I agree with Carolyn Marie. Further, I'll emphasize that as your wife's already noticed and commented, any effort on your part to reassure her that "everything's fine" actually adds more to her stress than coming out ultimately would because it's clear she knows everything is not fine and therefore invalidating her perceptions is not the kind thing to do. Be kind to both of you - take the chance to live your life together free of suppression, anxiety, suspicion, and worry. I'll also note that initial reactions, whatever they may be, are not necessarily indicative of how your spouse will always feel. We have heard many testimonies, from myself included, of severe negative initial responses which eventually smoothed out in time given the opportunity to have ongoing conversations and emotional processing. Good luck & best wishes.

Welcome Andi 

This is a hard place to be.

If you click on the OP's name, you can find all of their past posts and see if they've posted recently.  That's the only easy way to find out.  We don't have a listing of people who have left or just stopped being active.   Carolyn Marie

Post 16 My Transformation (Part 1)   I never believed what Lou Reed said when he sung: “…plucked her eyebrows on the way, shaved her legs and the he was a she.”  If only transformation from man to woman could be so easy.  My transformation involves so much more.  For me to feel comfortable in my feminine persona, I want to ensure my appearance is as feminine as possible, so my physical transformation is usually an arduous process.       Makeup is critical for me because it helps to camouflage my masculine facial features.  It’s amazing how much my face transforms when I contour and add color. Hair is important too because the right style can really feminize a face.  I found a wig many years ago that I thought was the perfect style for my face.  I bought five of them, all in different shades.   I have learned how powerful wardrobe can be to my transformation, but the challenge is finding women’s clothing that looks good on me.  This isn’t an easy task because women’s clothes aren’t cut to accommodate my male body shape.  My solution is to alter the shape of my body with padding and foundation garments.  Cinching my waist, and adding hip and butt pads give me an hourglass figure that makes my body more compatible with curvy women’s clothing.    Dealing with my male shoulders is a different kind of challenge.  It’s impossible to alter my skeletal structure, so the best I can hope for is to draw attention away from the shoulders.  The tactic I use for this is to wear tops and dresses with a v-cut or low neckline.  This may seem counterintuitive but low-cut tops draw attention away from the shoulders focusing it on the center of the chest.  Having curvy hips and a shapely bottom also help to minimize the look of broad shoulders.   Footwear is an important component of my transformation, and since I adore high-heels, my shoes tend to overtly feminine to start with.  Lately, my go to shoes are booties.  I have numerous pairs that range from casual to dressy (all with higher heels, of course), so I can wear booties with just about anything.  I’ve worn booties with jeans, skirts, and even dresses, and they look great with each.   I put a lot of effort into my transformation to ensure I appear as feminine as I possibly can.  Since I am not doing HRT and I haven’t had any physical feminization procedures much of my effort is to camouflage those physical male characteristics that would otherwise undermine my feminine presentation.  Given what I have to work with, I think I do a pretty good job getting the look right, but this only the first half of my transformation.  The second half is mastering feminine movement and mannerisms, which is even more challenging.   I’ll save that discussion for the next post.   Hugs,   Sally

I can relate to this. As being a cate giver for my wife foe many years. He sickness has gotten worse and I an still processing all that I have relizabout my self. I so want to be out and be my true self. But I can't bear to break her heart after 20 years. I guess fear is a big part of the whole equation 

I see there is a lot of old posting that goes back since 2013 or even longer which makes me wonder wither the members who created the post are still around to reply if I commented?   

Honestly, @DreamWalker, I think it's time you come clean with your wife.  She already suspects, and the longer you wait the more she will come to distrust you.  I tried sneaking around for a year or more and I felt terrible about it.  It wasn't good for me, and it wasn't good for my wife and our relationship.   Whether you end up going for transition, and how far, is an issue you should discuss with a gender therapist.  But at this point, simply telling your wife that you beleive you are likely transgender is the first step.  Open and honest communication is essential if you don't want your marriage to end in recriminations and misery.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie

Fir me it’s like progress towards self acceptance.  Really being someone more in sync with how I feel I should be.     It’d be nice to view myself in the day to day,  as if I viewing  movie, but WITHOUT cringing and self hate.    Things are way better now and I’m so grateful!!   This is your movie.  

I think a lot of us have been there.  I know I have.   Welcome Alisa

Welcome Alisa

Struggling a bit on how to quote and reply! That is such a lovely clear description I can really relate -thankyou for posting

Nice!    I believe you can experience being you at any moment because you get glimpses of that through moments of euphoria and peace of mind, however fleeting or vague. Then there may be a reaction to it. At worst, subsequent feelings of grief, lament, and resentment arise when the momentary experience of yourself results in you thinking things like, "why can't I always feel this way" or "It's wrong for me to feel this way", or "I've been cheated out of being able to feel this way", etc. On the other hand, any moment of experience of being yourself points to the potential in you to consistently be yourself and is cause for joy, wonder, and gratitude. After all, you are yourself always; it's just that it's veiled under so many layers. So the becoming  is a matter of removing those layers, one by one. That's mostly mental/spiritual/emotional work. In that sense, there is no becoming , only ever being , while employing consistent effort to learn what it means to be you and what aids you in doing that. But you are always there waiting to be more and more fully noticed and experienced.

