Sometimes I need to hear this song again. A younger me sometimes knew better.    

Hi there,   I’m French and currently living in Finland. I’ve joined this community because I’m in the middle of a deep personal journey exploring my gender identity, expression and the way I want to live authentically. It’s something that has been on my mind for a long time, but until now, I’ve mostly faced it alone, without many people around me who fully understand or can support me through this process.   I’m also navigating feelings of gender dysphoria, and I’m looking for insights, reassurance and shared experiences from people who have walked a similar path. Living abroad has made it even harder to find safe, welcoming spaces where I can talk openly about these questions. That’s why I’m here — hoping to meet people who can relate, share experiences and offer understanding as I navigate this important phase of my life.   I’m new to this forum, so any guidance or kind encouragement to help me get settled in and find my place here would be very much appreciated. Outside of that, I enjoy creative projects like graphic design and livery design, simracing and motorsport, and getting lost in fantasy worlds through books, movies and role-playing games. I’m also interested in fashion, especially exploring feminine styles.   If any of this resonates with you, or if you simply feel like exchanging thoughts, I’d be happy to connect.

Why do I hate the way I look? and the way I talk, and when people call me girl?

Well not everybody thinks to themselves in words.  I think folks who study the brain call it "inner monologue."  And around 30% of people simply don't have it.  Most of them think in images or emotions instead, and so while reading they would probably process the words into that instead of hearing a voice in their mind.    One of my partners has significant hearing loss due to an accident when she was a teenager.  She's not totally deaf, which makes a difference.  Like she can hear her own voice, but maybe doesn't think about it?  She reads lips a lot to clarify the words she hears, and we use some signs also.  But it seems like she's one of the people who thinks in images instead of words.  If she's reading, sometimes I'll ask her what she's processing and she'll have to read it word-for-word instead of quickly coming up with a summary. 

Well, Happy Mothers' Day to anybody for whom it is relevant     My partner was honored at the courthouse, along with two other women.  She's quite proud of her "Mother Heroine" medal.  It was kind of funny, she was asked in front of everybody if she's planning on having more children (she's quite visibly pregnant) and her response was "20 would be a nice, round number!"   I've been there for the birth of seven of her kids so far, and she's one of the rare ones who is blessed with easy labor.    Had to talk with her eldest daughter tonight.  She's always been happy at the arrival of new siblings, and her life goal is to be a wife and mother.  She's boy-crazy right now (for one boy in particular) and she's very disappointed that my husband won't let her date because of her age.  "Not until your quinceañera" is the rule, also affirmed by her mother.  She's dealing with puberty hormones in a major way, and seems to like talking with me about it since I'm kind of in the space between girl and boy.  Glad I can be useful, but I feel super ignorant because I didn't even date until my 20s.   She really should talk to my husband and GF about it, since they were engaged for the first time at age 16.  But like a typical father, I think my husband wants to avoid the idea of his daughters growing up...

That would be great

I can empathize with you. Most of last year I was in denial. In January I contacted my insurance company for a therapist. It was difficult getting up the courage. Late February I  finally got the appointment. She was very empathetic and it began my journey. It took three months after that to finally be able to start HRT. In short, I feel your pain. It is your journey, you will succeed. There are days  I don't like my facial hair. Just started laser for it. Moisturizer and makeup is my only salvation. Don't concentrate on the negatives when being seen, rather enjoy the compliments for the way you dress or even choice of nail polish. I'm still new at this, and refuse to let bias or negative people influence me. Hang in there! Smile, take charge, have confidence in being yourself.    Blessing for you,  Laura 

Well my wife surprised me today. So, we had went to Cheyenne. To meet our middle son to bring my youngest two grandsons bat to dad. On our way home she had mentioned a facebook post my middle sons CL wife made of their 3 sons and a couple friends at the Neb badlands near Scottsbluff. She posted pictures of the 5 kids. My youngest grandson was wearing a dress. Her mom made a derogatory comment. My DIL slammed her mom. My wife agreed about the slam. I could believe it. Maybe my wife is starting to accept?   Hugs,   Kymmie

Hi Remember its a marathon not a sprint - nothing will happen quickly (at least with the hormones etc.) Make sure you find a good therapist to talk to. Just being able to talk with someone who doesn't judge can be extremely helpful. There will also be difficult times ahead - finding supportive people (like this forum but also in person) such as local support groups can also be very helpful. At times the world can seem very dark and it can be hard to imagine better times - but they can always be there and you need to be true to yourself. Good luck with everything - We are here for you

I am not sure (I'm guessing, actually), but it would seem that a deaf person who has been trained to speak might be able to think to themselves in a voice.  But I have read that it is more likely that a deaf person would think to themselves in sign language, see images, or see gestures, such as the signs that deaf people sign to each other.   Carolyn Marie

