Names: How Much of a Problem is This?

[Guest LauraJen]

I have posted on this subject a few times now and it is now showing itself again. I was talking about this to a friend on Skype when it casually came up. I asked him (a trans man) the question:

Is it a bad thing if there is someone with my name in the family?

His response was that it is potentially awkward but if it is the name I am drawn to then I should go with it and deal with it when the time comes. It has very much divided opinions - some people have said it's a bad thing, others have said that the person should be flattered that I picked such a nice name, or words to that effect. This person isn't like a sister or anything *that* close, but I would say that the person is neither close nor distant.

I guess the reason why this has come up again is because now, with my education officially over, it is time to seek complete independence and start transitioning (again, the first time was a disaster). The time when I will be presenting myself "in role" suddenly seems much closer than it ever has done. That obviously involves Real Life Experience, which will in turn involve using a new name.

Me transitioning will, of course, make a lot of family members uncomfortable and I am starting to realise that my name choice might actually be unusable as this is probably actually morally questionable. I remember when I first came out to dad and when I eventually told him my then name choice (as this was several years ago and since then I have experimented with others, it was early days) he said with some concern "You do know that there is already a Laura in the family, don't you?". This conversation didn't really go any further. Maybe it should have done.

The trouble is I like this name a lot so a change will be hard. It is further complicated by certain items I have, including a farewell card that people at my local trans group wrote in when I had to leave it, a few other cards I have, and a teddy bear given to me as a gift by someone with Laura Bear on it, the paw of which is visible in my avatar as of May 27th, 2013. I don't really want to undermine these, or offend the people who gave them to me. Hence my backup plan is as follows:

1) Use Lauren instead of Laura for first name (which actually goes better with my last name anyway so I don't know why I didn't do this in the first place).

2) Use Jenna instead of Jennifer for middle name.

Then, Laura is a nickname formed from a contraction of the first and middle names, since Jenna has an a in it and Jennifer doesn't. That way Laura is still relevant and I can still informally go by Laura if I wish to. Plus, both names are alternative forms of the current ones so there is still a connection.

So what do people think? Have you ever had a similar predicament with your name choice? Am I right to be worried about this? Thanks for reading.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well, my first question would be how close in the family? Are we talking about a sibling? If its a sibling no thats a bad idea, if it's an aunt or a non immediate cousin then I would say that's fine.

There is a Sarah in my family but she is my Great Grandpa's Sister's Grand Child.. so she's not like my Dad's Brothers child or anything and it's not really a big deal, infact we've never really even discussed the fact that our names are the same. I would say its not really a problem unless your talking about like a sister, or someone more immediately related to you. Unless it's like your aunt or something then I think that's probably fine as well.

Sarah

[Guest Nicole Thrace]

LauraJen,

The name you choose will be YOUR name for the rest of YOUR life. If you want Laura, then go for it!!! If the name of your sister was Laura then I feel there would be a problem. Pick a name you want and are really happy with!!!!

Hugs,

Nicole

[Guest MichellePetite]

Hi Laura,

I was just closing down and signed off when your post caught my eye and my first thought was... what's the problem a rose by any other name and so on... then I started to read, and at first I was thinking mole hill, then finally the empathy button clicked on and yes I could see that such a thing as choice of name especially one that was in current use in one's immediate family, in this context especially, could become problematic. Having read the following posts by the girls, I have to concur with all of the above..... not much help so far but my 2 penn'orth would go a little like this...

You have chosen Laura as it is a beautiful name, the fact that another has it proves it! It does occur to me that one's choice of name is very important and the transition you are undergoing is just about the most momentous personal experience you have had since your birth. Obviously a process not undertaken lightly ergo your choice of name is significant and by inference the other bearer of the same name perhaps should feel a little flattered that she bears a name in which you place so much import. I know this can be construed as a little piece of sophistry but that don't necessarily make it untrue!

So Laura, this is why and how I can honestly say I agree with Sarah, Nicole and Megan in their answers. Your name says who you are and does not actually relate to anything or anyone else, the fact one has the same name is ..... just that, coincidence. Unless one chooses otherwise. but essentially the choice is yours don't be afraid, gosh the course you have chosen is not for the faint hearted so you must be a brave soul.

So courage mon brave! Laura it is then!

Empathy and support being beamed ... now!......................

LnK

Michelle is finally off to her bed!

