What Am I Doing Wrong?

[Guest PaintedWingss]

So, I'm having a little issue. I'm doing everything the advice everyone gives on here tells me to, I dress in guy's clothes (usually a t-shirt, button-down shirt, baseball hat, and guy's jeans), I bind, I pack, I lower my voice as much as I can (which is a little hard, considering I'm a natural soprano), and I act male. Yet, I'm still being mistaken for a girl. Yesterday at the movies, the lady at the counter called me 'ma'am' without hesitation. Is there something I'm doing wrong, or I'm not doing? My girlfriend told me I might be trying to hard, but this should be coming naturally. What do you guys think? Is there a make or break aspect that makes you male or female to strangers? Is it the way I look?

I will post a few pictures as soon as I get the chance in case it's my looks that's doing it. Until then, I happen to be 5'1.5", with thick thighs because of my unfortunate female pear-shape.

- Taylor

[Guest JaniceW]

Taylor,

A comment from the other side. We ladies worry about the same things too. I have to come to believe that the single most important thing you can do it is truly see yourself as a man. Never mind what you are wearing or how your styled your hair. How do you FEEL? Inside yourself? Do you FEEL like a man? Seems maybe you don't, because if you truly felt like a man none of this stuff you are talking about would make any difference to you.

So it seems to me that the answer is to focus on how you see yourself and not so much on how you dress or talk or act.

[Guest Neviah]

Taylor,

How do you carry yourself in public? This could affect things...because your avatar picture looks male to me. Also, how long have you been living as male in public? In the intro thread you mentioned that you are still "new to this." It could be that you need some time to adjust and gain confidence.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you.

~Neviah

[Guest washougal]

Ditto. I have noticed that while physical appearance obviously can have a big effect, attitude and confidence can make up for a lot. Sometimes if you worry to much about passing you will actually change your body language and the way you walk. Thinking or worrying too much about passing can cause you to inadvertently tense up which can make your appearance more feminine since women usually walk in a way that looks kinda like their movement is restricted. Remember to stay relaxed and try to move confidently and occupy space. Women are taught to stay out of other peoples way and always move to the side for others. This doesn't mean that you have to be rude to look like a guy but try to think about really occupying the space where you are standing, make your presence known.

Also t-shirts and jeans are not always your friend depending on how you wear them. Look at how masculine looking guys wear their clothes and try to copy this. Where you let the bottom edge of your t-shirt fall can draw attention towards or away from the hip/thighs. Jeans that are cut to be work pants instead of just everyday clothing can sometimes hide stuff better in my experience since they are made to allow you to move freely they dont show body shape as much and they are also cut to fit people with bigger legs. The only downsides to these types of pants is that they dont make one look like the thinnest person around and since they tend to be looser they de-emphasize the visual effects of wearing a packer.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Washougal

P.S. remember it can take a while to learn how to pass. If something isn't working try switching things up a bit to see if something else works.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Taylor:

Dude, you're not doing anything wrong as far as I can see. Like the other people say here, it really is all about attitude. Funny, but isn't it really true that this whole trans business really does just come down to how we FEEL in the final analysis.

Bro, this may not help, but then again, it may, so here goes:

In many ways, I'm a failed transition, and I know it and admit it. So, what'd I do? Decided to present as an androgyne (which realistically is quite possibly the best I can ever hope for) and just decided to do that scene, like it and like myself. Well, nobody calls me "Ma'am" ... ever has ... ever will. So, fine. Like, whatever.

I made up my mind to FEEL female internally, and that makes ALL the difference. Mind you, I'm not a girlie girl like many T-girls seem to be. Anyway, I'm doing androgyny loudly, proudly and publicly. Heck with 'em all. That attitude has made a HUGE difference, man. It REALLY has.

How much so? Very much so! Dig this crap for illustration, man:

Okay, I'm into girls/women and not guys. Can't help it. That's my orientation. Well, since I've decided to ACCEPT MYSELF, four women are actively and aggressively interested in me! Dang! Mind you, I'm age 55. Well, one is age 59 (Brains ... she's got a Ph.D.) and is a hoot. The other is age 45 (Beauty ... average gal but nice). The other two? They are in their early- and mid-twenties! You believe that, man? The one is very smart and very cute. The other is failry smart but very hot.

Unreal! Mind you, I present with a stylish guy's baseball cap ... girl's sweater ... guy's pants ... girls elevated sandals including and anklet and toe ring. Best of all, I wear eye makeup ... have burgeoning breasts but go braless and have an athletically girlish shape.

