How to Overcome Opposition to Your Transition By Others

[Guest BeckyTG]

Being born transsexual is currently recognized as a medical condition and it is treatable through hormones and surgery.

I know of no other medical condition where those around the affected patient are so resistant to treatment as this condition. If you came from the Doctor's office with a diagnosis requiring chemotherapy, your friends and family would all wonder how they could help. They would likely talk and plan among themselves on how to best support you. You'd lose your hair, lose weight and, generally, become unrecognizable. They'd still love and support you.

So, come home from the Doctor's office with a prescription for hormone therapy and see what happens.... Yes, your appearance would change, you'd become unrecognizable. But I doubt you'd get the same reaction of support.

So, the best way to overcome this opposition is to become like a starfish. Uh, what? A starfish.

Every try to open a clam? Well, you can't. The muscle of the clam keeps the shell closed tight and I mean tight. The shell of the clam is very hard stuff it you're not going to penetrate it with your fingernails.

The starfish prey on clams and they get every one of them open easily. The starfish wraps around the clam and has a hydraulic system that allows it to pump water out of ducts that apply a very light hydraulic pressure on the clam to open the shell. Well, the clam is far stronger and can easily withstand the very slight pressure of the starfish. However, the starfish is relentless and continuous. The clam gets no relief and can't sleep or even open enough to eat while this attack is under way. Eventually, the clam gets worn out and has to give in and open up. It's over now.

Reading modern stories of small children born trans who are simply relentless that they are girls, not boys is inspiring. They don't give up, they don't give in and, eventually, many of them win.

Our problem is that we have given in too easily and too soon. Times are changing and there is more and more educational material available every day regarding the condition of transsexualism. It *is* a medical condition and it *is* recognized by the American Medical Association. So, stop thinking of yourself as having some little fetish. It's not a fetish and it's not going away.

The key is to continue to apply very gentle, but continuous, pressure on those around us. It can be as simple as changing the type of underwear we wear, the style of shoes and slacks. Growing out our hair, getting our ears pierced. There are many things now that used to be the domain exclusively of females, that is now accepted as male behavior as well. So, do it. Don't push people into things, let them simply be exposed to it gently and gradually. Let them get used to things over time. Be consistent, but you don't have to get in people's faces.

I have demonstrated to many people that being trans is not that far out, that trans people can be normal, respectable people. I suffered many years thinking that only cabaret people could live this way. I was wrong. Many of us can do this, we just have to be reliable, dependable, trustworthy and nice to others and we'll gain acceptance over time.

Keep smiling, keep being someone that people can laugh with and depend on. People like that are hard to find. If you command respect, you'll find this journey to be much easier.

The key is to stick with it, be low pressure, but be constant and consistent.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest Robin Winter]

Sounds like a good plan to me! I would love to get my ears pierced again...but unless my company is ever willing to recognize me as a woman, it violates our dress code.

[Guest Jaded1]

Awesome post Becky and great analogy.

I guess the problem is is that in this country (and no I don't want this to go into a politics/religion debate) there is such a heated and polarized debate on the national table about the "whole gay issue" and there is so much disinformation being spread that it is hard to get people to see through that and realize that in the end it IS a legitimate medical concern.

The reason I lump transsexualism in with "the gay issue" is, let's face it. Most folks, even some well educated ones, upon hearing that somone is trans immediately in their minds jump to the sexuality side of it. Without exception, everyone I know that I have told in my circle of friends, asked me at some point or another if I was gay.

Of course the explanation was somewhat lengthened by the fact that I am in fact gay but not in the way they think and I have to explain to them that gender identity and sexual identity are two very different things.

What my point is, is that something like cancer does not have a sexual connotation to it and is something that in most people's eyes are a "you have to treat it, or you die." issue. Hence the sympathy for the sick. Now we both know that just looking at the suicide rate amongst the trans community would indicate an even higher fatality rate than those with cancer, but there is an obvious disconnect between cause and effect in the minds of most.

Transsexualism is something that is not understood, or heavily (many times intentionally) misunderstood and even feared and from fear comes a visceral reaction.

Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with that mindset at all (obviously) and I am on board with you 110% but as long as people aren't even educated about their own sexuality, we remain in the position of fighting this uphill battle where we must first disassociate the two in the minds of others and only then can we go on to help them understand how serious and legitimate this problem really is.

[Guest BeckyTG]

Awesome post Becky and great analogy.

I guess the problem is is that in this country (and no I don't want this to go into a politics/religion debate) there is such a heated and polarized debate on the national table about the "whole gay issue" and there is so much disinformation being spread that it is hard to get people to see through that and realize that in the end it IS a legitimate medical concern.

The reason I lump transsexualism in with "the gay issue" is, let's face it. Most folks, even some well educated ones, upon hearing that somone is trans immediately in their minds jump to the sexuality side of it. Without exception, everyone I know that I have told in my circle of friends, asked me at some point or another if I was gay.

Of course the explanation was somewhat lengthened by the fact that I am in fact gay but not in the way they think and I have to explain to them that gender identity and sexual identity are two very different things.

What my point is, is that something like cancer does not have a sexual connotation to it and is something that in most people's eyes are a "you have to treat it, or you die." issue. Hence the sympathy for the sick. Now we both know that just looking at the suicide rate amongst the trans community would indicate an even higher fatality rate than those with cancer, but there is an obvious disconnect between cause and effect in the minds of most.

Transsexualism is something that is not understood, or heavily (many times intentionally) misunderstood and even feared and from fear comes a visceral reaction.

Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with that mindset at all (obviously) and I am on board with you 110% but as long as people aren't even educated about their own sexuality, we remain in the position of fighting this uphill battle where we must first disassociate the two in the minds of others and only then can we go on to help them understand how serious and legitimate this problem really is.

Well, we have to educate them. Here's how I handle this and it has to be short and sweet.

First off, it's been proven that the brains of gay people are different than straight people. You are born gay, it's not a choice. It is a birth condition.

Secondly, people are born trans, it is also a birth condition. It is NOT sexual. Being gay involves certain activities, being trans is nothing at all about activities. It is, purely and simply, about how I see myself, nothing more.

Finally, between you and me, if you are attracted to men and you really are trans, then you're actually a straight female. When asked if you are gay after revealing that your trans, the correct answer is no.

When religious people get after me for "changing my sex", my reply is that many members of the clergy wear glasses. Those are corrective lenses to "correct" the physical problem of poor eyesight. I have undergone chemical treatment of my condition under a Doctor's care. There is no difference.

One key to acceptance is to get this out of the arena of sex, for it's nothing about sex. I have educated many people about this and converted the beliefs of a number of formerly opposed religious people. This is how we see ourselves and absolutely not one thing beyond that.

Becky

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Becky: Thanks for this perspective. And as Jaded1 said, it was a great analogy. As an older transitioner, its harder to be relentless. At least for me, it's hard to overcome our background, how we were raised, the environment we were raised in and the current family responsibilities we have. Sort of "hard to train an old dog new tricks." But...obviously it can be and has been done. Many of the girls here are living proof. I sure hope I can be as relentless too.

Jaded1: You also make some excellent points about the perceived sexuality of all of this. It's such a shame that we're stereotyped right from the get go. Although I wonder in part if part of that is due to using the term transsexual versus transgender?

[Guest ranse]

Becky, you've finally given me a label I like: Starfish.

[Guest John Chiv]

Becky,

Excellent post. Great advice.

John

[Sakura]

Nice post becky. i often do like reading yours. though i believe thee key difference between having cancer and having "trans " is a dynamics shift in how the person must interact with you on an interpersonal level. while cancer does change how one interacts with you . it does not change how one must interact with your gender and preconcieved notion of who you are and what your gender is and means to them, same with the difference between being gay and being transsexual in the eyes of friends and family. while being gay may seem awkward and weird , like cancer it does not change how one must interact with you on a gender level , they can still call you jonny , they need not have to get use to new pronouns. little changes exept for the fact that you are gay.

i do like the starfish analogy though . i used much of the same tactic with my mom, though i was not as subtle about it. it took my mom quite a while to accept it with the pressure turned up full blast . i would prolly still be part time if i had tip toed about it. but much like the clam and the starfish , the pressure no matter how subtle ...... can still kill the clam .

