Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Abrupt, intense week of wishing I was a girl


Guest Jo-I-Dunno

Recommended Posts

Guest Jo-I-Dunno

Most of the time I'm totally okay with and even proud of who I am and how I look. But this past week I was filled with sadness and rage about not being biologically female. I started making checklists of procedures and surgeries I would need, but then I'd look at myself in the mirror and focus on all the things which can never change: my height, the width of my ribcage, my hand size...

I've been watching the show Boardwalk Empire and there's a solid amount of female nudity in it. A couple times when I'd see a pretty girl who's just comfortable in her own body, it made me slam my fists down.

Now I'm looking in the mirror again and going, "oh yeah, I'm a really cute guy..." and I'm happy with myself and where I'm going.

Stupid imbalanced brain chemicals making me discontent!

Link to comment
  • Admin

Jo, I know this may sound harsh, but those things you mentioned are superficial, and really count for little. How many natal women have perfect bodies? How many actresses have bodies like nine tenths of the rest of female humanity? Does not having a perfect body make you less female? I don't think so, and neither should you.

None of us, not a single one, either FtM or MtF, will ever have the body we want. We will always be missing something, or be trying to rid ourselves of something unwanted. That should not determine our happiness, Jo. You should not let it make you feel less of a woman. Who you are is determined most by what is inside your head. Trust me on this, hon. I've been full time now for 18 months, my body shape is nowhere near what it ought to be, I wear a wig when out of the house, and my face is anything but lovely. Yet, I am satisfied, for the most part. More importantly, I am happy. I get treated as a woman, and have never had a problem.

There are things we can change, and things we can't. That is the same with everyone, natal or trans. You're going to do fine, Jo. I know you will.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest Lacey Lynne -  Free Spirit

Ditto that here, Jo!

Carolyn Marie has got that right! Of course, she usually does! Believe her, honey!

Besides, you're rocking androgyny with style and grace and, best of all, with individuality! However, if you DO decide to go further toward the female side, well, we have no choice but to hail you with hearty praise and lavish approbation! Whatever you decide, we're with you!

Oh, about the nude girls: How many times have I blathered about the clothing-optional resorts and life-style on these forums? Well, you got a taste of what I've been talking about! Ain't it GRAND?!? Friggin' A, baby!

Peace & Joy :friends: Lacey Lynne

Link to comment

Something very similar happened to me. Thought identifying as an androgyne was enough, never considered myself male or androgynous male, or any such thing. Androgyne was my noun, not adjective. . . it wasn't a description of what kind of boy or girl I was, it simple was what I identified as. Thought that was all I needed. Then I went through a short period of time dealing with intense depression and despair. Realized it was because I wasn't a cis woman.

The despair has passed, but it made me realize that I was still denying myself a truth - perhaps I'm an androgynous girl. . .

And so what if I am? It's self discovery. The process is harsh, but the results are completely worth it.

So what does it mean for you? Maybe your gender is a bit fluid? Perhaps sometimes being a "cute guy" isn't what your natural inclinations are leading you to. Maybe sometimes you need to be a hansome girl? Maybe. . . these are discoveried for you to make, but I would offer that those feelings were not simply a passing phase or a moment of insecurity. I would look at it as an internal subconscious voice trying to catch your attention.

As always, it's on you to figure out exactly what it is, and I hope you the best.

Link to comment
Guest Jo-I-Dunno

Thanks for the positive thoughts, friends.

Carolyn Marie, thanks for the effort, but I thought I should let you know your words are of no solace to me. You assume I long for a female identity. I don't. I really don't care whether or not people see me as male, female, both, or neither, so long as I'm not treated with disrespect. You say physical appearance is superficial, but for me, that's all there is to my gender issues. I'm exceptionally happy with who I am in all other respects. For me to minimize the significance of my one real, unobtained desire in life sounds more unhealthy than simply enduring the occasional sharp pain in brings.

Lacey Lynne, thanks. I always get a genuine sense of admiration out of you. It's good to feel admired :D.

Micha, interesting thought. I'm usually inclined to believe that human brains are complex beasts with patterns but no underlying "truth"; at least none simple enough for us to properly comprehend. As such, the only way I can define identity is who I am at any given moment (which is the opposite of how many psychologists define it). Last week it would have been easy for me to say I was born with the wrong body. Today, that's simply not true, "Fluid" is the only way to describe it overall, but that's like saying "the only thing that's consistent is inconsistency", an unnecessary distinction in my opinion. I don't think it was any deeper self showing through. It's simply who I was at that time. If anything, it gives me more reason to feminize my body.

