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Guest Captain Troy

Non Hate-crime Violence Sparking Major Anxiety

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And it triggered some major fears of hate crimes. I cant really describe it, but theres a few moments in my life that feel so real, but they can't be mine. Some of them are past, some are future, and some are impossible.

Impossible falls into making a deal with the devil for my father's life.

Past is a dream of a shadow of child abuse, being thrown against the floor in an event that may or may not have ever happened.

Future is a dark alley with a drunken stranger looming above, blood streaming from my face, getting beaten until I'm unconcious.

I'm thinking of all of these lately. They are all thoughts I have had before. Some of them don't matter, the impossible I know is unreal, and the past I am adept at averting my eyes. But the future, a memory so strong I cannot ignore it. A memory so strong I can feel it from twelve years in the past. It terrifies me that I am so certain that twelve years from now, at twenty-nine years old my life will end. And I'm so. very. scared.

All of this triggered by one boy with one fist clenched flying into my trachea.

I've mentioned it in therapy the other day. Not the part about the impossibilities. My dreams and feverish imaginings from youth were irrelevant, but I told her of the past I dont know is mine, and the future I have no logical way of explaining. And she told me that now I am safe, but I dont know of tomorrow, or the year after that.

I'm sorry to dump my fears on all of you, but I needed somewhere to share it.

Sometimes it feels like these memories don't belong to me at all.

" Run-tse duh shang-dee, ching dai-wuhtzo! Make them stop! They're everywhere! Every city, every- every house, every room— they're all inside me! I can hear them all and they're saying nothing! Get up! Please get up! Wuo-shang mayer, maysheen, byen shr-to Please, God, make me a stone...."

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Hello Troy,,,I imagine we all go through spells when there are fears weather they

be irrational or not and I"m in there too . Hun, you will shake em loose ,,your sub-

conscious will deal with em as time goes by ,,,probably resolved in dreams/night-

mares ,,,your gonna be cool Troy, no worries Hun,,,,luv,viv :)

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