[Guest Kylie2112]

I went with Kylie rather than a host of other potential "K" names to avoid that specific scenario. I was initially going to go with Kaitlyn, but I already have a cousin Katie, and I felt that was treading too closely.

[Guest LauraJen]

Thanks everyone.

I am going to be clear about the type of relationship involved as I have just found out what the relation is called, I am hopeless with this sort of thing - it is a cousin. A first cousin so quite closely related. I suppose there is a chance that this person could get married and her last name could change, but that is only a could.

I think there is merit with both options I have suggested and it might be worth bringing it up with dad some time later. Laura was one of the first names I identified with, although back then I didn't even know Lauren existed. How nice a name it is comes down to personal opinion - I have seen some people say that they think it is an ugly name, while they might like ones I really don't. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and names are no different.

I suppose what I am worried about is exactly as some people have said - a coincidence. No more so than sharing my name with the site's creator. I used to get asked no end on the chat if I owned the site which did get a little bit annoying! The posts here have swayed me to remain as I am, although personally I would rate both names equally highly anyway. I did say in the OP and somewhere else though, that it is easier to say Lauren with my last name than Laura as there is a bit of a jarring sound in the middle going with a name ending in a vowel, and I do intend to keep my last name. So yes, this is a tough one.

Thank you all again for your input. I will check back later in case anyone else has anything to add.

[Guest MichellePetite]

Hi Laura,

The danger is that one may over think this and meet one's self coming the other way! Essentially your choice of name is exactly that your choice. If others have a problem with that it is actually their problem. It occurs .... why would a first cousin have a problem with a relative of the same name? does a problem actually exist? If as it seems you are suffering a lot of angst over this, perhaps one should consider going to source and asking the pertinent questions ie I am..... I want to choose the name ...... as it is of import/significant/I just really like it/is a lovely name and one I have always liked/Long ago I was gifted a teddy bear with the name Laura bear embroidered on it's paw ever since I have loved the name/any or all of the above. It is the same as the one you have, I do not want to cause any upset to you in my choice, do you have a problem with my choice?

In the event that they do, one can then examine the possible reasons why...... it may have more to do with the life changes you are making to become at one with yourself, and less to do with the ... in this girl's opinion a little self centred .... wanting to be the only Laura in the family circle, and as such none of your concern.

Incidentally, the daughter of my favourite first cousin Angela named her first daughter Lauren and she is beautiful and smart and working towards University in order to go into one of the most thankless areas in life that of social work. So lass, I can say truthfully that the name Lauren has an excellent pedigree too!

Said with love and support.

LnK

Michelle

[Guest LauraJen]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks again for your post there. I have to say, when I made my response first thing this morning I don't think I paid enough attention due to the fact that, well, I had just woken up. People here have said that a first cousin, or an uncle's daughter, is too close a relation. It seems as if I am not the only one who has had this problem and people have chosen accordingly, for good reasons. I know I shouldn't make a decision solely on what other people say here, but all I asked is that people comment on the issue and that people point out the potential consequences of the decision, and you all have done. I have thought about this a lot today and have considered both people's posts here and my own feelings. I probably should have raised this more seriously before I became too well established but at least I have done so before I went as far as a legal name change or deed poll. As for talking to her, well I can safely say that it will be a fair while before that will happen.

As I see it right now, I have two choices:

Lauren Jenna "Laura" (insert last name, Laura is in quotes to show it being a nickname, as described in the OP)

Jenna Laura (insert last name)

It is a tough decision - I can see myself as both. There are people that go by their middle name instead, explaining the second option. I will come back once I have made my mind up. Fun times ahead....

[Guest LauraJen]

OK, this was a very hard decision to make, but think I have just made up my mind. I am going with the first one, Lauren Jenna (last_name). You get Laura from a contraction of the first and middle names. I will likely miss Laura being the *official* first name, but it's for the best. If I can't have it, I can at least have a form of it. I know that this might still be treading a bit too closely considering other people's experiences, but I think in my own opinion that I have made enough of a compromise and in spite of what I have said before, while similar, they are different names.

One thought that helped me decide was that if Laura was a potential candidate for my birth name if I was born female, then the issue would likely have come up straight away and they would either have picked Lauren instead or another one from their short list.

My display name is going to need changing but will ask a blue mod once I have decided. I know there is already a LaurenJ.

