I feel this way so often!!   Something that helps me be brave when the scary feels hit is the idea of my life as a story. Every good story would be terrifying to the people living in the story. No one wants to read a book or watch a movie where everything is safe and without threat - it would be so boring! And I believe that for me to find real satisfaction in my own life, I must find where the scary is and go through it. I'm glad we all have each other as companions in life's adventure.

I'm so sorry that this is your situation. It is for me too. I told my wife within a week of when I finally realized that I needed to start questioning my gender, then about a month or so after I came to the conclusion that I was Genderfluid (though I now feel like that's not quite as accurate as before). It was rough. I mean, so rough. We had been married for 20 years and had mostly a very strong marriage, but the six months after I came out to her was absolute hell. Thankfully, that slowed down and has now stopped. But, for us, the fact still remains that I'm somewhere between a very feminine (internally) Genderfluid person or I'm a trans woman (without any outward changes yet). I feel a strong need to have a decent amount of femininity on display in my life and for our social circle to know this about me. And my wife has a strong need to have a "normal" cis male husband. So there's almost certainly some big things going to break within the next year. So I can 100% relate to this being so overwhelming.    And yet, I don't regret this at all. Despite the absolute nightmare that my marriage was for so long, even in the middle of it, my mental health kept improving. Just knowing who I was changed so much!     Like others have said, we all have so many regrets about the timing of things. I'm now 44 and never thought that my gender was the giant missing piece of why I felt so unsatisfied with how I felt about myself. I'm now starting to consider HRT and other medical interventions and I'm just so discouraged that I'm not going to get the same kind of results that I could have potentially had if I had known at 20 or even 30. Maybe it COULD have happened many years ago. But these days I'm cautious about the word "should." My opinion is that when it comes to stuff like this, there is no "should," only "could." Maybe a more helpful way to look at it is to think of what could be. What can you do now? What could life look like for you if you follow up on this?   Anyway, I hope that you are able to sort through some of these things with helpful results *hugs*

Amazing <3

My Chemical Romance - Blood  

I think androgyny comes down to a balance between masculine and feminine (I mean its in the word,) so balancing some level of masculinity and some level of femininity is a good baseline. "True androgyny" (where you literally look like either/or) isn't very easy to achieve IMO, but if you look up "androgynous person" you might find some good references The only thing I'd note is that it's a very thin line to walk on. A lot of cis people will see things like colored hair or dainty jewelry as universally female. Personally to me a lot of people who go for androgyny through brightly colored styles read as female, which is sort of the opposite of the goal (and no offense to those people of course, I'm glad they're expressing themselves, just my personal opinion) That is of course not to say "have no style," just be aware of what leans masculine and what leans feminine, and have a good balance

how can I appear more androgynous? ill take any tips. I am very feminine presenting but I would love to look more neutral. I might cut my hair shorter. otherwise I just dont know what clothes to wear, is jewelry a yes or a no?

Thank yoou both for your help!  I apologize for being so technically slow. 

I have not been through any of this but https://transactual.org.uk does seem to cover much of this.  Hope it may help.   Karen

@AlexisM It is always good when you have someone close to you like your uncle.  Think of your grandmother often.  Even after death they still can bring you comfort.    

Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime  

Sorry, I can't help you with UK / NHS procedures.  I do know that the Brits invented bureaucracy, you you probably have it worse than we do.   I do, however, sympathize.  I had my own struggles with paper-pushers.  I literally could not change my legal gender for quite a while: there was no process for me to do so.  (People born in Canada could easily change their birth certificate and then use that to change their driver's license.  But I was born in the UK, and the Brits wouldn't change my birth certificate until I had my driver's license changed!)  So, for a couple of years, my driver's license said "Kathy", Male.     Just be patient.  If you get blocked at one step, figure out something else that you can update.  If you get into a chicken-and-egg situation like I did, see if you can lobby for a change in procedures.  (That's how I resolved my impasse: they brought in a new form to change gender without a birth certificate in response to my feedback.)  I'd be surprised if you actually need a lawyer for anything (though I suppose, with British bureaucracy,  I shouldn't be), but you might need a notary for some forms.  I had to do that for something.  I found a guy who didn't work as a notary, but who had the license as a requirement of his job, and who notarized my paperwork for free.

i feel like I’m in the movie Brazil , a Kafkaesque nightmare of Catch 22 i appear to be in this maze of spaghetti, with each step needing the completion of another step, which can only be completed if this step is first done So here's what I’m trying to and my troubles   So I’m in the process of changing everything over to my new name, so banks, council, driving license, utility's, NHS, passport   At the moment i have an "unenrolled deed poll" basically a print your own , get 2 witnesses ,done and dusted. My letter from my GP affirming my permanent change in Gender, Name should be with me this week, so far, so good   Ok so i wanna change banking, need a utility bill with my new name, can't do that without the change of my name in banking Need a drivers license change, need a utility bill with new name, which needs the driver license change, wait we back at the start   My hope appears to be the passport, get the GP letter, use the unenrolled deed poll, but they where when i spoke to them not 100% on it, they really want an "enrolled" deed poll, which costs £50, fine, but now i'm seeing oh you need a solicitor that could cost 1k   an "unenrolled" deed poll is not (well kinda is) some make it up yourself, it's from the Deed Poll themself, who say yeah use this to change banking, utilities   i don't mind about the Driver's license, i don't drive really anymore, that can wait, but might be useful to get as official ID , i do need a passport , and i would like to change my banking so that can be reflected in utilities etc. Also i don't know when the 2 years for a GRC start, is it when you say so, when other people say yep she was a he who became a she 2 years back, or is it when your NHS ID changes   so i would love to know what the 'correct' order for this is , and do you really need a 1k solicitor for an enrolled Deed poll, note i haven’t had a birth certificate for years, my driving license is valid , my passport is expired but i have it   am i making this more complicated than it actually is   Love Stephenie 

Then you frolic in a field of daisies and eat ice cream for breakfast every day   Jokes aside I think when mine is reduced and I pass better I'm gonna get back into fashion

He was an underappreciated artist - but just had a way and feel about his music. Nicknamed the Swamp Fox, was an American singer-songwriter and guitarist, best known for his 1969 hit "Polk Salad Annie" and for "Rainy Night in Georgia", which he wrote but which was first made popular by Brook Benton in 1970. He also wrote "Steamy Windows" and "Undercover Agent for the Blues", both hits for Tina Turner in 1989; those two songs came by way of Turner's producer at the time, Mark Knopfler, who was a friend of White. "Polk Salad Annie" was also recorded by Joe Dassin, Elvis Presley, Joe Bonamassa and Tom Jones. Born in Louisiana on a cotton farm, he moved to Nashville area and started writing and playing and went up from then. He reminded me of JJ Cale and he was much more then Polk Salad Annie.      

Wandering life with friends is good.