The book Am I Trans Enough really helped me with this when I read it, but, sometimes, I just feel like I'm still exactly the same me. And *really* YES. EXACTLY SO. OF COURSE I AM. I have always been this much trans, and that's fine. BUT I feel like because I don't really DO anything trans (apart from ALL the things that cis gendered people consider in non medical presentation, but, presentation is just paint really.) ALSO because I don't feel unsafe or like I need to be extra careful. I feel like if my experience of life is a trans experience, then, I don't really need to be bothering folks on a forum, it's just my boring regular life! WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SHOULD BE.   Mostly I am doing a lot of over thinking for no good reason!    It's not so much the kids, but their dad that hurts my thinking on this. 

@Pema LOVE your garden, that is wonderful.

I get downvoted to hell if I say this on Reddit and stuff, but I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I'm only 15 years old. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.   "I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude. Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person. I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right? I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk. I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."   Why do I both posting on Reddit anymore? No one interacts and I just get downvoted and whatnot. Not even people with the disorder I think I have bother to sympathize and share their story...

Not feeling "trans enough" 100% is valid and something i share. Like im not "LQBTQ+ enough"    I also get the idea you mentioned of wanting to meet LGBTQ+ people but not specifically in an LGBTQ+ setting so its more than just that. This is something im not entierly sure how to do but have a similar desire.   My cousin is lesbian and has 2 children. I know it can be hard but having children doesnt make you anything other than a parent. There is no definitive way to be trans or lesbian or male or female. From my perspective you are doing great at learning who you are and what you want to be even if the bumps can he large so for whats it's worth you and all of your anxieties are valid. 😅

Well, thank you so much for your sounding board ness.    I think, because I have children, which I had in the usual way, I do not feel like I deserve to count as lesbian, but, even if I did, I don't feel, as a not woman person, that I qualify anyway.   I don't feel trans enough to count (which is a ME problem, I get that) because I am just me. And I kind of want to take T, but I am not rushing to anything, for thoughtfulness  AND because I have generally contained enough of it to cause SOME of the things people are aiming at anyway.   I do not find my tribe at Pride, and really I think that might be  because I want to meet LGBTQ+ people (I mean, ideally, of a kind that might find me interesting in all kinds of ways) who are MORE than an LGBTQ+ identity. I feel guilty, like I have somehow failed at LGBTQ-ing, and SHOULD *love* Pride and find it EASY to feel fitting in.  

This is an interesting concept. I similarly dont feel like i "fit in" with the LGBTQ+ Community. But I also dont feel like i fit in with the straight / cis community. I have friends but feel like i am yet to find "my people" if that makes sense.    I think the fact that you are so well liked on these forums is a good indicator of the fact that you most certainly DO fit in with a variety of LQBTQ+ community. But if you have theories as to why and would like to share im happy to be a sound board 😊 

Your garden is SO beautiful    And, I can be a chaotic and not orderly masculine of centre person if I *am.* it's ALL good! 

Here's a sliver of the garden this morning, before the sun hit it. We're approaching jungle stage.     This is maybe a quarter of the area. I'll get on the roof in the near future to try to capture a broader swath.     This has been an important part of my "journey" of late, specifically letting go of rigidity, order, structure, timelines. I'm finding joy in letting things "flow" more and learning to *feel* my way through what IS happening instead of insisting that they conform to my "vision."   I've heard people call these "masculine" and "feminine" ways, but I'm not convinced that they're gendered. I think they're just ways of doing life. When I observed that clinging tightly to plans and being uptight when they didn't unfold as intended was causing me to be someone I didn't want to be (and really wasn't), I chose to...stop doing it. It's really hard to unlearn behaviors we've reinforced for decades and that gave many impressions of being "successful." Now they no longer serve me and I feel much better and more "myself" without them.

