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Early days of HRT


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So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"

 

I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.

 

I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."

 

Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...

 

I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...

 

All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all! 

 

EasyE

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1 hour ago, EasyE said:

I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet.

We're in the same boat in regards to not having a declared endgame. I think it's important to know that you want to take a step though, even if you don't know where the path will lead you. So congratulations for your decision!

 

My wife will ask if I "want to be a woman" and in her mind that means the ultimate surgery. In my head, wanting to be a woman is a tough question. Does presenting to the world as feminine make me a woman? If so, then yes I do. I am on a precipice, socially femme, but professionally still male (isn't it odd that just typing that makes me feel uneasy?). I feel this build up that's putting a lot of subconscious pressure on me. This feeds those evenings of anxiety and it will likely come to a head in an awful way.

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11 hours ago, MaeBe said:

We're in the same boat in regards to not having a declared endgame. I think it's important to know that you want to take a step though, even if you don't know where the path will lead you. So congratulations for your decision!

 

My wife will ask if I "want to be a woman" and in her mind that means the ultimate surgery. In my head, wanting to be a woman is a tough question. Does presenting to the world as feminine make me a woman? If so, then yes I do. I am on a precipice, socially femme, but professionally still male (isn't it odd that just typing that makes me feel uneasy?). I feel this build up that's putting a lot of subconscious pressure on me. This feeds those evenings of anxiety and it will likely come to a head in an awful way.

The same boat indeed... sometimes when I come on here, I read other people typing my exact thoughts... 😉

 

I think it was you a few weeks ago who wrote about your desire to "present feminine" and that turned a light on for me. That's it! There is this very strong urge in me to present myself as feminine to the world around me. What does that mean? That I am a woman or just that I have a strong feminine dimension to myself? I have long since understood it is about much more than fashion.

 

It has been this way since I started wearing girls underwear in grade school. I would dare myself to go to school that way, on the one hand feverishly trying to hide what I had on underneath my jeans/shorts (lest I get caught and totally humiliated). Yet, also proud of the underwear I had on and what it represented and somehow wanting the world to know. What a crazy world... 

 

Blessings to you @MaeBe! Thanks for the feedback!

 

Easy

 

 

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12 minutes ago, EasyE said:

What does that mean? That I am a woman or just that I have a strong feminine dimension to myself? I have long since understood it is about much more than fashion.

 

I think this question is interesting, important, and potentially impossible to answer. In my case, at various times throughout my life, I have said to myself, "I want to be a woman", or "I want to live as a woman". Does that mean that, now I am 18 months into physical transition, I am a woman? All I can say is that sometimes I feel I am and sometimes I don't, and I don't know if that will ever change. So I try not to worry about it, and to focus on tangible steps I can take towards becoming more comfortable in my body: HRT, hair removal, hair transplants, voice training, tracheal shave, other surgeries which I may or may not decide are necessary. Also on how best to present myself so that I feel proud and happy and others treat me as I want to be treated. In my view, it is societal conditioning that makes many of us see transition as a journey from one binary to another, and I think many of us would be happier if we could let go of that conditioning.

 

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My endo still has me on pills, and sometimes my work schedule has me taking them there.

 

Now that I'm out to so many people there I sometimes feel like I should show them a dose and say, check out these little things that have been so big for me. 

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4 hours ago, MirandaB said:

My endo still has me on pills, and sometimes my work schedule has me taking them there.

 

Now that I'm out to so many people there I sometimes feel like I should show them a dose and say, check out these little things that have been so big for me. 

 

I totally get your excitement about it, @MirandaB.  But I would just add a word of caution about discussing medications or divulging too much info to non-family members. It's your choice, though.

 

Carolyn Marie

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I feel like I should show them in a totally not-really-gonna-show-them mode. 

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Congratulations! @EasyE!  Yes, it's early but you will know when things are really changing vs wondering.  I also had a big drop off in the 'need' for the 'Big M" (I think I know what you are talking about 🤔😊).  I actually found that to be very comforting. 

It took 2 or 3 months for me to feel the full emotional and biological effects (Yes!  Boobs!) and after a year that is still going on (but much slower and subtle now). 

