I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons since 1983 (“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” as it was known then.) I’ve tried a couple of times to DM a campaign, but never felt like I could handle the job and do it justice. Fast-forward to a few months ago when an old D&D pal turned me on to ShadowDark (if you haven’t heard of it, it’s awesome, trust me.) It’s robustly stripped-down from what D&D has become. No fiddly rules, enough differentiation in the classes and ancestries to make it interesting, and magic and combat mechanics that don’t require a damn Doctorate (and three work-study grad students) to decipher. And the encumbrance system? Don’t even get me started on how incredibly EASY it is to maintain it.   I am thrilled to say I’ve been running an occasional but enthusiastic campaign in the Shadowdark system for about a month now, and it’s INCREDIBLE. And to boil what could be a much longer, gushier post, I wanted to say that I built an NPC the other day. A Priest who became a healer because he renounced his faith in favor of something closer to his inner truth and so doing lost his “divine healing” abilities. But he was still prodigious without magic and did just fine. And then discovered a mysterious pull to a new faith, one of a “Lost” God of whom he knows nothing, except that upon waking from a dream, he knew he must follow this path. And slowly, his magic begins to return…   So that’s all cool and all, but then I realized: that’s a stylized autobiographical account of me and my journey to this Bigender/nonbinary shift I’ve discovered at the ripe young age of REALLY FREAKIN’ OLD. The above summary isn’t really representative of the actual verbiage, but when I was reading back over it I was a little floored. Funny the way we can slip things in where we least expect.   ….ANYway…the moral of the story is, check out ShadowDark from the Arcane Library if you’ve wanted to run a D&D game but have NEVER had the patience to actually DM a session (like ME!) It’s a glorious system. And remember: ATTACK THE LIGHT.

Hello again, everyone. I've wanted to start a thread where I could just share some of my experiences, because I think my path is less common than most. But I wasn't sure which section to post in. I decided this one made the most sense to me, because I don't know "what I am." I doubt I ever will, largely because I don't think I fit in any of the categories I've ever heard used. I also don't really have any desire to be categorized, so all is well from my perspective.   I've been an avid gardener for more than 35 years. Something about plants just "makes sense" to me. Before I retired from the workforce, I could have the most frustrating day at work but then go out and do absolutely anything in the garden and be at complete peace. I live in Western Washington State on 5 acres, most of it heavily forested, but with a sizable clearing around the house. In my 29 years here, I've converted nearly all of that cleared area to a garden. I also grow tree seedlings and plant them in the surrounding forest. There is little that I'd rather do than be outside communing with plants in some way.   Here is a photo of most of my garden space, taken by an arborist high up a tree in March of 2023:     At this point, it was early in the year before much of anything had come up. By mid-summer it becomes a jungle. I'll post more photos in this thread.   I garden the same way I do Life. But, as the saying goes, "How you do anything is how you do everything." To me, everything is an experiment. Things don't always work out the way you hope or plan. At times, that can be very disappointing. My approach is to plant many different seeds - also known as not putting all of your eggs in one basket. Not everything will germinate, thrive, bloom, produce fruit, but if you plant enough different things, *something* will. So that's what I do. There are still heartbreaks. Right now, the moles are absolutely killing my vegetable garden (and several annual flowers) - and they're evading my traps. Even with the "losses," I don't have to look far to see something that is succeeding - and beautiful. So it's always a mixed bag, just like Life.   My garden isn't a "show" garden. Parts of it can become a bit...wild at times: too crowded; weird combinations of heights, colors, textures; bizarre flowers that nobody's ever seen and maybe you have to put your face down to the ground even to see. And that's OK. I don't garden for other people's benefit (although I do end up giving away quite a bit of produce some years). My garden is my playground, my sanctuary, my passion. I do it for the *doing* of it far more than for any result. And I do it in the way that works for me.   All of that is very much how I live my life, too. I'm not trying to be what other people expect or want or even can identify. I don't feel a need to name "what I am." I am *this*, I am me. I just *am*. As soon as people learn that I am "a gardener," they make assumptions about me and about my garden. Some of those assumptions may be somewhat valid. I suspect there will be many surprises, though. The same is true of my "identity." To try to name it feels like an exercise in trying to limit my Being so that other people can see me as "like" something with which they're familiar. Again, I suspect that would lead to many surprises.   That's my introduction to this thread. From here, I'll post more about my explorations - inner and outer. Feel free to join in if you're interested.

