I Have A Question For All Transmen

[Guest Michelle M]

Regarding transition, do any of you second guess yourself or think of backing out of transition? To me, most transmen seem to just 'go for it' and never look back. I second guess myself a lot. I double check my doors to make sure they are locked, even though I know I locked it. I take 6 minutes to decide on what flavor of coffee I want. The fear/doubt bug and my own inner critic bites me a lot considering transition. Maybe I have mild OCD, or it's just mood swings.

So I'm wondering if the feelings of second guessing myself, indecisiveness, fear, doubt are female in nature, and that's why I have them, or is it a common feeling among all trans people? I always have indecision on everything, even if it's coffee, so I guess transitioning is no different.

[Guest Sergei]

I think it's quite a female thing to be indecisive. I've always been quite a decisive person. I make decisions quickly, and stick to them. I'm a big believer in fate though, so I believe that what is meant to be, is meant to be, and that the decisions I make will all lead to the same place in the end. I do notice generally that women seem to be more indecisive than men though. So maybe that will help you to make your decision. Just go for it in life. The way I felt about changing my gender especially, was that even if I was making the wrong decision I couldn't possibly have ended up any unhappier than I was. Always follow your heart and do what you truely believe will lead you to the happiest life possible. xx

[Guest Drew]

yeah, i had alot of fear and uncertainty before i started transitioning. i do have mild OCD so that's probably why, but i was just really afraid that i would regret it later in life. once i started T though, all those thoughts went away, it just felt right and i've never been happier.

Drew

[Guest Sergei]

It's quite odd, but I have met a lot of transpeople with OCD. I also suffered with it when I was younger. It was all related to my house, and it was only after I moved away that I managed to start getting over it. Maybe we all develope it because we can't control our bodies, so we feel we have to control something else. Ironically it was only when I developed my problem with alcohol that I really got over the OCD for good. I was just always so drunk, that I just didn't care anymore. The OCD still comes back slightly when I visit my home on holidays. I have to be ultra aware not to let it take control of my life again like I did before I left.

[Guest Rika-chama]

I can never make decisions. I'm very very indecisive and it tends to annoy a lot of people The only thing I'm not indecisive about is transitioning

Ni-paa~

[Guest Ryles_D]

I'm completely undecisive and uncertain about things. I'll check my alarm 5 times to be sure it's set, almost every night. And if you ever want to get rid of me for a day, just tell me to choose between two things, I'll end up sitting there weighing the pros and cons for hours and never reach a conclusion.

Oddly, I'm currently 100% certain that I want to transition. I'm a bit scared how it'll work with college, my parents, financially, etc, but it just feels like the right choice. I haven't started transitioning yet, though, so I don't know how I'll feel while I'm actually in the middle of it.

Right now my biggest fear is that testosterone will do something that'll kill the creative part of my brain or make me sexual or something similar. It sounds like that's ridiculous (I haven't heard of T effecting creativity, and I can't believe anything'll make me sexual), so once I start T and see I'm being an idiot, I doubt I'll have any real concerns.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

I'm very indecisive about broad and generalistic options. Transitioning is not quite so broad, at least to me. As well, I see no possible bad side-effects from it, other than the physical ones, and as long as I can live through them I see no reason not to transition... emotionally, I was already so low before deciding to take control of my life that there was no possible way it could get any worse.

[Guest Michelle M]

I'm very indecisive about broad and generalistic options. Transitioning is not quite so broad, at least to me. As well, I see no possible bad side-effects from it, other than the physical ones, and as long as I can live through them I see no reason not to transition... emotionally, I was already so low before deciding to take control of my life that there was no possible way it could get any worse.

The being low part sounds really familiar. The exact thought in my mind when I began researching transsexualism and transition was:

"I hate my life and I want to die. I am happy to accept death as a destiny because nothing else is working for me. Well, maybe I will try being female first. I don't know if it's right or if it's wrong, but if I don't like being female, I can kill myself then. I was going to kill myself anyway, so it won't matter."

Well, it turns out I DO like 'being female'. It's because it's what I AM. It was the one thing that got me out of a 7 year rut of doing nothing with my life. I like thinking about my future now. Transitioning isn't even a choice for me anymore. It's just something I have to do. Suicide is now not even a remote thought of mine.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

I think transmen do have less doubt about transitioning, but it is more societal than anything. Being MtF is far more stigmatized because of our patriarchal society (why would anyone want to become a woman? is the general thought), so MtFs are more likely to feel like they of confused or crazy. I also think that when FtMs have doubt, we are far too arrogant to admit it.

Adrian

[Guest Ryles_D]

I think transmen do have less doubt about transitioning, but it is more societal than anything. Being MtF is far more stigmatized because of our patriarchal society (why would anyone want to become a woman? is the general thought), so MtFs are more likely to feel like they of confused or crazy. I also think that when FtMs have doubt, we are far too arrogant to admit it.

Adrian

That's true. How often have you heard "I heard she used to be a he!" on TV shows, etc? I've also seen plenty of comics where either the girl makes a joke about being post-op MtF to her boyfriend as if that was the worst thing that could possibly happen to him.

"I hate my life and I want to die. I am happy to accept death as a destiny because nothing else is working for me. Well, maybe I will try being female first. I don't know if it's right or if it's wrong, but if I don't like being female, I can kill myself then. I was going to kill myself anyway, so it won't matter."