Sakura

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Becky the Starfish - I haven't been around to read your posts for a while. GOOD STUFF as usual, dang.

Being a bit silly here, but I overcame opposition to transitioning by simply doing it anyway. To modify the old adage "It's easier to seek forgiveness, than to get permission." - "It's easier to explain later, than to ask for acceptance beforehand."

Grin - Becky, really thinking on this, do we really have a choice? I mean we HAVE to be ourselves, or we die. The HELL what others say we have to be, it's our life.

But it is good to go slow - very good advice... I told everyone at work I was Native American and going back to my roots with the turquoise necklaces, gold earrings, and long hair... and open flowing shirts, tight jeans, and soft sole shoes. It also explained the lack of facial and body hair as the HRT worked it's magic.

Lizzie

Becky, YOU NAILED IT! Wikipedia - "Yet ,,, (some) sea stars are sequential hermaphrodites ... some species being protandrous ... young individuals are males that change into females as they grow larger".

[Cyndee]

Beautiful words to live by, and very timely for me. I live and love to smile.

Thanks Becky

Cindy -

[Guest eliza.d]

awesome topic becky and great advice from one and all.

here's my dilemma. dont know if any of you have caught any of my posts yet. theres a great deal of detail in there with relation to my perspective.

for all 33 years of my life i have known who i really was but was afraid to lose everyone in my life so i covered it up. about 3 months ago i told the first person i trusted, and i felt loved me enough to stick with me thru all this. my wife of 12 years.. what has been hard on hef is how fast everything has begun to develope since letting my most personal, most guarded secret out. i really didnt expect the woman in me, really me, to take over so fast. my whole perspective on life has emerged. fight for survival. my whole family has abandoned me. not her. dealing with the loss of my dad, his own choice not mine, is most difficult. i expect he will come around eventually. i unfortunately cannot seem to be th starfish. . slow, does not correctly describe my emergence. it has taken on an agenda, priority, and pace all its own. i am very comfortable with being able to be myself for the first time in my life and believe me, i am trying to slow things down a bit. actually im very patient and clear. uch more so than ever before. i was just unable to hold back the flood. i needed to get out, be myself and then let the ashes settle where they may. not quite what i would have chosen, but effective nonetheless. actually i do have some very supportive fam members, just not mom and dad. thats ok, they have to deal with this in their own way and at their own pace. i have been labeled insensitive and selfish, but that couldnt be farther from the truth. i just had to be selfish in a way to help myself.

youre right, easier to ask forgiveness than get permission. actually im not looking for forgiveness. ive done nothing wrong. except by trying to be something other than what i am for all my life. actually, they should ask forgiveness for forcing me to be what they thought, and told me i was. i know that is very bold. sorry, im a leo. ultimately, it was i who self decieved. not them. they really thought i was aboy. love can see what the eye cannot, and one can listen and not hear. i have forgiven myself for the misery that i have brought on myself by self deception. we shall see if they can look within their hearts, within their very souls as i have done. i have faith. i pray for their suffering to end as mine finally has. but that is their choice to make.

i have made mine. Truth. sometimes much harder to swallow than a lie, but ever so much more rewarding.

sorry, ive done it again. i really dunno how to condense and paraphrase my thoughts..

thanks again to all. i hope my experience helps others as others experiences have immensely helped me.

hugs, Eliza D

[Drea]

I agree Becky.

Too often people look for immediate results, turn to demanding and instance on acceptance if it isn't obtained in days, weeks or even a couple months.

It can be as simple as changing the type of underwear we wear, the style of shoes and slacks. Growing out our hair, getting our ears pierced. There are many things now that used to be the domain exclusively of females, that is now accepted as male behavior as well. So, do it. Don't push people into things, let them simply be exposed to it gently and gradually. Let them get used to things over time. Be consistent, but you don't have to get in people's faces.

I know many who have done this very successfully and gotten to where they want to go without pushing those away from them.

I would also add that it in addition to not thinking of it as some fetish, it is important to not act like it is one. If one makes clothes the issue, others will see it about the clothes rather than identiy.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I agree with Drea.....

Going too fast tends to push people away......