You do have some LGBT Centers in your area that often will have a list of providers that their members have recommended for working with sexual and gender issues.  The centers will also have self-help discussion groups that are "come as you are" and can help you first by simply being with other Trans or possible the other letters as well.  Out where I live, I have moderated more than one such group and know how much can be gotten from them. 

Yes.  Not my choice, but theirs.  My birth family entirely rejected me, except for my sister.  She sort of has contact with them still, but not a lot.  I have no contact at all.  When I was assaulted and almost killed and they didn't bother to call or write or express anything.  After years of silence, it made the point pretty final.     I have a new family now - I chose them and they chose me.  I have everyone I need, and nobody I don't.

On a side note, its interesting that they are debating DNA testing.  All officers have to do to get a sample is go via the back path and demand the use of a breathalyzer.  Saliva sample from the disposable tube is enough.  I wonder how long until they figure that one out?

What the "traditional" Republicans just don't understand is that it isn't the 1950s anymore, and that the 1950s nuclear family was in some ways an illusion.  The majority of Republican voters don't even live in that sort of household.  Its a black-and-white Mayberry-style Boomer fantasy.     I grew up in a traditional nuclear family.  Career father, homemaker mother, 2 boys, 2 girls, picket fence, dog and cat....  Looked great on the surface.  Underneath the all-American appearance we had a domineering and somewhat abusive father, a distant and enabling mother, two spoiled macho jocks, an ignored lesbian, and... intersex/trans me.  Yep, nuclear family is absolutely everybody's best life 🥴

"In essentials, unity.  In non-essentials, liberty.  In all things, charity." - Rupertus Meldenius, 17th century Lutheran theologian

I found a link in the Carolyn’s post. I’ll check the link to,see what I can find. 

I hope I’m allowed to ask this question.   I’ve been trying to find a good psychiatrist in the Tampa, Florida area, and so far, I’m having a difficult time getting them to reply to my email or messages. I know not everyone will take my insurance, but a call back or reply would be nice. I did find a psychotherapist online that specializes in LGBTQ, anxiety and stress and we talk tomorrow. Hopefully, I feel comfortable enough to begin the process of finding myself, but knowing me, it’s possible I get nervous, or scared and don’t feel comfortable, and shut down.   If anyone knows a psychiatrist in the Tampa, Florida area, I would appreciate it. I don’t really want to go the medication route after spending 37 years on Xanax and 2 years getting off it, so a psychologist, instead of psychiatrist, might be good.    Thanks,  Its not easy, but I’ve started the journey and that’s progress 😁

Thank you, so much for the advice. I couldn’t do this without therapy. I found it tough to find an LGBTQ psychiatrist, sent 3   or 4 a message and didn’t hear back. I found a psychotherapist that specializes in these things and my appt. is tomorrow. Honesty is the hardest part, but I’m closer now than I ever have been. If I can do it without meds, that’s my goal, but I also know my limits now, so if that’s something I have to do to help get through this, I’m all for it. Thanks again!    I want to apologize for any double posts or spelling. I get nervous, I type my msg, click submit and then I realize the errors. I didn’t realize there wasn’t an edit option, so I will be sure to double check things before submitting. 

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I just started working through the workbook you recommended April, and it's nice to have an organized framework to follow.   I have been feeling resistant to working with a therapist. I think part of that is an old habit I have of feeling like I should be self-reliant and figure things out myself (a good habit to break out of, probably). But another part is feeling reluctant to take what still feels like a natural, positive exploration and pathologizing it. I think I'm worried that working with a therapist would add weight or expectation to things that I'm not ready for. My instinct is to set rules for myself about when I start talking to a therapist and commit to following them. I spent some time researching indicators that mental health professionals recommend for when to consider therapy and came up with these rules: Green Light: Feeling curious, supported, and able to pause my exploration when needed without distress. (No need for a therapist) Yellow Light: Experiencing repetitive thinking loops, moderate stress that doesn't impact daily life, or curiosity about specific next steps (like medical options) where professional guidance might clarify things faster. (Consider a consultation or a few sessions.) Red Light: Significant impairment in daily function (trouble sleeping, working, or maintaining relationships), feeling stuck on a question or identity layer despite having the time and resources to explore it, persistent high anxiety or sadness, safety concerns, feeling overwhelmed by external pressures (like stress over discrimination), interpersonal problems I can't resolve, or compulsive thinking that leads to exhaustion. (Should work with a therapist.) I'm curious if this way of thinking resonates with others, or feels healthy to you. Or if you think I'm fooling myself! Sorry to hear that presenting femme with your husband doesn't feel possible right now Emme. I'm not sure what that would actually be like for me and my wife. It's nice to think about, but another thing entirely to actually do.

