Here is an exercise called Emotional Yo-yo: Start a simple scene: like two people involved in an everyday activity. Don’t prethink it too much. Just start talking.* One player should choose to react strongly to something from the other player. Once someone reacts in this way, they are the yo-yo and the other player is the hand. If you are the hand, you should play with the yo-yo. Your job is to do and say things that either provoke the yo-yo or placate the yo-yo. If you are the yo-yo, your job is to be affected. Every reaction doesn’t have to be absurdly strong, but often it is. Sometimes the hand will push you away, sometimes the hand will pull you back, sometimes the hand will spin you around. You should be flexible and let yourself be moved.

Welcome so glad you are here.

Just started brewing my coffee and I'll drink it out of my "saggy baggy boob club" cup. Complete with the DD owl.

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Andi.  It's nice to meet you.  What you experienced is similar to what many here went through in their early years, so you are among friends who understand you and will empathize.  I also had a family for years before coming out to them, and greatly feared losing them.  But it worked out for me and we're doing fine.  I hope the same happens to you.   Please post in any of the forums and topics that interest you.  This is a safe place, and I think you'll like it here.  Let us know how we can help and support you.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie

Yeah, context is the key to the answer to your question, @BellaDon.  In my first year after coming out at work there was a colleague who just couldn't get it right, and misgendered (actually called me by my dead name) all the time.  But he always apologized and I could tell he was sincere and embarrassed by his mistakes.  So I never got mad at him.   But VickySGV is right; if it's done deliberately to provoke or demean, then I think it's a form of emotional violence and needs to be called out.   Carolyn Marie

This is one of those places where a victim of misgendering can have the final word as to how it felt to them, and some do feel that way.  It may be only emotional violence, depending how or why it was done to one.  Little screw-ups and then apologies when they happen to me are annoying but not violent.  On the other hand there are those who do it deliberately with the idea of hurting me in the moment which would be violence, it is that way when it it done to egg on a group who want to do physical violence and get them to act.

I'm a fan of Berkshire also.  They are very good quality for the price.  Out in public I really don't really wear hose much, if ever, anymore ... but when I was just dressing in private hosier made me feel very feminine.

Me too!  I'm a Late Arrival but I am happy to be visible and represent Our Generation of Our Community!

Awesome!  I hope they make an example of this <water balloon>-bag.  (no offense to actual <water balloon>-bags)

I’ve heard about this recently and was wondering if it’s true. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Hi Paula - I too felt for years that being Out/dressed socially was a faraway unachievable dream.  Then it finally came to pass and now I am Out full-time.   This Forum and all the shared experiences of that process were VERY helpful.  And while I had many of the same fears as you do, I found most of them were just MY fears and not often reality. Did I get strange looks, or mis-gendered?  Yes. But it wasn't the end of the world and I got to the point that not only did I not care ... but it helped me learn how to improve my appearance and to be able to pass with greater confidence.  And that is the secret ... CONFIDENCE   When you're ready, I am sure you will find the same.  

I had a similar experience.  I was not able to present publicly because of my spouse's 'rules' I had to follow to keep peace in the house. But my therapist told me her office and my sessions were for me to be comfortable as myself and I should dress as I wanted.  So, I always scheduled my appointments when my wife was working and I would leave the house and go to therapy as myself ... as Kay. It was a little bit anxiety inducing the first couple of times (mostly the 'walk' from parking to her office) but it soon became the most rewarding experience that I could look forward to, and also it allowed me to 'open up' more during therapy session.    Now I am Out socially full time I do appreciate the opportunity to get some experience in living and presenting as my True Self before that.  I hope you can find the same situation when you feel ready.

I'm sad that I'm not alone on this. Thank you for sharing. Do you have any tips on not letting misgendering get to you? I have never been able to get over it, I remember many specific instances where I have been misgendered and can't get over them, even when it was years ago. And I just hate my appearance because I'm not masculine enough, I don't think I can accept how I look when I know I don't pass well.

Welcome Kayla Rose @Kyleorkayla28! We are ALL on different journeys with different destinations, but everybody here has the same goal ... To be our True Authentic Self. So I think you found a great landing spot and hope to hear more from you.   Deep breaths ... One step at a time

This is a great topic and the sharing of concerns, confidence, victory and being 'clocked' are oh so familiar but also helpful. I did find recently that as the weather warmed up, and I started wearing shorter mid-length skirts (and skorts) that I have rarely been mis-gendered and most people's initial response to me is as a woman.  And I have great legs!!   Occasionally there may be some 'tells'  (mostly voice) my style of dress and the greater confidence I carry in public really seems to make a difference.

Hi @Kay3Seven!  From a Kay-to-Kay Welcome!, and I am so happy you found us. The story of your childhood is very painful and heartbreaking, but it also follows a familiar path of how many of us come to our Self-Realization and Self-Affirmation. You are truly fortunate to have a loving and supportive spouse.  It makes a huge difference. As you can see you already have the understanding and support of the Members here in this wonderful Forum.  I am sure (as I did) that you will find this a great place to connect with Community. Congratulations on all the progress you have made to this point.  Everybody here has a different goal and path to follow, and everything you seek will come in good time as it is meant.  Again, Welcome ... Deep breaths ... One step at a time  

My name is Andi. I go by she/her/hers. You have no idea how good it feels to actually say it out loud while I type it. I was born in Oklahoma out in the country. Population 2500 or so in the town. So everyone knows everyone. Without going into detail, I had childhood trauma from age 4 into age 6. From age 6, I started to identify as a girl. I come from a family of 4 boys (my brothers don’t speak to me anymore), with me being the oldest. So as I got older, I quickly realized that I needed to learn to not only hide how I felt, but also needed to start acting more like a boy. It was and still is real “taboo” where I’m from and I saw first hand the absolute terrible way people were being treated and talked about. So, I became a chameleon. I wish I would have known how lonely it was going to be.    I’ve been in and out of therapy for years now. I've never had an issue with accepting how I felt or who I am at my core. I know who I am. I even tried to transition at 20 ….however , I had many….many different people/therapists tell me different things. From “it’s in your head from the trauma” to “ you have BPD”. Etc.  I “conformed” out of complete fear. I still live in that fear now, but for different reasons. Now I’m 41. I have 3 wonderful daughters and a loving wife. I hate that I’m saying this but I’m so glad I didn’t have a boy. I have so much resentment against men and it has caused a lot of internal issues. I have two male friends and go out of my way to only talk to them on the phone. My wife knows about my ptsd from the childhood trauma, but nothing else. I feel very selfish hiding this part of me from everyone, especially her, but it has been so long I don’t really know any other way.    The one thing that helped me stay grounded is martial arts. I could escape and still do. So much so I became a martial arts instructor as a full time job. Mostly adults but I was a kids instructor for a decade as well. I stopped teaching kids around 38 though. I wanted to focus on helping women with self defense.    Please don’t misunderstand. I’m very happy and grateful for my family. I’ve just gotten so so so tired of being “ the chameleon”. It feels like I’ve been so unfair to the people I love.  Now the fear is that everyone will leave me.    If you made it this far. Thank you. I’ve never written any of this out but for in a journal from time to time. I’m really hoping to connect with a friend. But if I don’t im very glad I found this forum.    thank you for your time. 🙏  -Andi