HEY @Jossica   I love this! It's so joyful to see steps and evolution!    I think it's so great to be able to love and value yourself in all the steps along the way of evolution, and knowing it is OK to stop any where on that journey when you feel comfortable!    I think a lot of us have to get past internalised transphobia that only applies to ourselves and not to others for whom we can have more love and acceptance.   Thank you for sharing this, it's so lovely to understand where you are coming from and may be going.   

Hello all!   Like so many of y'all, I'm always thinking about my inner life and how I feel. It's coming up on a year since I first started questioning my gender, and I guess I just felt like sharing an update with people that I know will understand. And it will be kind of like a journal entry I guess, but I seem to have an impulse to just share this kind of stuff with someone, and, again, y'all have been so supportive this year for me.   My default view, 12 months ago, was that I was a cis male. I mean, what else would I possibly be? I was born with a certain set of body parts, have a certain set of chromosomes, and a certain proportion of hormones. I played football (the American kind) as an offensive lineman, and was blessed with lots of stereotypical masculine traits that made that possible - a big frame, the ability to put on a lot of weight and muscle, durability, and the special kind of stupid that comes with thinking experiencing pain in every play is normal and kind of fun. You know, typical high school dude stuff. And yet... Well, there were signs. A ton of them, now that I've looked back. Enough that I'm sure that someone would have caught it when I was a teenager if not for culture, trauma, and mental health stuff. If only I had access to LGBTQ-informed therapy as a teenager!   I suppose I could start the clock of questioning my gender about two and a half years ago, when I began regularly thinking, "Huh, I'm actually more like a woman than most men in this area too... I wonder why that is?" All the while, I never once considered that I might not be cis. But once I actually asked myself, "Am I nonbinary?!" the process went fairly quickly. A month and a half later (mid-August 2025), I had settled on genderfluid as the closest term to my gender identity. While I still feel like the term "genderfluid" is the closest term to my experience, there has been a pretty big shift in what I feel like that means.   At the time, I didn't think that I had experienced gender dysphoria. Or at least not related to my body. I still thought of myself as a man. Not quite a cis man, but I was so sure that the LGBTQ+ label didn't really apply to me. Okay, maybe WAAAYYY down the expanded list of letters. But while I really wished that I had a woman's body, I knew that I didn't, and so that means I'm not a woman and can't be a woman. I wasn't so transphobic with others, but I certainly was with myself. I thought I was going to have to settle for being a guy who felt like a girl on the inside. And, maybe when I was feeling especially girly, I could act a little girly too. But my default position was that I was a man, and I float into girly territory here and there.   Now, I feel a bit more like the opposite. I feel more and more like a woman who enjoys floating into masculine territory here and there. I feel like my masculine body, which I do legitimately like as far as male bodies go, is almost more like a mecha for my girly spirit - to use some anime kind of language. And it's a great mecha when I need to do manual labor! But it's feeling less and less like "me" in some ways. Which, in some ways, isn't exactly healthy, and I need to do some work in reconciling my view of my body with my inner experience. I think, at least for now, that if I magically got the exact female body that I've always dreamed of having, I would still identify as genderfluid. I would float between very feminine presentation and androgyny, with a desire to have a male body every once in a while. Or maybe I'd be exactly where I was, just from the other side! Who knows?!   I'm obviously still working all of this out. And I still need to start therapy with an LGBTQ-qualified therapist. That part of things is on hold while my wife and I are still trying to sort things out between us and are trying to get couples counseling, complicated by schedules and insurance. But until then, I'm mostly sorting things out on my own. The main thing that I'm confident about is that I'm not done developing. I'm certain that in a year, I'll have a different idea of who I am, likely with more clarity in some areas, and plenty of other questions to continue exploring.   Thanks for listening! I can't overstate how helpful y'all have been in my life. I try to read as much as I can of y'all's posts, and I wish I could comment so much more than I have been. But life's responsibilities just take so much time and energy.