Thank you all once again for helping me arrive at this decision. It was actually one of the hardest ones I have ever had to make, I feel. I hope that members just starting out considering their own name choices learn something from this.

Lauren

[Guest S. Chrissie]

Glad that you finally made a decision!! Coming from a Chinese background, I guess it's kinda hard for me to understand the issue of having similar first name to a family member. But still, love the name you picked!!

[Guest Melissa~]

I have heard a complaint about my name, a 2nd cousin has the same name, I did not know that at the time of my choosing. It doesn't help that her mother(my cousin) is hostile to me. Obviously they are not close family with my lack of knowledge on her name. My response pretty much "bite me," Not my fault they came out of the woodwork to tell me I'm sick, and how dare I use their new to me teen daughters name..

[KathrynJulia]

Laura

Both of my parents are gone now. For all of my life, I carried my dad's name proudly and try to honor him as he was a good dad. My mother name was Kathryn Julia but always went by Kay and was known as Kay all her life. I always loved that name and now I honor her by taking her name as my own. I've received enthusiastic approval from my brother and sister. My sister was planning on naming her daughter Katy after my mom, but she gave birth to two boys, so never used it.

So for the rest of my life, I'll honor my mom and carry her name proudly as a female Jr I guess. I love both of my parents and by taking their names, I have a lot to live up to. I'll never dishonor either of them or ever give them cause to be ashamed of me. I made that promise to both my brother and my sister. KathrynJulia Jr

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hi Laura,

I think your decision to change your name to Lauren Jenna while making your nickname Laura is a prudent move on your part. Lauren Jenna as you have said are different names entirely so I think that anyone having heart burn over it should recognize that the issue is theirs not yours. Btw, Lauren Jenna are beautiful names.

Sophia

[Guest LauraJen]

Thank you Sophia :-) I am starting to really like this, though it will take a little while to get used to it fully, I think. I noticed you and Kathryn still called me Laura, which is great, that's the whole reason why I chose that particular combo (with my original name combo in consideration).

I also told dad of the change. He seemed to react positively and, although he said its my choice, he did seem relieved. I did wonder if I should tell him as it might have been something that was worrying him, particularly with the person being on his side of the family. I am 100% certain that I am doing the right thing here.

[Guest Strong]

I havent picked my name either. Its just not easy for me

[Guest LauraJen]

OK so it has been a couple of weeks and think I should probably reflect on this. While I ended up liking the modification to my potential first/middle name combination (I say modification because it wasn't really a complete change, I just chose different versions of the names already there), I still wouldn't change at all if I had the choice. It might be worth showing this thread to my dad as he was the one who said something in the first place and this person is on his side of the family, and see what he says as well.

I know some people choose a name because it is what they would have been called if born female (or male). I did ask my mum what I would have been - I won't reveal it here, but I actually dislike it to the point where part of me is glad I wasn't born female! I would have changed it the moment I turned 18. This is why I don't really consider whether or not my parents would have chosen a name as a reason for considering it - as I am over 18 I could have changed it to something else now anyway.

I think it is important for me to say that even now I am not 100% sure - I probably won't be until the day I legally and officially become "X". The reason why this is a hard decision to settle with, and why I took so long with the decision earlier in this thread, is because in my own personal shortlist there isn't really much between the names in terms of preference. This goes beyond simply liking them - actually feeling some degree of identification with them. There are eight of them, and in no particular order, this list is:

Laura (Obviously. If not my first name then it will still be at least a middle, or one of two middles as some people have two, and will still use as previously discussed.)

Emma

Jenna (A name I originally "invented", before realising it is an actual name already.)

Lily (I know my mum likes this and it is one of three things I would have been called but was not her first choice, although I said that that was irrelevant, but irrespective of her, I do like it. Quite a lot, actually.)

Sarah

Lauren

Elise

Lara

Then there is my last name. How I hate my last name :-(. I won't reveal it, not just because it is against our rules, I wouldn't even if it was acceptable. But I will reveal that it begins with a strong vowel sound that makes a lot of names ending in vowels, particularly A, hard to say with it (although it's more to do with the phonetics than the actual spelling). This is more of a problem with female names than with male names. It's not necessarily a deal breaker, it is just annoying.

I know here that I am free to experiment, and will do so as I see fit. I will keep it to here though. I have been coming here a lot recently due to not having much real-life support anymore.