See ALL of this makes so much more sense to me! I am ALL the things! I don't want to miss out on a thing I don't know I love yet, because, I have shut my identity into this finished box, and now ALL I do is go to THESE places, with THESE people.    And I get that, unfortunately, there is a need for safety, BUT, staying safe by shutting ourselves in a particular place is NOT safety, it's corralling and being LESS than, just to make random others feel like THEIR pointlessly ascribed identity matters more than mine?    MY therapist LOVES pride, and it is THE place he feels safe and belonging. And he suggested that the reason I do not, is that I do not know how to identify myself, so I don't feel settled. But I don't think that's it. I think, actually, I have pretty GOOD handle on who I am, I just don't NEED it to fit in to the LGBTQ Pride box. I then thought more.    I have been considering that, if I want to find a PERSON, I need to put myself in more LGBTQ spaces, just because, the nature of who I am, and who I am attracted to means, that by default.... BUT the person I WANT to meet is a fully rounded HUMAN with interests and enthusiasms, and dreams and hopes and needs and loss and EVERYTHING, who *happens* to be LGBTQ+ And THEY are ALSO probably just getting on with their life in the world?    I live in a very SMALL and rural place, so, I almost certainly need to put myself in places where more people are, but, I am not sure, especially since I find Pride overwhelming and alienating, that meeting a person who lives for such events and spaces is a good way forward.    But then, I get all weird about it, and feel sad that I will be alone forever.    I mean, I am perfectly happy that, just by dint of existing I *am* an LGBTQ person, because that's how we describe people who happen to gender the way I do and be attracted in the directions I am.  I'm not ashamed. I don't need in any way to hide any thing about that aspect of me. I just want to be ALL the other things too! 

I have similar questions and concerns. I think I've reached the point where I think we (many, maybe even most humans) have unrealistic expectations of what "community" means and how one is defined. I think similarly (and in an overlapping way) about the notion of "identity."   I've participated in different "communities" at times in my life. They were all very interest-concerned: gardening - even specific types of plants, backpacking/camping, music - even specific instruments/styles, philosophy, physics/astronomy... You get the idea. People shared their experiences, asked questions, discussed, debated, demonstrated, and so on. We shared a fairly narrow common interest and we (mostly) enjoyed discussing it. There would, of course, at times be conversation about other topics and, understandably, fewer people would engage in those because... Venn diagram. And yes, some of the people in those communities did "identify" and say "I am a <whatever a member of the group is called>."   I've never really felt a desire to "identify" as a <anything>. A huge part of my disinterest is that I contain multitudes; there is no category that can capture all that I am. I'd have to make a list of the "things I am," and it would be a long and incomplete list. But is it really that heavy a thing? Sure, I've gardened and loved it for the huge majority of my life, and I've spent several thousand hours doing it, but does that mean that a doer of that is what I AM? I guess I just don't think it does. The other problem is that telling someone "I am a <something>" immediately sets in their mind an image of me - according to what that means to THEM - and it's extremely unlikely to be who and what I actually am. So right away, I'm having to overcome a limiting expectation just to be seen in my wholeness.   Why is it so important to be labeled with an "I am a _____?" (I only reluctantly acknowledge that I am a human, and I still insist that I'm much more than that.) Why can't we be more...precise and talk about what we feel? "I am stunned by the beauty of lilies." "I am exhilarated by the fragrance of alpine meadows." What compels us to turn these passions into categories that we feel we must "identify" with?   Do we tag ourselves in this way in the hope of finding "community" with others who share our interest? We may have some success with that - in that we can have interesting conversations about the shared interest - but it doesn't mean we'll find friendship or understanding or compassion or love, because after all, the group has been centered around something very specific. But aren't those really the things we're seeking - again, the feelings? Haven't we all known people who shared our fascination with some subject but who were also very, very different from us in ways that made it clear we were not socially compatible? Why would we expect any "identity"-focused "community" to be different?   Still, the challenge remains. How do we find anyone - and, ideally, more than *one* person - with whom we CAN experience friendship, understanding, compassion, and love? The honest truth is that I'm 62 years old, and I don't have that answer. I strongly suspect it isn't something you can easily "shop" for by "identifying" as a word (or even an acronym) and then attending the correspondingly labeled meetings.   I think the answer may lie more within ourselves. Perhaps by truly, fully (as possible) BEING our whole selves - with ALL of the multitudes, not just the "identifying" thing - we can show the people around us WHO (not WHAT) we are so that they can actually see and feel us instead of labeling us, and the ones with whom we can have the interactions we seek will be drawn to us. All without checking IDs and whether our community membership dues have been paid. This, of course, means going out into public (maybe that's where I'm falling short). I know it's tempting to try to game the process and figure out where in public we're most likely to find people who'll appreciate *who we are*. The people I have found in my life have mostly been in the most random, unpredictable places. I think it has more to do with allowing yourself to be who you are and let other people see that.   So, for me, I see the LGBTQ+ community as an idea more than something that actually exists in the physical world, and I don't see myself "belonging" to it beyond a checkbox on a census form.