Good Morning, y'all! How are ya?   Mum's picking me up so we can do a bunch of things together today, the most important of which being taking me to a Laser Hair Removal Clinic for my skin evaluation!  It's obviously not the actual first hair removal appointment, but today I'll find out if my skin is suitable for such things! I really hope it is!   To my fellow Brits, I hope you're ready for another hot day. Where I currently am, it's supposed to hit highs of 32 Celsius, or 89.6 Fahrenheit, with tomorrow's highs going up to 34 Celsius/93.2 Fahrenheit.

Oh @Max I'm so sorry. That all sounds horribly difficult.    Are CPS, I mean, do you feel like they are working in your interest? Can you ask the worker for help?    I guess y'all are on summer break now?   (I want you to have someone there for you)         

Hi Indigo!   I'm a 44 yo AMAB who's been married for 21 years now. It's such a strange time and place in life to discover such a big thing about yourself, isn't it?   If I were to guess what advice you're looking for, here are a few possibilities. Do I want to be a woman? What gender am I? And how do I even go about figuring that out? Once I sort that out, how am I supposed to present myself? How do I know if I want to transition? What does that even mean anyway? What kinds of transitions can I do? How will all that change my marriage? But you tell us what you're looking for!   This, to me, feels like a good description of genderfluid. But you'll have to sort out whether that fits you or not, and whether you like it or not.   I have always had some kind of weird hangup around nails and makeup. But all the rest of it: Yes! Me too! 100%!! And if I suddenly got a girly looking body, I'd be into the makeup and nails too, which makes me think it's probably because of repressed gender identity stuff coupled with internalized transphobia.

I've also been thinking a lot about what it means to fit in or not fit in with the LGBTQ community. I know that some of it is imposter syndrome. Or maybe all of it? But I also worry that maybe I'm not trans enough or Queer enough or whatever. Despite so many of us on this forum being older than me, I still feel like transitioning of any kind is a young person's game and that I'm well over the age limit. I feel like I'm going to be judged as not even trying to be feminine if I'm not gonna shave my beard or take hormones. And while I've had nothing but acceptance from all the LGBTQ people I've told so far, my doubts keep telling me that behind my back, they're probably scoffing at me and think I'm just pretending to act cool or something. It's weird, but I almost want there to be an application to fill out and be approved by my local Queer council so I can get an official membership card or something to prove to myself and others that I'm part of the group. But that isn't how it works, and it isn't how it should work.   While there are definitely times that I feel like I've stepped into something new and that it's all wonderful and exciting, as it turns out, more often I just still feel like me. We're all just ourselves, and we always have been.

im very sorry abt that, but i havent gotten many chances. lots of CPS drama, new schedules, more exterminator visits, less food in the house, etc

@Petra JaneThank you!

Yeah, sometimes I just get caught up in OTHER PEOPLE.  And ALSO I think in wanting to be more noticeably NOT the same person.  Unfortunately, or otherwise, I cannot really do that. Which is really a happy thing, because, it means I am and have always (bit for a small weirdness in the middle) actually just been who I am.  But I *want* to feel something different.  And I think that's the thing that makes me (and others) rush ahead before dotting Is and crossing ts.  So I am glad for patience I guess. 

Hey @indigoflame0812316 Welcome.    You said you wanted advice? What advice do you want? I mean that genuinely, because you seem to have a lovely handle on what you want to try, and that your wife feels supportive?   More people should know this, like it's some socially hidden secret, but, clothing and makeup is not gendered. You can genuinely wear and try ANYTHING YOU WANT. it won't change who you are, at all, BUT it might make you feel more comfortable, or happier or more like other people can see how you feel you should be seen.    And you said, you spoke to your wife and SHE thinks you want to be a woman? But you didn't say that YOU feel like a woman? How do YOU feel?    Being transgender, or cross dressing, or ANY flavour of LGBTQ+ is PERFECTLY fine, and good. You can wear and present and be whoever, but do it because it comes from YOU.  THAT'S the adventure. And, for me, it has been full of joy. So, I wish that for you. 