Lookin' like THAT, these biobabes STILL like me! Like, dang!

See, man? Maybe everybody on here is right about this attitude stuff after all. Workin' for me, man! Hey, it'll work for you!

Rock the house and rock your life! ATTITUDE! Make it yours!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest PaintedWingss]

Thanks guys. I think my girlfriend is right - I believe I'm trying way too hard. It just still bothers me that I present myself as male, including my behavior, and I'm still being mistaken for a girl. But I'll follow your advice and stop trying to darn hard to be a guy.

[Guest ScifiComicDUDE]

You are not doing anything wrong, some people are just more observant than others, you will pass to some and you will not pass to some nomatter what you do. Even if you try too hard, some people will still pick you as a "girl", especially if you are pre T. Some people go by stereotypes, they look at your height, voice, body shape, face and think obviously that can't be a guy, even though some bioguys may look like that, i'm sure they get mistaken for girls at times.

don't get discouraged, just continue moving foward with your transition, they will come a time when people wont even have to question your gender.

[Guest PaintedWingss]

Here are some pictures I just took after my hair cut today:

[Guest Leigh]

you look totally passable... so, just know who you are, and you'll be set.

peace&love

[JJ]

Conditioning is a powerful thing-I have to remind myself that I'm not playing the game anymore and I am walking the world as my true self. The other day I was sitting in a chair in a new social situation and noticed I had defaulted into a my female uneasy posture-knees together, head down and all. I reminded myself to be present as me not her and my head came op, my shoulders went back and my whole body opened up. Nothing I tried to do-it just happened because I naturally sit and move differently than the facade I lived behind so long.

Saturday I could feel that I wasn't see as male-because someone asked my daughter if I was her mother and looking back I can see that my attitude was different that day. I just wasn't really completely there-kind of along for the ride like the old days if you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how you are dressed or how your hair looks if it isn't your true self you are presenting. And that starts in your head. Anything else is playacting. Lots of people aren't fooled by playacting

You got the look down -now just let the guy just go free and you're home free.

[Michael Christopher]

Taylor,

You are totally passible. I had the same problem I presented as male and looked and acted but my thing was i wasnt confident.

The more confident i got with myself the more i found myself passing. I believe in you! you got this man!

[Guest PoorTom]

In terms of facial structure, clothing, etc., you're totally masculine. However, the one thing that I can see people insta-judging you as female for would be the hair. Obviously there are plenty of guys with longer hair, but it is a more "feminine" look in our society, and older generations in particular are going to read it as female. So that might be something to consider changing if it really bothers you.

Personally, I'd like to try my hair longer, but when it starts to grow out I begin to feel insecure about how well I'm passing (even though I've been at it for two years now). So a big part of it, as others have mentioned, is your own self-doubt/confidence.

A huge part of passing, at least for me, is finding clothes, hairstyles, and accessories that make you feel confident and comfortable. If there's any element of your self-stylization that makes you feel uncomfortable about passing (even if it's a style you like - there's a difference between liking how you look and feeling comfortable about passing) and eliminate it until you've begun to pass and gain confidence in your ability to do so.

The other part, which people have already talked about, is simply conveying confidence and masculinity through body language and how you feel about yourself.

All of that advice becomes unimportant if you can master the number 1 most important thing: learn not to give a **** about what anyone else thinks. Find out who you are and roll with it. Of course, that's also the hardest thing to achieve. Good luck, and remember, you're awesome. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Guest PaintedWingss]

In terms of facial structure, clothing, etc., you're totally masculine. However, the one thing that I can see people insta-judging you as female for would be the hair. Obviously there are plenty of guys with longer hair, but it is a more "feminine" look in our society, and older generations in particular are going to read it as female. So that might be something to consider changing if it really bothers you.

I think it's a little hard to see in my pictures, but my hair is really short everywhere but my bangs. I can't even put it into a tiny ponytail holder if I wanted to.

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll be going out today in guy mode, so I'll put it to the test and see what happens.

[Flint]

Taylor:

I made up my mind to FEEL female internally, and that makes ALL the difference. Mind you, I'm not a girlie girl like many T-girls seem to be. Anyway, I'm doing androgyny loudly, proudly and publicly. Heck with 'em all. That attitude has made a HUGE difference, man. It REALLY has.

