5 stages of self-acceptance

[Guest KimberlyF]

I think the same rules that apply to grief can be applied to us (and our spouses if we have them) since to accept ourselves many are accepting something that we'd really rather not if given the choice.

Just like in grieving any loss, the path isn't necessary linear and we can go forwards and back.

Denial was a huge stage for me. For some, it can take decades to even begin to accept somethings that we know in our core. And we can emerge only to purge and go back into our shells. I knew I was TS at 15. I knew the name and everything over 25 years ago. But I didn't have to do anything about it. I was freakin' happy.

Anger & Depression are different emotional ways to dance around the same thing. Instead of dealing with the issue, we either get angry with everyone and everything around us because of the unfairness of it all, or figure what's the point since everything is stacked up against us anyway, right?

Bargaining is the one I find most interesting. Dear God, if I wake up as a girl, I will eat all of my veggies. Dear Satan, God is out of the picture...same offer. Dear God, you know I was just kidding, right?

I think this continues within ourselves at times and works well within the current SOC. I think in some cases when someone says I can dress on the weekends, or I can take HRT for 6 months to get minor changes or can I go full time without HRT or have surgery without going fulltime or whatever, that sometimes there is bargaining going on. I can do this right now, but I can't do that.

In my life, I was always honest with my doctors after I started this last push. I told my GP I want HRT. I said I want to set a 6 month plan and then reevaluate. If I had gone in there and said I'm going to start these pills and never stop, I don't know if I would have taken the first one.

We sometimes lie to ourselves to take the baby steps, but we know our goal.

Acceptance. This isn't the same as being happy with me being happy with being TS. But I know what I am. I know there is nothing wrong with being TS. Crying about the unfairness is pointless. Do I deal with it, or not?

[VickySGV]

Transition and being transgendered do indeed have elements of the grief resolution progression. I have also applied a 4 step Change Management model to it.

Those steps in applying needed changes are"

Denial -- (same as above)-- denial that change is needed or will be beneficial. "What the blinkety blue blazes did we do wrong to deserve this??" "You don't seem to be sick to me, just confused just now."

Resistance -- "You can get over this if you think good thoughts." "I can't do this, it will hurt too many people in my life." "What you need is to take up more <manly><feminine> activities, " "You will never look like a <man> <woman> no matter how hard you tru.

Exploration -- "Look, you can CD on the weekends!!" "Ok, you can go to support meetings and I'll go out with my sister." "I can make all the TG conventions this summer!!"

Commitment -- "We can go to couples/family therapy and learn about this." "It will be unusual for a while, but we love each other too much to quit." "If surgery is what you need it will be done."

These steps too can accelerate or go in reverse sometimes, but I see this model too in our lives.

[Carolyn Marie]

Good stuff, both of you. I've sure seen many examples of the five stages on these forums.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Kyla666]

.... Well i got to say i had all the stages that Kimberly stated

[Carolyn Marie]

Actually, I would like to add a stage. It's an important one and not to be left out.

The "Happy With the Way Things Turned Out" stage.

I'm in that stage now. I happen to like it. A lot.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest otter-girl]

Im definetly at the bargaining/exploration phase. Lord knows where it will end up but acceptance is a goal.

Rachel

[Michelle 2010]

Thoughtful topic, I like it.

I think in some cases when someone says I can dress on the weekends, or I can take HRT for 6 months to get minor changes or can I go full time without HRT or have surgery without going fulltime or whatever, that sometimes there is bargaining going on. I can do this right now, but I can't do that.

I might call this seeking balance, which I suppose could be called a form of bargaining, though I'm not sure with whom... I have utmost admiration for those my age who are committed to HRT and SRS and plan to see it through. The quest for me, as probably for all, is whether i can maintain a satisfactory emotional and spiritual life without going down that road. For many the answer is very obvious. For me, HRT has attraction but since it can't correct voice or eliminate facial hair, I prefer not to put substances in what is a surprisingly healthy body. So bargaining or balance seeking continues... One thing i know for sure is that I would live 90% of my life presenting female if the opportunity was available. Luckily I am not hirsute nor balding so am fairly comfortable with body image though a few obvious feminine characteristics would be nice

Regarding self acceptance...A two year journey has pretty much wiped out a lifetime of shame and embarrassment, so thats very nice.

Michelle

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Kimberly:

Most EXCELLENT topic, girl! Kudos for posting it. This REALLY rocks.

Also, many of us old-timers on this site really love the new people and ideas they bring to Laura's Playground. What can I say? Just this: Everyting all of you say above rings true. Thoughtful stuff, indeed. Finally, it's SOOO cool that many people on here are smart, articulate and understanding. Ahhh ... what a joy to behold. Gotta love it!

With me, this whole thing is like The Tractor Beam on the original Star Trek television show in the 1960s. Once I acknowledged it, it's been pulling me along moreorless willy-nilly and relentlessly so. Can't stop. Don't want to stop. Where will this all go? God only knows. However, count me in. Amongst us older transitioners, it seems to me that those who do the best have ample means, smart colleagues and intact support structures. They are blessed, believe me.

Peace Lacey

[Guest]

Hi Kim,

I think I made it quickly from denial to acceptance, hopefully skipping a step or two won't come to haunt me?

But, I have watched this progression occur for my soulmate and her journey alongside me. She's getting to acceptance now, but it hasn't been easy. And as Lacey pointed out, it took a good support system to help her through a most difficult time of her life.

As her therapist said, we don't go neatly from one to the the next, but instead, sometimes are experiencing parts of various phases - ie, denial mixed with depression and bargaining, glimmers of acceptance but not on solid ground - but eventually all settles out...

I was just chatting with a friend a few moments ago. And we were both in agreement that transition gets to be a joy after a while. The joy of discovery, of growing, of peace. I think that's what Carolyn is talking about - phase 6 - it's a good place to be.

Thank you, Kim

Love, Megan

[Guest Donna Jean]

Anger & Depression are different emotional ways to dance around the same thing. Instead of dealing with the issue, we either get angry with everyone and everything around us because of the unfairness of it all, or figure what's the point since everything is stacked up against us anyway, right?

Bargaining is the one I find most interesting. Dear God, if I wake up as a girl, I will eat all of my veggies. Dear Satan, God is out of the picture...same offer. Dear God, you know I was just kidding, right

I went through the anger / depression /bargaining stages pretty early in life......

I tried to kill myself slowly and also quickly.....

Actually, I would like to add a stage. It's an important one and not to be left out.

The "Happy With the Way Things Turned Out" stage.

Carolyn Marie

Now, I'm also at this stage.......and dang glad of it!

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Charlize]

What great stuff. I am seemingly bouncing between stages like a pinball now. Sometimes accepting exploration, sometimes depression, resistance, but more and more a commitment to working out a search for the "happy the way things turned out stage". Denial is gone. I've been burning the bridges of hiding. Coming out to more and more people. That gives me a kick in the bottom to keep working. It is work and it hurts sometimes, maybe always don't know yet.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest heatherf]

Ever since I told my wife 4 months ago, I've been aware that my wife needed to go through the 5 stages of grief and I've been helping her go through them. Until reading this post, I never realized I was doing the same thing. Like Charlie said, I feel like I'm pinballing among the stages.

[Cyndee]

Bargaining still going on with me, with many mouths to feed, I look beyond just myself, and try and keep an eye to the bigger picture.

Denial, anger, depression squashed

Acceptance of my self no issue.

It's what time and god allows to happen going forward, making the most of everyday, no regrets.

C -