An Amazing Update (aka Happiness)

[Guest Janice24]

Hello girls. I have great news (mostly). As the title implies, I'm slowly growing happier overall, especially when it comes to coming to terms with being transgender. Recent events have put me on cloud nine. If you're interested, then get comfortable because this is going to be a long one.

As I previously stated, I went out dressed for Halloween and had a great time. So much so that I decided to go out again yesterday as a girl. This, I felt, was an even more significant step than the Halloween one.

First off, to go out I needed a new outfit and had no time to shop online, meaning I had to go shopping in my home town for the first time in years (excluding Halloween). To make matters worse, my supportive friend was sick and could not help me, meaning I had to go at it alone. I knew my target (a Lane Bryant located inside the local mall) and had an idea of what I wanted (black dress), I just needed to work up the nerves to go in. Once I went in, however, I felt a calmness wash over me and rather than tell a little white lie as suggested by friends, I ended up being up front about my motivation. I told the saleswoman that I identified as transgender and was looking for a nice dress for that night.

The good news was that she was very friendly about showing me around and helping me. The bad news was, due to the seasonal change, their selection of dresses were slim, and black dresses specifically were almost non-existent. After looking around for a few minutes, another saleswoman came to my aid. Together we pieced together a beautiful 3-piece outfit (which you can see at the bottom of this post) and had a pleasant time conversing. I even got to try on the outfit in the store; something I never even thought possible!

After I finished shopping I went back to my friend's house so his mom could apply my makeup again. Then we went to our usual hang-out spot: the local gay bar (did I forget to mention my friend's gay?). Even though it's primarily a gay bar, it's pretty much the only LGBT haven in the whole county, so you see people from all walks of life (including plenty of straight/cis people) there.

Back on topic, not only was my new look a hit with the people I know there, but I met some of the other local girls for the first time. This is where things really took off, because it was with them that I felt the most connected. In all the times I've gone to this bar, especially when as a guy, I always felt more like my friend's shadow than anything else. I was always quiet and reserved and struggled to string more than three sentences together in a conversation. With them, though, time literally flew by as we talked and talked and talked. I can't remember a time where I've talked as much and enjoyed it.

Why am I saying all of this? Because I really feel like I'm starting to see life a little differently. I've heard a saying once that can be summarized as "once a coincidence, twice a pattern" and having a lot of fun twice in an environment that I usually feel uncomfortable in to me says a lot. Don't get me wrong, I am not suddenly saying "I'm enjoyed being a woman two times thus I should hurry up and transition" or something silly like that. I'm just feel more confidence than ever that this is real; that it's not just a fetish or a phase or whatever people like to tell me. I really am transgender, and dammit I'm proud of it!

However, I did say "mostly" in the first sentence for a reason. That reason is that as I enjoy going out as a woman more and more, it makes me question what do I really want and who I really am. I recently posted in the "What am I?" board that I was questioning my "label" and these last couple of weeks have only made those questions stronger. I wish I had a qualified GT to talk to about this, but I have neither the money nor the time to see one still. I really don't want to take a wrong step at this point, even for something so seemingly minor as a label.

Still, I'm happy.

Thank you for reading all of this.

*hugs*

(PS: What do you think about the new avatar?)

[Charlize]

I like the avatar dear. You look so happy in the image! Many including myself found ourselves questioning after finding we could be accepted as the other gender in a social situation. I'm glad you are not rushing into things. It is larger and more powerful than many understand at first. I am happy that you were able to be honest and go shopping without fear. That was so difficult for me at first. I don't think i ever asked for help.

The outfit looks cute. I wonder, just to be a pill, if you could have seen a GT of the cost? Please reach out and get some help from a professional even if you have to save a bit to do it. I remember how everything looked so good at the GLBT bar after a few drinks , hanging with the girls. I used to go on

" Ladies" night and would always get loaded. Fun but it sure never helped me get in touch with my gender issues. I'm just trying to stress that it might be time, since you are questioning, to go to a GT even if it seems time and resources are limited. In the meantime enjoy that new outfit.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

In the end, a therapist simply helps us decide. The advantage of a therapist is that they are trained to ask questions we may not have considered, and, if they have experience already with other trans folk, they may be aware of various bumps in the road we may encounter depending on what path we take.

At the moment, it doesn't sound like you feel a deep need to transition, so don't. Just continue cross dressing for now. As you are more honest with yourself, these feelings may change in various ways. You may become content cross dressing on some part-time basis or you may feel a need to go further.

But there's no need to make any such decision right now. You sound like you are in a good place, happy, and enjoying yourself so go with the flow at this point.

I would still urge you to find a GT somewhere, even online. While it can seem expensive, you can control the frequency of visits based on your budget, especially since you don't seem to be in a crisis situation thus far. Having that professional guide as you navigate this jungle can help so much.