Lacey Lynne

No offence but telling yourself to FEEL female suggest brainwashing yourself to me. You either feel it or you don't. I don't fully understand all this stuff "I tell myself to feel" cause that is like when a unhappy person goes "I tell myself to feel happy" in a way to condition their mind into hopefully feeling happier. I just guess I've never understood when trans people say "i tell myself to feel male" or i tell myself to feel female. you either feel it or you don't. There is no telling yourself you're female or male. One either feels male or they don't.

I know I'm gonna get some stick for that. but these things confuse me.

This is actually where the problem starts. The very fact that we sit here going "i need to do this to be male" "I need to do this" "I need to feel this way to be male" blah blah is exactly the thing that makes people not confident. "Am I standing the correct way?" "Do I have the right attitude to be a male" while one can feel insecure like I said you either feel male or you don't. I can understand thinking "Hmm My face makes me look feminine. No one will BELIEVE i am male" I can understand scrutinizing things like that. But if in your heart of hearts you feel male, you are male then it's got nothing to do with attitude.

It strikes people that your actually trying to change your actions that you naturally do therefore you are actually changing yourself not merely enhancing who you are.

We're in a superficial world. Anyone would be dense to not see that. As humans it's actually somewhat natural to be somewhat superficial to an extent. But superficial things should only come into life to make YOU feel comfy. not to conform to what others superficially want you to be like or expect you to be like.

If I feel comfy with a long beard, old mans cap at the mere age of 20 I'll do that. Others will think I'm an odd ball. Because i'm 20 and the beard and hat pose an image of perhaps a much older man. But that is my way of getting my image which is superficial but also with depth because it is part of my inner identity. I feel much older than 20 in my head.

What I'm saying is. you feel male? You know in your heart your male? Then your male!

Forget all this "change your attitude stuff"

Conciously trying to change your attitude and actions just makes you look even more suspicious. Attitudes don't change over night. Attitudes change with INNER confidence. You have to realise you're a man no matter what some of your actions may be. For example maybe you have a a habit of using your hands when you speak and it may be seen in a feminine or 'gay' way. But if you KNOW who you are who is anyone else to deny that? They can try on the outside to deny it. But it doesn't change the truth.

[Guest ShortyT]

Excellent post, Matthias.

PaintedWings:

People see the world differently. Some here think you pass completely in your pics, if I saw those with no context, I would think it was a girl. If I met you in person I have no idea what I would initially read you as, since there are all those subtle cues that matter too. As for me, I'm on t, I have a bit of stubble going, my voice is lower, but most strangers still assume female when they meet me. It's annoying, but as I see it, that's a mistake on their end, not mine. Best I can do is to just be myself. I take some itty bitty comfort in the fact that my good friend, who is a cis-male, also have people coming up to him and saing "Excuse me miss..."

[JJ]

Matty-What I mean, and others too sometimes, is to remind yourself to drop the mask and the learned behaviors that have become habit. Society forced us to conform-some people are more susceptible to that than others and some environments put more pressure on you to do that. As a coping mechanism, in order to get along in the world and society I had to live in, I learned to move like a woman and act like a woman. It didn't fit on the inside but it was necessary. Now I have to fight that conditioning and socialization. If you are free of it you are lucky. But most of us are not.

If people, most people, were really able to be non-conformists it would be a more interesting and colorful, world but for most the need to conform is a basic drive that is very painful or difficult to ignore. When you are female bodied you are expected to conform to certain ways of moving and talking , etc. There are norms for almost every aspect of our lives. And in order to live as yourself and be seen as the male person you actually are you have to remind yourself to let go of those norms and act male. That is I believe what people mean about changing attitude and remembering to be male. It;s a kind of shorthand for letting go of all that you have been taught and letting instinct take over instead.

[Guest mary/jason]

it actually depends a lot on the culture too. masculine women are recognized in this country but i have a FTM friend who passes 500% when he is home in afghanistan because there's just masculine males and feminine females. if you have short hair and pants, you're a guy, no questions asked. when he is here in the US, even though he looks exactly the same, 90% of strangers call him she.

there's a certain level of perception that people have and once they pick up on any particular cues they believe identify your gender they can't see you any other way. really pre transitioning theres a good 50-50 window for passing, but thats just me.

madison

[Guest PaintedWingss]

Yeah, I'm not on T yet. Can't afford it, not sure in insurance covers it, and, being bigender, my female self will hate me for it. I do what I can right now. It might also be that I look younger than I actually am. Even though I'm a freshman in college, when I'm in girl-mode, I'm mistaken for a high school freshman. D: