When A Friend / Family Member Makes You Confused

[Guest Natalie92]

So, I talked with one of my friends (whom I also consider a sister to me) about my TG issues and we never really discussed them since a couple days after I came out to her. I asked her for some advice on stuff, and she started asking me "How are you a girl EXACTLY?" which was immediately followed by "Would you get surgery?"

After telling her what made me a girl and that I had a very strong possibility for getting surgery one day, she flat out told me that she didn't think it'd be a good idea for me, stating "Gay men won't be attracted to you anymore since you'd now have the features of a woman. And let's say you find a straight guy you like, who thinks you're attractive, but he gets disgusted by the fact that you used to be a man? You won't be able to find anyone, and you NEED someone to function in the long run." All I know is that second half of the last sentence is true. She went on to say, "I think it'd be a lot easier for you if you just remained a gay man. Even if you're a feminine gay man." I know she's trying to think in my best interest, so this makes me so confused.

Natalie Alexis

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

I use to feel that way as well, but I'm not attracted towards gay men at all. I prefer strait heterosexual men. I wanted a somewhat normal relationship and that's what I got. I found a strait man who sees my potential as a woman.

You need to listen to your own heart on this and how you feel as a woman, your friend does not fully understand what makes up a transsexual personality and why we must have SRS to fix our defects. I know myself that I am woman from skin to marrow, except for the fact I was born with a birth defect. I have to get that fixed or I'll never be happy because my mind doesn't fit my body. Your in the same boat and unless you don't feel that way you must at some point have your surgery as well. Don't be confused but do listen to your inner voice and your heart, then you will know yourself and truly understand what you need to do.

Love

Charlene Leona

[Guest Kara PK]

...And let's say you find a straight guy you like, who thinks you're attractive, but he gets disgusted by the fact that you used to be a man? You won't be able to find anyone, and you NEED someone to function in the long run." All I know is that second half of the last sentence is true. She went on to say, "I think it'd be a lot easier for you if you just remained a gay man. Even if you're a feminine gay man."...

Natalie Alexis

What if you find a straight guy you like, who thinks your attractive, but isn't "disgusted" by the fact that you had to correct your body to match your gender? :]

[Guest Zabrak]

lol Thats like saying a FTM can't find a date - which is not true. I'm dating a Bi guy. Theres bi, pan, straight guys who are more open to transgendered backgrounds. Exc.

Theres never just black and white - gay and straight don't rule the world.

[Guest CharlieRose]

What if you find a straight guy you like, who thinks your attractive, but isn't "disgusted" by the fact that you had to correct your body to match your gender? :]

Indeed.

I would have said, "Better? Yes. Possible? No." There are millions of reasons it's better to be cisgender than trans. When we transition, we're aware of that. We don't transition because we're under the delusion that our lives would be "better" in terms of societal privilege. We transition 'cause it's the only way we can live.

[Guest Natalie92]

What if you find a straight guy you like, who thinks your attractive, but isn't "disgusted" by the fact that you had to correct your body to match your gender? :]

I know, but her comments were enough to make me so confused that almost immediately after I posted I cried until I fell asleep. My main problem is that while it's not IMPOSSIBLE by any means to find someone who will truly love me, it certainly will be a lot harder. And like I said orginally, she knows that I NEED someone to function, meaning that if I go too long without someone, I break down into a terrible depression.

Natalie Alexis

[Guest April63]

Maybe if you surround yourself with supportive friends you will find the relationship you are looking for. Or maybe at least you will find the satisfaction you need.

[Guest Natalie92]

Maybe if you surround yourself with supportive friends you will find the relationship you are looking for. Or maybe at least you will find the satisfaction you need.

This has nothing to do with her being a friend who isn't supportive enough, because she IS. She's a great friend who just happens to think I'd be making a serious mistake if I pursue HRT, FFS, SRS and whatever else I missed. She told me that she'll still be there for me if I pursue it, which indicates she's supportive. That's what makes me so upset and confused. She's looking out for me (or at least is trying to) and she told me that she feels 100% certain that I would regret going through with it and wished I'd never done any of it. And since she IS thinking in my best interests, I can't simply brush off what she said to me as someone who's beliefs and ignorance are trying to get in the way of what I need to get done. My only problem with this is that I'm now seriously confused and upset.

Natalie Alexis

[Guest April63]

Well you said that you need to find someone to be in a relationship with. That was what I was trying to get at. If you find people who are supportive and you get close enough, you might be able to find a partner there.