I served in the U.S. Navy from 1984 - 1986.  I was a Gunner’s Mate. Unfortunately during the horrible DADT era. 

Not sure how many people will be into similar music to me but thought I'd throw my hat in the ring so to speak.   Black veil brides just released a new spng and its an actual banger!!  Its called "woe and pain"   Depending on if anyone has interest in can talk more about what music I like 😂

Well, @Willow, I personally think that you shouldn't have destroyed that story that you were working on. Even if you're positively sure that you don't wanna work on it anymore, I think it's healthy and helpful for us as artists to be able to look back at our old work and feel proud of how far we've come over the years. I have drawing pads that date all the way back to when I was in Primary (Elementary) School, and while I wouldn't post any of them online, I'm glad I've still got them in storage, just in case I ever fancy reminding myself how far I've come since then.   Besides, some of your old ideas can always be reused and/or reworked into your new ones! I'm currently working with the idea that my protagonists' name (pre-transition, that is) is Prince Trystan - a name I already used on a previous character of mine. In fact, I might even reuse the old Trystan's character design for the new one!

Thank you, so much for the advice. I couldn’t do this without therapy. I found it tough to find an LGBTQ psychiatrist, sent 3 or 4 a message and didn’t hear back. I found a psychotherapist that specializes in these things and my appt. is tomorrow. Honesty is the hardest part, but I’m closer now than I ever have been. If I can do it without meds, that’s my goal, but I also know my limits now, so if that’s something I have to do to help get through this, I’m all for it. Thanks again! 

I felt neither actually. Mostly I remember feeling numb. I laid in bed and just felt nothing. Maybe that was relief, but it was nice that the fugue between my brain, heart and soul was finally resembling something like peace.  Later, after hearing the love and acceptance of my wife, I felt both fear and excitement. But my very first feeling that I felt was a calming numbness.

Thank you for sharing and welcome.  At 50 o finally was able to accept myself as a trans woman. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve been through.  I had to undo a lot of conditioning to start accepting another side of me that has always been there.  Kudos on therapy! my humble advice is that you also see a psychiatrist as they’re able to diagnose and follow up as well as make recommendations on therapy.  I had to start antidepressants for a while until I got to a better place with who I am.  best emme

Trans Group Zoom Meeting, Saturday (Sun. in Aus) !!   Trans Groups Zoom Meeting Times:   June 13, 2026 6:00 PM Pacific Time June 13, 2026 8:00 PM Central Time June 13, 2026 9:00 PM Eastern Time June 14, 2026 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Join Zoom Meeting   https://us06web.zoom.us/j/85432174920?pwd=JpXXbFwA7ZZOueZt3arLI8gjLiEOxw.1   Meeting ID: 854 3217 4920 Passcode: 076984  

Hi, Stephie.  Welcome to TGP!   I can so relate to your introduction, including the worries about telling my wife, and the motivation to get out of the closet before I died.  I was 62 when I came out.   There are lots of others here in similar situations, past or present.  So please wander around the site, ask questions, and join in any discussions.

Hello Everyone, I’m Stephie. I’m a 60 year old AMAB, but I’ve known that I was a female since my earliest childhood memories.  When I was a child most people thought I was a girl, which made me happy.  I would often be told I was in the wrong restroom when I went to the boy’s room. Adults would tell me that I was such a cute girl.  I was very content as that child.  Then puberty came along and made me look like a male.  I was relentlessly bullied for being a feminine teenage boy and never fit in.  It also didn’t help that I grew up in a small southern US town in a Christian conservative family in the 1970s-80s, and I joined the military after high school during the DADT era.  It was not a safe time or place to be non-gender conforming, so I pushed my true self as far back into the closet that I could and pretended to be a man.  I’m 60 and still in the closet today, but it’s getting sooo much harder to continue to live this lie.  I fear dying without ever having lived as my true self…without letting Stephie live her life free and open.  I’m married and my wife doesn’t know, and I don’t want to blow up her life.  But the storm is brewing inside me and I feel like I can’t stop it.  I’ve watched some shows and movies with my wife in the past to try to prompt some discussion.  Like Transparent and Will & Harper, but she always makes comments about how horrible those people were for ruining their wife’s life.  I’m not sure what to do, but I thought I’d start here where I can see the journeys you have all taken before me.  I look forward to getting to know others in this forum.