@Amber48 I can be your friend. I'm not too much younger than you. I'm turning 42 on the 16th of this month. I have about every gaming system covered. PlayStation 1-5, Xbox original-Xbox Series X. All Nintendo handhelds, Steam, Epic Games, GOG, I have ISOs from Atari 2600-Playstation 4 and Xbox. I have over 8 TB of games on my hard drive. I'm a disabled combat Iraq veteran. I'm a parent of two boys so they sometimes keep me busy. I have a DVD collection of over 1600 in alphabetical order. I love animals but seriously allergic to cats and dogs it's to the point I have an Epi Pen on me at all times. I also love reptiles. I love fashion and have over 25 pairs of boots, 26 pairs of shoes and heels, a walk-in closet full of clothes. I rarely put makeup on though. If you want to send a PM then I would love to talk. 

Ah, I see. That does make sense. Sorry. 

Ah, I see.    But then, maybe you can learn from this?    parents are / can be difficult. (I AM a parent, and my parents disowned me, so, I am trying to work out how to do what my kids -  19 and 12 - need, and make sure they know they are loved for ALL that they are, and all that stuff, but, really, I have no idea what I am doing, and I need them to ALSO understand that, I might well wrong sometimes!)    You haven't stopped travelling though! So, you can change the things you don't like? 

I wasn't precise.  There were of course, many people in previous generations who had tattoos.  But in my generation and prior, they were occupational.  Sailors had them.  Military men.  Lumberjacks.  Tattoos indicated a highly physical trade.  In generations younger than mine, tattoos do not suggest an occupation: anyone might have one.

Basically what I am trying to say was that I realized with the movie that I felt just as the main character did, but I had also realized within my own self (not the movie I promise) that I've become more hateful internally over certain things that my parents say that I know I cannot talk back to them about because it will just continue this cycle of them telling me that this is a decision I will regret. The movie was beautiful and I loved it so, but I just wished within myself that when I came out and finally accepted myself that I wasn't so hateful and reserved as I am now especially around the two people I am supposed to go to with problems and ask advice for the most part. 

@Amber48 I am envious of your 5’6” 140lb body. I’m 6’4” and 230 lbs. You’ll have a lot more options for great clothes and shoes! You’re gonna look fantastic!

Thank you for being here.  I appreciate that the focus of the site is affirmation and caring. It is therapeutic to be able to post things I would have to keep to myself before. I am new on the journey and just building my support system. My therapist is very supportive, but 1 hour a week is not enough. My wife knows and is initially supportive, but it’s Proceed with Caution mode for now.  It helps just to be able to come here and know there is affirmation and love.

I never would have thought about watching Barbie until my egg cracked. It would have been Oppenheimer for me. But I offered to watch with my wife a couple of days ago and actually enjoyed it.  I found myself identifying with Barbie much more than Ken. The changes that come from just listening to my authentic self are absolutely amazing.

This is not a movie I am familiar with. But 'hateful' seems like a strong choice of words?    Do you wish for more people to support you on your journey? 

Thank you, thank you, thank you 😊 yes, it’s been a long tough journey, but looking back now, it’s also been a very slow educational experience too. Watching family and friends pass away for whatever the reason may be, has made me look at this differently. I don’t care what we have or how much we have, if we aren’t happy inside, deep inside, nothing else will make us happy. So when I looked at it this way and then looked inside myself, I saw the female side and she wanted to be happy too, so decided to open up, even if just a little. Let her out and let myself accept it. If doing this helps me to be comfortable and to keep facing this, I’m all in. I don’t want to be that scared little boy anymore. So, My new therapist will be my safe place and not my hiding place. My journey will begin and I’ll find my happiness, even if I find that, that’s a different me or maybe I should say, even if it’s the real me! 

