Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Captain Troy

Non Hate-crime Violence Sparking Major Anxiety

Recommended Posts

Guest Captain Troy

And it triggered some major fears of hate crimes. I cant really describe it, but theres a few moments in my life that feel so real, but they can't be mine. Some of them are past, some are future, and some are impossible.

Impossible falls into making a deal with the devil for my father's life.

Past is a dream of a shadow of child abuse, being thrown against the floor in an event that may or may not have ever happened.

Future is a dark alley with a drunken stranger looming above, blood streaming from my face, getting beaten until I'm unconcious.

I'm thinking of all of these lately. They are all thoughts I have had before. Some of them don't matter, the impossible I know is unreal, and the past I am adept at averting my eyes. But the future, a memory so strong I cannot ignore it. A memory so strong I can feel it from twelve years in the past. It terrifies me that I am so certain that twelve years from now, at twenty-nine years old my life will end. And I'm so. very. scared.

All of this triggered by one boy with one fist clenched flying into my trachea.

I've mentioned it in therapy the other day. Not the part about the impossibilities. My dreams and feverish imaginings from youth were irrelevant, but I told her of the past I dont know is mine, and the future I have no logical way of explaining. And she told me that now I am safe, but I dont know of tomorrow, or the year after that.

I'm sorry to dump my fears on all of you, but I needed somewhere to share it.

Sometimes it feels like these memories don't belong to me at all.

" Run-tse duh shang-dee, ching dai-wuhtzo! Make them stop! They're everywhere! Every city, every- every house, every room— they're all inside me! I can hear them all and they're saying nothing! Get up! Please get up! Wuo-shang mayer, maysheen, byen shr-to Please, God, make me a stone...."

Share this post


Link to post
Guest viv

Hello Troy,,,I imagine we all go through spells when there are fears weather they

be irrational or not and I"m in there too . Hun, you will shake em loose ,,your sub-

conscious will deal with em as time goes by ,,,probably resolved in dreams/night-

mares ,,,your gonna be cool Troy, no worries Hun,,,,luv,viv :)

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 10 Guests (See full list)

    There are no registered users currently online

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      Sad to say, this is running about the same as it is here in the U.S. and may not be as bad in a couple of places, but still it is pretty bad overall.  Great Britain has about the same stats on H8ers, minus the KKK of course, but the Fundamentalist and Roman Catholic influences are used as the same excuses to just plain hate from what I have heard.
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/washington/articles/2018-01-19/senate-passes-conversion-ban-transgender-bullying-bills   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://inews.co.uk/news/uk/third-transgender-people-victim-hate-crime/   This is very troubling, but given the very negative press and public opinions, hardly surprising.  The question is, what, if anything, will be done about it?   Carolyn Marie
    • Charlize
      Seat belts are not required but highly advised.  Actually i took me time to feel much and even then changes were slow and subtle.  Enjoy your journey!   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Timber Wolf
      Oh my gosh, I love it! Like stepping into a bygone era!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • Charlize
      This is my other baby.  It's a "52 chevy 1 ton flatbed that we use mostly for farm markets.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Cbxshawn
      Congratulations, get ready for the ride and hold on. I started HRT about 14 months ago at 41. I have loved every minute of my journey thus far. I won't lie, it's a roller coaster. Good luck on your journey and do keep us posted.    Hugs    Shawnna 
    • Shiratori
      My GP finally received the confirmation from Daventry GIC to prescribe hormones for me. I'll be on leuprorelin injections to stop production of T and estradiol valerate tablets. Shame I have to wait until after the weekend for the pharmacy to get them in, but I've waited this long so a few more days don't matter too much. Looks like I'll be on HRT in time for my 46th birthday on Wednesday.
    • amanda is cute MK3
      I have 2010 CRV  i did drive for years my parents 3/4 ton gm van and then their 1 ton dodge van.  i do have a thing for military trucks  i like the M809 series and some of the large german and russian trucks  
    • TessaOKC
      Here we go again Carolyn!!! You throw meaningful articles out there that usually result in really good  debates, thank you !!!   I have read two books by Jen Boylan and she is as real as they get. I also like that she's from Maine !!   The listed article really hit home while reading a quote from Kristen Beck, “What you wear, what color you are, your religion, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity has no basis on whether you are a criminal or not.”  Yes indeed. I support Eric Snowden and the courage it took for him to expose unprecedented abuses of power by the United States. His motives were clear, his intentions were more than obvious. Perhaps I still need more understanding,  but I have yet to wrap my head around the motives and intentions of the information released by Chelsea Manning...??? All I do know is that there is a sea of negativism surrounding her  and now her unqualified run for public office.   I spend hours every week at the  VA hospital attending LGBT group meetings. The horrible comments and ridicule I see on a weekly basis toward our transgender Vets walking the halls is unmatched by what I have experienced in public. A good friend straightened me out on this. He says the VA is filled with  right wingers. Yes it appears this is true. Since this whole Chelsea Manning running for Senate thing started it has gotten even worse, trust me!   I have posted on this site previously  that I merely wish Manning could be grateful for being free and go live a quiet, happy  and public free life. Jen Boylan echos this. I oh- so- admire the piss and vinegar Manning has but she is in fact a convicted felon embodied in a sea of perceived public hatred.   Like the hateful Vets at the VA, I don't think we will ever change their minds about accepting trans humans. . Not in this lifetime. Say what you will but it is my true belief that we need positive examples. Though she's not my favorite but Kristen Beck is right up there. Retired Navy Seal that served with honor and distinction. The author of this article, Professor Jennifer Boylan is another. This list goes on and on, doctors, lawyers, politicians, successful entrepreneurs . I support Chelsea manning as a trans woman and human being. I do not support her for a  Senate run, and her public exposure merely adds fuel to the fire of hatred already directed toward innocent trans people like me and you ......   In the brutal world of public opinion there is a saying; "Its not what you are but what people think you are."  I love and deeply respect our transgender community. You will never find such courageous people as represented in the transgender world. We proudly serve in  every profession, military branch, labor force and service industries. We never ask for recognition or a pat on the back, all most of us want is to be allowed to live our authentic lives free of murder, rape and ridicule.  Is Manning helping that cause?? What is your opinion??   Sincerely,   Tess
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      64,705
    • Total Posts
      585,802
  • TransPulse Partners

×