Hey people!   I am sure you all know I am stumbling my way through therapy learning and aiming at being a better, more authentic, more stable and integrated into life person.    At the moment, this is covering my identity within the LGBTQ+ community. I found Pride to be alienating for me, and that was very upsetting.    As an AFAB person who has previously been in relationships with women, if PUSHED I would identify as lesbian. But this did not feel right to me. I have always struggled to identify as a woman, which kind of does make identifying as a lesbian a bit tricky, but ALSO, just the things that seem to come WITH identifying as lesbian felt like A LOT. I am all for equality and women needing equality and good treatment and fair wages and less discrimination. But, I don't feel like I need restricted spaces, or to ONLY socialise in this way or that I am *just* LGBTQ+   I feel like as a fully rounded member of humanity, who I am attracted to, or my genital arrangement, or even what label I use for myself (NAME is important, LGBTQ+ label? Is that really the MOST interesting and useful thing to know about me?) is largely irrelevant?   But this makes me feel like I am missing something? I feel like I am a person who has dreams and hopes and skills and talents and desires and ALL of that, but, I am supposed to just be a transmasculine person who generally is attracted to a more feminine presentation? It's almost NEVER relevant in my life? Unless I *am* attracted to you AND you are attracted to me, these are the LEAST useful pieces of information about me.    I get asking for name and pronouns is a necessary thing, but, that should be an easy thing, and if it is not, the issue is with the societal approach, NOT how much of MY identity is involved?

I was in the same situation.    I changed my name after she had already started talking about divorce, the timing was based on the presidential election that had just happened.    The divorce took so long that I had already had my chosen name for 14 months by the time it was done.    I have had to send copies of the divorce paperwork out for various things and glad that the name I provide and the name on the paperwork are the same. 

Welcome to TGP Forums, Karina!! We are so happy to have you join our community. It sounds as if you've found not just a safe place but also, and more importantly, yourself. You'll find a diversity of peoples here that makes it both fun and informational. Feel free to wander and to jump in wherever you are comfortable and have interest. I look forward to getting to know you!!  

OH, I was gutted about the cake. next week, I think I am going to make a Challah. Something good, but a bit more robust for carrying from town to town!    I have had about four minutes sleep, and will be going back to bed when the last child has left for the day.    But today I am considering WHY I feel alienated from the LGBTQ+ community. I have some theories.    This felt like a good week at therapy I think. I THINK. I am slightly anxious because he said I would NEVER describe me as a calm person, and I spend my life in the real world being a VERY calm person. BUT I am trying to hope that ALL he meant is that I bring (and I can FEEL it) a lot of energy, somehow?    But I noticing how uncomfortable I feel to try and add a positive spin to anything someone says. Like, I FEEL more energy, BUT, he could just mean I'm crazy. 

Good morning @Max   I have an unexpected day off. I am very grateful, because my 19yo son got stranded at a train station some miles away last night, when they cancelled the last train, and he is home safe now, but, no-one much got any sleep trying to fix it. We have put a plan in place for future travelling, so we have all learnt something. But I have had about 2 hours sleep. (Had to get up to pack lunch and make sure the 12yo got on her way safely to school.)    I wish for you a day with a LOT less drama, and I hope you are feeling OK, and finding chances to do fun stuff?

That is brutally disappointing about the cake. I am so very sorry.   It's great that you had an opportunity to talk about things that felt good. I thought this was interesting:     I continue to feel like so much of what I'm learning ever more deeply is that SO MANY "norms" are really just a kind of filter that cause us to experience things - especially people - in very narrow, limiting ways. And that includes how we experience ourselves (because, really, we experience the world *through* ourselves, so of course). Clearing away the limits of norms/expectations opens us up to experiencing all that is.     This sounds like fertile ground for learning to love yourself. I'm excited for you.   Toli, I'm getting the impression this was a good week at therapy. I'm so glad. You deserve those. I wish the cake had made it all the way to its destination.

Thank you! I hope I will. Currently pursuing my career after my first diploma, want to explore all beautiful places around, and probably will move in the future to another province with better opportunities.

Hi, Karina.  Welcome to TGP!   Good for you that you figured yourself out so young.  I am more than twice your age, and only figured it out a few years ago.  I am glad that you have found relative safety here in Canada.  It is indeed a good place to live, and much better than many if you are trans.   It sounds to me like you have a lot in common with many of our members, and I am sure that you will make many connections here.