Right. I think I'd take this as an opportunity to ask, "Oh? In what way?" And the chances that I'd think to ask that in the moment are 50/50 or less, so I'd probably make a note to ask it in the next session as a way of following up. (This all assumes that I think it's potentially a significant observation that I want to know more about.)

I feel like we mostly use it for the peaceful, lack of chaos meaning. But I HOPE that all he meant by NOT calm was more high energy / not very still? I mean, I *hope* - kind of unlikely that an actual therapist would out loud mean something derogatory, I guess? (get me trying to apply real world to my self loathing!)   I ALSO bought shorts today! I NEVER wear shorts, but it's MELTINGLY hot here. So I MIGHT. It WILL test my commitment to being a transmasculine person who would generally only ever get 'she / her' pronouns in public, since I have very pale skin and very dark hair, so, my legs are *very* noticeably very hairy. I kind of like that. 

Tractors!!!      Even better than the flatbed truck I got to drive a few weeks ago.  The image of a tractor fully deorated pulling a hay bed trailer "stage" sounds wonderful and really gay in all senses. 

I'm not sure how the word is commonly used in the UK, but in the US, I feel like the word "calm" can carry a few different meanings. One is just a lack of energy, almost as a synonym for lethargic. Another could be that a person's energy is under control, so something like peaceful, or a lack of chaos. And I think another might just mean that they aren't rattled by their environment. And maybe there are even more.   For me, I feel like I often embody opposite traits. I've been described as both one of the most chill people many have ever met, and also one of the most intense people that others have ever met. And while those don't seem like they can both go together, I feel like they somehow do in different ways. 

ALSO, for all my, doesn't matter what stuff looks like... I bought new shirts. I have shirts, I have no shame or problem buying shirts. These are short sleeved, linen button down shirt.  I need to bind to wear them.  They are smarter for school, and breathable for heat. And one is sky blue and one is olive green and I am very happy with them. They kind of ARE gendered, but they are more than that the appropriate clothing I was looking for, without reverting to Fem coded summer tops cos they seem like less melty. 

I have been on laser treatment for about 6 months, and I am on HRT.  While there has been some progress on my face, it has not been as much as I had hoped. My head hair is dark, and I shave my face close every morning. The assumption that I made is that my beard is also dark.  I have recently discovered that,  apart from upper lip and chin, it is not; it is largely grey, and so will not respond to laser.  So, I am abandoning laser and starting electrolysis next week!   Others will have discovered this, but it did not occur to me. Mark you, at 82 it should have!   Karen

I was honored to be included on a panel to discuss issues facing the LGBTQ issues farmers face in NJ.  It was a great experience and showed great support.  Folks in Aggriculture are often isolated as are queer folks so building networks is important.  I got a big round of applause and laughter when insugested tractors in local Pride parades.   Hugs,   Charlize

Keeping patience in mind is good.