Unfortunately, upon acceptance of ourselves, many of us take off like a rocket.....and that's not a good way to handle it...

Dee Jay

[Guest Gwendolyn Elizabeth]

Being a bit silly here, but I overcame opposition to transitioning by simply doing it anyway. To modify the old adage "It's easier to seek forgiveness, than to get permission." - "It's easier to explain later, than to ask for acceptance beforehand."

This is pretty much what I have been doing. Even though i currently live with my parents, i do now ask them if i should do something, instead i tell them after i have already done it. As much as our families might love us they cannot make us like being the way we were born. Both the power and responsibily for making my life one im happy with lies with me

[Guest eliza.d]

yep, i took off like a rocket. couldnt really help it. kinda just happened. not sure if my fam would accept by either route. guess ill never know now. at least ive said all i need to to them. now i can relax. whehw. at least they know where i stand, and i of corse know where they stand........ in an angry mob of torch bearing maniacs.lol!

just kidding. but really, its not far from the truth.

oh well,

Eliza

[Guest Mia J]

Thanks Becky, That is a good analogy.

Mia

[Guest Leah1026]

"How to Overcome Opposition to Your Transition By Others"

I suggest you don't even try. My experience with my family is they don't want to listen or learn period. So at some point trying to do so is a waste of time, you're beating your head against the wall. And for what? It's been over 8 years and most of my family hasn't changed at all. I got off the treadmill of caring what they thought a long time ago; I had to for my own health. When my mother died last year I was there with everyone else she passed, at the wake and the funeral. I had basically no interaction with anyone most of the time. But when I did I was accused of "forcing" this thing on them! Hello! Wake-up people, I'm not going to change to make you @ssholes happy. In a way I'm actually looking forward to when my Dad passes because after that I won't have to see any of those people ever again.

I know everyone wants to hear a happy, cheerful story; but that's not been my experience. And I'm not alone; lots of others have been through the same. As far as I'm concerned part of transition is breaking that cycle of living for others. Those people are trying to stop you from reaching your potential. Just because they want to live like ostriches with their heads stuck in the groun doesn't mean I have to kowtow to them. I think a better course is to pursue my dreams and be a success. Maybe they'll come around some day, but I doubt it. They have no motivation to learn and, even if they did, they would be to proud to admit they are wrong. That's a fatal combination. The one saving grace is I have one brother in Florida who does get it. He's gay and has had friends who were trans. My family tolerates him and his partner; they don't tolerate me.

[Guest eliza.d]

hi leah, thanks for imparting your experience into this topic. i think we all can agree that truth is better than a lie, or what we want to hear. my experience has largely been like yours, although its been a recent developement by coming out to everyone and ive just begun the transition and the healing process from years of self deception. we have to take our lives back. like you said, our families will come around or not on their own volition and in their own time. my mom has lived her entire life like an ostrich, facing nothing, ignoring everything, and blaming everyone else for it. eventhough she is my biological mother, i am no coward as she is. my dad, despite having a big heart, is as stubborn and nieve as they come. he has lived a sheltered existence....i wouldnt call it living. but i am not stubborn, not nieve, and certainly not an ostrich. for the first time in my life i am beginning to feel normal and naturally everyone in my fam is now saying im abnormal. to the contrary, i felt abnormal for 33 years, and everyone would have said i was normal then. perspective is everything.

truth is the answer,

know thyself, and to thy ownself be true...... no matter what everyone else says.

Eliza

[Guest Krisina]

Becky. I really liked your post.

Since it's past my bedtime (again) past midnight I will "try" to keep this short.

Yes! It's considered a medical condition. People should still be supportive of us just like others when we get help with a gender therapist, hrt, or go full time etc.

I love your descriptions in this post. I loved the description too about the starfish and clam too.

Small changes I totally relate to, underwear, socks, ears pierced, slightly longer fingernails not over done. Girls pajamas at bedtime. Getting out as yourself when the tiring part of life doesn't get in the way. I'm exhausted somedays and I just stay home as a homebody.

In regular life be persist and dependable, reliable, someone who you can laugh with. Be trustworthy and nice too. Good traits to have. Good traits too if you later go full time.

