The Inevitably Awkward Intro

[MAN8791]

Hi, I'm . . . . let's go with initials for now. M.A. works. I've been out as genderfluid for about a year but finding I have more questions about my identity now than I did this time last year. I'm AFAB, in my mid forties, widowed parent with three teens (god help me!).

 

I have a new therapist as of two weeks ago, a decision I made with the help of my previous therapist and my new one specializes in LGBTQ+ needs so very well equipped to deal with my hot mess. We started screening for gender dysphoria this week and my response to almost every question she asked was "wait, that's not normal?" I don't live in a particularly sheltered bubble but somehow I seem to be much better at recognizing when my friends are struggling, than when I'm struggling myself.

 

I'm a freelance writer and graphic designer, and in my "free time" (lol, TWO of my offspring are theatre/band/choir kids, and the third is an aspiring screenwriter, y'all can imagine the sheer chaos easily) I write plays/musicals, and poetry.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, M.A.  Welcome to Transgender Pulse!

 

I am sure you will find a lot of people with similar stories to your own.  Feel free to ask questions and share your experiences.  THis is one of the most supportive forums.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[RaineOnYourParade]

Welcome to the party, M.A.

 

3 hours ago, MAN8791 said:

widowed parent with three teens (god help me!).

 

 

Sounds chaotic haha, I can confidently say that living with only two children the same age is stressful enough, much less three!

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, M.A.! We’re happy that you found us. Jump in where you feel comfortable!

[Abigail Genevieve]

Welcome.   This can be a good sounding board and a place to say things you otherwise could not. Be yourself. Find out what that is.

 

Abby

[Mmindy]

Good afternoon M.A.

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, I think you'll find that there are a lot of us who had their first therapist reconsidering our story and recommended us to gender or LGBTQIA specific therapist. I made my first therapist cry after asking me what was my worst experience or memory. She was not prepared for the can of worms I brought to the couch. My second therapist is a gem, she's my age and knows how to work with my thoughts. 

 

My two kids were also involved in the arts programs in school one in theater, the other combined art and modern music.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

 Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

 

[EasyE]

Welcome to the forums! Writer and graphic artist (and photographer) here as well, though most of my life has been spent in the sports realm... bless you with three teenagers!! I have two and they are a handful ... I have found a lot of encouragement and help on this forum... Hope you do as well... Blessings on your journey ahead ... 

 

Easy

[MAN8791]

1 hour ago, Mmindy said:

Good afternoon M.A.

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, I think you'll find that there are a lot of us who had their first therapist reconsidering our story and recommended us to gender or LGBTQIA specific therapist. I made my first therapist cry after asking me what was my worst experience or memory. She was not prepared for the can of worms I brought to the couch. My second therapist is a gem, she's my age and knows how to work with my thoughts. 

 

My two kids were also involved in the arts programs in school one in theater, the other combined art and modern music.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

 Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

 

 

For me, with my former therapist, it was almost more like a frog in a pot slowly coming to a boil - I don't think either of us realized the scope of what we were dealing with until fairly recently. And she helped me find my new practitioner, which was incredibly helpful too <3 It feels very strange and new - I've framed this, whatever this is, as 'being bad at being female' for literal decades, since puberty really, and the idea that maybe it's not my fault, that I've never done anything 'wrong,' is a little overwhelming.

[April Marie]

Oh, the guilt can be overwhelming, can't it? It's kind of like the joke about the difference between Protestants and Catholics.

 

Protestants have sex without guilt.

 

Catholics have guilt without sex.

 

It seems as if guilt is just a natural by product of our gender identity confusion whether we have any awareness of it or not. We feel different and so we blame ourselves for not feeling as others say we should.

 

What a tremendously uplifting moment it is when we can finally shed that guilt. Bask in the relief, M.A.

 

And having the right therapist seems so crucial to me. I had, fortunately, a very quick and strong connection and trust in my therapist. She was a life saver for me. Literally.

 

Again, welcome to TGP!!

[MAN8791]

25 minutes ago, April Marie said:

 

It seems as if guilt is just a natural by product of our gender identity confusion whether we have any awareness of it or not. We feel different and so we blame ourselves for not feeling as others say we should.

 

 

Oof, this hits hard. Thank you 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

On 5/2/2024 at 4:11 PM, MAN8791 said:

 I'm AFAB, in my mid forties, widowed parent with three teens (god help me!).

