gender euphoria is better than drugs

I started therapy 16 years ago because I was unable to be in a healthy relationship either because i'd pick the people who I knew were not a good match and I just wanted to be with someone or the ones who were good for me I would scare away with my insecurities. I would have not had the clarity I have today if it wasn't for therapy. Therapy was my safe space to just explore ALL of my feelings. There were no constraints. I could talk about my desire to look different and feel different and about how my whole brain had evolved since I started HRT. I've told my therapist things I hadn't told anyone before and it felt so liberating. most of my life I held on to thoughts and feelings that i was afraid to share out of fear of judgement. I found out I was my own worst critic and that I had way more control of my life than I thought. A lot of things became clearer about my gender identity because i was able to talk about them and explore the feelings with my therapist. I realized my path was unique. Initially i thought I wanted to stay nonbinary forever and sometimes I still do. But lately I've been feeling the pull to explore more femininity. (The body changes that I experienced after several months of starting HRT were quite affirming. I enjoy my softer skin, thinner body hair, and my tiny breasts.) I realized that I was being very hard of myself for not realizing sooner that my gender identity was never male.  I was a product of society and a very macho culture that would have never allowed me to be anything else. I realized I had to step away from circles and spaces where I felt oppressed if I expressed myself in ways other than those expected by those around me. I was always uncomfortable around cisgender heterosexual people because I knew i did not fit in.  It took a long time for me to work through childhood trauma and abuse and if it was not for therapy I don't think i could have done it on my own. it sounds like you want to approach this as a project that needs to be completed but all of this is way more complex because you have so many variables and some of those are out of anyone's control.  but maybe I'm wrong and for some people things are very clear and the path to their truest self is very clear. In my gender exploration i realized that things were never linear for me. I couldn't think of this as a project that needed to be worked and figured out and tied nicely with a bow at the end of it. I wake up knowing that I allow myself to be whoever I want to be (as long as it's safe for me and my family) and that who I am may change or it may become clearer that i identify as a trans woman and I allow myself to be okay with all of that. I try to find peace within and approach life with kindness and love, every day. This is due to the HRT. I really believe that. When I started taking HRT I was scared that suddenly I would feel like I had to identify as a woman and I had to fully transition in order to be seen and accepted as a woman (transwoman). I am working through all of that with my therapist. I was loosing sleep over the fact that with my body and voice I could never pass as a cis woman and it seemed to me that I was removing myself from a the box of being a masculine male (to please others) and placing myself into a box of being a feminine passing female (also mostly to please others).  I don't want boxes anymore and I want to be myself and express myself in a way that works for me and feels right for me. Having a spouse has made all of this more complicated. And that is an understatement. I've worked through a lot of my grief in therapy. At first I was angry that my spouse "was not okay" with me becoming a different person than the one he knew.  I gave it sometime and then I became curious about his reasons and I listened. I went from "how dare you not be cool with this" to "I see your limitations and I am working on being more patient about your processing of all of this". Our relationship has never been stronger but also less certain and I am okay with that. Just as I try to find the happiest version of myself, i know that he deserves to figure out who he is truly happy with even if that isn't me. One thing that threw me off was that he'd always say "i'm happy for you. I support you" but the more real it became and the more different I became from the person he married 13 years ago, the less it felt like he was happy for me and the less he seemed to want to support it all. Once I told him i'd made up my mind and I was fully transitioning and he basically said that it wouldn't work out for him and we'd have to figure out a way to start separating romantically and everything else.  My post is all over that place. full disclosure i do have ADD.  Can't wait to hear more about your exploration. I'm happy for you.    

Ah the weekend hath arrived!   We are having a Luau today.  I wanted to find a grass skirt and coconut bra but no luck except on Amazon and their delivery was too late.  I did manage to find an inexpensive blouse and I have a skirt I think will work with it so that’s how I’m going.     @Tiana my fiction story was written as part of my initial mental therapy when I first started going to a therapist at 69 years old and was diagnosed.  It was assigned or even suggested it was something strictly for me.  My wife found out I was writing something at night and asked to see it.  I had finished it but it wasn’t for anyone else so I deleted it.  Now, is it possible that I still have a “hidden” copy hidden away? Yes I’m pretty sure I know where it is.  Do I intend to bring it to light ever again? Not a chance.   @awkward-yet-sweet I like your quote.  You can still surprise me with the things you know.   @KymmieL, my after-market radio works great.  Unfortunately, I can’t say that about the speakers. I am having to power the reverse camera independently.  I thought I could power it through the backup lights but that’s not working so I’ve brought wiring to the front and will hook it up to an independent switch so that I can turn it on and off as needed.  But the first thing I have to do is flip the image over.  I thought there was a setting for that but I can’t find it now nor can I find the mirror image.  I guess I’ll have to disconnect the battery and reconnect it when I’ve got the camera on so the radio settings are reset .  That’s the only time I’ve seen what I need to change it.      

