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AmandaJoy

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I'm Amanda, and after 57 years of pretending to be a male crossdresser, I've recently admitted to myself that I'm a woman. It's pretty wild. I don't think that I've ever had a thought that was as clearly true and right, as when I first allowed myself to wonder, "wait, am I actually trans?"

 

The hilarious part is that I owe that insight to my urologist, and a minor problem with a pesky body part that genetic women don't come equipped with (no, not that one). I'll spare you the details, but the end result was him talking about a potential medication that has some side effects, notably a 1% chance of causing men to grow breasts. The first thought that bubbled up from the recesses of my mind was, "wow, that would be awesome!"

 

<<blink>><<blink>> Sorry, what was that again?

 

That led down a rabbit hole, and a long, honest conversation with myself, followed by a long, honest conversation with my wife. We both needed a couple of weeks, and a bit of crying and yelling, to settle in to this new reality. Her biggest issue? Several years ago, she asked me if I was trans, and I said, "no". That was a lie. And honestly, looking back over my life, a pretty stupid one.

 

I'm really early in the transition process - I have my first consultation with my doctor next week - but I'm already out to friends and family. I'm struggling with the "do everything now, now now!" demon, because I know that this is not a thing that just happens. It will be happening from now on, and trying to rush won't accomplish anything useful. Still, the struggle is real :D. I'm being happy with minor victories - my Alexa devices now say, "Good morning, Amanda", and I smile each and every time. My family and friends are being very supportive, after the initial shock wore off.

 

I'm going to need a lot of help though, which is another new thing for me. Being able to ask for help, that is. I'm looking forward to chatting with some of you who have been at this longer, and also those of you who are as new at this as I am. It's wild, and intoxicating, and terrifying... and I'm looking forward to every second of it.

 

Amanda Joy

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Forums Amanda, there are a number of us here who took that long or longer to come to grips with our personal reality.  Join right in and enjoy the company you have.

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Welcome, Amanda!! You'll find many of us here who found ourselves late in life - it was at 68 for me. Each of us is unique but we also have similarities and can help each other

 

I understand the urge to move quickly, but remember that your wife also has to adjust as you transition. That doesn't mean you have to move slowly, just give both of you time to process the changes and the impacts.

 

Many of us have also benefitted greatly from working with a gender therapist. For me, it was literally life-saving. Just a thought you might want to consider. Mine is done completely on-line.

 

Again, welcome. Jump in where you feel comfortable.

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Hi Amanda! Thank you for sharing. 

 

-Timi

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,,

Timber Wolf 🐾

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Welcome Amanda!!

💗 Cynthia 

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Welcome Amanda

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Amanda.  Your story sounds quite familiar, though my pesky body part didn't need the attention of a urologist.  You are in good company here!

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Hi @AmandaJoy Welcome, and nice to meet you!
Congratulations on your Self-Affirmation!  As you've already discovered you're in great company here on this Forum.  It took me 60+ years also.

 

I understand your thrill and desire to proceed full-steam-ahead but that you've already realized to meter your Journey.  So, I will just end with what I tell most new Members when they arrive ...


Deep breaths ... One step at a time

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  • Forum Moderator
On 5/9/2024 at 8:08 AM, AmandaJoy said:

I've recently admitted to myself that I'm a woman. It's pretty wild. I don't think that I've ever had a thought that was as clearly true and right, as when I first allowed myself to wonder, "wait, am I actually trans?"

Welcome @AmandaJoy, It’s a pleasure to have you join us here on the forum. It does seem much easier to suppress this understanding of ourselves until one day, it’s not. It all suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks. Those puzzle pieces all suddenly seem to fit and there’s no going back. Like you, I waited until I felt there was no other choice. It was now or never! Never having the opportunity to be myself in this world was not going to be an option.

 

On 5/9/2024 at 8:08 AM, AmandaJoy said:

I'm struggling with the "do everything now, now now!" demon, because I know that this is not a thing that just happens. It will be happening from now on, and trying to rush won't accomplish anything useful.

Words of wisdom there. Many of us try to make up for lost time or try to get results faster than a cis puberty but it just doesn’t work that way as you’ve learned. It’s difficult waiting for the changes but the good news…eventually you’ll experience many of them and the joys that come with those changes are wonderful and exciting. But like most good things, they take time. And sometimes it’s helpful things don’t happen overnight. Especially if you have others that need time to adjust to your physical and emotional changes.

 

I wish you the best on your continuing journey wherever that may lead you. I think you’ll enjoy this forum as there are great resources, advice, and people here that make it what it is. Hope to see you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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8 hours ago, Susan R said:

eventually you’ll experience many of them and the joys that come with those changes are wonderful and exciting. 

 

One of the nicest confirmations for me was when the 'new me' felt absolutely normal. I had, like almost everyone, felt very excited with each new development. But 6 years in, it's wonderful just experiencing things, like HRT, as daily rituals that are simply part of my life.

