Hey @Max It's JUST ABOUT still Thursday. How's it going?    I have been tromping about London in my Pride Tattoo dungarees being traumatised by both undercooked eggs AND ALSO actual *art*    Tomorrow I am getting breakfast beigels, and going to a Wes Anderson exhibition. And eating sticky toffee pudding. 

Another busy London day. And another one tomorrow. Today, I did in my pride tattoo dungarees, and we walked on this crossing... 

@Jamma, my friend, I'm sorry. I offer you the friendliest of hugs.   I think if you're an even slightly emotionally healthy human being, a funeral is likely to bring all kinds of thoughts and feelings like the ones you're having. They would for me. (I wouldn't even have to have known the person.) Death is a big deal.   When I taught astronomy classes, we'd eventually get to the part where we talked about how unimaginably large the Universe is. Students would always remark that this awareness evoked a feeling of being tiny and insignificant (which I absolutely remember feeling myself with this realization). I'd tell them that another way to look at it is that everything you know - and love and are - is right here, on this tiny little testicle orbiting the sun. And it's utterly amazing. So wake up every day and treasure and nurture it, because, in the most practical sense, it's really all there is.   I think the same way about death and what it means about Life. This is it, so make it count. It doesn't mean getting it perfect; it just means giving it your best effort, being kind to yourself, learning from your not-quite-successes, and taking the next right step. We regret the things we didn't do more than we regret the things we did. Sow the seeds, see what comes up.   But it's OK to feel the weight of it, too. Just don't let it keep you from advancing toward what you want your life to be.   You're part of my life, too, Jamma, and I'm grateful for that.

Check out the numbers of members here who came to our senses in our 60s and 70s.  You are a young whippersnapper in comparison!  We all wish we'd figured it out sooner, but life is what it is.  They say the most common age for MTF transition is 35-55.

https://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-modern/tracey-emin/tracey-emin-a-second-life

Oh, it's the Tracey Emin at The Tate. WILDLY traumatic. The friend I went with was in tears by the end.    *I*, as noted by my actual therapist am incapable of allowing my feelings OUT, so... 

Hi, Melody. Hugs from me, too.   Everything you say you're feeling is absolutely reasonable and understandable. Especially at first, when you're really coming to terms with the reality that pretending just isn't working for you anymore but also not feeling clear about what exactly you need to do, the best way to keep yourself calm is to remember that you don't have to (and really can't) figure it ALL out right now. It's pretty much always a "next step" situation. And it seems clear from what you've said that the next step is talking to your therapist about it. They will almost certainly be well-equipped to guide you gently through questions and considerations that can help you find the next "next step."     This is the key, and it's a really valuable habit to develop. We have a choice as to whether to worry about the "bad" things or strive for the "good" ones. Our worst fears are rarely realized.   You can do this (whatever that ends up being). You deserve to be who you really are.

What kind of exhibit are we talking about here ! Sounds mentally draining 😂   Always a plus hahaha

Awww. Thank you.    I also might have not only been to the most traumatic exhibition ever today, but also consumed cocktails, so...

I feel this  I never had a good relationship with the majority of my family and ao the friends I chose became my family. For what its worth, I consider you a friend toli and will always be available to have an adult chat if you need one (again only if its online it counts haha) Even if I have crippling depression half the time 😂

Went through my grandmother's house and removed what I wanted, luckily there was no fights over everything. Visted her in Hospice too, she is ready to go.

Hey lovely.  Funerals are tricky. it brings a lot of stuff to the surface. And, it can be a lot to process.    It's also easy to slide into the morbid side of it.    I know that, if I had not built my own people, literally no one would come to my funeral, I COULD be sad about this, but, I was disowned by my entire family over a funeral, so, I mean, the kids dad never had one, and, I don't care if I don't have one either. Funerals are really only for the people left behind, I will never know. I paid for one, so the kids can do whatever they want, but, really, it's fine either way.    And life really CAN suck. And don't mind me, I went to a wildly distressing life changingly I feel my trauma has all been seen exhibition today, so/....   I DEFINITELY want more real life people in my life. I don't know how to find them. So, I just enjoy my online people!    having been disowned, and considering the kids dad is gone, it is possible for me to spend a LOT of time NEVER speaking out loud to an adult. Certainly not IN PERSON. I find it quite distressingly isolated. 

Thank you I appreciate your words I have never spoke to anyone about this subject it feels like a weight has been lifted. I just wish that I could tell my partner who I really am inside but I know she would never except this side of me it can be very overwhelming at times.    You mentioned age which is also on my mind so what because I think to myself that I'm 40 years old am to old to felling like this, should this of been something that should of happened many years ago as I read about it all the time that people in the teens and early 20s are going through this.

