I MADE the cake. I took it the 25 miles. The cake box broke, and the cake was destroyed. I was sad.    Today's session was comfortable, but, being me, I am having secondary thoughts since. But, today was a lot about identity, which, is fun to talk about for me. ALSO the idea that, people who *understand* the very rock bottom can be more accepting and empathetic towards others, because the expectation of the given 'norm' is removed. I am thinking about this.    I apparently crumple when I am shown that I am behaving as if I were a nice person.    I feel like, I'm in therapy cos I have things I need to work on, so, I shall keep working.    ALSO the idea that I HAVE physical transition goals, but I want to make sure I have a good foundation, a well rounded life space to actually exist in. THEN transition. 

I’m on my 3rd marriage, and all have failed because I just can’t tell the truth about who I am. 

You are super welcome!    I think I can, but, I wonder whether, at this point, I have become hyper fixated on getting the very most accurate label, when really, I (and you) we are PERFECTLY valid and whole and awesome, no matter what the label looks like? 

hey @Max, I have not forgotten you! I have had my therapy day. Which is always a bit wobbly. But I have been thinking of you.  What have you got going on today?

Thank you so much. I think you can be a transmasc lesbian!!!

Stephanie this is great news.  Keep moving forward!!!

My driving license came back the other day in my new name and title!! Very busy couple of days changing everything over but other than my cars Log Book (owners paperwork), it’s all done 😁😁😁. I was also approached by a lady at work who had a side business doing nails and asked if I was interested, we had a little chat and now I get to have my nails at a reduced rate every 4 weeks as a ‘practice’ for her, she’s still learning certain things so I’m now her test dummy 🤣. Next big thing will be I’m August for this family holiday that I’m still dreading, but in September I will be taking the plunge and going private to go onto HRT. The nhs has pretty much stalled and I have the means to pay for it myself, so why not…

I’m sorry this has happened to you and I hope things start to get better. Her reaction of saying “I’m not a lesbian” suggests she’s not against you transition entirely, but that sort of relationship just isn’t for her. As others have said, definitely hold of on the name change for now, it just complicates everything. Also, have you truly put yourself in her position? 25 years of loving someone, building a life and planning a future together, all just gone. She may just need time and space to absorb the information, go through the emotions and then be able to proceed logically.  

For me, it’s the way I have treated people in the past in an effort to conceal who I really am. I spent years in relationships that I knew would fail, just to try and validate my existence as a male. I have hurt people in ways I could never forgive myself for and don’t think I will ever come to terms with this or find true inner peace with myself because of it. I often feel like I don’t deserve the happiness I have now. It’s the main cause of my inability to sleep and recurring nightmares. My ex and I have stayed ‘friends’ although becoming more distant over time, but I also know her life is in a pretty bad way because of me.  

I am so sorry to hear that your wife has not been able to adjust. As Kathy says, half of marriages dissolve after one partner comes out as trans. I agree with her that waiting to change your name until after the separation/divorce is the best way to go. She may, at some time and it's counter-productive to anger her even more now.

I suspect "turmoil" is a stronger word than is warranted, but I'll go with: Seeing people continue to engage in behaviors that they know are harmful to them. No matter how much I care for them and express my love and willingness to support them, they are ultimately responsible for their own choices and their own lives. When they just can't seem to free themselves from self-destructive patterns, I find it genuinely heartbreaking. I'm very much an "accept that things are as they are" person, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the pain.     @Jamma, this is so spot-on. You see it, you're addressing it, and your acknowledging that it takes time and persistence. That's caring for yourself, and it's a clear sign that you DO value yourself. THIS is the way, friend.     SO MUCH this! Of all the things to lie about, telling someone they're amazing and that you love them would be a pretty odd one. And there are almost people in our lives that we love/like/respect who tell us they feel similarly about us, so if we genuinely mean it when we say (even if only to ourselves) that we feel that way about them, how could we then say, "Except that they have terrible taste in friends?" Why not just go with it and feel good?

I very much understand this, and am working on this all the time every day. The thing I try to tell myself is, I have people (not many, but...) who STAY in my life, who communicate with me every day, even though, they have no obligation to do so (and I struggle more because, I *must* be awful, because the people who ARE obliged to stay, did not) and these people, who stay in my life, tell me, all the time, that I am amazing because I do x, or I am kind because I x, or that they love me. or any number of wonderful things. And it is hard to hear that sometimes. BUT...   *I* say lovely things to people all the time, and I *mean* them, and *want* to be believed. And it CANNOT, even just statistically be true that ONLY *I* tell the truth. So, I TRY to accept the positive things, because the people deserve to be believed. That's my starting point. And, honestly, it brings much better feelings than the alternative. 

I am sorry to hear that things are not going well for your marriage.  That is not uncommon: 50% of marriages end when one member comes out as trans.  I am sorry that that applies to yours.   You can't make her accept you if she doesn't.  I don't see anything to be gained by changing your name without her approval.  It does sound petty, to be honest, and it will likely make her an enemy for life.  I recommend waiting until the dust settles on your relationship, and then proceeding with whatever transition steps you wish to take.

Very safe, and far away *hug*   My kids are neurodivergent. I look... Ummmm, NOT normie.  My charitable colleagues would say "memorable". My friends would say, by the time I leave the house, it's a very specific LGBTQ+ coded thing.    I don't have parents / family, OTHER than my kids (19 + 12) so I basically do get to do / present / be whatever I want. My kids are used to me.    People role play in all kinds of situations. And, actually, for a lot of people (especially neurodivergent people) they are really, really useful ways of working out interactions and being.    I'm old and I have never not been who I am. I am not ill, or wrong, or delusional because I am, whatever this kind of transmasculine kind of lesbian (I mean, it might not even be technically possible to be both of those things at once, but, this is where I have landed for right now, and so what?)

