wishes!! Jump in where you feel comfortable. Ask questions. We're happy you found us.

[LC]

welcome Mallory. this is a wonderful place and i'm glad you found us.

[Mallory Mayson]

33 minutes ago, LC said:

welcome Mallory. this is a wonderful place and i'm glad you found us.

Thank you so much. I think I am glad I found you guys too!

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, @Mallory Mayson. A lot of what you wrote in your intro resonated with me. My wife totally accepts anything I wear to express my femininity, to let my inner woman have her way, but only in the house or worn discreetly out of the house.

 

It is so hard to want to do more but to not upset our wives. Mine is terrified of 'losing me' to be replaced by a woman who she doesn't want. I seem to be forever telling her that I don't want to transition, that I'm the same guy who she married, that I'm just in a different wrapper now and that it makes me feel lovely.

 

You're not alone here.

[Mallory Mayson]

On 3/24/2024 at 6:53 AM, Mirrabooka said:

Welcome aboard, @Mallory Mayson. A lot of what you wrote in your intro resonated with me. My wife totally accepts anything I wear to express my femininity, to let my inner woman have her way, but only in the house or worn discreetly out of the house.

 

It is so hard to want to do more but to not upset our wives. Mine is terrified of 'losing me' to be replaced by a woman who she doesn't want. I seem to be forever telling her that I don't want to transition, that I'm the same guy who she married, that I'm just in a different wrapper now and that it makes me feel lovely.

 

You're not alone here.

Thank you! At this point(and from the first day I met her 25 years ago) she has been my other half, my soulmate, and we share everything. She has known about most of this since we got married. I have told her a little more and a little more along the day. Maybe some of it is my fault for not being completely honest in the beginning. Part of me wishes I could go back and start over completely transitioned, then part of me would not change anything. 
Again thanks for the encouragement!!

[Mirrabooka]

@Mallory Mayson you're more than welcome. 

 

No, you've done the right thing by revealing a little bit at a time throughout your marriage, in my opinion. At the end of the day, we deal with our situations by doing what seems right at the time.

 

My wife still doesn't know that the first time I tried on a pair of panties, I was only 9 or 10. She only knows that the first time that I wore them in front of her was for bedroom fun years after we married. Things have progressed since then and I wear panties and nighties full time, bras often, but everything has to be discreet.

 

I want to go further too, but I don't actually feel the absolute need to, so I don't. My wife isn't ready for me to be found out even though I tell her that I'm willing to deal with it at the time if I am. 

 

Have you considered growing your hair and your nails? Becoming more womanly ex clothing?

[Mallory Mayson]

On 3/26/2024 at 6:02 AM, Mirrabooka said:

 

Have you considered growing your hair and your nails? Becoming more womanly ex clothing?

I have had long hair, right now it is short but kind of girly. My nails are a little long, and usually shaped and cleared. I don’t wear color to work and family functions. I work with robots in tech industry so they can’t be really long. Except for the clothes I wear to work, most are woman’s cloths. I wear mostly women’s t-shirts, jeans, and athletic pants. I usually buy woman’s sneakers (white OnClouds, grey New Balances, even a white, teal, and purple pair of Air Max). My toenails are always done, we usually do each other’s nails. I am completely waxed most of the time. I even wear Victoria Secret’s Very Sexy perfume daily. My wife actually accepts and is very involved in all of this. Like to the point that most of our intimacy is largely feminine(not completely sure how to say that in a PG way). I have just felt feelings of there being more for so long, and that is where I get in my head about things.

[Abigail Genevieve]

Probably the best thing you can do here is to read through threads that interest you and learn what other people have gone through and are going through. You are not alone - it is one thing to say it, another to find people who walk the same road you do.

[Mallory Mayson]

55 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

Probably the best thing you can do here is to read through threads that interest you and learn what other people have gone through and are going through. You are not alone - it is one thing to say it, another to find people who walk the same road you do.

That is kind of what I have been doing. Just kind of taking it all in. Thank you.