 

I am not expecting I will do much of anything in the GRS area, BUT I do know I will never, ever go backwards wrt HRT.

 

Everybody is different ... so ... Enjoy the Ride!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went to the pharmacy for my first refill today. Has it already been four weeks? (I know, it is still WAY, WAY early in the process).

 

I still strongly feel this is the path I want to take. I debated asking my doc for the next dose up but decided to go at least one more month on the "beginner's" patch. 

 

Has anything changed? Maybe in a subtle way? Is my skin a little softer? Are things getting smaller down below? Do I feel more feminine? I laugh at myself just writing these things. I do marvel that I am adding a dose of feminine hormones to my body. Girl things! It feels right. And I like those days when I pretty much forget that the patch is even there, just quietly doing its lady-like business...

 

I will try to check in from time to time with updates, as I know folks (like me) appreciate learning about others' experiences. Got questions? Feedback? I'm here. 

 

Blessings to you all!

 

Easy

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20 hours ago, EasyE said:

I went to the pharmacy for my first refill today. Has it already been four weeks? (I know, it is still WAY, WAY early in the process).

 

I still strongly feel this is the path I want to take. I debated asking my doc for the next dose up but decided to go at least one more month on the "beginner's" patch. 

 

Has anything changed? Maybe in a subtle way? Is my skin a little softer? Are things getting smaller down below? Do I feel more feminine? I laugh at myself just writing these things. I do marvel that I am adding a dose of feminine hormones to my body. Girl things! It feels right. And I like those days when I pretty much forget that the patch is even there, just quietly doing its lady-like business...

 

I will try to check in from time to time with updates, as I know folks (like me) appreciate learning about others' experiences. Got questions? Feedback? I'm here. 

 

Blessings to you all!

 

Easy

 

When you are sure you want to continue your HRT journey and the best dosage for you, consider asking your doctor for a three month prescription cycle (90 days rather than 30). This can result for some in considerable savings. It definitely did for me...

 

I am at the 4 year 5 month mark for my estrogen patches and am so glad I made the decision to go forward. 

 

Best wishes!

 

Astrid 

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On 4/14/2024 at 9:59 PM, EasyE said:

I still strongly feel this is the path I want to take. I debated asking my doc for the next dose up but decided to go at least one more month on the "beginner's" patch. 

I am on a three month review cycle for dosage. Do you have a plan with your doctor? I didn't discuss overall strategy when I got my prescription, it was a very long appointment. I was able to ask via web message to get a better idea; we'll check blood every 3 months and titrate accordingly. I don't know if we'll change labs to 6mo after a year or not, but that's where I'm at now. I, too, was like "is this enough?" at the start. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I've seen positive results during the months at a lower dose and continue to notice changes. For instance, my skin sensitivity is much higher. I always wondered why my wife was so ticklish, but I'm starting to understand why. I'll bet I am 20-40% more sensitive to touch than I was before; gently tickling my arm (I would wake up doing this sometimes, up and down my arms) now makes my fingers tingle...in a good way. :)

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I'm at 11 months and definitely feel much better! I did go through rollercoaster of emotions. I'm looking forward to year 2 and hopefully fill out more. congratulations on making it this far and you are correct that you are in the early stages.