 

Just know that your kids will probably turn out OK, in spite of the chaos.  One of my partners was widowed in her very early 30s, left with 3 kids.  They're teens now, and one graduated a year ago and is working, but still living at home.  A few bumps in the road, but the three are turning into responsible young adults.  It is amazing how resilient kids can be.  They should be able to handle your changes as well.

[Sally Stone]

Welcome to the wide, wild world of transgender, M.A.  It can definitively be overwhelming, but everyone here is amazing, so no doubt you'll get bunches of wonderful support. I think you'll be happy you found us.   

[MAN8791]

21 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

 

Just know that your kids will probably turn out OK, in spite of the chaos.  One of my partners was widowed in her very early 30s, left with 3 kids.  They're teens now, and one graduated a year ago and is working, but still living at home.  A few bumps in the road, but the three are turning into responsible young adults.  It is amazing how resilient kids can be.  They should be able to handle your changes as well.

 

Kids are resiliant with therapy and strong support ;-) 

 

They were all elementary age when their dad died and are teens now, and how they've grown and developed as young people, already, takes my breath away.

 

I'm working on communicating changes clearly and without shame, which is difficult basically all the time because of feeling guilty over doing gender "wrong" for so long. Working on that myself! <3 

[Abigail Genevieve]

1 hour ago, MAN8791 said:

 

 without shame, which is difficult basically all the time because of feeling guilty over doing gender "wrong" for so long. Working on that myself! <3 

Society is preserved by passing on proper roles for people, which works for the 90+ percent that it works for.

 

We were all taught from an early age that breaking out of the classification was a shameful thing, even when, actually, it is not. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

4 hours ago, MAN8791 said:

 

Kids are resiliant with therapy and strong support ;-) 

 

They were all elementary age when their dad died and are teens now, and how they've grown and developed as young people, already, takes my breath away.

 

I'm working on communicating changes clearly and without shame, which is difficult basically all the time because of feeling guilty over doing gender "wrong" for so long. Working on that myself! <3 

 

Yes, resilient, for sure.  Ours were elementary/middle school age when their father died.  The girl took it really hard, losing her father.  My husband has been there as friend, counselor, and stepfather.  He was a dear friend of their father, and he has put in a lot of effort to raise them.  The eldest son is now his secretary, aide, and driver at work.

 

Since I'm young-ish and not their primary parent(s), I have the role of being an older friend to them.  They don't seem to have any issues with my gender.  I'm just Jen, and everybody knows that Jen is a little different.

[MAN8791]

20 hours ago, Abigail Genevieve said:

Society is preserved by passing on proper roles for people, which works for the 90+ percent that it works for.

 

We were all taught from an early age that breaking out of the classification was a shameful thing, even when, actually, it is not. 

 

Both of my parents were raised in WASP-ish families. What was or wasn't appropriate, with an emphasise on superficial appropriateness (conformity) was verbally beaten into me the second I hit puberty.

 

Which is really sad as I think back, and was bewildering at the time. I remember being really free to be expressive how I wanted to and then once I started puberty, all of that freedom disappeared and I didn't understand, at all.

[Vidanjali]

On 5/4/2024 at 3:56 PM, MAN8791 said:

I've framed this, whatever this is, as 'being bad at being female' for literal decades, since puberty really, and the idea that maybe it's not my fault, that I've never done anything 'wrong,' is a little overwhelming.

 

Welcome, @MAN8791. I relate to this so much. I'm roughly the same age as you, afab & nonbinary. For decades, I beat myself up for being a "broken" girl/woman. And I tried my darndest for many of those years to perform woman successfully. While outwardly I may have seemed "a success", inwardly the effort and dysphoria caused me so much anxiety, panic, and depression that it eventually became unsustainable. For me, the first step was letting go of identifying as "broken". Next, I allowed myself to be however I am. And very rapidly I felt better - in fact, initially I felt ecstatic. The door was open for me to really learn about self-love and therefore love itself. 

[Ivy]

Well, welcome M.A.

Several of my now grown kids were involved in theater in school.  And one is now a graphic designer.

[Davie]

On 5/2/2024 at 5:11 PM, MAN8791 said:

I have more questions about my identity now than I did this time last year.

Welcome to the forums, M.A. Duh . . . more questions came up for me,too--but I'm finding they don't have to be solved all at once. One thing at a time as I ask for help works for me. Keep coming back.  —Davie