Hey Joanie !   It's so lovely to meet you, and it is an honour to be able to meet you as yourself!  I am pretty much the same age as you, and even though we are travelling in different directions, I hope we can share things about the journey, I look forward to getting to know you more. 

Welcome Joanie!  I am glad you found us.  Your story is quite familiar, and I think you will find you have a lot in common with many people here.  Feel free to look around the site, and to comment and ask questions.

My name Joanie,   It is finally great for me to write that to others at the age of 54. How to be or who exactly who I am is still a puzzle to me at times. I have mostly lived in public as Jon and in private as Joanie. I refer to myself as genderfluid, as I have been happy at times as he, but predominently spend my time as she, and am far happier and feel more natural in myself. If I could live the rest of my life as Joanie then I think that would be the true me so whatever gender terms there are Im just me. As I believe is often a pattern, I have been married twice and never been able to be fully comfortable with the life that I had and that was, somewhat chosen for me by my Strict Methodist upbringing and strong family male led sporting heritage (Rugby, cricket and Football)  Having said that I do acctually love watching my sports and was myself successful in track and in rugby which did bring me joy, even though I didnt feel I quite fitted in as afterwards would want to get home and just be me rather than hanging out at the sports club. To be brutally honest, I have been in tears trying to write something about me, some for who I may have been and the time lost and some for feeling so vunerable, but mostly happy that each time I felt scared to write anything the lady in the mirror urged me to carry on and for just being me and sharing a tiny bit about of myself.    Where I am, how things pan out for me and how my life looks from now, I am unsure but It is a relief and a step in the right direction (I hope) to finally be a little more open.  

We have been asked to bring the following Research to your attention.   Purpose and Scope of Research Study I am currently completing my thesis project at Western Sydney University, the School of Psychology, which focuses on evaluating a current educational resource for gender affirming healthcare. As part of this study, I am examining an educational video designed to teach cis gendered healthcare students about providing gender affirming care in general healthcare settings. To ensure the resource is both informative and reflective of real experiences, I am seeking feedback from both transgender and gender diverse (TGD) community members and healthcare students. The perspectives of TGD people are essential to understanding whether this resource accurately represents their experiences and whether it may be useful in shaping future educational materials aimed at improving healthcare accessibility for TGD communities. The research will evaluate an educational video resource created for the purpose of providing information on the experience of transgender and gender diverse experiences in healthcare. This evaluation will identify areas for refinement and assess the future potential of these film-based modules, including expansion to additional disciplines and practicing clinicians. Finding from the research will be included in a psychology honours thesis. Institution Supervising Research Study Western Sydney University Web Address for Study Participation https://surveyswesternsydney.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_09yOeVWRyMoUVFk

Life has been so weird lately I do not know WTH is going on. I just Googled "Are villains good sportsman?"

Q: Anyone up for a good game of MS Pac-Man? I still want to get past the second banana.

Hey Raphael!  Welcome, I am always extra happy to meet a person travelling my direction!  I *wish* I could have been as clear and aware at your age. I think that's wonderful.  I look. forward to hearing more about you and your journey, do get comfortable, ask stuff and join in wherever you like. 

I understand ALL of this.    Like, I SO much prefer to be in the world with proper binding (tonight was really not enough to be properly comfortable, but, I compromised for the weather) BUT I can justify that because, no students can look down my front, or I don't bump into stuff, or whatever PRACTICAL reasons / excuses.    There is absolutely NO way of practically justifying this AT ALL. But, you know, I want to know how things feel, and if I am on some kind of gendered journey, I can try this, and laugh at myself, because, NO WAY, in looking for my true reality and authenticity will something so completely fake, and even weirdly not even performative really do / feel ANYTHING.    SO... I mean, I had tried it out around the house on my own, but, I feel like, you don't really get the FEEL of something so not noticeable (plus also, even if it was, WHO, in their right mind, would ever say anything!?) so, then, yesterday, I tried it out just popping to the local shops, and now today, out for the evening.    And this is me! I *would* wave a wand for the effect of top surgery, but I would not (almost 100%) ever have it, even when I feel jealous of people who do, and I ALL the percents would never have bottom surgery (although I WOULD, and more and more likely one day WILL take T) So, KNOWING this, WHY does this FEEL so much to me? 

Hi, Raphael, and welcome. Thank you for your introduction. Please make yourself at home here and share or ask anything that you want.