 

I also am privileged to have experienced a feminine perspective these last six years. It confirms how unhappy I was earlier, and things like masculine privilege and mansplaining are so apparent to me now. 

 

Kind regards,

 

Astrid 

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When I got on HRT people remarked on how happy I was.  I had insisted that I was happy before, but now I realized I only thought so.

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  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Welcome @Mwm684, Wow! That was one heck of an introduction and I completely understand how when the time comes to make some life changes…it’s full steam ahead. I’m also happy that there has been little, if any, push back regarding your recent disclosures. You’re likely beginning to feel some of the freedoms that come from accepting yourself for who you are and letting go of some of the outdated self images imprinted on you by your family, friends and acquaintances. It’s hard to shake all of that but it does sound like you’re doing all the right things.   Just keep in mind, very few of us in the community get through it completely unscathed. There are also sometimes unexpected residual effects as others outside of our acceptance circle influence those early adopters and sometimes those who seem to align well with our new choices. I personally noticed this with a few people in my life. The good news is that in many cases, these few tend to return to full acceptance as they see you are happier and more comfortable being yourself.   That being said, you have been graced with one of the most wonderful gifts a person in our community can have…a supporting and loving spouse. That support in many cases is the most critical in one’s journey, in fact, I often feel it’s even more helpful (at least in my case) than a good therapist. If your spouse is happy and accepting, then transition will often go much smoother for you both. Honest, open, and civil communication is vital to this remaining a possibility. You two are doing this together and so the spouse’s input as well as your own are both so important to make it all work. I wish you the best on your ongoing journey and hope to read more as things develop along the way.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • tracy_j
      It sounds Ok to me too.   Tracy
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Tomorrow’s Zoom meet-up is right around the corner. June 1st is the beginning of Pride Month and what a better way to celebrate than by meeting some others in our community.   This is an open invitation for members here to get together with others from our community. These Zoom meetings last sometimes 4 hours or longer so come join us when you can and leave whenever you like. Share your story or maybe just something interesting that happened during the week. It’s a fun time to chat, meet others, and just be yourself.😁   Trans Groups Zoom Meeting Times: June 1, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time June 1, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time June 2, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   If you’re a member of our community, 18 or over and need a Zoom Link, Message me as soon as possible. I will try to get you a link ASAP.
    • Susan R
      Welcome @Curious-star, It’s a pleasure to have you on our forum. You’re one of the lucky ones if these almost pervasive gender identity questions haven’t filled your everyday thoughts while going through puberty and onward. Many of us on this forum have been where you are now and others are approaching that point. Gender questioning is very common especially when you’ve felt very different from what you've been led to believe your entire life.   I hope you look around and find some comfort here with threads that have discussed these same questions you’re now beginning to address yourself. If you don’t find an answer you’re looking for, just ask it in a new thread. Many of us will respond with answers from our various perspectives. We are a very open non-judgmental forum and enjoy helping others any way we can. You may also want to get help with some of these questions from a therapist who specializes in gender identity. I’ve been using the same therapist for over 5 years now and have learned so much about myself with her assistance and expertise.   I look forward to learning more about you and your upcoming journey whatever that may look like.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷   By the way, your story about buying a bra and being fitted before you bought it brings back some wonderful memories. I did the same many years before actually ever going into public presenting myself as female. It was in some cases the very beginning of my journey to become a women. I still cherish those days even though they were sometimes difficult.
    • Sol
      Hello, I figured here was a good place to post this! This is really just a rant, so I'm just talking to the void.  I use the term trans man to refer to myself, which is accurate and covers about ~70% of what I'm going for. But I'm very gender nonconforming because I still like a lot of women's clothes, namely anything with ruffles and skirts (I love skirts, they're so fun). Most of the time I present very masculine (I don't pass but that's not a goal of mine anyway), but other times I go with a more feminine style because why not? If I'm not searing people's eyes with all the bright colors and patterns I wear, what's the point?  But the other ~30% I feel is genderless, which is why I explored an agender identity for a bit. I'm both masculine and genderless at the same time, because ultimately I feel like I'm just me. The phrase "vaguely masculine" comes to mind since that's mostly how I feel.  I have looked into other labels for this but I like trans man the best. I think part of this genderless aspect does clash with societal gender roles, which I frankly and openly hate, so I'll continue to be as GNC as possible because that's what makes me happy and spits on superficial roles. If anyone relates to this and wants to share their experience, feel free!
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2024/05/31/a-proclamation-on-lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-queer-and-intersex-pride-month-2024/     Carolyn Marie
    • Sol