For some those changes in appearance might be enough to make life livable and free to be themselves. Others may want more laser, electrolysis, hrt, etc and maybe go full time, depending of course on life circumstances.

Krisina

[Guest BeckyTG]

Leah,

Unfortunately, you are too right about that. I have told people who violently oppose what I'm doing (yes, there have been those) that maybe I didn't like the idea that they weren't in church every Sunday, perhaps the fact that they smoked cigarettes was offensive to me, as was their drinking and their language. I think that, to please me, they should stop those things immediately.

In addition, I will be performing an inspection of their home and removing things that offend me and placing things there that please me.....

There's no difference in what *I* ask of them than what they ask of me.

We need to be strong and we need to understand that this choice is ours to make and ours alone. No one else has to live our life of H*ll if we don't transition. They can live in ignorance if they choose to, it shouldn't affect me.

Great post.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest eliza.d]

thats a good point, our life is indeed h@ll, if we dont transition. suicide often results. which is a tragedy, that someone leaves this world by their own hand, when our condition is entirely treatable. there is hope.

so many of us have fallen victim to this h@ll we speak of. that is why we are all hefe on this forum, in this famy, standing together so that we may give our support and experience to others so they may not perish.

love and dedication as always,

Eliza D

[Guest JustShelly]

Becky

This post is one of the reasons I decided to log back onto this site.

I feel your posts are very therapeutic to read and if anyone needs therapeutic advice, its me!

The one thing many people from forums like these forget is that most people in general society do not know what transgendered means. Yes, if you live in San. Fran I'm sure most know.

Becky if I recall I think you are from the midwest, Nebraska to be exact. I am from WI and simular to NEB. most likely most do not have the faintest clue what transgendered means. I'm sure if I said Transsexual some may. Even though some may classify me as Transsexual I prefer to use the word Transgendered.

I love the analogy of the starfish. I do need to do this. I need to show people I am happy, I am the same person inside, I still am a parent (Father to my kids) I am and still can be a productive person in society. My children see and know this of me and I feel this is why they have accepted and adjusted to me me so well.

The problem I have is I am not able to express this or prove this to people every time I must explain myself to someone new. Sometimes I do have the time if it is required such as school, work, freinds and family. For most people that run into me I'm sure they think I am just a cross dresser accepted by "his" [sic] children. For some I fear (and know) I seem to have less morals and values then the general population.

I will not make this a spiritual discussion so therefore I will discount the so called "Christions". I do know some if not most of what I fear people think of me is what I assume. The reason I do assume this,is for the fact people are ignorant to what transgendered is. Like most people, if they find out about me and want to know more they will probably Google it. What will come up. Will it be your post Becky? I'm sure it won't. What they will get perhaps is some people included in "this transgendered umbrella" That quite frankly aren't anything like me. I will not list the other "categories" since I am not against who they are. The problem is that some of these people in other categories do not have the morals and values that you or I may have.

This is true with any part or minority in society. Are all teenagers no good, because of a few bad apples? Are all black people guilty of a crime because thats who you see doing it on tv. Are woman weak and timid because of the ones that want to appear that way? Are senior citizens bad drivers? (well this one may be true) .Are all politicians liars? Some of these generalizations may seem to be true if you do not know many. I am generalized as what is seen and read online, what's on tv, what is read and what people have heard.

How do I keep trying to be that starfish, when all I think is that no matter what I say I will never be thought of as the same person I once was. I will not stand on top of a mountain and say I have more morals and values then most. I will say though, I hold high many morals and values. There may be some people that are better but I know there are many that aren't.

Thank you Becky for writing this post, It does help me to be stronger.

Shelly

[Guest BeckyTG]

Hi Shelly,

You pose an interesting question regarding explaining yourself to new people you meet. You point out all the different things people might think based on what they think they see.

I came up with an explanation for those who knew me before. I came out individually to every single customer of mine for over a year in my "coming out" process, to explain my change of appearance. This was something that I did during my first year of full time. After a year, I no longer explain anything to anyone.

I am Becky. It's nice to meet you. The weather is certainly nice. How may I help you (assuming we have a business relationship).

I no longer feel compelled to explain anything to anyone. If they knew me before as (him), then I may be the "new girl". I am a woman.