Very, very slowly! It's an ongoing process of finding out who I am as I have been concealed for so long from myself and others. My emotional reactions to things tell me who I am eg I was out walking a few weeks ago and feeling confused and fed up with my situation and wondering what to do. I was near a bridge and I thought "Well I could jump off the bridge" This was instantly followed by a huge outpouring of tears as I realised I didn't want to die as a man. So no danger of me doing that! What I love is when I find myself expressing femininity naturally and effortlessly out of the blue with voice and mannerisms -this has happened at times throughout my life. In the past I have "policed" myself and suppressed it so as not to look effeminate but now I'm letting it happen and enjoying it as an expression of the real me

Yeah.  I already do feel that I am Ivy.   I don't think it would even be possible to go back to being that guy. I will always have been that guy, but that is the past. As a friend has put it, "I am a woman of transgender experience."

This is gaslighting, and emotional abuse.    I think provoking violence would be the same as committing it.  That's what "Libs of TikTok" does, and then plays innocent. A lot depends on context and intent.

One other aspect of the misgendering is that it is not only psychological abusive, it is a precursor to physical violence with ridicule, and outing of someone. How many of us need to be killed as a result. We are just trying to live a productive life. It is not right. 

This has the coloring of MAGA all over it. While I think that the surgeon is a class A scumbag, if Texas has banned pediatric transgender care, there are provisions in HIPAA if there is a suspected crime. It will be interesting to see how the DOJ proceeds, because I have little doubt that the Texas AG Paxson will rush to this guy's aid. We will likely eventually see it go to that supremely R court, and they will say the surgeon did the right thing.    We may know the guy is scum, but he will be painted as a saint by the Rs. Sooner or later, these anti-trans policies are going to hurt these anti-trans states. As a healthcare provider, I would never entertain the idea in working in many of these states.

After reading through quite a bit of this section. It’s somewhat comforting to know how others have handled this situation. Seeing many different ways it has gone.    I’ve been doing subtle things these last few years to gauge how my wife reacts. I completely understand I do this out of fear of her leaving me. We’ve been together for going on 20 years. She is aware I’ve had some issues from childhood, but I don’t talk about it.   Anyway, Shave my legs. She immediately noticed and didn’t like that. Same for my chest.    she’s commented on the particular way I like to sit. (That’s been a thing since the beginning). She doesn’t say anything mean or rude. Just an off handed comment.  she notices I like to take extra care of my skin and use scented lotions etc. She won’t say anything , but if I smell like flowers, the same day or next day she will tell me she has bought some old spice. 🫤   I grew my hair out and it was a constant “ I like your short hair. You should Cut it. “   I want to believe she is in love with the person i am. I want to get rid of my male parts. I’ve seen the “ she didn’t sign up for this “ comments and really tend to agree. I should have been honest before we tied the knot.    I’ve gotten to the point that I’m ready to transition. I tried around 20 and well, yes, that was its own bag of issues. Oklahoma was a nightmare. I’m in Florida now.    I wake up feeling so much anxiety because of my “man” parts. Up to this point I thought I had mastered grounding techniques and how to box it up. It is t working as well anymore.    I seek advice. Please be blunt if you are willing to offer it. I’m 100% comfortable with who I am at my core. I just need to project it now. Thank you for your time. 🙏🙏

Misgendering can be very punishing, even if someone apologizes. I used to work in an organization where it was widely known I had transitioned. One of the workers, continually said, "yes sir" to me when they were responding to an order. If I pointed it out, they would apologize, and after the umpteenth time, I pulled them to the side and asked how was it that they could not accept my transition, while other people that had worked with me for a shorter time, had no difficulty at all. I was pissed.   I am fully transitioned with facial feminization surgery, voice feminization surgery, and gender affirmation surgery. Nobody else, including patients that I treated, had any issues, except this one paramedic. Despite our best efforts, there will be some who want to treat us poorly. I do not work in that setting anymore. I no longer tell anybody that I am transgender. It is none of their business. I am not misgendered anymore. I am fortunate that I was able to make significant changes in my appearance and voice.    We have such a long way to go. I get a pissed feeling every time I hear these proclamations of how Biden's administration will ensure we can get healthcare. Well, I have news for them, about the only thing they will approve is a vaginoplasty, as if this one aspect of being female is enough. Many of the insurance companies will not cover electrolysis with regional anesthesia as they feel it is cosmetic. Well, the average woman does not need to shave every day. We are told that facial procedures may not be covered. We are told that both speech therapy and voice feminization surgery is cosmetic. I guess they believe we should look like Fred Flintstone in a dress, and sound like him as well. The average transgender female cannot afford all of the procedures.    Whether it is right or wrong, most people make judgements based on what they see, and what they hear. In many cases, they know next to nothing about us. Being able to successfully pass could be lifesaving, but we are told these procedures are "cosmetic". I am afraid that we will continue to be harassed for being who we are, and many of the advances we have made, will be rescinded.    Yes, being misgendered is hurtful. I think it hurts no matter the context. Somethings are within our control, and unfortunately, many are not. Without question, there are those individuals out there that make a conscious effort to wound us with their words and actions.  -Katie