I mean, that is a valid option. And,I fully understand that sometimes that really *is* the best available. BUT, SOMETIMES there is space to work with people?    I genuinely don't know your circumstances, and, like I said, I *have* the parents who disowned me, so, it happens. But, IF needing to leave is the end point anyway, is it not worth trying more things?    Give them *every* chance to step up? You can even do this at distance, like a letter, explaining how you feel and what you need? So it doesn't have to be super confrontational, and they can process in their own time? or a one to one with ONE of them somewhere safe?    I mean, only you know whether this is possible, but, if having to leave and be without them is the end point anyway, you might as well try ALL the things first?    Also, know I am out here wishing all good things for you, and telling you you are valid and who you are matters. 

Hopefully within two to three years I can move else where away from my family to live my own life but still be in contact for the most part. But I know it will take time to get over that hill! :) 

You're welcome

Thank you, Ashley and I have those same concerns. It so sad that others prefer to judge instead of educating themselves, but the world has changed since the 80’s when there was no way I would say anything about these feeling inside me. I knew it was a different feeling, I knew I was different because no one ever talked about these things or I just wasn’t around anyone to know the difference, but not having anyone to talk to and being scared, it was easier to be what society wanted instead of what I wanted. Now I’m taking care of me! I want to leave florida in the next few years, but for now I’ll learn about myself while I decide where I want to go. Been thinking of going out west, but unsure. Thanks again! 

Gosh, no need to apologize!  I wasn't precise.

Welcome Dave I live in Mississippi as you can tell. I'm down by the coast about 30 minutes to Alabama border. If I didn't have joint custody I would definitely leave to a much more LGBTQIA friendly state. I worry about the LGBTQIA community in the red states especially Florida and Texas. It seems like it's they only agenda to make it worse on us. I wish you good luck on your journey and hope to see more future posts from you.

Welcome Amey! I was 70 when I started - now coming up on a year. It is truly magical!!

@Amber48 I can be your friend. I'm not too much younger than you. I'm turning 42 on the 16th of this month. I have about every gaming system covered. PlayStation 1-5, Xbox original-Xbox Series X. All Nintendo handhelds, Steam, Epic Games, GOG, I have ISOs from Atari 2600-Playstation 4 and Xbox. I have over 8 TB of games on my hard drive. I'm a disabled combat Iraq veteran. I'm a parent of two boys so they sometimes keep me busy. I have a DVD collection of over 1600 in alphabetical order. I love animals but seriously allergic to cats and dogs it's to the point I have an Epi Pen on me at all times. I also love reptiles. I love fashion and have over 25 pairs of boots, 26 pairs of shoes and heels, a walk-in closet full of clothes. I rarely put makeup on though. If you want to send a PM then I would love to talk. 

Ah, I see. That does make sense. Sorry. 

Ah, I see.    But then, maybe you can learn from this?    parents are / can be difficult. (I AM a parent, and my parents disowned me, so, I am trying to work out how to do what my kids -  19 and 12 - need, and make sure they know they are loved for ALL that they are, and all that stuff, but, really, I have no idea what I am doing, and I need them to ALSO understand that, I might well wrong sometimes!)    You haven't stopped travelling though! So, you can change the things you don't like? 

I wasn't precise.  There were of course, many people in previous generations who had tattoos.  But in my generation and prior, they were occupational.  Sailors had them.  Military men.  Lumberjacks.  Tattoos indicated a highly physical trade.  In generations younger than mine, tattoos do not suggest an occupation: anyone might have one.

Basically what I am trying to say was that I realized with the movie that I felt just as the main character did, but I had also realized within my own self (not the movie I promise) that I've become more hateful internally over certain things that my parents say that I know I cannot talk back to them about because it will just continue this cycle of them telling me that this is a decision I will regret. The movie was beautiful and I loved it so, but I just wished within myself that when I came out and finally accepted myself that I wasn't so hateful and reserved as I am now especially around the two people I am supposed to go to with problems and ask advice for the most part. 

@Amber48 I am envious of your 5’6” 140lb body. I’m 6’4” and 230 lbs. You’ll have a lot more options for great clothes and shoes! You’re gonna look fantastic!

Thank you for being here.  I appreciate that the focus of the site is affirmation and caring. It is therapeutic to be able to post things I would have to keep to myself before. I am new on the journey and just building my support system. My therapist is very supportive, but 1 hour a week is not enough. My wife knows and is initially supportive, but it’s Proceed with Caution mode for now.  It helps just to be able to come here and know there is affirmation and love.

I never would have thought about watching Barbie until my egg cracked. It would have been Oppenheimer for me. But I offered to watch with my wife a couple of days ago and actually enjoyed it.  I found myself identifying with Barbie much more than Ken. The changes that come from just listening to my authentic self are absolutely amazing.

This is not a movie I am familiar with. But 'hateful' seems like a strong choice of words?    Do you wish for more people to support you on your journey? 