Link to comment
Guest Annabelle Anders

Wow, i've been having a similar week.

I just gotta say this. I get where you are coming from Jo when you talk about seeing beautiful women, (to reiterate your point: women comfortable in their skin).

Even cis women will look at them and then feel bad about themselves. Its not smart at all and in the grand scheme means little about who we are as people. Yet to us, or to me at least, it goes quickly from "why can't I look like her?" To "oh, yeah you're a dude." Sometimes the natural self esteem testers can send you into a spiral.

I don't haveany advice since im spinning a little bit myself (hence my absence). So I wish you peace of mind.

ALWAYS,

Annabelle

Link to comment
  • 8 months later...
  • Forum Moderator

Perhaps re-iterating a lot of the above (very good comments)

I must say a lot of the time my mind jumps from male to female and back on a varying timescale. I can understand the way you feel - I usually have no issues with feeling female - it is a state of mind and I just drop into it without thinking sometimes even to the extent of forgetting I am male. My main problem is looks as I do not look particularly girlish although have made superficial changes. I am older so not so youthful looking either. I could quite easily wear anything female without being particularly self conscious but am limited by looks. People seem to have a threshold which if breached causes them to stop in amazement or similar. Below they accept or are perhaps just slightly amused.

In essence my wish to be a girl would be to look more the part as I do feel and live it at times. At others it is good to be male so there has to be a happy medium. I have no intention to push for any change but it would be nice.

Tracy x

Link to comment
Guest Carla_Davis

Hi Jo,

I read your post and it was posted in Nov. 12, 2013.

How are you feeling today.

We are our own worst critics when it comes to our own looks.

Gender is what is between your ears, not what is between your legs.

Instead of looking at superficial appearance, concentrate on being happy mentally in whatever gender you are more comfortable with.

Female, both trans & cis, come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.

I hope that you can find your "Comfortable Self" soon.

Some are taller than me, have larger hands then me etc.

You appear to be young and possible living with your family.

I would definitely recommend seeing a Gender Therapist but that may not be possible.

Some FREE material that may help you are:

PFLAG Publication( Be Yourself Q &A for LGBT Youth)( PDF) http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594

I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What do I Do? (PDF)

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=3088298&page=1#.Ud8yuVXD_IU

These publications will help you better understand some of the feeling that you are going through.

I wish you a lifetime of Happiness in finding and being your True Self.