I think this matters---I dress very nicely at work every single day, even on "casual Fridays". My outfits coordinate, my clothes are clean and pressed, my nails look nice, my makeup is done well and my shoes are shined, if appropriate. In short, I project an image of pride in myself. This infers pride in my work. I am confident in myself, my abilities and my identity.

There are no days where I may look "in-between" male and female or my clothing shows a regression to male. I am a proud female and I look like it. There is no projection of doubt regarding my gender. I have identification showing my name and my gender.

If people are going to judge me based on a group they choose to put me into, I cannot control that, therefore I can't worry about that. I have to project an image of honesty, fairness, caring and competency in order to do business with them. It doesn't take long for those signals to get through to people. THAT is what they're looking for. They don't care about gender, they really and truly don't.

I have literally had many hundreds of people react to my coming out by telling me quickly that they come to me because I do a great job for them and they really don't care if I paint myself green, as long as I continue to do a great job.

There's nothing to discover, there's nothing to tell, there's nothing to discuss, there's nothing (for me or for you) to fear.

Some people seem to have trouble with this transition stuff because they regress to male behavior at times. Such as, you feel you've been "read", so you either react with fear and try to escape or you react with hostility (the "fight or flight" reaction). All this does is validate their suspicion that you look different and may not be what you're trying to present as. We've all had times when we saw a person whose gender wasn't obvious and thought to ourselves, "is that a man or a woman?". Ultimately, what does it matter to me? Certainly not enough for me to confront them.

If this is an issue, then stop reacting. Expect you'll get sir'd once in a while. People get tired, they make mistakes, especially if they deal with people all day and we're not projecting a strong image. So what? Big Deal. Life goes on.

Some people have trouble with this transition because they fail to make a final step to be who they believe they should be. They waffle on the final step of simply declaring that they are female and being firm about it. Well, either be happy with how your present or figure out how to alter the way you present.

This is something that many of us will have to deal with as we travel the road of transition. I have walked this path and had to do it. It's only as difficult as we make it.

I hope there are readers who find this helpful.

Hugs and welcome back, Shelly.

Becky

[Guest Svenna]

Becky,

Lovely stuff. Thanks!

Love, Svenna

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

JustShelly:

Three things:

First, I whole-heartedly agree with you that BeckyTG's posts are inspiration, informative and inspiring. She has a unique gift for making such posts and has kindly stayed with us for exactly that reason. She's "paying it forward" to less experienced people like you and me. She deserves our respect and admiration. She gives great advice, I agree.

Second, many of us share your concerns about how we're perceived. Becky address this issue too and most capably. I'm presuming you have rather good means, so you may want to buy a dozen or so copies of this book to give to people you really want to explain yourself to. Notice the full title of the book:

http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism---Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324880777&sr=1-1

Third, those of us who apparently waffle at the last step in transitioning have less-than-ideal circumstances precluding our making a smooth-as-silk transition. Notice that I'm now over 2 years into hormone replacement therapy. However, I've had financial commitments preventing me from doing my legal name change yet and from doing any beard-removal yet. Finally, in my youth, I was a professional radio announcer (DJ) for 20+ years. Guess why I had that job? You've got it: The Voice. It is NOT easy to sound feminine with a natural deep, rich baritone voice, believe me.

Some of our more affleunt members tend to forget that others of us are not so fortunate and, indeed, may inwardly believe we deserve our circumstances. Not so.

Imagine you're 2 years into hormones and all femmed up and every time you buy something, your GUY NAME pops up on the cashier's register display.

Imagine you're 2 years into hormones and all femmed up and every time you apply make up, you have to "work miracles" to cover a 5:00 o'clock shadow even though you've shaved closely beforehand.

Imagine you're 2 years into hormones and all femmed up and every time you say something you have to strain mightily to sound even remotely feminine.

That's "The Rest of the Story" for those of us who waffle at the finish line. Mitigating circumstances which are immense, you see.

Conclusion:

If you want to, you CAN transition in the U.S. Midwest. Many, many transwomen have, and so can you. Becky's right about focus and determination. My best to you.

Merry Christmas Lacey Lynne