I really want you to feel respected and cared for and you are entitled to need to engage in ways that work for you. So, I feel like I want to know What relationships have you had a problem with? Talk me through what the problems look like? I ask this only because, I'm OLD, and you know you can't connect usefully with everyone, and SOMETIMES the person you are trying to connect with ALSO struggles with relationships and you could *just* be misunderstanding each other. And, are the people who call you crazy people you would take advice from?    Also, I *need* to say to you that, being autistic does not mean you cannot have successful relationships. It does not mean that you don't deserve respect, and ALSO, relating to others is a LEARNT SKILL. You can learn. If you want to. BUT you can learn, in ways that WORK for YOU. You are allowed to connect to people in YOUR way, you just need to work out what that means for you and other people you WANT to connect with.    I have absolutely no evidence for this. I don't believe you are a bad person AT ALL.    I don't tell a lot of people this, but, when I was just about 16, I went to a dr for help, because I couldn't settle in my life, and couldn't make friends and couldn't fit in, and felt AWFUL. I *was* diagnosed. And for about a decade I bounced around between school / psychiatric hospitals and on various hard core psychotropic medications. Bipolar.    NO meds worked for me. And EVENTUALLY, about a decade or so later, after months in hospitals, and doing loads of MANDATED therapy, and trigger training and such, I was allowed to stop  all of them (slowly and responsibly) and then I spent all the way until a very short whole ago being extra careful of ALL the things. BUT. It turns out that A LOT of people with real trauma get misdiagnosed with bipolar, so, being diagnosed really just covered up actual solvable problems, and the stigma that goes with such a diagnosis really impacted my life. For NOTHING.    I got my life together, proper jobs and a family and all kinds of good things. BUT, it is only NOW that I am really working through the trauma and the real life stuff, with a person I CHOOSE to work with. And it is life changing. I have MUCH work to do.    This is NOT your story. BUT, I want to say to you, PLEASE get whatever help you need. If you can. A good therapist that you can trust with your REAL things is genuinely transformative. BUT, you don't need to rush to any kind of ADDITIONAL diagnosis. You don't have to BE labelled to be HELPED (although if you NEED a diagnosis it's FINE)  I have shared my story because I can share a story that goes ALL the way from start to completely out the other side, and I can say, a diagnosis can be a double edged sword, and actually, learning who you are and what you need, and recognising what has happened to you and for you, and what you NEED to be safe and to feel loved is ALL important.    You deserve to feel safe and loved, and you know, people are allowed to be clingy and intense. And people can learn WHY that works for them, and they can learn how to do something that works better for them. With OR without a diagnosis. 

@indigoflame0812316 welcome to the forums ! You and i are in very similar situations so its very nice to meet you!    I am also AMAB and 32 years old. I paint my nails all the time now and have discovered that although there is a massive association around it, lots of straight men paint their nails. I also however have recently been doing a lot of cross dressing and enjoying the way it makes me feel and again this doesnt necessarily mean anything other than liking femininity.    What i would reccomend is give it a go. Paint your nails, wear some different clothes, put on some makeup and see how it makes you feel. Your wife loves you for you and the fact that you've had the convo is an amazing place to start. A lot of the time the hyper masculine toxic stuff is just a cover for your real thoughts and feelings. You can always start slow and feel free to drop me a message or post any other questions you have as a fellow questioning AMAB ill do what I can to be helpful 😀  

Hi, @indigoflame0812316! Welcome to TGP. We're glad to have you here.   I think you explained yourself very well. That's wonderful that your wife is accepting (even welcoming, maybe?) the changes in you and that it's brought you closer. This is what I hope for everyone who reveals themselves to their spouse.   You mentioned you need advice. Feel free to ask anything. I'm sure folks will do their best to answer your questions.

You might find she was attracted to you for your feminine traits in the first place.