I am dreadfully sorry @DrunkJamI guess I wasn't thinking and it was a horrible thing to say. I cannot express how hard it is to be mis-gendered and especially from one of us here in the forum. Please, please, please accept my sincerest apologies. God, I feel awful and you do I'm sure.

There is no edit, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but, I actually took the time to SAY yesterday, on a different thread, that I often feel that you have to be a specific KIND of trans to fit in on here....   Turns out, if you are not, you can *actually* just be erased. On the other hand, it might be that *I* am not necessarily causing the feeling of not belonging... 

Another Poem   Everyday is a big day, especially when you're transforming. It's like being in a circus, because your life is about performing.   Today I will become more visible, to the people who think that they know me. Funny enough; most people don't know the me that they think the see.   But, it's not my day, it belongs to my eldest son and father. I just want to fade into the background, Heck, I'd be somewhere else if I could.   They'll all see me, and those that don't will soon hear. Lydia is me,  and if they can't handle that:   F*** them!  I exist and I am loved.

@Heather Shay It would be lovely, considering the nature of this as a trans friendly forum, NOT to be included with *ladies*.   Who knew there are trans people NOT aiming at feminine?!

@HeatherI have felt for a long time like a part of me was frozen or something at about 12 or 13. Just now occurred to me that maybe it was related to longing for a second chance at puberty, hoping to get it right???   I initiated a follow up conversation with my wife last night. All is still good relationally. In fact, we have a fun date night planned. I will still be presenting male, but wearing fun expressive guys stuff. She’s cool with more expressive clothing, maybe pushing androgynous boundaries. Male/neutral jewelry is ok. So is applying a clear coat to my nails. But there is definitely a “Proceed With Caution” sign up. We agree that I should focus on my internal feelings before presenting openly. She really liked my idea of adding art therapy to my ongoing therapy and work on expressing myself and my feelings creatively. it will be a lot of small baby steps for now. I do feel a bit less dysphoric and definitely more at peace with myself. 

Can't even pick out flats,right.

Do you feel that you've missed so much coming and are playing catch up?

@Marai, @Nina M, @KathyLauren, @AllieJ, @DrunkJam  Ladies - your stories are so re-assuring in my regard because I still feel like the massive amount of growing up and learning how to be a woman depresses me often and I get frustrated. I had 2 years of walking on eggshells with my spouse and she finally decided to stay but I still don't feel that comfortable and you've at least given me hope and realize I'm not the only one.

Interesting - I came out to my wife at 68 and 30 years of marriage - I did eventually have her accept me after 2 years of living hell and she still doesn't realize how much I missed by not growing up as a girl and I still feel like a 6 year old.

I never really had a big coming out as a lesbian. Why do I want to hang what everyone knows about who I am on who I am attracted to?   BUT   For TG, it's much more complicated (I am learning) Because, if I want people to address me in ways that make me feel more comfortable, then I need to explain.    I do not have a family or a partner (and I am struggling right now with the LACK) So I have no need to explain that way. My kids are pretty accepting, without explicit things, of who I am and what I look like, and who I might ever bring home etc. My daughter especially wants me not to be alone etc.   I have tried to come out to ONE friend and I feel like it went OK, but, I am not SURE how it plays out longer term.    I am feeling very fragile at the moment though, so, it feels different somehow.    I am lucky that I have no emotional problem or fear or whatever about who I *am* in terms of gender, but, right now, it's very small compared to OTHER things.    I don't know, but I would like to volunteer myself as a kind of coming out big sibling, so that someone who isn't me can feel held in care and have a place to bring their feelings and ongoing journey.