Thank you, Nina.     This is very much the crux of the issue for me. I have literally, my entire life, felt like "this is not the way" and "this does not make sense" about *so much* of what I was told I had to do. To be honest, "gender" wasn't particularly high on the list of issues where I felt like society was incongruous with who I was and what my values were; it was just one of many seemingly semi-nonsensical things. So I felt like everything about life in this world was a forced, structured adherence to a mechanical system that served only those who had power. There was no room for individuality or even personal preferences.   I was blessed and cursed with a strong need to question and defy "authority." I literally *could not* simply obey and assimilate. Like most of us, I was immediately punished for straying from the script, but my response was to observe and gauge where the boundaries were and whether the consequences outweighed the rewards. I learned to be strategic about how and where and when I'd "disobey." In my teens, I saw even more that the "benefits" of conforming were mostly illusory (and soul-sacrificing) and that the punishments weren't especially damaging. That was when I learned the importance of "disappointing" people and being OK with it.   In adulthood, as I gained more autonomy, authority, and "power," I continued to extend my way of living life as I chose - always constrained by what was actually possible in the world as it exists. I can't count the number of times people - in work and in my personal life - said something like "You can't DO that!" And I'd say, "Watch me." I've been telling my wife for years, "I didn't come to eff around."   I wasn't specifically "unhappy" about being stuck in the role playing "a man," as much as I didn't understand it and it didn't fit me. Eventually, early last year, I discovered that I *do* have some very strong traits that the culture I live in would classify as "female/feminine," and it was a bit startling to me. As these traits appeared more frequently and strongly (because now I knew there were there!), it was hard not to see those - plus all of the other ways that I've always been more "female" than "male" - as not pointing toward my being transgender. At this point in my life, I have zero interest in being in denial about myself, so I immediately knew I needed to accept and explore this aspect of myself.     That is very interesting. I can't say that I have a vision in my head of what I want to "manifest" (which I think is a great word). All I really want to do is just BE as I am, completely free and unhindered by any societal expectations - about "gender" or anything else. And I know, people will make counter-arguments along the lines of "But what if that means <doing some horrible thing>? Don't we have to have limits and require some level of conformity?" I see that as fear-mongering. I have no desire to break laws (the just ones anyway) nor to harm anyone nor inhibit anyone's ability to pursue the same level of freedom. So, for me, this will all be a process of just feeling my way to the "next right step," not the implementation of a grand plan. I know there will be some trial-and-error exploration in that process. And this is something I will likely do for as long as I live.     In purely pragmatic terms, I guess I can't see how one can transition in a way that people see you as a man up until a moment where we can pass as a woman, and then everyone will see you as a woman. Part of transitioning is - necessarily, I think - transitioning for the people in our lives, too.     This is a huge factor for me. I really don't see this "man/woman" or "male/female" distinction the way others seem to. I feel extremely confident that "man" and "masculine" are very much not descriptors that fit me. While I don't feel the same clear negative identification with "woman" or "female," I also can't say anything like "Yes, that's who/what I am." It's much more a case of "This is the strange system of categorizing people that society uses. Neither option fits me, but if I have to choose one, I guess it'll be that one." Even the "other" options still assume a buying-in to the gender construct, and I'm just not seeing it.   Thank you for your mention of Kate Bornstein. I haven't read any of her writing, but I'd be surprised if it doesn't assume an acceptance of gender essentialism. I'm not saying I won't read her, but...it's summer; the garden beckons.     Thank you! This is another fertile area rich with metaphors. What part is forest and what is garden? Where is the boundary? What about the tree seedlings that pop up among the eggplants? What about the "weeds?" Some of them have beautiful flowers. What about the oyster shells that the ravens drop and then I use as separators for my garlic varieties? Isn't it all - including me - one thing: nature expressing itself in ALL of its forms?

Hey Dave !   It's lovely to meet you.   You have been through such a lot! I hope that finding your place on this journey and being able to focus on who you are, and being yourself and caring for that true self will bring you peace and (I keep telling people this, but, for me, and my own gender journey, I have had a LOT of sparkly joy, so, I wish it for you too!) Sparkly joy! 

I posted a few pics in the members gallery. 

This is what I am looking for. And I feel like, I have always been looking for this. And it might be *easy* to attach that to "I *definitely* don't fit any of the experiences I have around me of my assigned gender" because gender is a pervasive quality that *everyone* has experience of. But, WHAT IF it is not the case that NOT being 'a' is very different from *definitely* being 'b' and, WHAT IS IT ABOUT 'a' that I KNOW I am definitely NOT (what qualities are intrinsically ONLY held within 'a' that I cannot feel I have?) And then the same questions for point 'b'?   The problem I am having with my gender journey is that I feel more comfortable presenting a thing that the world construes as more masculine coded, and that's fine. But that's presentation. What I am struggling with is that I cannot find ANY intrinsic quality of EITHER gender that stands alone for ONLY that gender? Dressing a particular way does NOT make me x gender. Liking a particular hobby does NOT make me x gender. WHAT IS IT that is intrinsic *gender*? The answers elude me.    The idea of altering the prevailing hormonal drive is SO fascinating to me. I am SO close to feeling the *need* for this, but, I feel like I need to answer more questions about WHO I AM  first?   (And I am also aware that I have a higher amount of T than your average AFAB, but, I ONLY know this for old medical reasons, most people would not, and who has exactly the average amount of anything anyway?!)   All of which feeds in to perhaps a need for a different kind of support in my searching for answers? Or for there to be different questions in the first place? I don't know. I might just be a weirdo (which I am also fine with) 