You know, most people would say this is a terrible way to look at the world. But it's surprisingly freeing to have sunk so low that you're willing to try anything because, if it doesn't work out, you weren't exactly expecting to live long enough for it to seriously screw up your life.

Not that I'd suggest you kill yourself or anything, I've just found it's easier to make life-changing choices when thinking like that.

[Guest raydub]

indecisiveness.. i guess i tend to be indecisive about the things that dont matter much at the moment - ie. where are we going to have dinner, whether i should wear a white or black undershirt.. things like that.

ask me about transition however, and the VERY SAME night i lay 1/2 on my futon 1/2 on the floor with my fiance - crying my eyes out about being a guy "in my head" but not really understanding it all, i knew

1 - i would want to transition,

2 - i wanted to take hormones, and

3 - i wanted top surgery

any/all doubt ive had since that moment have been a feeble desire to "spare" someone else's feelings about my transition. im pretty much over that now. id have to be committed to an asylum if anyone was gonna try to force me to go back now. ive concluded that some people will go, some people will stay - the ones that stay are the ones that're WORTH IT.

-on my way to being OK

Ray

[Guest kaos]

I thought about it alot in the beginning before I told anyone else about my thoughts on being FTM. But since I have come out and decided to "go for it" I have not had any doubts. I actually wish the whole thing would just go faster! lol

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

I thought about it alot in the beginning before I told anyone else about my thoughts on being FTM. But since I have come out and decided to "go for it" I have not had any doubts. I actually wish the whole thing would just go faster! lol

I'm roughly in your situation. Now I just wish that everything would be done as soon as possible.

[Guest harvester52]

I have to say, once I sorted out my identity through my early teen years, and got comfortable knowing I'm FTM, it has stuck. I haven't second-guessed myself because it's just how it is. I don't question a lot of things about myself. They just are.

[Guest mr_marc]

I did sort of, just before i saw the gender doctor but it was probably cold feet due to me being a nervous wreck lol.

But now, i just want it done and dusted. The thought stayed in my head for like five minutes.

And the thought was 'i want this, maybe too much. what am i gonna do if i change my mind?' then laughed and thought pfft no.

If i did i wouldnt be making an appointment with a bloody doctor.

[Guest savagedm]

Well I must say I am jealous of the sureness in you all . I pretend to be 100% sure all the time, but those who really know me know that it is FAR from true. Kinda weird though when you think about it... Maybe it just offers more affirmation to all TSs since we seem to exhibit the simple trait of decision making that the opposite birth sex has regarding things like this?

Just my .02

~Brooke

[Guest theXYProject]

It isn't really that I'm indecisive..

it's more of "Oh my God..what If I don't feel like this [for some odd reason] later in life?"

again, because..t, and all of the changes that accompany it, are permanent [for the most part]

It's just.. I've realized.. that the person I was at one point.. is no longer the person I am now.

You know..?

People change.

occasionally, people change drastically..

So.. to be honest, I'm really going to deliberate; actually sit down and think of what I'm going to do..

so I can come to a good, safe, and true conclusion about myself..

:/

[Guest raydub]

So.. to be honest, I'm really going to deliberate; actually sit down and think of what I'm going to do..

so I can come to a good, safe, and true conclusion about myself..

this sounds like a wise decision as well as good advice

[Guest Lee]

At first, when I first figured it out that I was a guy, I did have a ton of doubt. I wondered if it was just my desire to be different. But after four years of having it figured out, I'm sure. Occasionally, I'll think of backing out of transition, because it would be easier, but that never lasts long, because I know it would actually be harder to back out than to go through with it. So, no. I wasn't always 100% sure and sometimes I still have doubts, but those doubts don't last long.

[Guest Tayler]

It took me a while to figure out that the reason I had been so unhappy was because I was putting off my transition. First for people then because I thought it would be much too hard to actually do this. Remembering things from my childhood didn't help, because back then I knew who I was more sternly. But my parents disagreed. Now that I'm actually in the process of transitioning, I'm more sure of a lot of things. Loads of frustration though I know I can never go back to being who others thought I should be. I'm at the stage were I want everything now, because I HAVE waited and such. I HAVE sat back and thought on things. The indecisive things I have to deal with now only apply to which way I will drive home from work. I even have to force myself to show patience to my doctor and co-workers when they ask me why this or what not.

[Guest]

I've had the moment people realize that there is only one choice for them but to transition called a "spiritual moment" and an almost "out of body experience". There are other similar descriptions. I'm not sure what to call it. I do know once it hits things will never be the same. For some people it happens right away and for others it takes years for it to happen. I wish you the best of luck .

Laura

[Guest JayJaye]

I'm on the fence, too. Then again, I finally had that aha! moment of what I truly am. The signs have been there all along but since I'm attracted to men it wasn't hard to live as a straight woman. Only I never felt comfortable in my own skin, or in woman's clothes, or in women's roles. I'm seeing my therapist this week. I'll think long and hard before I take T, but if you offered it to me today, I'd take it. Tomorrow I may changemy mind.

Jay, in early transition

[Guest Seth]

I'd say maybe twice a year I don't really feel like I shouldn't transition, I just feel wierd.

Only cuz I'm used to having a vagina, though.