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    • RaineOnYourParade
      happy trans birthday! I can't speak personally on the subject, but I hope hormones bring you the changes you're looking for <3 
    • MaeBe
      That’s super healthy, to see that something that becomes common has less effect on you and that you are able to decipher these feelings.   Sadly, this trend tends to only deaden good feelings as we tend not to let bad feelings attenuate the same way.   I have noticed less euphoria, but still feel the dysphorias that I have. Sometimes the good sneaks in and reminds me, but often time it’s just me seeing myself in the mirror and being comfortable about what I see when embracing my realized self. I may not get the same buzz I once did, but I don’t feel incongruous when looking at a more “drab” reflection.    Wishing you strength, you are amazing!
    • KayC
      Congratulations! and Happy Trans Birthday @LittleSam! That is such a BIG milestone.  I can still remember walking out of my clinic with my first HRT presciption.  I was on Cloud-9.  Wishing you all the best in the start of your new Journey!
    • missyjo
      maebe thank you I try to be. I thank God for blessings, try to share them, beg forgiveness for my shortcomings n vow to try to do better...2 priests have said no, God doesn't condemn you just for being trans...but apparently evangelicals do   I shall vtry dear thank you  
    • MaeBe
      Meet him at the being good to others part of Christianity. At the heart of it, there are excellent tenets of the faith. Those that condemn are judging, Jesus would have us be selfless; stone casting and all that. Are you a good person? Are you putting good into the world? If your gender is an issue for God, let God judge. In the mortal realm, let your actions be heard. 
    • missyjo
      and just fi sweeten it..I'm catholic n he hasn't been for years..he's evangelical..whatever that is
    • MaeBe
      Let’s stick to cite-able fact. Most of my posts have been directly in relation to LGBTQ+ rights as it pertains to P2025 and I have drawn direct links between people, their quotes, and their agenda. I have made reference to the cronyism that P2025 would entail as well, by gutting, not cutting, broad swathes of government and replacing it with “conservative warriors” (I can get you the direct quote, but rest assured it’s a quote). All this does is constantly force the cogs to be refitted, not their movement. To say that agencies have directly defied a President is a bit much, the EPA did what Trump told them to do at the direct harm to the environment, the department of agriculture did the same by enacting the administrations forced move to KC which decimated the USDA.      How about Betsy DeVoss for Education? Or Bannon for anything? What about the revolving Chief of Staff position that Trump couldn’t stay filled? Or the Postmaster General, who did much to make the USPS worse?   Let’s not mix politics with racism, sexism, or any other ism. Because Trump made mainly white, male, appointments—many of them not, arguably, people fit for service—or unwilling to commit to term. I can argue this because, again, he’s up for election and will do what he did before (and more of the same, his words).   Please delineate how the selected diversity appointments have negatively affected the US, other than being black, women, or queer? Representation matters and America benefits when its people are inspired and empowered.
    • missyjo
      ok ladies if I've asked this before I'm sorry please delete    ok so I have 2vsiblings..one is overly religious..n preachy n domineering..so he keeps trying to talk with me n I'd like to..but he always falls into this all knowing all wise domineering preachy thing tjaz tells me he's praying for christ to beat Satan for control of my soul..which is doomed to hell bc I'm transgender    I'd like to try to have a civil conversation n try to set him strait n gsin a cooperation n real conversation    any suggestions?
    • missyjo
      abigail darling what about extensions or a wig? be brave n hang in there  to thine own self be true  good luck
    • RaineOnYourParade
      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As far as I'm aware, he wasn't -- he just sometimes wore skirts, which was why it was a question in the first place.   In my opinion, part of that is because of the way press spares attention on issues like that. As a bit of a true crime nut and what I see: Child predator cases' (and cases of a sexual nature in general) press focus on those with an AMAB perpetrator generally, and very rarely are AFAB perpetrators given much press time or even getting tried due to a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into. Because of this, when you see these types of cases and a boy is the victim, it's almost always a queer person who is the one who committed a crime that gets press. Therefore, with the amount of cases seen with this type of perpetrator (and due to the fact "99% of queer people are not sexual criminals" doesn't attract eyes), the human brain can kind of naturally makes an association with it. It's not right, but it's also a fault I think falls partially on the media.   That's all my opinion, though!   This is extra confusing to me, as a feminine man is usually viewed as gay. If someone is refusing the acknowledge the existence of trans people, then gay would be the societal connection that comes after, I think. So, that sorta implies that trans women wouldn't be interested in women in the first place by those assumptions? Of course, trans lesbians exist (most trans women I know like women, actually), but it's a little ridiculous to me that people will deny trans people's existence, call all feminine AMAB people gay, and say that trans people are looking to peep all in the same breath.   Wow, this was a lot longer of a response than I was planning to write--
    • Abigail Genevieve
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    • Abigail Genevieve
      I am not sure why people are in favor of unaccountable agencies with bloated budgets and wasteful spending. 
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