Having SAID I will be circumspect, I have both blackcurrant jam (which is a *little* too set for my liking, but this is because blackcurrants are high pectin, and the jam sugar contains pectin. I could have fixed that) AND have a carrot, apple and pecan spiced cake in the oven (which MAY turn out well, and then get cream cheese frosting, for gifting tomorrow.   Because habits are tricky things.    I feel a bit bad about my exams today. I told them afterwards that it was a good job they were practising, because we might have had to fail all of them die to the sheer amount of wild rule breaking (which might mean the exam board cancels ALL our exams) merryn's little friend seems to have taken it to heart.    The job (there are actually 2 of them) is open ended real contract and proper LSA. which is supporting extra needs kids through ALL of school, not just exams. I didn't know, but my manager printed out all the stuff, and I hand wrote a letter of interest over my lunch break, and she typed it up and sent it in for me! If I don't get it, it will be fine, there are issues with staying just in school. 

At Christmas I came out as trans, and wife of 25 years did not take it well. A bit of an understatement to be fair as the first thing she said was, "I want a divorce, I'm not a lesbian!" Six months on and we've been doing counselling, but it's not been going well. The happier I've become the worse it has gotten, and today's session ended with her having said "I want to separate" 5 times and the counsellor effectively threw in the towel. We have one more session in a month's time, but by that time she will have spent 10 days on holiday without me. I have delayed changing my name legally because I wanted her approval, hoping things would be better. Now I recognise they aren't going to be and I don't want her to have her wish of divorcing me as my dead name. I just want to move on as me at this point. It may seem petty, but at this stage I'm seriously considering changing my name legally without her approving. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

This is where I land, too. I think more experiences and more exploration of it will likely yield "answers" to your questions, but for now... I think it's probably more important just to BE with it and FEEL what you feel and not necessarily try to analyze it too deeply. I think the feelings are more likely to lead you to answers than thinking will.   But massive congratulations for the relaxation and enjoyment. Those are not insignificant in the slightest. It sounds like you've been taking positive steps - at least that's how I'd read it.

Ugh. The heat makes everyone cranky anyway, but sitting in exams for hours (and being 13 years old) makes it worse. Being an adult who understands all of that and doesn't want to be "the bad guy" is no better. I wish for you all that it progresses to completion without too much resentment. I'm 62, and I still remember those days. Air conditioning might have been nice.   Hey, good for you for applying for the job AND with the identity inclusion! If it's something you want, then I hope you're given the opportunity.   On the gift-giving, it sounds like you're at least aware that there's a balance to be struck there, so you can watch and see what feels appropriate and what might not. Awareness is the first step.

Sorry if this sounds like a massive pity party buts the truest way for me to answer the question   Learning to love myself feels like an impossible task because for the longest time, just learning not to hate myself has been a struggle. The way i feel about myself makes it impossible for me to accept other peoples positive opinions of me because they are so contradictory to the me ive always told myself i am.   Im doing everything I can to like myself more and be more true to myself and i think im making progress but its the habit of a life time to break. 

Thank you Toli and Nina! These are wonderful observations that fit beautifully with what I'm trying to describe.     YES! This is very much The Thing for me - finding who I *really* am beneath the limitations that were placed on me, explicitly and implicitly, by my upbringing and the society I live in. I think it's impossible (for me anyway) to feel like my life is at all mine if I'm not growing and nurturing my authenticity. And that's really difficult to do when the world around us is built to tell us continuously how we're "supposed to be." But finding it and doing it IS where the sparkly joy happens.     YES to this, too! We do not exist in isolation, no matter how hermit-y we are (and I very much am). We still have to exist and function in a world with other people, and we want those other people to SEE us and KNOW us and yes, LOVE us. But they can't do those things if we ARE NOT actually us. So there's a dance there of being and feeling and adapting and TALKING and SHARING - and THAT is what intimacy IS; it's not guessing what other people want and trying to be that. So *including* people in our process and *inviting* them to tell us how they feel is all extremely helpful to our becoming who we really are - and the same is true for them.   Last year, when I was really discovering how to let go of who I wasn't and just BE who I am, there were times when my wife would share with me how cognitively dissonant it could be for her at times. She was always clear that it wasn't a negative experience for her, that she loved me for all of it, but it WAS sometimes startling for her, especially when there would be fairly rapid backs-and-forths between "old me" and "new me." (All completely understandable.)   One night I asked her, "Is 'new me' really THAT different from 'old me?' Is it like they're completely different people?" I thought her answer was amazing. She said, "No. If anything, it's that you're *even more* YOU now than you were before. It's as if there was a garden, and it was a very pleasant garden, but it was bordered by a high fence. And that fence has come down, not only letting sunlight in to allow the garden to expand and bloom and flourish in ways it never did before, but also to radiate beyond its border and be seen and appreciated beyond what had previously been possible." I'm certain I cried.   So, yes, having a supportive, loving partner who sees and appreciates me AS I AM (even when it's unsettling for her at times) has been very valuable to me in getting feedback about who and what I actually am versus what is mindless, patterned behavior.   AND yesterday she lent a hand harvesting raspberries, which was also very helpful. Of course, you get to "test" a few as you go, so it's not without its perks.