It's clear that your friend really cares for you. I think you're in the same boat as everyone else. You need to sit back and relax and figure out who you really are and what you really want to be. And what you're willing to risk to accomplish that.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Is there anyone you're talking to profesionally about this, like a gender therapist? Definitely tell them about this.

& unless your SRS's scheduled for next week I think it's OK if you need to think about this for a bit. As long as you're honest with yourself about who you are and not revert (back) to denial & convinciong yourself you can 'simply' be a gay man instead of the straight woman you feel you are.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

So, I talked with one of my friends (whom I also consider a sister to me) about my TG issues and we never really discussed them since a couple days after I came out to her. I asked her for some advice on stuff, and she started asking me "How are you a girl EXACTLY?" which was immediately followed by "Would you get surgery?"

After telling her what made me a girl and that I had a very strong possibility for getting surgery one day, she flat out told me that she didn't think it'd be a good idea for me, stating "Gay men won't be attracted to you anymore since you'd now have the features of a woman. And let's say you find a straight guy you like, who thinks you're attractive, but he gets disgusted by the fact that you used to be a man? You won't be able to find anyone, and you NEED someone to function in the long run." All I know is that second half of the last sentence is true. She went on to say, "I think it'd be a lot easier for you if you just remained a gay man. Even if you're a feminine gay man." I know she's trying to think in my best interest, so this makes me so confused.

Natalie Alexis

Alright, well first off, it sounds like you need to become strong for yourself. You are indicating to me, by your need to have someone, that you have independence issues. It's ok, because I did too for the longest time. I lost a relationship as a result of it. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet without having to have someone else before you can let someone in. Otherwise you'll end up being clingy. It's an unfortunate inevitability. Don't make any decisions, and I do mean any decisions, until you can stand for yourself. That means holding off on relationships and pursuing transitioning. Remember, it takes two strong people to make a relationship fruitful. One weak and one strong person will cause the whole scale to topple over.

Second, when it comes down to transitioning, you have to ask yourself why you need to transition. Any good gender therapist will ask you the same question as well, so be prepared. You could practice by telling us, for instance.

.Anna

[Guest CharlieRose]

Also, another point:

How does she know that you'll regret it? What type of experience does she have in this area? Is she just basing her worries off of stereotypes?

In reality, there are many transwomen who have supportive boyfriends and husbands. It's completely and totally possible. It's not something that will disappear if you transition.

As a transguy who's out, my life is not that difficult. I've been asked a few questions, even a few rude ones, but overall, most people are completely accepting and respect me as a man (though it helps that most of my friends are on the GLBT spectrum). And apparently I could get quite a few girls if I wanted them.

Transitioning is hard. But it's not the end. It's the beginning. When you feel right and are supported you find yourself summoning up strength and courage you never felt before.

[Guest Natalie92]

So, I talked to her again tonight and asked her why she felt the way she did. She told me that she was under the impression that the majority of feminine gay men felt that it would be easier living as a female. She also mentioned that surgery that wasn't physically necessary would probably lead to regrets in her opinion. I explained to her that most gay men don't feel the way that I do, and that surgery is so far down the road that I'm not sure if I'll end up getting it, but I know I'm not really a guy. We agreed to keep talking on this later.

Natalie Alexis

[Guest CharlieRose]

So, I talked to her again tonight and asked her why she felt the way she did. She told me that she was under the impression that the majority of feminine gay men felt that it would be easier living as a female. She also mentioned that surgery that wasn't physically necessary would probably lead to regrets in her opinion. I explained to her that most gay men don't feel the way that I do, and that surgery is so far down the road that I'm not sure if I'll end up getting it, but I know I'm not really a guy. We agreed to keep talking on this later.

Natalie Alexis

And there are the stereotypes. I've never met a feminine gay man who would live as a woman just because it's "easier." Never. In fact, as a feminine gay man who's lived as a woman, it's really really not worth it just for the societal priviledge. And surgery *is* necessary for a lot of people. Just because they're functioning, it doesn't mean they function the right way.

She's worried about you, but she's also undereducated. Her saying that you'll regret it is like Tom Cruise saying there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance. They're not experts on the subjects they're talking about, so how would they really know if they're right or wrong?

It might take a while, but once she comes to realize that this is just who you are, I'm sure she'll be very supportive.

[Guest Ryles_D]

It's good she's looking out for you- but it also sounds like hse doesn't know what she's talking about.

Be glad that you have a friend who cares about you, take her advice with a grain (or truckload) of salt, and be patient with her until she gets it.