Hello, everyone! It's nice to meet you all. My name is Karina. I'm a 34 years old. I've been transitioning since high school. I spent the entire life surviving around the world and fighting for the existence of people like me, only a few years ago have started a new life in Canada where I finally found safety (well, "conditional acceptance" mostly, but at least 100% better than the hell I've been in before) and home I've been striving to for decades. I'm a usual nerd, mostly shy and slow on socializing with people (especially considering our current society) but I become more open when I learn more about the person and feel comfortable around. I'm pretty much an open book with unique stories to learn over time. Likes and hobbies: Videogames, LEGO, Star Wars, Marvel, movies, tv-shows, walks and nature, music, cooking, art, cozy hangouts, animals, volunteering, community and social services, healthcare, psychology, technology, science. Dislikes: Lies, masks, throwing away words and promises without thinking first, unpredictable loud noises, stereotypes and standards, anything that goes against behaviour of a human being. I'm always up to build a genuine and meaningful connections, to listen, to learn, to help and support.

I MADE the cake. I took it the 25 miles. The cake box broke, and the cake was destroyed. I was sad.    Today's session was comfortable, but, being me, I am having secondary thoughts since. But, today was a lot about identity, which, is fun to talk about for me. ALSO the idea that, people who *understand* the very rock bottom can be more accepting and empathetic towards others, because the expectation of the given 'norm' is removed. I am thinking about this.    I apparently crumple when I am shown that I am behaving as if I were a nice person.    I feel like, I'm in therapy cos I have things I need to work on, so, I shall keep working.    ALSO the idea that I HAVE physical transition goals, but I want to make sure I have a good foundation, a well rounded life space to actually exist in. THEN transition. 

I’m on my 3rd marriage, and all have failed because I just can’t tell the truth about who I am. 

You are super welcome!    I think I can, but, I wonder whether, at this point, I have become hyper fixated on getting the very most accurate label, when really, I (and you) we are PERFECTLY valid and whole and awesome, no matter what the label looks like? 

hey @Max, I have not forgotten you! I have had my therapy day. Which is always a bit wobbly. But I have been thinking of you.  What have you got going on today?

Thank you so much. I think you can be a transmasc lesbian!!!

Stephanie this is great news.  Keep moving forward!!!

My driving license came back the other day in my new name and title!! Very busy couple of days changing everything over but other than my cars Log Book (owners paperwork), it’s all done 😁😁😁. I was also approached by a lady at work who had a side business doing nails and asked if I was interested, we had a little chat and now I get to have my nails at a reduced rate every 4 weeks as a ‘practice’ for her, she’s still learning certain things so I’m now her test dummy 🤣. Next big thing will be I’m August for this family holiday that I’m still dreading, but in September I will be taking the plunge and going private to go onto HRT. The nhs has pretty much stalled and I have the means to pay for it myself, so why not…

I’m sorry this has happened to you and I hope things start to get better. Her reaction of saying “I’m not a lesbian” suggests she’s not against you transition entirely, but that sort of relationship just isn’t for her. As others have said, definitely hold of on the name change for now, it just complicates everything. Also, have you truly put yourself in her position? 25 years of loving someone, building a life and planning a future together, all just gone. She may just need time and space to absorb the information, go through the emotions and then be able to proceed logically.  

For me, it’s the way I have treated people in the past in an effort to conceal who I really am. I spent years in relationships that I knew would fail, just to try and validate my existence as a male. I have hurt people in ways I could never forgive myself for and don’t think I will ever come to terms with this or find true inner peace with myself because of it. I often feel like I don’t deserve the happiness I have now. It’s the main cause of my inability to sleep and recurring nightmares. My ex and I have stayed ‘friends’ although becoming more distant over time, but I also know her life is in a pretty bad way because of me.  

I am so sorry to hear that your wife has not been able to adjust. As Kathy says, half of marriages dissolve after one partner comes out as trans. I agree with her that waiting to change your name until after the separation/divorce is the best way to go. She may, at some time and it's counter-productive to anger her even more now.

I suspect "turmoil" is a stronger word than is warranted, but I'll go with: Seeing people continue to engage in behaviors that they know are harmful to them. No matter how much I care for them and express my love and willingness to support them, they are ultimately responsible for their own choices and their own lives. When they just can't seem to free themselves from self-destructive patterns, I find it genuinely heartbreaking. I'm very much an "accept that things are as they are" person, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the pain.     @Jamma, this is so spot-on. You see it, you're addressing it, and your acknowledging that it takes time and persistence. That's caring for yourself, and it's a clear sign that you DO value yourself. THIS is the way, friend.     SO MUCH this! Of all the things to lie about, telling someone they're amazing and that you love them would be a pretty odd one. And there are almost people in our lives that we love/like/respect who tell us they feel similarly about us, so if we genuinely mean it when we say (even if only to ourselves) that we feel that way about them, how could we then say, "Except that they have terrible taste in friends?" Why not just go with it and feel good?