[Guest Alissia.C]

I really like the name Lily too! For me my name is going to be and is to some extent, Alissia J.B., the J and be are not names but letters representing my grandparents on both sides. Oddly enough, J is from one side of the family and B is from the other side. But Alissia just came to me naturally and felt completely right for me. Even though I still do not know what they would think about who I am becoming I still want to carry on their names in some way as they have been good to me when my parents have not been.

Alissia

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hi Lauren Jenna, I wish you well are you final decision!

Sophia

[Guest Jenny_W]

Well, isn't this an interesting conversation! My first and middle names are Jenny Lauren! I love both of these names and I am so glad that I got to choose them myself. I am changing my name legally in 2 days. Best of luck in your decision,

Jenny

[Guest LauraJen]

Well, isn't this an interesting conversation! My first and middle names are Jenny Lauren! I love both of these names and I am so glad that I got to choose them myself. I am changing my name legally in 2 days. Best of luck in your decision,

Jenny

Thank you Jenny - almost the reverse of what I seem to have chosen at the moment. Just out of curiosity, is your name actually Jenny? I read on Behind the Name that Jenny can also be a name in itself derived as a nickname for Jane.

In addition, I was reading the name advice on TS Road Map and there was some serious food for thought there on last names. It said how, thanks to the internet, keeping your surname could pose a problem if you don't want people to track your past and if you want to go stealth. This was written in 2003 - ten years on from that social media are massive compared to then so it is even more of a problem now than it was when that article was written. This has swayed me towards changing that as well. So it looks like I will have to think about a last name too, yay :-/

This morning I did try saying the names Lily, Jennifer and Laura together in that order as if they precede a last name and quite liked that, but I think I will leave this issue for now. That can be another one in reserve. My choice will be in my signature from now on.

[Guest Jenny_W]

Laura,

Great choice on the name, by the way! I am keeping my surname - I am not worried about being 'tracked' as there are literally hundreds of people who already know I'm trans now (family, friends, colleagues). I don't think I'll ever bother with living stealth - just low key is fine for me. You get to a point in your life where you don't need to hide anymore - "Here I am - take me as you find me!"

Yes, my first name is Jenny - it's not short for anything like Jennifer.

Another thing about living stealth - if you truly want to live stealth, you may find yourself cutting yourself off from old friends and family. In my opinion, this is WAY too high a price to pay. I need my friends and family - they are my strength, not my undoing.

Jen

[Guest KarenLyn]

I have posted on this subject a few times now and it is now showing itself again. I was talking about this to a friend on Skype when it casually came up. I asked him (a trans man) the question:

several years ago and since then I have experimented with others, it was early days) he said with some concern "You do know that there is already a Laura in the family, don't you?". This conversation didn't really go any further. Maybe it should have done.

I came from a large family. If having a unique name was a requirement, I would never have been able to go on. I have two cousins with the same name. No one has complained. I think you should do what you feel is right for you.

Karen

[Guest LauraJen]

I have to say, although I said that I am liking this, I do miss Laura as being the actual name. I strongly believe that for everybody there is a certain name that will just perfectly fall into place, and for better or worse it does seem as if, for me, Laura is "the one". While I like others, and Lauren is a more modern version of the same thing, it does feel a bit like, shall we say, an oval peg in a round hole at times. I suppose the circumstances are just unfortunate, but then again, I suppose the family member that picked the name did get there first.

It doesn't help that I see the name written down in places, like in an on screen caption during a TV programme or something (for example, a news reporter's name popping up in the corner) and I think "Hey, that's my... oh wait, no it isn't... I really wish it was again". It doesn't happen with seeing the name of this site at the top in big pink letters though, although that is probably because I expect to see it when I come here, so it doesn't have the same effect.

I don't know, maybe I should just be selfish and carry on using it. I have been far too much of an altruist in my life anyway, it's why I am in such a bad place with my transition...

[Guest Alissia.C]

I can understand a bit of where you are coming from Laura, it can be difficult to live our lives for ourselves when we have lived for others for so long. I honestly believe that if you believe that is the name that is the perfect fit then have it be your name and let it be that simple. It doesn't matter that another family member has the same name as it is only a problem now and will most likely go away with time as people get used to it. You need to do what is best for you, as all of us do, and forget the problems that others have with us being us.

Alissia

[Guest LauraJen]

Thanks Alissia. I will only change it properly if I have to. Should that happen then I will refer back to this thread. If i do have to change it, it will be one of the names I have mentioned here.