Thank you very much. It’s very difficult, very confusing and also very frustrating when you don’t know, when you feel alone, and when you try to fix everything but the actual issues. Therapy has been a big part of my life and I know how important it is, but this was so overwhelming that I chose to shutdown my life, rather than face what terrified me. I created an average life, that was the best I could do hiding the way I did, and maybe being on Xanax made it easier to hide, but once I stopped Xanax 37 years later, my world and everything I built started crumbling and no matter how much I tried to repair things, they began crumbling faster and faster. Then I found myself hiding again and questioning everything about myself. Like I said, I know I’m a man and I like women or maybe I’ve forced myself to like women out of shame, I don’t think it’s that though, because inside me, it’s a different feeling and different emotions and part very much likes men. I don’t look at men and go wow, it’s not like that either.    I reached out to 2 new psychiatrist’s that take my insurance. It’s a Medicare advantage plan, so I’m kind of limited who that covers. As long as I can face this with a therapist that’s not just going to prescribe meds, I’m all in. I’m not opposed to meds, I am against Xanax though, that’s a short term miracle, but a long term devil. I can’t believe I was able to get off it, but I did and I’m proud.    I’m so glad I found this community and thank you for being so kind! 

This is really interesting to me, because, My *grandfather* had tattoos. From his military career. But my *parents* are / were quite opposed to tattoos. So I wonder whether there is an alternating generational thing?    I don't see tattoos as a gendered thing, but, I DO know people (of different genders) who feel that their choice of art (rather than the fact that there *is* art) is specific to their gender identity.    A lot of me is covered in tattoos. The process is important to me, but ALSO, the artist I work with to do my bigger pieces is awesome, and we work together to create whole pieces that have meaning to my life, and are *actually* art, and give me actual positive feelings to see at least some parts of my body, which is a thing I struggle hugely with.  This is interesting, because, tattoos change over time. Mine are pretty good at maintaining their form, and I am informed I have very good skin to tattoo. But one of my oldest ones blurred out really badly, but my artist has incorporated covering it into the whole sleeve piece. Nowadays (I speak as an old person) people are getting such as the palms of their hands tattooed, and it is suggested that after some years (maybe 7 or so) these will basically wear away completely. Also, all my *good* artists have recommended NOT getting words in less than 20 point font, to stop them becoming illegible as they blur out.    Piercing (unless stretching) is, to me, LESS of a permanent thing. (I had more than I have now, but had to take them out for MRI, all the non visible while dressed ones did not get replaced, and it's not really possible to tell they ever existed now. Same as, if I decide the one I got today is too much for work etc, then I can take it out and no one will know it was ever there)    The other thing I realised today about tattooing AND piercing, is that is a a really good way of seeing your body in a different way. It's NOT about gender, but it IS about feeling positive things about the box you live in. I have ALWAYS felt respected by ANYONE doing any of these things to my body. And I have learnt that my body has POSITIVE attributes in terms of tattooing / piercing, and I think this is AWESOME, for ALL the negative things I feel about my body, it really depends on who is looking and for what reason. And I think more people could be helped by knowing what that feels like.    Also, I find it really interesting that 

Thank you and if I let my hair grow it would be long and curly but very gray. I started getting gray at 18, thanks grandpa 😁 and I use to color it, but that’s tedious work and at 63, I don’t want to do that. Now that I have very short hair the wig fits nicely and the female inside me smiles. She chose reddish pink lol but honestly, to me, even at 63, it’s flipping adorable. I’ve got a pink top and together, when I look in the mirror, I smile. Like you said though, slow and steady is the course to take. Right now this part, embracing it, instead of feeling the shame, is new to me. It makes me happy that I love the colors and that’s coming from a guy that usually wears blue, everything. Now when I’m alone, embracing my feminine side, omg, I really like pink. Go figure lol

I just watched "I Saw The TV Glow" last night, it was very confusing but a very good movie, then whenever it ended I finally understood what the movie was all about. Now I think if fully realized that even with seeing the movie, that I'm very hateful for not having people by my side especially in my family and I've become more reserved, quiet and to myself with everything.  -Bailey

Lucky you! But…..shaving my legs makes me feel good and that makes me smile inside. 

Hi, @Amey, and welcome.   Those 2 weeks will pass quickly, and you'll soon be on your way. Please let us know how that unfolds for you.