Heather, my lovely, I am really sorry for my snappy comment. I sometimes feel like a bit of a lone FtM (ish) voice, and so, might have kid of over protected that space? I understood it wasn't malicious, and I am very willing to just put it behind me (honestly, people have been gendering me in that direction for a LOT of years, it will take a LOT of time and effort for people (and sometimes even me!) to routinely not do so.    I think we can (I HOPE we can) move forward together from this, and everything will be fine and we can share experiences and I can benefit from all your knowledge and kindness. 

The fight goes on for all.

Still struggling with my internal thoughts.

Do you have support around you? Does this forum help you? How can we help more?

Thank you and I love that you are moving ahead. Those are brave steps and I am proud of you. And no, you did not overact. You deserve respect and dignity, ALWAYS.

Hi @Amber48glad you are here and know you have found a place of safety and community. You are not alone. Love Big Lebowski and Stephen King and many other things you've mention. You you can ask whatever you need to ask and be greeted by people who get it and understand and are willing to give you advice based on personal experience, not telling you what you should do, because you are YOU, whatever you feel is right for you but with love and truth and honesty for you to have others perspectives. Hugs. Heather

Welcome, Amber! Needing to find community as I discovered my true identity was what brought me here, as well! Excitement. Fear. It seems that we all go through those emotions. And then, suddenly, you look around and just the excitement remains.   I'm so glad you found our community. Please let me know if I can be of assistance!

That's a perfect approach, Dave. Finding your look, your style are all part of the process and many of us plunge into it spending lots of money that gets wasted on things that really aren't right for us. Slow and steady wins the race. My first wig purchase was a total failure. It was the color I probably could have been when I was young, but at 68, gray is my best color.

Welcome to TGP forums, Dave! I'm sorry to be late in welcoming you!! Thank you for sharing so much of your story with us. You've gone through a lot in your life and it's only natural that you feel some confusion and mixed emotions. Adding in the stresses of family illness, aging parents and other strains, it's no wonder you're feeling confused.   But, you are right that it's time to focus on you. As you know, life is short and living without taking the time to fully comprehend who YOIU are just denies you of the happiness of discovering your true self. Perhaps that's Dave, just who you are. Perhaps that's a gay version of Dave. Perhaps that's a Dave who loves to embrace the feminine aspects of himself and becomes "Diane" (or whatever name you choose) through crossdressing. And perhaps that's a new, feminine you who opts to embrace some amount of transition to become the real "you."    The reality is that gender is a spectrum, not an either/or world that much of our society wants to embrace...because it's easier to understand. Gender is much more complex, as you're feeling it to be as you deal with the various emotions and feelings you have.   It's so good that you're going to work with a therapist. I noted you were having some difficulty finding one. Heather mentioned the options of finding one on-line. That's how I found mine. She lives in KY and I'm in PA. I've been working withe her for over 3 years and we've only ever met through a Zoom-like platform. That form of therapy may not work for you but it's been perfect for me.   In any case, you're never too late to begin the journey. Many of us, especially in our generation, started late. I was 68, now 71 and began hormone therapy a little less than a year ago. Understanding what was causing all of those thoughts and emotions and then embracing who I truly am has been life-changing and so very emotionally rewarding.    Feel free to reach out to if I can be of any assistance.

I’m new to this and I bought an inexpensive one on Amazon, it was under $25. I’m only wearing it at home to see how I like it, love it by the way, so spending a lot right now isn’t a priority for me. 

I guess I’m lucky in those regards.  I’ve always had fairly low T, and I don’t have much body hair.  None on my legs, so I don’t even have to shave. 

