Struggling

[FelixThePickleMan]

My mom found a vape of mine and this is the third time. I hid it out in the garage but she found it because I looked suspicious and now shes mad at me again which makes sense but she told me not to bring it in the house so I figured the garage was okay. But I know I should just stop but its something that I enjoy doing. I do it with my buddies and I do it alone. The one she found was a different, typically I have weed but today I had nic, but still, I know I should quit. Not because it's bad for me but because its hurting the relationship that I barley have with my mother and that's tough but for some reason I want to have my cake a and eat it too, but that isn't possible. I finally understand that phrase now, well I already understood it but now I really understand because I'm living it. and with that my mom most likely will pull me out of the school that I'm at now because that's when I started, this year. I've always had an interest in weed the way I have an interest of anything else. To me it's no different than the other things I'm interested in but this just happens to be a drug. I know I should quit I know it's wrong and I know that I'm choosing to do it, because I like it and I think in order for me to stop is to not like it anymore otherwise I most likely will continue. I know its sad but unfortunately it is true I know I'll have to quit before I go in the Marines so maybe I'll stop then. I smoke because I don't have anything else to do initially but now I smoke because I don't have anything to do and I  like it. Even when I did basketball I still was high, and I still played in fact I played better. I do everything better when I'm high I'm like a better version of myself, I can let go and let the me on the inside show on the outside with no fear, my creativity flows like Niagara falls just a contunious stream of creative output and innovative ideas that leave a good impression on others. I'm better to be around when high. I like myself better when I'm high.

[VickySGV]

@FelixThePickleManI and at least 3 or 4 others here on the Forums are in recovery (a couple of us over 15 years) from drugs and alcohol. Any drug, legal or not so, including abused prescription drugs (me) is potentially addictive and you need some help and uplift to break that cycle.  At first you do feel better by using your substance of choice, I know I did, but the substance takes over our lives, because for us they are cunning, baffling and POWERFUL and too much for us to control.  It was during my recovery from my alcohol and drug abuse that I first fully and with a lot of fear, but a desire to be honest came out to a group that actually turned out to be wholly supportive both of my recovery and encouraging me to get into things that would forward me toward my Transition.  Let us help you feel better about yourself without the substance since without the substance you can actually meet the challenges you face to become the best self you can be.  The goal is to like yourself every day without the false gods that chemicals can become, because they want to destroy us not help us live. We deserve to be happy and able to work and live our lives. PM me if you need some one-on-one and do the same with the others who will respond to you here.  A choral group I am part of sang a song in a concert last week that tells us that we Trans are OK and great, it is the people in the village around us that are the real grief in our lives, but here you are in  a village on-line that will support you.  

[Vidanjali]

@FelixThePickleMan your post reveals a lot of insight, but also mixed with denial. Your desire to strengthen your relationship with your mother is admirable, but it cannot be the sole motivating factor to your giving up an addictive behavior. However, your love for your mother and desire for her love will help strengthen your resolve. But that resolve needs to come from your own will. You say you smoke because you have nothing else to do and you believe you are a better person when you're high. You must come to understand that the creative and charismatic energy that drugs seem to unleash is potentially in you at all times. Make it your project to figure out how to tap into that and channel it without using drugs. Make that your thing to do. It's a challenging and exciting thing to do. 

 

I started smoking cigarettes at age 15. In my late teens, a good friend observed that smoking was the only time she ever saw me calm. That was profound for me. It took a few more years, but eventually I had the epiphany in which I saw my life as nothing but a string of tedium in between each cigarette. It seemed so pathetic to me and that motivated me to give up smoking and learn to live life differently. My story of addiction is much longer and more entailed, but I will focus only on smoking here as it is relevant. 

 

And as I reflect on it, I also should comment on your belief that you have to stop liking the habit before you can quit. That is not a necessary condition for one to quit. In fact, if that were so, hardly anyone would ever quit any bad habit. More accurately, you come to dislike the person you have become while in the grip of the bad, addictive habit. Not in a self-loathing kind of way, as that will not motivate you, but rather depress you. In other words, you come to a place where you are able to take a subjective view of yourself and your life and decide that you want something else, something better. And sometimes that only happens when you hit the lowest point in your life and there's nowhere to go but up. Don't let yourself get even close to that state, if you can help it - and you can help it.

 

Weed seems to imbue all your activity with a kind of a magical quality. This makes the world, your activities, and yourself much better with weed. But all that is an illusion. Your proof is that it's artificially invoked, only temporary, and destructive to your relationship with your mother. If I may be so bold, frankly, it is a cop out. You have the potential in you to see your life, the world, and yourself as beautiful, captivating, and wonderous without altering your mind. In fact, it is in clearing your mind that you are able to glimpse this. You want something productive to do? Develop a workout routine. Take up meditating. Learn mindfulness techniques which you can practice throughout the day. The magic is in quieting the mind and being present. There is no instant intensity like you get with weed. But you gain power within yourself, and you are the very source. Become addicted to that - that is a good addiction and you will progressively see your life and relationships in a new and brighter light.

 

 

[Mmindy]

14 hours ago, FelixThePickleMan said:

I'll have to quit before I go in the Marines so maybe I'll stop then.

Good morning Felix,

 

I don't know how aware you are of the motives behind Military Boot Camp, but the most important thing it's designed to do is break you down, physically and mentally, weeding out those who can't make it. If you really want to be a Marine after you graduate high school? Stop believing you do things better when you're high. Clean your lungs by filling them with the fresh air of cross country running. Start small, run around the block, then around the track, then from your house to the track. Run everywhere! Run, run, run, and then when you can't go any further. Run some more. Do this feeling like you're going into Boot Camp in top physical condition, and your training will still break you down. That's what it's designed to do, and you'll earn the right to be called a Marine. The best thing about your wishes to become a Marine, is that it's something you can surely do with a proper mindset. Yes, it's very physical, but most of all it's mental. My brother-in-law is a retired Marine, and I love his stories ranging from his time in boot camp, to his time as a drill instructor. These conversations are not started by him. They're usually started by my nephew who is also a Marine. I can't say enough how proud I am of my family and friends who have or are currently serving in the Armed Forces. I will be equity proud of you too.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Lydia_R]

On 5/7/2024 at 5:51 PM, VickySGV said:

and you need some help and uplift to break that cycle

 

Hello @FelixThePickleMan!  I second this breaking the cycle idea.  And the idea of getting some help to do it.  I was pushed into a treatment program in high school for marijuana addiction and because I went into it with an open mind, I was able to break the cycle by latching onto some of the literature.  It didn't keep me sober for the rest of my life, but helped a ton and was the only time I went through treatment.

 

I found marijuana to be fun and productive when practicing music.  At least for a while.  I can't imagine my life without the influence of it, but it would have been better to give it up a little sooner.  Drinking in the military was terrible for me, but it was good to be off of the marijuana during that time.  I didn't start drinking until I was about a year into the military.  I was trying really hard to avoid that, but there are a lot of people drinking in the military.  Be careful and love yourself!  Enjoy the journey too.

 

Smoking is bad for the lungs and will constrict your arteries as you get older.  It's best to put some limits on these things!  It's hard work, but worth the effort!  I found myself avoiding recovery meetings and doing recovery on my own for decades only to find myself going to meetings to enjoy being with others when I was older.  LOL!  Silly humans....

 

Hugs,

Lydia