Well today has been an amazing euphoric day. I feel very feminine and wearing a tube top with a pleated skort. I'm going to start saving up for butt, hip and breast injections. I'm going to hold off on SRS for now due to just how expensive it is. I have experienced a lot of body dysphoria and I finally opened up to the wife and she recommended those injections to get done first to help out with my depression. I'm going to put a lot of focus on the butt with exercising and I'm getting an EMS pair of shorts to stimulate the muscles during workouts to make it more intense. I hope to have more euphoric days. I'm going to stop posting negative posts on Facebook and post funny dad jokes, uplifting and encouraging posts. I'm thinking if I start thinking more positive thoughts my negativity won't be so bad. I still have my RC car that will be a fun hobby. 

You aren't a bad person and you deserve to be treated with respect.   As someone who was bullied when I was at school. I feel this deeply. Its hard to not be harsh on yourself when others are doing it as well.  Just know you are who you are and if people are calling you intense or clingy that is very much a them problem and not a you problem. As hard as it might sound, you WILL find the right people and friends and relationships. People who love you for "YOU"   You find when your older that certsin relationships naturally come to an end and new ones can be made. I dont know the full situation you are in but from my own experience, some of the best, most accepting friends of mine were found after i let older more toxic relationships fizzle out (not through choice i might add). This may not be the case but you deserve to be happy. Yeah this is very common for autistic individuals. I got a diagnosis for autism when i was 28! So quite late in life. The autism made a lot of my life and struggles, especially with relationships make a lot of sense. Just remember that you are your autism as much as neurotypical people are their brains as well. Similarly to what ive said above you will find that as you grow you will find other (potentially autistic) people who you really connect with. As hard as it might be. Try to be kind to yourself because the world is not set up to accommodate you. So by existing in the world and making your way through it. Things will be difficult but your managing it anyway. 

One way I like to think about it. Is even in straight/masculine/feminine circles there is a whole range of ways people express themselves.    Take men for example. You get men that go to the gym, shave their hair short, grow their beards in a certain way to be as masculine as possible whereas others hate facial hair, have rounder faces and do quote unquote non masculine hobbies.    There is no one way to be trans. You have always been you, and you have always been trans. Without sounding like a cliche, some people like to make certain aspects of themselves big parts of their personality and others don't. Neither choice makes you any more or less that part of yourself.   I do get what your saying though. There are certain feelings, experiences or "happenings" that feel like they are essential to having a trans experience and so if I havent had them. Can I call myself trans. But similarly to what ive said above. I still consider myself a man currently, however there are many MANY male experiences that I have not experienced and probably never will but that doesnt isolate me from being one. So i try to think about it in that way and know that i am me. My experiences are valid. And i dont have to prove to anyone that I belong as i am. This is very much true for you as well.    And again for what its worth I don't think your boring I think your great so if your dont trust in yourself. Trust in the me that trusts in you haha  

The book Am I Trans Enough really helped me with this when I read it, but, sometimes, I just feel like I'm still exactly the same me. And *really* YES. EXACTLY SO. OF COURSE I AM. I have always been this much trans, and that's fine. BUT I feel like because I don't really DO anything trans (apart from ALL the things that cis gendered people consider in non medical presentation, but, presentation is just paint really.) ALSO because I don't feel unsafe or like I need to be extra careful. I feel like if my experience of life is a trans experience, then, I don't really need to be bothering folks on a forum, it's just my boring regular life! WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SHOULD BE.   Mostly I am doing a lot of over thinking for no good reason!    It's not so much the kids, but their dad that hurts my thinking on this. 

@Pema LOVE your garden, that is wonderful.

I get downvoted to hell if I say this on Reddit and stuff, but I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I'm only 15 years old. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.   "I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude. Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person. I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right? I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk. I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."   Why do I both posting on Reddit anymore? No one interacts and I just get downvoted and whatnot. Not even people with the disorder I think I have bother to sympathize and share their story...