      Jumping in here.  Hi, I'm an asexual trans man, although my asexuality isn't due to trauma but it has affected my perception toward my body and how I interact with it.  To answer your question as best I can: yes, you can absolutely be trans and asexual, I'm living proof! I wouldn't classify wearing lingerie as being related to gender at all, but that's my own personal interpretation since I think anyone can wear lingerie if they want. Lingerie also doesn't have to have a sexual aspect, but can take on a more sensual one (sensual is basically related more to intimacy outside of sex). I'd like to get lingerie myself when I have the funds, some of it looks fun.  Sexuality and gender can intertwine but are ultimately two separate things. I realize I was aroace (aromantic asexual) before I realized I was trans, and that does likely influence aspects of my gender identity to a certain degree. This is mostly in regard to how I view my body; bodies are bodies to me, and aren't inherently sexual and them being sexual is dependent on a sexual context. So just wearing lingerie isn't sexual to me at all, it's just wearing fancy underwear. And going back to the sensual aspect of lingerie, I believe that can be tied to self love and self care.  Do keep in mind that this is simply my own take on it.  I'm also bouncing off the others when I say talking to someone like a therapist can be potentially helpful. If you do decide to go this route, then keep in mind that you don't have to tackle the big stuff right away, and if you aren't ready then that's okay, but I'd recommend looking into coping mechanisms. I'm not going to lie and say that talking to a therapist is easy; it's not and can be very soul bearing, and even I have trouble being 100% upfront sometimes. Push your boundaries a little but not enough to break, which takes practice but I think you'll get there.  Ultimately, you've gotta do what's best for you and your health (mental, physical, and emotional), so I highly encourage you to explore what that could look like and how to get there.  Good luck to you going forward, I'm genuinely proud of you for sharing and reaching out, and I hope your night terrors get better!
    • Mmindy
      Good luck @KymmieL   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Welcome to TransPulseForums @Curious-star   I hope you find this site as helpful as I do. It’s not therapy but it’s close, no matter what you’re feeling or going through someone here is quick to respond. We have members from all around the world, the chances are very good that you will have someone reach out to you.    Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, for the purposes of this topic, I'll just say that I want a republic where Trump isn't the best we can hope for.    People where I live will vote for him no matter what, felony court cases or not, because we simply cannot stomach the alternatives.  We'd rather have Putin than Biden.  At least Putin, Orban, and Trump are nationalists (sort of), in spite of all the other bad stuff that goes along with that.  In my lifetime, he's the closest thing people here have had to a president they actually like.  That is the source of his support.  And it doesn't say much good about him, really, just bad about all the other choices.    So...what happens in November?  Will there even be an election?  If Trump becomes ineligible for office, who do the Republicans run?  Or maybe we just have an election with Libertarians vs Democrats?  Chase Oliver has some good things going...
    • Willow
      Hello @Curious-star   Welcome to Transgender Pulse we have many members with a lot of similarities.  Check out our various threads and posts.  Look into our chats and online meetings.   good luck with your journey.   Willow
    • Curious-star
      Hi, just thought I would say hello, I’m kind of new to all this, being in my mid 40s, have a wife and daughter and never questioned my gender till now.   This all start after a dream where I was stood I front of my family and friends wearing a bra the wonderful euphoric feeling I felt, felt real, I decided to buy one and try it and that euphoria was now really real and only confused me further, the bra I bought did not fit so I plucked up the courage to go to a shop and get properly fitted, wow what an experience I would recommend this to anyone, I walked out of the shop wearing my new bra with so much confidence.    I am extremely sensitive and empathetic to a point I know I have an inner her. I have always loved talking to women as I feel I am on the same level and sometimes I find it hard to open up to male friends, I have had body dystrophy but I don’t think it’s because I’m male and not female, I think it’s because I am just overweight, I am very muscular and have a lot of body hairy and a beard which I have no issue with.   i am very confused with the whole situation and maybe it would be easier just to take the view you were born male so your a man but that doesn’t seem right and my journey, which has only been a few months if I have gained anything it is an utmost respect for anyone who has even asked the question who or what am I.   every answer I get just brings more questions    sorry that was a bit more than just a hello!!  
    • Ivy
      I am a bit discouraged these days.  But It does seem to me that our problems can only be addressed when we learn how to work together, and yeah that does mean on a global scale.   Unfortunately it seems to be the case that too many are still only in it for themselves, trying to accumulate personal wealth and power.   Local cooperation is good, and it doesn't seem impossible for it to be had on a wider scale if we can have some respect for each other.  But we seem to be too interested in preserving our local turfs.  A prime example is our current all or nothing politics. We are prioritizing competition over cooperation. I've grown cynical, unfortunately.  I fear we are going to destroy our selves.  Perhaps the future generations will do better.  One can hope.
    • Ashley0616
      They start you off with a low dose to see how the body reacts. It takes time for any results to actually take effect. There might be a placebo effect for now. Trust the process and know it’s not a sprint it’s an endurance. I would ask the NP to see about patches, gel or injections. The pill has known to be worse in the side effects. In my first year I have gained some breast growth. I started as a 42C and now a 42 DD but it’s also probably because I’m big. Weight loss for me is almost impossible. If I could get off my gut and go to hips and breast I wouldn’t mind. Enjoy and congratulations on the start of your new life. 
    • Betty K
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