Thank you, thank you, thank you 😊 yes, it’s been a long tough journey, but looking back now, it’s also been a very slow educational experience too. Watching family and friends pass away for whatever the reason may be, has made me look at this differently. I don’t care what we have or how much we have, if we aren’t happy inside, deep inside, nothing else will make us happy. So when I looked at it this way and then looked inside myself, I saw the female side and she wanted to be happy too, so decided to open up, even if just a little. Let her out and let myself accept it. If doing this helps me to be comfortable and to keep facing this, I’m all in. I don’t want to be that scared little boy anymore. So, My new therapist will be my safe place and not my hiding place. My journey will begin and I’ll find my happiness, even if I find that, that’s a different me or maybe I should say, even if it’s the real me! 

Thank you, Nina.     This is very much the crux of the issue for me. I have literally, my entire life, felt like "this is not the way" and "this does not make sense" about *so much* of what I was told I had to do. To be honest, "gender" wasn't particularly high on the list of issues where I felt like society was incongruous with who I was and what my values were; it was just one of many seemingly semi-nonsensical things. So I felt like everything about life in this world was a forced, structured adherence to a mechanical system that served only those who had power. There was no room for individuality or even personal preferences.   I was blessed and cursed with a strong need to question and defy "authority." I literally *could not* simply obey and assimilate. Like most of us, I was immediately punished for straying from the script, but my response was to observe and gauge where the boundaries were and whether the consequences outweighed the rewards. I learned to be strategic about how and where and when I'd "disobey." In my teens, I saw even more that the "benefits" of conforming were mostly illusory (and soul-sacrificing) and that the punishments weren't especially damaging. That was when I learned the importance of "disappointing" people and being OK with it.   In adulthood, as I gained more autonomy, authority, and "power," I continued to extend my way of living life as I chose - always constrained by what was actually possible in the world as it exists. I can't count the number of times people - in work and in my personal life - said something like "You can't DO that!" And I'd say, "Watch me." I've been telling my wife for years, "I didn't come to eff around."   I wasn't specifically "unhappy" about being stuck in the role playing "a man," as much as I didn't understand it and it didn't fit me. Eventually, early last year, I discovered that I *do* have some very strong traits that the culture I live in would classify as "female/feminine," and it was a bit startling to me. As these traits appeared more frequently and strongly (because now I knew there were there!), it was hard not to see those - plus all of the other ways that I've always been more "female" than "male" - as not pointing toward my being transgender. At this point in my life, I have zero interest in being in denial about myself, so I immediately knew I needed to accept and explore this aspect of myself.     That is very interesting. I can't say that I have a vision in my head of what I want to "manifest" (which I think is a great word). All I really want to do is just BE as I am, completely free and unhindered by any societal expectations - about "gender" or anything else. And I know, people will make counter-arguments along the lines of "But what if that means <doing some horrible thing>? Don't we have to have limits and require some level of conformity?" I see that as fear-mongering. I have no desire to break laws (the just ones anyway) nor to harm anyone nor inhibit anyone's ability to pursue the same level of freedom. So, for me, this will all be a process of just feeling my way to the "next right step," not the implementation of a grand plan. I know there will be some trial-and-error exploration in that process. And this is something I will likely do for as long as I live.     In purely pragmatic terms, I guess I can't see how one can transition in a way that people see you as a man up until a moment where we can pass as a woman, and then everyone will see you as a woman. Part of transitioning is - necessarily, I think - transitioning for the people in our lives, too.     This is a huge factor for me. I really don't see this "man/woman" or "male/female" distinction the way others seem to. I feel extremely confident that "man" and "masculine" are very much not descriptors that fit me. While I don't feel the same clear negative identification with "woman" or "female," I also can't say anything like "Yes, that's who/what I am." It's much more a case of "This is the strange system of categorizing people that society uses. Neither option fits me, but if I have to choose one, I guess it'll be that one." Even the "other" options still assume a buying-in to the gender construct, and I'm just not seeing it.   Thank you for your mention of Kate Bornstein. I haven't read any of her writing, but I'd be surprised if it doesn't assume an acceptance of gender essentialism. I'm not saying I won't read her, but...it's summer; the garden beckons.     Thank you! This is another fertile area rich with metaphors. What part is forest and what is garden? Where is the boundary? What about the tree seedlings that pop up among the eggplants? What about the "weeds?" Some of them have beautiful flowers. What about the oyster shells that the ravens drop and then I use as separators for my garlic varieties? Isn't it all - including me - one thing: nature expressing itself in ALL of its forms?

Hey Dave !   It's lovely to meet you.   You have been through such a lot! I hope that finding your place on this journey and being able to focus on who you are, and being yourself and caring for that true self will bring you peace and (I keep telling people this, but, for me, and my own gender journey, I have had a LOT of sparkly joy, so, I wish it for you too!) Sparkly joy! 

I posted a few pics in the members gallery.