Hey Melody,   More *hugs*   it's really a LOT. I am struggling with SOME of this. And I struggle to discuss my gender things with my therapist - but I struggle to discuss anything, because our loud things are hard for me generally. MY biggest issue is the kids.    But I ALSO know that I REALLY want (need?) to do some transitioning. And I DO have a gender clinic appointment, and I AM excited, but I am ALSO still anxious! 

Funeral went well. He had a lovely turn out and it was a beautiful send off.  He was a great guy and I will miss him.   I preface this next part with I really AM okay and this next section will touch on certain topics that may not be for everyone so safety first and trigger warning for talk around death and after reading my true unfiltered thoughts below this is on the depressing side so I reader discretion is advised haha (honestly feel free to ignore this and treat it as me venting)   . . . . .   Okay here we go   This is going to sound really morbid and im sure its been bought on by the funeral and feelings towards losing a friend but sometimes life really sucks. It take away good people and it isnt fair. I had horrible feelings come up of "why is it that living can be so difficult and horrible" but also "i dont want to die" its like all these struggles and trials and "do normal people have to deal with bs" kinda stuff makes me think this one chance at life we all get isnt always fair. We are only here for a short time, why do things have to be so confusing, difficult and complicated you know.    After losing a friend, it makes me realise how important certain things are and the limited time we have and im feeling VERY overwhelmed.    I know this is really really toxic to myseld but i couldn't help but think to myself if it had been me that had died, how many of these people would have bothered coming to my funeral.    Ive always been quite solitary and my family "closeness" has never really existed so i feel very alone.    Having these forums and friendly people to openly chat with and be friends (even if only in the online sense haha) is nice but I have this awful oxymoron of wanting connection but hating and being terrible at socialising.   Im okay, and today has been a day. But sometimes you just consider life and how much it can suck and its hard to remember the happy. Another one for the therapist I suppose haha.   On a slightly happier note so that it is not all doom and gloom. Im painting my nails again tonight and i got some nice new rings that i love and suit my style 😁

Yeah, the septum one just annoyed me, so, I took it out.  I currently have nostril, eyebrow, lip, tragus, daith, both lobes, flat, helix, forward helix, industrial.    University WAS awesome, I was very lucky to be able to access the time abroad. 

@Melody Goldfinch My therapist was the first person I came out to and I was scared to bring it up. But I really liked and trusted her and figured I’d never have a better chance. Once I started, I was amazed how easily it flowed out. And to my surprise, she was suspecting this and excited that I opened up. Since it sounds like you have a similar relationship with your therapist, I’ll bet they have a good understanding of you and won’t be taken aback by what you tell them. The great thing about coming out first to your therapist is that it doesn’t have to go any farther than that. If you talk it out with them and you don’t feel like pushing it further, you can put it to rest and move on. If it feels right, they can help you move forward. Anyway, I join with Jessica in offering hugs and support.  

Nothing worth doing is ever easy we have to keep pushing in a world of hate and fear    i want/need to see you live your life to the fullest and on your terms    and when your time comes to leave this world you will have a smile on your face and think that yes this was a good life and i hope you would want the same for me   im supporting you 100% 

Oh, thanks Jessica!   Honestly, not living as one's true self is probably not excusable in the long run. I know people have many different views on this but for me, this is the one life I get and it's a rare and wonderful thing. Not following my heart on this seems like a waste in a way. I'm not trying to be negative with that statement, more trying to empower myself. Almost like I owe this to myself. It's my responsibility! Nobody has an easy life. We all have tough choices to make but that's what keeps it all interesting, right? I need to to this! I need to talk to my therapist! I'm going to do it! I'm just so scared! AHHH!

Well, its a bit rough to be LGBTQ+ and be known for voting anything but Democrat.  Its like there's just an assumption from both the right wingers and the LGBTQ+ community that you have to be a Democrat voter.  LGBTQ+ spaces become a Democrat echo chamber, and in conservative spaces you get attacked for being a Democrat even when you aren't one.     One thing I'm seeing in my area is that youger folks are not interested in the Democrat party.  If they're right wing, they're unafraid.  If they're left wing, they're more interested in other options.  My trans girlfriend is on the young end of Gen Z, and 100% a Trump fan.  Most of her cohort seem to drink from the same Kool Aid pitcher.  I'm a millennial and rather jaded about most of it.  I consider myself to be a classical liberal, I often vote Libertarian, and I'm a registered independent.   I really hope for more political diversity, especially among LGBTQ+ folks.  The more we get away from a corrupt 2-party system, the better.