Hugs,

Carla

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 109 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • missyjo
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      769.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,058
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Aleksandria
    Newest Member
    Aleksandria
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Conner_Sent_By_Cyberlife
      Conner_Sent_By_Cyberlife
      (22 years old)
    2. CtN1p
      CtN1p
    3. heyim_finn
      heyim_finn
      (21 years old)
    4. Jayn
      Jayn
    5. joni_girl_1988
      joni_girl_1988
      (51 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      Good morning    woke up to some light rain this morning.  Maybe I should run out with a giant umbrella to cover the car.   Ha ha ha.     I’ve had really nice cars before but never something like this.     @KymmieL I hope you got to go on your ride. Back when I had my Harley we went out for a ride almost every weekend. We would head either SW down the Shenandoah Valley or Skyline Drive which danced along the tops of the Mountains or we would head west into West Virginia and just travel along until it was time to find our way home.   occasionally I wish I still had a bike but I usually quickly for get that. The only thing I ever wanted as a young person that I never had was a late 50s vette.      
    • April Marie
      I admit to wearing make-up. Actually, I'll admit to enjoying wearing make-up. For me, it's been part of learning about myself as a woman and finding a style and look that reflects my personality.    Sometimes, it will just be a bit of mascara and a touch of lipstick. But, most often I wear foundation with setting powder, gel eyeliner, mascara, a little blush on my cheek line and lipstick. I also use an eyebrow pencil to darken my brows a bit.  Infrequently, I will add some eye shadow.   Most of my make-up is from Mary Kay although my lipsticks or from various manufacturers and eyeliners are mostly Maybelline. My wife purchases most of her make-up from Mary Kay and so we order together from our local representative. Of course, I don't have much brand experience but I'm happy with the Mary Kay products and find myself transitioning almost entirely to their line of make-up.
    • KathyLauren
      I did early on, out of necessity.  Regardless of how close you shave, beard shadow shows through.  I just used a bit of foundation, setting powder and blush.    I didn't use much eye makeup.  I started out with a bit of eye liner, but I thought it gave me a "trying too hard" look.  So I mostly didn't use any.   With covid and masking, I stopped using makeup altogether.  Why bother when no one can see your face and the mask smears the makeup anyway?   When restrictions were lifted, I didn't go back to wearing makeup.  My face feminized quite nicely over the first few years of HRT.  I'll never be pretty, but I look more female than male.  (Or I like to tell myself that anyway.)  With several years of electrolysis, and with what facial hair remains turning white, I don't have much beard shadow, so there is nothing to cover up.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Do you use make-up? If so, why and what  types?
    • Heather Shay
      Pride is primarily about yourself, even when it is not you who did something that you are proud about. You can also be proud of something someone else did, who you associate with, such as your children or your favorite football team. People can feel proud of their culture, their family name, or their appearance, none of which require them to actively contribute to the praiseworthy thing1. However, the opinions of others are of crucial importance, as best demonstrated when you purposefully do something that other people praise. Pride is a social emotion, and to feel proud, you need other people’s (real or imagined) confirmation that you have a reason to feel that way. Because of this, other people can also ‘be in your head’ and prevent you from feeling pride. Namely, what is praiseworthy is subjective. Things that may be considered good in a certain (cultural) group may not be praiseworthy in another (e.g., if you grew up in a family that greatly values academics, your athletic abilities may not evoke much praise). Moreover, what is praiseworthy is relative (e.g., if you are a good runner in an athletically average school, you may regularly feel proud about your times; but if you move to a school with highly competent athletes, these same times may seem unremarkable to you). Thus, the more exclusive your quality is in your surroundings, the prouder you feel. Pride has recognizable features. Although its static facial expression (typically a smile or laugh) does not clearly distinguish it from other positive emotions, it typically results in a bodily posture, gestures, and behavior that are clearly recognizable: lifting your chin, looking people in the eye, walking confidently, or in extreme cases, raising arms above your head. In a way, you try to make yourself larger and more noticeable, as if to say: ‘look at me!’ You may also exhibit more perseverance in your activities2. People generally find it very pleasant to experience pride, as it elevates our feeling of social self-worth and status3. At the same time, many social groups, religions, and cultures (especially those that are highly collectivistic, such as the East Asian or African culture) believe that pride needs to be checked. Unchecked pride leads to arrogance and misplaced feelings of superiority (‘letting something get to your head’, ‘hubris comes before the fall’), and social groups typically do not tolerate members feeling like they are superior or deserve special treatment.  
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Thank you @missyjo! You do wonders for my ego.   It turns out that pastel colors were the "thing" at Kentucky Derby Day so my dress was perfect. I went with white 5" heeled sandals and a wide-brimmed fuscia hat. Dinner and Mint Juleps added to the fun of watching the (recorded) festivities and races.   Perhaps, we'll repeat it for the Preakness in 2 weeks.   Right now it's just blue striped sleep shorts with pink flowers, a pink t-shirt and flip flops. I can't tell you how much wearing  sleep-rated breast forms at night has done to quell my dysphoria. 
    • April Marie
      I can still rock 5" heels.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!   My wife and I had our yearly Kentucky Derby Day evening. Dresses, heels, hats, Mint Juleps and a light dinner while watching the festivities and races. Relaxing and fun. I think we'll do the same for the Preakness in two weeks.   It's rainy and cool here today so it's pretty much going to keep me indoors. Ahh, well. A day of rest.   Enjoy and be safe!!
    • Ladypcnj
      Thanks Sally Stone
    • KymmieL
      Thanks, Mindy. It has been so far. Tomorrow, work some more on the wife's grand monkey. Got the right side of the hood primed, just need to do a little more work on the left then I can prime it. Then a 600grit wet sand.   I promised the wife we would take out the bike this weekend.   Kymmie
    • JessicaMW
      During my last visit with my psychologist (who has agreed to provide required letters of recommendation along with a colleague to provide the second) we discussed the shift towards my wife's acceptance. It was a long discussion but one point I mentioned was how much the two of us sitting down and watching this documentary helped:  The Kings | A transgender love story (2017)
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...