I relate to every bit of this. Last year, my wife was VERY encouraging that I try padding my chest, wigs, and other ways of "trying on" a feminine appearance and feeling. I *really* didn't want to, because it all just felt so...fake and performative, and I was very much seeking my authenticity! My wife can be very, uh, persistent, so I finally relented, and... I was very surprised by some of the feelings I had. I suppose they would technically be called "euphoria." My wife would see the grin on my face and say  "See?!?!" And all of it together just felt...weird to me. Like, this shouldn't be important to me, and I *shouldn't* have these feelings when I do it, so why DO I have these feelings, and WHAT am I supposed to DO with that? Because I am *not* (AT ALL) interested in surgeries.   And yet these feelings exist.

Hi Raphel!! Welcome to TGP forums and our community. Believe me, you are far from too late realizing your true self. Many of us were decades behind in figuring it all out and sometimes more before we could begin transition. Take your time. Explore our site. Ask questions. We're here to help.

I feel like it plays in to my feelings about the whole way EVERYTHING gender is just make-believe. And this is me playing into make-believe in a way that binding really doesn't. I am wondering whether that's just me hitting personal prejudice and stuff.  Seems like a dumb thing to do. But then, I feel like I like it. So, weird.  Because ALSO, it's a thing that NO ONE will ever really know...

Yeah that a big thing right ! Like even if it feels exciting or positive you still know its fake This is really positive though. Im glad it gave you some positive feelings 😁 so long as you like it, thats all that matters right. Those feelings can be affirming if nothing else ?   And if you know your never going to do it for real and like it. Nothing stopping you do it "fake"

Wow ! Somehow you have managed to perfectly sum up my feelings around myself !! This is arguably the most clear description of what i feel that ive seen 🤯   🤯 honestly the more I read the more I see my own experience !!   Love this 😂😂 as a fellow anime fan in a large body.   @Jossica thank you so much for posting this update. Its really nice to read an example of someone that has experienced what i am experiencing but cant put to words !!   From what you've written it sounds like youve done an amazing job of breaking down your feelings and working out what feels right and I applaud you for that 👏    I hope I can have similar revelations in my own journey but honestly amazing work 🙌 

Oh, ummm. Kind of good, kind of exciting.  But also weird. I am *definitely*  NEVER going to do this for real, so, I feel kind of weird to like it AND very much know it's fake. 

Good feelings or bad ?  Ive been experimenting with tuck wear and fake chest. I quite like it 😅

We all went out for small plates and cocktails, with a walk along the beach and a trip to the local farm that sells their milk via machines that mix milkshake etc   I did *light* binding (which I like LESS, but it's SO sticky here...) and ALSO packing, which is weird to me, that it makes me feel anything.    We all decided that we do not walk along the beach enough for people who live by the sea. 

@Willow, the sole proprietor of the Laser Clinic doesn't currently know that I'm trans. I let slip that I truly despise how hairy I currently am, and she tried to say something to the effect of "Oh, don't feel bad about being hairy! You're still beautiful!", so I can only assume she currently sees me as the kind of softie man who suffers from self-esteem issues.   If she tries to do the whole "You're still beautiful even with the hair you're asking me to get rid of!" thing again, maybe I'll just come out to her and get it over with? I dunno, I feel like she'd be understanding and I remember the trans situation not being as dire in the UK, but I also know for a fact that I still can't come out to anyone and everyone, for my safety.   But the patch test (or whatever it's really called) is going very well so far - no allergic reactions or itches or anything!  I can actually touch and feel my SKIN instead of my HAIR on that part of my arm AND I LOVE IT!!!! 

Hi :) I'm Raphael, 18 and from Germany. My hobbies are guitar, drums and bouldering, plus i like to draw sometimes. I found this site while looking for online communities since i can't come out / transition irl and live in a more rural area where the closest queer support groups are still pretty far away (~1 hour with public transport). I've realized rather late that I'm not cis, when i was around 16, but looking back i see signs that i ignored before. idk how to end this text 🫪  

Kathy's is probably as good a description as I'm likely to come up with. I don't know if "duty" is the word I'd choose as much as I just feel compelled by something within me to do it.   But this has always been true for me, even when I was seen by the world and thought I was a cis-het, white man. Justice and equity for ALL people has always been one of my core values. And it's not limited to the alphabet group. The longer that acronym becomes, the more I think it acknowledges that there really is no attribute that unifies its members; it's effectively "the non-normative." I've always been a champion of the people at the edges of society - migrants, poor, uneducated, disabled... You name it.   What's new and different and feels odd is being included in the group myself - even though I have always been proudly "weird." It's as if now my weirdness is certified. I can't say that changes much for me in this regard. I'll still gladly encourage people to be themselves and be their best, authentic selves they possibly can - because *everyone* benefits when people do that.