Again, in the end, you will figure this out. Don't rush it, enjoy the successes thus far. If you are someone who needs to transition, this will become obvious in time and if not, life may be a lot easier as things are now.

[Guest DianeATL]

Congratulations - so much of what you posted rings true with my experience. The calmness when you are yourself, the positive experience with sales people helping you, the connection with other transgendered friends, and being happy being yourself.

As the others have said, we start by questioning and get answers usually with the help of a therapist who helps direct our questions and probe deeper. Many including mine will work on a sliding scale so lack of funds shouldn't preclude access. It's great having fun and I am doing a lot of that, but getting real about it is what makes the long term difference. I am happy for your experience and know you will find out more about yourself in the coming months.

Hugs,

Diane

[Guest]

Wow! Look at you! Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Jenny Lou]

Oh my, You look really good! its so much better to just tell the saleswomen up front your buying for yourself. I got to do it more often myself. When I do I like going back to the same store.

[Guest Jamie_cd]

Hey Janice, you look wonderful! I'm happy life is going well for you and hope that it continues to.

[Guest Janice24]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I hear your concerns about not seeing a Gender Therapist and spending money elsewhere. I guess I'm more concerned about long-term costs more than short-term ones (I already see a regular therapist, and that really adds up over time). The main concern is not only money and time (which I contend are still there) but what they'll say. I believe I mentioned elsewhere that the one appointment I had with a Gender Therapist basically started with them saying I wasn't transgender, which needless to say threw me for a loop. It's one of the many reasons why it was only recently that I felt comfortable calling myself that.

I know that LA has several therapists (I live about 60-90 minutes away) but I have to add that time driving to school and work. I don't know if any of them do online/skype therapy, nor how effective it would be vs face-to-face. I also don't know if one is better than another; I don't want a repeat of last time.

If there is one thing that may help it's today's small update. Today I came out to my mom finally after all this time. The reaction was more subdued than I was expecting, but I think dealing with my brother's homosexuality has taught her to cope better. She's more focused at the moment with me getting my homework done for tomorrow than discussing this issue. Still, I am hopeful that when things settle down a little she and I can brainstorm ways for me to see a qualified GT, one way or another.

I admit I am worried, though, if for no other reason than that there really isn't anybody she can talk to since I'm still closeted. I let her know everyone who knows, but those she knows best (family) are less accepting than others. I wonder if I should have waited longer.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

You look great and you had a fantastic time! I am very envious! Enjoy, and fly the flag for us all. And do not forget, you have friends here to talk to! But I never came out to family or anyone other than my wife. It is a terribly hard thing to do. I wish you all the very best.

Hugs,

Eve

[Guest Janice24]

Thanks Eve for the kind words. I know I'm blessed to have a supportive immediate family, no matter what their political and religious beliefs are. I don't plan on coming out to many, if any, more family members for a long time though (if ever).

Also I'd never forget about everyone here.

Two things happened this week. One was very bad, but I'll make another topic for that. The other was very good and happened after the bad (and in a large way because of it). I ended up talking about being transgender/a crossdresser with my siblings (that know) for the first time in years and ended up clearing up a lot of misconceptions. It turns out that, due to a large combination of things, I really sent the wrong message to them and basically ended up giving them the impression that I was, indeed, a fetishist. Now that we've cleared things up they not only are okay with me dressing up but actually some of my biggest supporters. They know that right now I am questioning where I am in the trans umbrella and that I have no current plans to transition, but they promise to be there for me no matter what I choose later in life. Probably the biggest moment was when my brother-in-law, who's a manly-man and someone I have high respect for, said he was proud of me. I admit the whole conversation had me tearing up a little.

The reason I felt this was relevant to this thread was because of my comment last post about worrying about my mom having nobody to talk to. Now that my oldest brother and sister are on board we both now have someone else who understands. There's still some complications, but that deals with the bad thing and is thus destined for another thread.

Also, to update on the Gender Therapist situation, I have two solid options currently. I have not talked to either of them, however, and am still a little strapped for cash with holidays (and one good friend's birthday) coming up. My oldest brother, who lived in LA, also suggests looking at some of the LGBT centers there since the only one in my county closed years ago.

[Guest Janice24]

Sorry for the double post, but now that I think about it I should clarify something. My older siblings never "rejected" me at all; that was my own misunderstanding. I believe that they were just confused and thought that I was confusing a fetish with something else. Rather than rejecting me, they were just... wanting to make sure I wasn't jumping to incorrect conclusions about myself I suppose. Even if it was a fetish they still loved me, they just would want to hear nothing about it of course.

I hope that makes sense...

[Guest Wendae]

Love the photo. Looking good girl!

[Guest Kati]

Thanks for sharing the photo and your experiences. You look amazing and so confident. Some day I hope to come with the courage to do what you have done. Congrats!

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Please do keep us updated!

xx

Eve