I've just my first binder and did exactly the same thing. Congratulations 

It's a thought-provoking question. It's interesting to note that not all hearing people experience an inner voice or inner dialogue when thinking. Being a person who does experience inner dialogue, I found that surprising when I learned it. But isn't that always the case when we learn about an experience that seems strange or foreign to us. That is why I like your question - it implies open-mindedness, imagination, and curiosity, whereas so many of us in the trans community experience flat out denial (or worse) by people who don't understand an experience different from their own. But I digress.    Being a hearing person, you label the experience of an inner voice or inner dialogue as "hearing". But it's not hearing per se because what you're experiencing is not something external which is detected by the senses. You label it hearing because it has a similarity to the actual experience of hearing which is detecting the sound of a voice. With an inner voice, there's no actual sound. There is mentation, reflection, intellectualization. And it could be that the mental process draws upon the memory of having heard the sounds of words and reproduces a mental simulacrum to aid in the thinking process because it is what is normal to a hearing person.    A lifelong non-hearing person also has mental and intellectual faculties. They also reflect, assimilate information, organize and analyze it, and determine plans based on that information, and then attempt to execute their plans. So, perhaps for lifelong non-hearing people who do experience some sort of inner dialogue, it is experienced in a similar way which reflects their experience of assimilating information. Of course, only a lifelong non-hearing person would be able to provide insight on this. But on the other hand, they would not be able to reference a basis of comparison to the experience of hearing.   Many years ago, I was into reading about the experience of deafness. One book which I found fascinating was "Seeing Voices" by Oliver Sacks (all of Oliver Sacks' books are fascinating). I learned that there is an entire deaf culture. Which completely makes sense when you think about it - they are a people with a common non-normative experience of the world. Really great read if you want to learn more about the deaf experience.

this (strange) thought passed through my mind today. I hope no one takes offense to this question. I do not mean for it to.  my apologies in advance if it does. for me, when i'm reading something (or thinking) to myself, in my mind, i hear my own voice. i got to wondering, for a person that has been deaf since birth, what do they "hear" when reading or thinking to themselves? my apologies if this is really a stupid question. i tend to ask them a lot it seems.

I'm sorry to read that you've experienced some difficult times lately.  HRT (which you call FHT) is an important step, and one that should help in the long run.  But I am curious about the reason(s) for being misgendered?  Is it only because of facial hair, or something else?   While HRT has many benefits, it alone won't solve all your problems.  It does little or nothing for reducing facial hair, and even for body hair can take months, if not years, for significant results.  Breasts can take 2-4 years to fully develop.  I'm not trying to dissuade you or disappoint you, but you should be realistic with your expectations.   I wish you success!   Carolyn Marie

The bass is very tricky to learn in the beginning. Keep with it because it only gets easier. As far as one of your short stories you can always message one to my account and I’ll be able to read it there. That’s up to you if you are comfortable doing that.    Peace, Hugs and Happiness, Silo

Mostly I just journal right now so not really stuff I'd be posting, but I used to love writing short stories (and fanfiction lol) so maybe some day I'll share a story here if there's somewhere appropriate to put it!   I started learning bass last year but I'm finding it tricky - I love music but my dyscalculic brain isn't very suited to making it haha.

"Before I came out, I was a 36-year-old white man, married, three kids, two cars, a dog, a house, and I didn’t think racism existed. I didn’t think sexism existed. I didn’t see any of them because I never experienced them. And when I got put into one of the most despised groups in the country right now or vilified groups, the transgender community, I’m hearing this bigotry and this transphobia, and it really opened my eyes that maybe I didn’t have it all right, and just because I hadn’t seen or experienced it myself, maybe I was wrong. I learned so much that I had never seen or been willing to see. I’m able to connect with my people in a way that I’ve never been able to. And that is true leadership."   This is not quite my experience, but I can relate on many levels. The frank honesty of her words is so powerful and inspiring to me. 

Awesome @Sora-Solar!

I feel you @Termistery. I also have mobility issues & often need help getting into and out of such garments. But my issues have led me to learn that compression garments (e.g.  compression socks) are made for all parts of the body, including compression shirts. I just searched "zip up compression vest" on Amazon & found this, for example. It is hook & eye, so that may not work if you have issues with your hands. Reviews vary, mostly about sizing. https://amzn.eu/d/h18gBUY   There are orthotic clothing companies that make compression shirts with zip up front, but they are expensive. (I have one - waited for black friday sale to get it).    Something else to consider. You might could try getting an inexpensive binder and having a tailor install a zipper in front. Often such a service would not be expensive.   Cheers!

Hi, @Caiwen.  Like Allie, I think these reasons do relate to dysphoria.  They tell me that you are learning how to eliminate it.  I found many of the same things you describe to be liberating.   1. I found the prohibition on my male persona against wearing accessories to be confining and restrictive.  Being able to wear them and ornament myself is liberating and gives me joy.   2. I always liked colourful clothing but felt that I was not allowed to wear it.  Being able to wear it now makes me happy.   3. I always felt that, in my male persona, I was suspected of being a potential rapist.  That inhibited my relationships with women, both casual and romantic.  Being seen and treated as a woman has allowed me to relate to women as friends and colleagues.  I am married, so my romantic interests are confined, but I think I am better able to relate to my wife, too.   In all these cases, the sense of confinement was a manifestation of my dysphoria.  My dysphoria always took the form of feeling imprisoned or confined.  And, in all cases, my liberation from the confinement was the end of that dysphoria.   I hope that you continue to find happiness as your journey proceeds.