Thank you for this, Heather. I see music fitting into this metaphor well, too. Think of all the notions people have of what sounds "good" or "right" - or the opposites of those. Consider the tritone, long known as "the devil's interval," now widely accepted (well, OK, by most folks) in various seventh chords and elsewhere. Even our 12-tone, equal-temperament chromatic scale is a subset of infinitely many possibilities based on some determination of what "sounds good." But other cultures use different tonal systems and are perfectly happy with them - and "microtonal" music (so named because it "deviates from the norm") is becoming more popular these days.   So the whole idea that there's a "right way" or a "wrong way" to do music is kind of silly to me. Music is self-expression; we can do whatever works for us, and nobody is harmed by our doing that. Other people may or may not share our tastes. Ours may be similar to what other people are doing, or it may not. I feel very much the same way about gender (and everything else we do for that matter). Who decides what qualifies as music (versus what doesn't)? What is masculine or feminine or even gender-coded at all? It's all in the mind of the beholder as far as I'm concerned. We can see it however we choose to see it.

Well on June 8th we know a trans woman was fatally shot. The location that it happened isn't even 4.5 hours away from me. They didn't even say the shooter was in custody. I have really limited my trips outside of my apartment. It's either groceries or dropping off/picking up the kids, taking the trash out and getting mail. The VA is now no longer going to treat for gender dysphoria for new veterans. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they come after the ones that have already had it. This has had me freaked out big time! I have decided when this happens I will shop for hormones on the black market. I have spent decades of being depressed and I refuse to go back to that again! Here's something funny though remember when MAGA was shooting Bud Light after the commercial with a trans woman? Bud Light is sponsoring the UFC event at the White House. I don't even know if I want to go to church tomorrow. I have had HORRIBLE body dysphoria the past few days. I don't even stand a chance at blending in. I was clocked while taking the trash out and I wasn't even a minute away from my apartment. My wife doesn't know how to support me. She doesn't even try to read about trans people. I have hinted at it to her and she thinks she knows everything about trans people because she has dated a couple of us. I have cried numerous times at night quietly because she just will never understand. I don't know what to do. I'm in love with her but she isn't showing effort to actually learn about trans people. She does understand that body dysphoria is horrible at least and I have expressed that it is worse than my PTSD from Iraq. The last words she said was hopefully the Democrats take over the mid terms and then she said if not it's two more years which just put me in further with depression. I don't even have anyone to talk to about my issues besides my therapist which I see once a week. I attempted to go to a trans dinner that happens locally and as soon as I entered I saw all the people and I was freaking out. I waited for my wife to finish eating at least and I couldn't handle it. My arms and legs were trembling. I want to become sociable once again but I don't know how much longer it will take. PTSD isn't cured with a magic wand. I haven't posted lately because I have been busy moving from a house to an apartment. I did finally finish my new pink carbon fiber desk and I'm able to have my computer and my gaming systems on it and still have room. I feel like my feelings aren't valid. I was on Reddit and an intersex started to talk to me but stopped. I told her I wished I had her body. She has a perfect form of a feminine body. We talked a little bit more. She hasn't talked to me today. I'm probably not good enough. My self esteem is so LOW I just want to crawl in a testicle and cry. I'm crying now. I feel so low. I'm not suicidal just not feeling good. I hate having borderline personality disorder. I can't predict my mood. I could feel just fine in an hour and then be back to how I am now. I can't regulate my mood. I don't have enough time at therapy to discuss my life problems and borderline personality disorder too. I have had way too many issues to talk about and before I know it my time is up and even sometimes I'm not able to talk about all my issues. Well if you have taken the time to read this I thank you. 

Yes, I shave my legs and I love it! I never did when I was younger though. That wouldn’t not have gone over well back then. With family or friends. I was too scared. I never liked my legs though, but after I shaved them, omg, I kind of fell in love with them. I shaved my legs for the first time about 6 years ago. I got te courage to say something to my ex wife and she said go for it. I was like, wow…ok. I never had much body hair to begin with, never knew I could grow a mustache until I was 60 and I only grew that 2 times to see if it changed my perspective. Yes, It changed it a little and I didn’t like it, so I shaved that too. I don’t like body hair, never have, so I not only shave my legs, I shave my underarms and arms too. I never had any hair on my chest other than the 2 or 3 that might grow around my nipples, if I let them. I think not having body hair has always enforced my feminine thoughts and that’s something I really like.